I dont have pictures Iraq
56This Is Me??? I Am Sorry
I am a killer...A murderer, a thief, a liar
I killed, too many...by rifle and by my by my very own hands. I shot your father with his arms raised...in the sand I killed your daddy. I am sorry
In Panama I broke your fathers neck, it was a grotesque sound...I woke him I killed him...I am sorry...
I cry, I weep, I hurt...I dont deserve to feel... I dont deserve ... a thing.
I raped all of you from lives , I raped all of you from fathers and sons. I am horrible, I am a killer, I am a murderer. The pain will NEVER subside, it will never ease. when I killed your father he bled out and cried for HOURS! His scalp, I peeled off; his brain ...his brain was dry and cold ... I am sorry. so sorry.
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Okay. Gulg. Agh. You really felt this one. So what was the inspiration, specifically I mean. Share?
Nice piece.
ps. edit capitals blah blah.
I don't think he's really sorry. Do you? I mean that's what you're doing, right. Sarcasmish?
Or else he was there, and this is all true.
Write it all. You were trained for a job, you did it.
Crap, sorry Pest. (It's not like I came across a hub that would have told me.) I was confused because you said "I killed you daddy" instead of "I killed YOUR daddy" and so something felt off. So I thought, perhaps he's being sarcastic in some way. It's not exactly the pest I've know for only, what, a handfull of days? So my sincerest appologies, and thank you Teresa for stepping in and explaining something I didn't know but you did, in such a smooth way. Sorry again. Hope no one else makes the same mistake I did.
LOL! that is ok...I dont get taken seriously too much anyway. I still loooooves you!
Pest--What do I say here? You wrote from the heart.
And your son is right.
Oh heck--just read your email.
Pest - as Teresa said you did what you were trained to do - under orders - so harsh and real and something you can never get away from; not even in your dreams- but you did it for your country and your family so that everyone can walk tall - be proud - go well ...cheers
Teresa's right, you were trained to do a job you were sent to do. It is not an easy job, and very often a horribly thankless job, and that's why most don't do it. But, you did. Nothing to be ashamed of. You are human and you've allowed yourself to see the human side of it. That's something to be proud of. You did what you had to do WITHOUT becoming a machine. That's admirable. *hug*
I would continue to write about this. You could make journal type entries and add to it. I think it could help ease some of the pain. *hug*
I agree with KCC (both paragraphs). And thanks, Pest, for still loving me. I better go mop up that shrine of you I've been working on. It's laden with tears. I think there's no salvaging the mock hunkypest calendar though. I'll just have to make a new one.
And by the way. We all would do things for our kids that we would never do for anyone else, and in a split second, and without thinking of the consequences or aftermath. Quite frankly, we'd rather suffer all the pain and horrors than let them take a peek at a second of it. Unfortunately, it doesn't go away, at least I've never experienced it to. But if I were you, I'd get some writing done. We're all here to read it.
Amen, Frieda!!
I second that! or would that be third or fourth it!!!
Some days ya just can't hide from the past. But what were the alternatives?
I wish I could hug you. {{{{Pest}}}
How you manage to make so many of us laugh when the pain you must feel inside is so enormous that i can't even imagine the magnitude makes you a hero to me.
Thank you for sharing a very deep and real part of yourself here. It was a very brave thing to do, and I appreciate it. Another hug...{{{{Pest}}}}
Hi Pest -- I'm finally here. Like I said in my comment before, you did what you had to do. It's not pretty, it's not even something to be proud of. BUT it's what you had to do. I'm glad your son has a dad to go to. All the while I am so very sorry for all the sons that were left dad-less. But it's a shit that's NOT you fault. Don't blame it on you. And the fact you do, in a way, makes you a better person than most. BESOS!
Hey Pest. My oldest brother was in Vietnam twice and later in the first Iraq war. He spent 24 years in the military and retired a Sgt. Major. He is one of the top 5 professional soldiers in the U.S. He has been in wars around the globe. One day he showed me an Army trunk full of his medals and awards. He told me that he would trade them all for one less fallen or wounded soldier as he closed the trunk.
The greatest a human being can be is a soldier.
The least a human being can be is to not recognize and respect a soldier.
Your son is a wise young man.
You been drinking Momma's booze? If not you owe yourself one after that one. Sometimes a funny man opens up and exposes what he tries to hide with his humor....and you're one funny fucker. Anyway with this one you've got the ladies wanting to hug you.
