I feel betrayed but I still like her
86
Broken Heart
This is a true story...
It's my story and it's recent and I'm still very much hurt by all the situation.
I've dated a girl for four years. She was from a problematic family and I made all the necessary arrangements to try to make her happy. I tried to make her wishes come true. I helped her to the point I changed the way I was, I stopped seeing friends I liked for years, I get myself a home with her, I even got her a cat because she said she felt lonely.
I always liked games of all sorts. Computer games that is. I started playing WoW some years ago. Then i showed her the game and she started playing too. All was ok. She was a very reserved person and made some friends in the game. I was happy she was fitting in and that we shared another common interest - we played together.
Then she started talking a lot with a common friend in-game. She started staying after hours talking to him. I started to get upset and told her so. But she still went on. But then I didn't mind so much because I was convinced of her unconditional love for me. I was wrong...
She started liking the guy. She didn't told me nothing. They started sharing love messages. All behind my back. Finnaly I discovered it all when she told me her desire to be with him... while we were making love!
I was very upset by this, as you can imagine. I had a serious talk with her and made her confess her feeling for him. She told me she couldn't get him out of her mind and promised me, after many pressure from me, that she wouldn't contact him until I thought about the situation and what to do about it. Next day I came from work early, I was desperate thinking about all the situation. I had a big talk again with her and she eventually told me that she did talk to him again behind my back and even arranged a date to the next day, a day when I would be working. My heart melted in that time...
She says she love me and him. She says a lot of things that make me confuse and hurt. A guy that she met online, my god. After all I've done for her, she says he's awaken the romantic side in her, that he understands her in ways I don't... But she says at the same time she loves me and want to be with me, and made the decision to be with me.
I gave her one more opportunity. I told her I loved her and we could try to work it out, that I would try to be a better person from now on. But she had to promise me she would not contact him anymore. And she should tell me if he tried to contact her. I also told her I had lost my trust in her and would be alert and inquire on the issue from now on.
Some days had passed. We talked a lot about things. I thought things were going better, she was being more open to her true feelings, something she had never done since the beggining of our relationship. But I couldn't just trust her the way I did before. So one day I looked at her online records of the cell phone company. And there she was... She contacted him while she was working. 17 text messages and 2 or 3 calls ina 4 hour period. My heart exploded.
I hold my breath and went to bed where she was sleeping. I asked her one more time, the last time, if she had no contact with him. She denied. I then proceeded to confront her with the facts. I got enraged. I called her names, I slapped her and I threw her out of our house. Her departure was peaceful. We were both hurt.
My god, how her mind is confused. And how she messed up mine. How can she love a guy online... only from the sweet words he told her... telling her he loves her and that he can throw all away to run to her...
And she loves both. But she can't have both. 4 years, a house, even a cat! All the sacrifices and I get this slap in the face. I feel miserable. But I still like her, and that hurts even more!
Tomorrow we are going to meet. And have a talk... I talked a lot with my family and some friends. They all reached the same conclusion as mine. I have to end the situation, end the relationship. I can't protect her anymore, I can't pretend all is well, eluding myself that all is well. I can't be living with a woman while she's thinking in other man. I know this logically and yet my heart throbs and I cry so much everyday thinking in that talk. I know I'm a soft hearted. I must be tough for both me and her. Sometimes ending things and moving on is the best solution. But it hurts so much inside...
I wrote this mainly because I had this all welled up inside me and needed to release my feeling one more time. Some words of constructive advice would be helpful though.
Thanks for reading...
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Comments
There's not a lot I can add to what AEvans said. She's right in that you should not have slapped her, no matter what. You do both need counseling, separately, and together if you both have a desire to try to work things out. If one of you has reservations about working on it, then now's not the time to be together. You're better off apart. Time will make all of this seem less dramatic. It's raw right now. Don't over-react while you're hurt. Let things calm down. Good luck to you.
I would be quite upset too after rearranging my life around someone for FOUR years. I agree. Time to move on. Breaking up does induce grief. Let yourself grieve as it is part of healing. Her problem seems to be she expects others to make her happy and not looking within herself. Very sorry and I been there too, AE. I let go 3X ..third time was time for me to go. Infidelity just is not excusable if more than once. Good luck, profiler.
