When I met my ex-husband and we were courting for almost nine years, I thought the world of him. After those many years I thought I knew him right through.

When we got married, we didn't have a penny to our name, We even borrowed the deposit but we thought it is better to buy a property than to pay a landlord. We bought a flat in a nice neighbourhood and since it was empty, not even a light-bulb was there, we done it up and the way we liked it. The price of the flat was low and this suited us. We skimmed and saved and decorated half the night through. I felt we were like mates, working hard and trying to get the best out of our hard earned money.

The flat had no garage and therefore after a few years we longed for a house. Again the house was in a very bad condition but a low price. Again, we worked hard and decorated half the night through. I always had that feeling we were soul-mates.

As the years went by I longed for a family but having no help from anybody else we just had to help ourselves. When I mentioned about having a family my husband said that we couldn't because I had to work full time to keep the finances going. I could accept this point and see that it wasn't fair on a baby. I started to think on the terms that we wouldn't have any babies.

Then one day, my husband started to talk about having a baby. Although I was over the moon because I love babies, the bigger the family the better. I was worried about my age. To make sure I went to our doctor and asked him. He told me that the risk is higher to have a sick child but it is not necessary so.

I fell pregnant and I was so pleased. To make sure, as sure as you can make it, I had several tests. They were all clear. Six weeks before the baby was due they found on the scan that the baby's skin did not grow together over the stomach. I never knew that the skin grows around us and grows together in the back and in the front. I was worried that the baby would be disabled.

My gynaecologist contacted one of his friends from college, which was a top surgeon in a big hospital to see to me personally. I had to go to the hospital four weeks before the baby was due and stay there, in case the birth started. They tried to push it to the normal date of birth to avoid a premature birth on top of it.

I must point out that, unless I couldn't do something, I always done things for myself, in other words, I am a bit independent. Also in those days I didn't watch things or thought about it. So when I had to go to the hospital, he never offered to come and I never thought anything off it and just went. When I met the surgeon he assured me that he had many such cases and there never was any aftereffect. When I heard that, I just accepted the situation and didn't worry about it anymore. I am one of those fortunate ones who don't mind hospitals or operations.

I was told I have to have an cesarean operation to prevent any further damage to the baby. He never came to visit me in all these weeks and I never realized it. When the baby was born and it was a boy, he had straight away an operation. We were lucky because he had all the skin and didn't have to have a skin-craft.which would be really dramatic. Since they had to arrange the intestine as best as they could, they watch him if he did have any blockage. Again we were so lucky that he didn't. The father came with two friends and I, again never realized, all the friends were his friends. He never brought a card, a flower, a drink or some chocolate. Nor did his friends. Again I never realized it.

Looking back I can see so many things and I think over all these years he kept monopolize me more and more, so suddle I didn't realize it.

We were only ten days in hospital after our son's birth because he done so well. When the father brought us home, he walked in and sat down. No, would you like some coffee or something to eat. I remember I felt the coldness and distance. Nor did he look at the baby. I thought being a boy he would have been over the moon.

Of course, Mrs Independent, and also I had no choice, got on with the household and the baby. Again never really thought about it what was going on. He never lifted a finger. As you know a newborn baby is a lot of work, night and day. Then one night when the baby was still on night feed and woke up and cried, he shouted at me that he can't have this because he has to work all day. Instead of going for him, I took the baby downstairs and sat there with him in my arms.

From there on the situation became worse and the more I danced on raw eggs the more pressure he put on. Then one day, our baby was still lying in my arms, he told me to get out of his house. First of all it wasn't his house, it was in both names and secondly where I am going to go. My parents were dead by then.

When he realized I wasn't to walk out with the baby to live under a bridge, he started to pressure me more and more. He completely ignored his son and he felt it. I didn't have an affair because I don't belief in it but if I would have, I would have said OK you did it and you have to accept the consequences. That is how I am.

He started to come in with a bad temper to create an absolute terrible atmosphere. He kept shouting more often to get out of his house and me idiot done everything to keep his temper down. Then he saw that I would walk out of the house nor get a breakdown. How I never did I am surprised myself. He started to ignore us for seven months at the time. Only when it suited him, either holiday or friends coming to stay, he started to talk and every time I fell for it.  When he took us on holiday, the moment we arrived he went out.  Again was looking out son 24 hours.   When friends came to stay, he was Prince Charming in person.

I still haven't walked out or got a breakdown, so he started to threaten me with putting me in a mental home. Inside I was absolute jelly but I didn't show it. Our son was still only five years old. I was worried about him because once I am gone what will he do to our son. All the time I was rattling my brain what I am going to do? Where am I going to go? Then one day I turned on him and told him that I am going to go to the doctor to find out whether I am mental. Thank God that put an end to that. Inside I was a quivering jelly.

After one and half yea,r after our son's birth, I started divorce procedure. The solicitor wrote him a letter. He promised to change and heaven including paradise and I fell for it. On the other hand I didn't want to break up our home and have a divorce so I was glad when he did that. It lasted a few months and slowly it started again. It took awhile still hoping he would change back and then I restarted divorce procedure again. This time I was determined not to fall for it. He threatened me that he would make my life hell, tell me the difference.

It happened again. He talked, talked, promised, promised and eventually he got me to stop it. The excuse I have is that I loved him so much and worshipped the ground he walked on from the beginning. I found it very hard to break away. Also I knew children get damaged by divorce and I was still hoping against hope that he would change and see sense.

At the end, I really had to face it and had to go through with it. To me it was horrible and an absolute nightmare but I had to do it because he started to tell our son to get out of the house from the age of ten. I was petrified all the time that he would do it. The divorce took three years by the time it went through and was living hell. One thing the house was given to me because I wanted our son. He had the biggest shock in his life.

He would have beaten me and was always trying to beat our son with a real thick stick. I agree with smacking children and I gave our son a few hiding but not with a thick stick. What stopped him my threatening him to call the police.

When he left I found out that all our son's toys were stolen. He never ever bought him one present. All the things my mother gave me, hand-embroidered tablecloth, crystal, jewelery and silver were stolen.

After five years of absent he keeps knocking on our door. He wants to talk to me. Not a chance. Once I am driven that far I can't turn around.

He gave me the very bare minimum of housekeeping and made me pay for every thing. Dare there come a reminder, sometimes they came even when you paid. He started off again.

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