Tom Cornett said exactly what I think too, Pest. Soldiers do what nobody else can or want to ... it takes a special breed of man for the job of a Soldier and we are so very proud of our military. Smile, Pest, you are home and mean the world to your Son irregardless and honor us with our Friendships. :)
This is indeed the Pest I knew was in there. I can't relate to it as I am a peace loving individual. I have many friends who been in your shoes and done the same things you have spoken of. Most of them are very private about it and will only talk to other veterans of such things if at all. But a few have confided in me after many years of tortured minds. I feel your agony man. You were trained to kill and you killed. Now you regret it and are repentant. These things are what turned many veterans into preachers, like Mr. Rogers who killed many men in WWII, my brother-in-law who still cried about his 'murders' in China on his death bed begging for forgiveness and so many others.
I do hope you can somehow resolve this and have peace. I don't have any answers, only support to you when needed. God bless you Pest for finally sharing this. Your friend go in peace and know that you can have it.
Pest, I was lucky enough to serve during peacetime, so I can't even begin to imagine this kind of pain. But feel free to drop a line if you need to talk.
Thank you C.C. today is a very bad day for me. but tomorrow will be ok
Dame
you there???
Wow...that is sad. I knew a guy in SD he was the father of my friend. My dad was a Marine and knew him well. He said that when Danny ( the guy) came back from Vietnam he was so messed up from killing so many people that my Dad and his buddies had to drive him out to some caves in East San Diego county where the dude lived for like a year in a cave. Just to try to get his mind set back to reality. I guess the guy is ok now. But everyone gets messed up from seeing death too much. Its unnatural and mentally unhealthy......
POBRECITO!
Pest~ I agree with everyone else. You did what you needed to do. Nobody but you holds that against you. We looooooooves you too! <hug>
P.S.~ Anyone who has served is a hero, regardless of what they have or haven't done. Period. Muah!
I'm with Teresa on this - write, write, and write again. Get this out of your systems to the daylight. It's your best chance to stay sane...
It's a deep shit, and probably you won't be able to get over it completely, yet your writings may prevent a boy or two from signing up. And then it will be worth it...
Pest
I can't even begin to imagine how trying were those times for your soul but you were able to stand it and keep it together for a reason. Thanks for resisting to go quietly into the night. And thanks too for sharing. All my love and respect go to you. :D
You make my problems seem petty and ridiculous. You make me wish, once again, that God would make himself visible and take you in His arms. Yes, keep writing. I was beginning to think that my sense of the absurd might be growing exponentially with my sense of terror. I WAS WRONG. I must believe I was wrong. I had to work at it. I could have let it suck me in but it didn't. Not this time. Don't let it suck you in. If nothing else, blame it on the governments of the world and the rotten demands they make on their people.
Pest, I hope you're better today. I never asked, but is one of the problems that you were young and full of that soldier gung ho shit and you enjoyed it at the time? Some do and later that is the tortur, that's more or less what just about drove my brother-in-law nuts. My late brother dealt with it too and he said it felt good at the time, but later, much later it all came to head.
Pest - all your writing is powerful - but nothing matches this. I've never physically hurt anybody and the only dead person I've seen was my dad - who died peacefully. I can't relate to soldiering and wars - most of us can't - we see it on the news at a distance - and we sympathise - but we don't get it.
Your brief hub paints a clearer picture of what soldiers have to do - the job they were trained for, as Teresa sais - than any news flash or film.
Thank you.
Raw revealing and painful. I salute you for having the courage to lay yourself bare. Keep writing and externalise it.
Today, breathe. Deep breath. Calm. We are here Pest. Just click on our email buttons. :)
Well, I am from the country were we have the war recently, so many of men around me were soldiers, few years ago. I have heard so many stories like yours is. So many. You are not alone, stop blaming yourself, you will never do it again, you have learned your lesson, that is only what matters.
The worst deed you can do to yourself is to carry on with the punishing yourself. It is not your fault only, war is horrible always and everywhere, and majority of people involved help that war happens somewhere, on one way or the other. With hate, intolerance or ignorance....With fears as well.
You can kill somebodie´s body, but the soul IS ETERNAL; and you never killed any soul. Souls of the people whos body you killed live forever: and they do not ask revenge from you, they ask from you that you change your approach: instead of being warrior, become peacemaker, give your best to this world: love, tolerance, goodness.
