I sit here this morning at my desk thinking of my life. I ask myself; How can God love me?, when my own family can't even love me. Growing up I was always felt like the child that nobody wanted. Even when I started school kids would tease me, bully me, I can remember one day walking home, a young black African American girl that lived in our neighborhood she was with four her of her friends, they saw me alone so they walked over to me, at first they all they were doing was pushing me, shoving me, than they started to knock me on the ground and kicking me and bodily injuring me. They beat-ed me where I had a seizure. I can't remember much of the detail because I must of fainted when I woke I was in the back seat of my oldest sister's car. She stopped her car in the middle of the main street, police was there I had another seizure. Apparently according to my oldest they hit me in the head several times. I was taken to the emergency room and released.

That is just part what happen in my life. I keep telling myself one day I am going to write a novel about my life of hell. Of all that has inspired in my life I ask myself many times I am cursed. I try so hard to be a good person, always do the right thing, be kind and love one another, forgiving, I would help anybody in need. Just yesterday my middle daughter said she like my coat I had on, it was cold and breezy outside but I said to her if you like I'll give it to you. I took off my back and hand it to her and walked home. I sit here cry here many time, I talk to God, I ask Him what is wrong with me?, How can you love me when my own family and friends can't love me. My children gives me so many heartaches and grief. I tell God I feel like I am being crucified over and over. Of all what has happen in my life through the years, the abuse, the childhood trauma, feeling unwanted, bulliness, I can go on. My mind is so messed up I can't even think straight anymore. I been hit on the head so many times. I don't know who I am no more, or why my family makes me feel like the black sheep of the family.

I talk to my baby sister of all my heartaches and bad dreams. I talk to her about my frustrations. She responds back to me with answers like sis, the family knows your heart is big and gentle, they know how to get to you, people knows if they come to you for help you would never send them away empty handed. I sit here and cry, try to hold back my tears, remembering the last words my sister said while she was dying, THE ONLY REASON THE FAMILY IS VISITING ME BECAUSE I AM DYING! I can't even think anymore, my children plays with my heart and my mind, they know just how much I love my grandchildren so they will use them to hurt me. I don't even like who I am. I don't ask for no-body's pity or ask they feel sorry for me. I always did things on my own, raised myself since I was little. I even feel guilty when I have to bread down and ask for help. I try not to ask for no help or handouts. I always paid a dear price when I ask for help.

When we first moved down south, my middle daughter was in trouble, she was living with a man who was beating her so we weren't even here for a month and she asked us to help her find a place so we did. She moved in the place, turned out two weeks later she went back to him. Then when we needed her help, this is what she said to my husband and I, I know they were going to start you, but not me. The landlords we rented from has robbed us, and has threaten us. Her boyfriend had a gun in back of his back and he said to my husband if we came off of the porch of the home we were renting from the lady, he shoot my husband. We were terrified for our lives. But yet my middle daughter left us to the lion's den, my husband and I both broke down and I was very close having a nervous break down. Yet my daughter rented from the same lady we rented from because I talked to her about my daughter's situation living with abusive boyfriend so she left her rent the other home. Here when my daughter went back two weeks later, she left without paying her rent, her light bill, she owed this land lady rent money. We were all paid up to date. The landlady and her boyfriend stole over $1000, from us. Refused to give us our deposit.

I am not perfect, I try so hard to live the life God wants me to live, I am so hard myself when I mess up, some days I feel so alone, I am afraid to make friends, I don't how it feels to have a friend, just friends who said they were my friends but ended up being one of the bullies.. I don't get text messages from my children like "Mom, I love you, I get text messages like the one I written here, "Nope, never really did love you, Just put up with you cuz you chose to have me! Our children plays with my mind and heart, it makes me crazy sometimes where I end up saying things I don't mean so I was told some advise to cut all ties with our four children. I feel guilty of many things I say or have said in the past or have done. I ask God to forgive me, shoots I even question God many times, why can't nobody love me, didn't get an answer yet and probably won't. I get so tired and mentally and emotionally worn down. My family and my children played with my heart and mind so much where I feel numb anymore can't feel nothing. I took down all my grand-children's pictures because it hurt to look at them.

Growing up mom was never around, dad liked playing the horses so he take my younger sister and I too the races with him. When we arrived inside of the horse races building where they place their bets dad just let my younger sister and I wonder all over the place we were maybe about 7 or 8 years old. On the way home dad would ask us to lie to mom if she ask where we were, dad bribe us with fantastic gifts. When he went to the drive in movies, dad take us two girls, that is where he meet his lady friends, we be sitting in the backseat of the car, we were very young. Dad go with his lady friend for a walk, they be gone for hours and when the movie was over than that is when we hear dad coming back to the car. On the way home dad tells us don't tell mom. I believe my younger sister and I have told mom a lot of lies to protect our dad. Dad never left us two little girls alone with mom, he take us everywhere, mostly to the horse races when we arrived at the horse races we were always left unattended so dad could concentrate on his bet. With my sister being the younger sister she always got the full attention because was the baby of the family.

Dad and mom and the rest of my family always made me feel like the black sheep of the family, made me feel like the child that nobody wanted. Trust me as I sit here today I only write half of the stuff that happen to me when I was young growing up. Some things I rather let unsaid or untold because they do hurt. The names dad use to call me. I admit when I got older in my early teens I ran away from home several times, I was rebellious. I search high and low for someone to love me. That is how I met my first husband, what a huge mistake that was. When I write my hubs I write from my heart, how I am feeling, like writing a journal. It helps. I have been told from several people I am a strong woman for all I have been through. I am still searching who I am , searching where I belong and my purpose. I'll never understand why I went through the things I went through. I know God says don't lean on your own understanding, believe me I don't. It be nice to have a friend. See; I have trusting issues, I do not trust very many people. I don't even trust my own children because they have robbed me many times, they have burglarized my home when my husband and I went away on vacation.

I am just so tired, emotionally,mentally,physically. Tired afraid to say what is on my mind and in my heart, speak just what my children wants to hear which never comes out right, they twist and twist my words around. I am not saying I live a normal innocent life. I made many mistakes, made many wrong choices and have said many wrong words. I am not going to sit here and make excuses of my wrongs. I sit on my front porch and talk to God how I feel, I ask God to forgive me. My husband and I have this dream to move away at a far away place, away from my side of the family, all our children so mentally and emotionally we can focus on ourselves rather than our family and children's problems. The only time our children or family visits us is when they want something, Those exact words came from our children's own mouth. "Mom; if your stupid enough to give in than you deserve to be taking advantage of. I pray to God every day, "Lord; I say,"Please! Let us win the lots of money or come in a lot of money to be able to start a fresh life for my husband and I. That is what I hang on to and keeps me going. I do find my strength in God, as I mention several times I talk to God all through the day. God is my only true friend, who stuck by me through many storms and never gave up on me. I feel so numb that I can't feel emotions anymore. I cried so much, my tear well dried up. My heart has been shattered and broken so many times, my body is worn down. If that one dream I have for my husband and I to move far, far away to start our life's so we can focus on ourselves than so be it.

I have nothing to proof to nobody except myself. I have nobody to turn on this earth. My husband is the only friend I truly have. I am the child that nobody wanted, now a fifty one year old adult who trying to get her life back on track and in the right direction. I have decided to cut all ties off from family and my children. It was a very hard decision to had to make. I prayed and prayed about it and took advise from others. My heart can't take their mind and heart games anymore. I need to focus on my husband and I life, start setting goals for us. I will always love my family and my children no matter what. My love for them is one thing they can't robbed from me. I have to figure out through my mind who I am, Where I belong!

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