You also need to get read of your traumas: there are many effective alternative techniques which can help you to attain balance again (like EMDR, or similar methods which can help you to heal your war-traumas completely).
This world need you, on different way, that you spread around the positivity, please do try that.
A lot of Love, and so many understanding....and be blessed.
There is nothing I love more than honest writing. I think you mentioned your masturbation article got pulled? Well, I got to read it before they got it, so screw them!
About this piece - wow. I was in the Army as a Mental Health Specialist and I have treated many men with similar stories, but it never becomes mundane nor commonplace, nor repetitive. Every time I hear things like this it breaks my heart. This is the part of humanity that I hate. Both of my deployments for the Army brought me to tears for very different reasons, but basically the same. Humanity can be so ugly.
P.S. I wondered about your avatar. I think I get it now.
OMG I have to say this. The ad on the top right, you know, the square box ones that show up sometimes? says: "Open the foor to exhilaration". It's from NanaWall.
druneric, I see what you mean. We've all joked about it too. eee.
Pest I am speechless I wish I could give you a great big hug. You are so clever, surely you can come up with some contraption that will allow me to come there.Maybe a Time machine or something.
"It is ok for a man to cry,it doesnt mean he is weak,it shows his tender heart not lack of strength."
I can relate to you I mean I been through a hell of a lot too,yet I am still funny,(well I have been told)Kisses and hugs
"If you need help. Ask God. If you don't, Thank Him"...Am sorry you are in such a place my dear...there just are not the right words I can say...God Love You...G-Ma :O) Hugs & Prayers
I am okay. No thanks to our illustrious govenment tho.
Read Toads Hub:
I hate to be a critic on such a sad story. So i'll be a bit compassionate myself...
When I was seven years old. I wanted nothing more than to be in the army. I had dreamed it in the back of my head for years by the time I turned 18 and yet because of so many grusome and sad war stories and the events from 9/11 I put on a mask to everyone around me saying how much I hated war and anything that had anything to do with it. The people, the existance, the costs both financially and emotionally, and most of all that I never was able to meet my grandfather because of a war. He died afterwards at 25 because of a heart attack from stress coming back home.
Though, deep inside I still wanted to be a part of helping this country. So I went to the recruiters office. I think by God's will I was turned down at the door. Actually its more like I was turned down at birth, even before I knew what war was. I had dreamt and hoped, learned and wished, and all to be turned down because of my heritage. I have Bypolar and due to the medication I take, I am unable to be apart of any armed forces. Ironically I was turned down the instant my grandfather had my mother, because she is where I got my bypolar from in the first place. So when they didn't know it. They were saving lives either way.
So instead of going to war, I'm saving lives here at home. Better yet, I'm saving sould for Christ. I started my own youth ministry called I-Christ last year and am determined to getting across the love of God in a non-pressuring way. Yeah...
So on a shorter note. I applaud you for all that you've done for your country, in battle and out. I'm also proud of you for being able to return and share some laughs in the comedy you write so well.
For this hub, due to its awesomenesss and the value it brings to our hearts here on hubpages, I've created another level of appreciation. I rate this hub, "Heartable", and for those who say this isn't a word. I'll save you the trouble, your right, and I'm okay with that. Didn't you know many great poets and writers make up their own words to get accross a message of their own. Take Shakespere for example. Anyway, nice hub and thanks for the add on being a fan. I'll be checking in on you every once in a while.
readers.critic@gmail.com
Thanks...i really only posted this so everyone can understand my ire torward the shit we have for government. Currently I hate this country because of it. Sorry bunch of mother shit heads. bailing out the white collars kiss my blue collar veteran ass. The new president can take a fukcin flying leap too they all blow monkey balls.
Pest
Fancy living in a tropical paradise? Come on over, we don't have parks but we have communes!
Btw, i've responded to your last post on my tree hub :D
Cris, I have been looking into Panama, Phllipines would be cool as well. you have a crusty ole couch for me?
We don't have couches, it's a very Western concept. But We do have beds made of bamboom slats. Way cooler and could help you straighten out that vertebrae while you suck on that duck-egg thingy LOL
I have to say, i've grown to hate my country too. I don't even stand for the pleadge of allegience any longer, sometimes i'll stand for the "in God we trust" part but thats it.
Readers.critic@gmail.com
Cris, that is a Balut. Get some damn culture.
RC... i don't go that far but my disdain for our government runs very deep.
Mmmmm Balut....Mmmmmmmm!!! Damn man!!! Some fucked up shit in this poem. You got pics?
only the ones in my head.
My other partner in crime, first off I want to "THANK YOU " for serving our country , it is a hard task, but someone has to do it. To go upon the forefront and do what you have done is something that many of us cannot do. I wrote a poem and an article about freedom, it is in there somewhere find it and read it, as it is honoring people just like you. The Poem is entitled "Freedom" and I believe that is what the article is too. Big Hugs and I commend you, and I am happy that you could get that off of your chest. I am certain that you have been forgiven, and we are grateful that you and many others have come home. I am certain that your son, is glad that you are home too. Let Freedom ring. :)
Thanks AE...I wanted to delete this because I really dont want to draw attention to myself over this "issue"...i would rather be known as the dumbass trailer park guy...but I am human too.
I love you guys and it is not drawing attention, you are healing and you have to heal. You are human and it is great to see that side too!!! What a lucky woman momma is that she has a strong man.:)
My battles with momma keep my mind out of the battlefield!
Well that is a terrific thing!!! :)
I just noticed as I was snooping around, that Readers Critic is nowhere to be found around here after making such a big deal of himself
I also want to mention its funny that your ads are about turning your yellow teeth white
Toad...i noticed that as well...AND yellow teeth were a big concern while in Iraq...we talk about it specifically in group!
I bet. They told you that's what you get when you drink the water over there.
I followed GT over here and then I had to check out that guys profile and read a hub of his and all I can say is what a maroon. I never use that word but it seemed to fit.
Among other things...this one dude (not me ) was with more "women of the night" that the Army named several venerial diseases after him.
! Are you sure it wasn't you and you are just saying that another dude was involved?? hehehehheh Lol how would you have known about the "women of the night?????" mmmmmmmm....Lol :)
AE... there were pamphlets and stuff... i promise! taxi cab confessions has nothing on humvee confessions! or so i have been told!
Remember momma is his role model
That's right momma is his role model.....:):D
mmmmm...Pest they handed out pamphlets??? what do you know about those confessions??? Inserting paw pad into .......lolololol ***wink****
Oh crap, I just reread my comment. That didn't come out right. ROFL. I meant that critic guy not GT.
Sorry GT!
I didn't notice that until you pointed it out!
and what kind of pictures do you have? :D
Cris, don't walk in here and act like nothing after dropping that hub, I will be emailing you on that later, but I gotta say, Damn.
Geez gwendy... toad quit here all of a sudden! Now I see why!
AE! Army intelligence goes to any length to inform and protect its soldiers...It usually takes 10,000 guinea pigs to reach a conclusion...along with video.
Toady
Don't bother, I put it back on. I got a scolding from a pal! LOL
Now you are talking guinea pigs!!! LOL:D I thought some use mice..hehehehhehe, guinea pigs... You've got mail and so does GT ...:)
I missed out I see...god damn mother nature and her floods! she owes me!
AE... from here on out ***I*** better be the only one with mail!
I said sorry. Geesh.I can write 200 lines.
I will not call Gt a maroon.
And Cris I read that hub too. amazing!
Gwendy...i call Toad a maroon all the time. Why do you think his poetry is so dark...ME!
jerk
Okey dokey.....:) Sir !!!:) oh sure :)
gwendy: You can call GT a maroon , heck I don't know what it means but I said you can, women rule on this one and I am judge julianna and I say so.:)
I just thought it was that growing up on the means streets of LA thing.
you know I have been called much worse by Pest's momma
I love Toad to death... But he did not grow up until he met the streets of "Pest"...Gravely, sandy...weed strewn...hooker laden streets.
Toad has been called worse by momma..."you frizin' perv I said bring a shepherd, not a German Shepherd!" She is particular about house guests.
Poor GT. To see the things he has seen.
I didn't have any idea holy canoli I was clueless, the streets of "Pest" , how many ankles did you nibble pest until you found GT? Lol :)
he found me passed out behind a dumpster
Pest
I still would like to see the pictures that you have. And I don't mean the pics of your crib but the ones on your walls that hmmm inspire you and see you through winter :D
Passed out????? Of all places behind a dumpster, you couldn't have chosen a better place to rest your wear head??? It is stinky behind those things..Lol:)
GT behind a dumpster, That's a pretty good find.
not all dumpsters are stinky, sometimes the ones behind office buildings are nothing but cardboard and paper, since many still don't recycle. If its rainin' you can just crawl inside. And you're right GM, there's a party ready to get started when you find me behind one.just give me a soft kick and I'm ready to roll.
I would take you home like a little stray GT. I might even feed you and pet you too.
a little rub behind the ears is nice too
A pet behind the ear, hmmm, I don't know that might lead to a belly rub and so on.
naw I can scratch my own belly
PEEESSSSSST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never knew that there were cardboard boxes back there, so Pest found you when he was busy digging in one of those dumpsters, now I know where the name GoldenToad came from, he was looking for food and you were glistening behind the dumpster. I see, I see LOLOLOLOLOL :D
PEEEEESSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTT get out of my head! Now!
AE- He was lookin through my pockets when I woke up, some pal
Oh noooooooooooooooo, shame on him you know how Pest's can sometimes be those darn little things are always looking for something, have you ever seen them try to wash a cracker in a bowl of water???? Hilarious absolutely hilarious!!! Tell him to try it, hands are always busy doing something..Lolol :)
Pest
Okay i get it. Your neighbor probably caught you siphoning his connection to your PC! Of course I'm right!
AE- I don't want his hands nowhere near me, we all know what he touched last
I didn't get it til I read through the comments that this was of a soldiers life. (gulp) There's no way I'm cut out to be one?! Or maybe you are just starting something to disturb the hubbers? Hmm....it's working so far.
Well, they should be disturbed in the bigger sense but at the same time, know that Pest is alright.
Pest
you done witht the m'room yet? gee, i didn;t think 1oz can take forever :C
Oh GT: Yes we do, I hope he had a sock or something......LOLOLOL I don't blame you for the hands , those hands were not your friends.LOLOLOL :)
come to think of it, maybe he wasn't lookin' through my pockets after all, he was looking for sumthin else
uhhhhuhhhhh!!!!! mmmmmmmm....... interesting very interesting and you see he disappeared again without saying a word looking for somebody else's pockets. :D:D:D:D:D:D
or he's out at the bar, tryin' to drag momma out
That was powerful, Pest.
I hope she doesn't come out kickin and screamin' as it still nippy back there and he has a long walk carrying her over his shoulders, especially if the tractor isn't working.:) Or maybe they are dancing to a little Boy George hehehhehehehe:) "Do you really wanna hurrrrrrrtttt me" and momma comes out with her whip and chains and.......................I bet he may have a bruises.LOLOLOL
I see that I missed the party last night! I have now been without consistant internet service for at least five days...The bar doesn't mind me stealing theirs, as long as I am drinking. Drinking and writing from a bar do not mix...I have lost two lap tops and have a four thousand dollar bar tab.
what a bummer in every 'cents' here?? LOL..Hope things improve my dear...G-Ma :O) HUGS
I am retreaded...I unplugged every connection then reconnected...viola...service. :(
And that makes me want to scramble the word "retreaded". Take away two letters then shuffle :D
dadretredra??? That's what i got. Is that phillipino for genius???
No, that's Afrikaans for stupid! Glad you're back. The idea that we'll be hearing less from you denied me sleep because i went hubbing like there's no tomorrow :D
I don't speak Phillipino, but I betcha that's what it means.
Don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said, Pest. You're a brave man. Before, I thought you were brave because you lived with your momma. Now, I know it's because you risked you life and went through a lot of unspeakable stuff for your country. I truly hope the pain lessens and eventually goes away for you.
Cris!!! LOl!
Shirley, Thanks...Not brave, just doing what I signed up to do.
Pest, uhhmm, you need some Kleenex? (for the tears, ie) :D
Those arent tears...i have a cat hair in my eye!
Now how could a cat hair land in your eye? I cringe at the thought :D
You ever eat pussy? Bound to get poked in the eye eventually... That was in "bad taste" (pun??)
Now this will get the attention you always crave! :D
Poked in the eye???? LOL and where is the new article??? We are all anxiously awaiting.:)
WHoArtNow says:
10 months ago
Morbid....
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