I concur with these two.
Don't forget that you're a whole person, and you shouldn't feel as if you need someone or a relationship to help define you.
You're an excellent writer, by the way.
G|M
Dame, That is sad I realize everyone cannot get back on track but if they can , it is o.k. too. I only experienced once and it didn't happen twice.
G/M: You are also correct having a person does not define us, but forgiving the person and moving on if necessary is the right thing to do. :)
Evans and KCC have given you very good advice, and yup, hitting a woman is a no-no. At least you shared honestly here. I personally think though, that once trust has been betrayed, a relationship usually ends as most humans do not change overnight, and your girlfriend seems to have issues with commitment in your union.
Good luck! I know affairs of the heart does hurt, have been there, done that.
Thank you all for your advices!
I feel a little more encouragement to the talk I'm going to have with her tomorrow. I will probably gonna break up, but I'll try doing it in a suave fashion. I'll try not to blame on her. I'll try to be her friend most of all, while still trying to be firm in my convictions and in my decision. It's not gonna be easy. But I have to do it. Slapping her was indeed a mistake. I'll tell her I'm sorry about that, even if I think she deserved it :(
Dear Profiler, I'm so very sorry you are feeling betrayed. I have nothing else to go on but the situation you describe it. Starting out, YOU did everything YOU could to make this woman happy. YOU gave up friends. YOU changed. What did she do, except sit back and take everything you offered her? It does not sound like an equal partnership at all.
For those so inclined, the Internet can be a dreamworld. We can create new identities for ourselves. We can lose ourselves in online games, chatrooms -- even here on Hub Pages! It can be quite seductive. If a person is in any way immature or unsatisfied with their life, it's very tempting to spend more and more time in this imaginary world. In that, your woman is not alone.
She is for sure deluding her self that she "loves" this other man. But she obviously has needs and desires that are not being filled in her relationship with you. What exactly they are or why -- she probably doesn't even know herself. But right now, she's got an irresistible itch and she's gonna scratch it.
Even though she may not have actually followed through on the infidelity -- yet -- she is lying to you and basically pushing your love away in favor of this man's. Logic will not hold her back. Appealing to her sense of decency/morals will not hold her back. She's got one foot out the door.
There is a saying that goes "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it was meant to be." As I see it, the ONLY way to get her back is to let her go. Let her see how real life is out there without you, her provider and protector. Let her experience the disappointment that will inevitably come with this online lover.
As for you, I'm sorry. It totally sucks to love someone with all your heart and be kicked in the balls. You deserve better and I have no doubt there is a woman out there who will jump at being with a giving guy like you. I am not suggesting you take up with someone just to "get back at" the heartbreaker. I am suggesting you deserve to experience a real, give-and-take relationship. Somehow, unless this woman gets a LOT of therapy, I doubt she will spontaneously come to the conclusion that she's being a jerk and decide she can't live without you after all (although I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to manipulate you into taking her back after this other dude dumps her -- which he inevitably will).
If it makes you feel any better, the problem is NOT you. The problem is her and her immaturity and low self-esteem.
Thanks Mighty Mom. That is all I can say. My older sister a mom herself said exactly the same as you. But I still feel bad because I know she's gonna get hurt. And I feel bad over the absurdity of it all. My sister even warned me about the attempts she could do to be with me out of necessity. It's like you are thinking in the same note.
I know how you feel and I know it hurts. I trusted someone with my heart and he did the same thing to me. It wasn't with somebody online, but it was with somebody who pretended to be my friend even though she was with him on the side. I gave him everything. I was the best girlfriend he could ever have. The best I still believe he ever will have. He constantly tells me I am such a good person. So honest. So pure of heart. He says he doesn't want to hurt me. He never has. How then could he do this to me and feel no remorse? I am still going through this now. This is new to me too. I still feel the pain on a constant basis. I still love him and he claims to love me. I know I need to get away........but I can't bring myself to do it. I already tried to end it and I still see him all the time.
Chichina: Already had those thoughts (and still do, but to less extent). Do what I did... talk with that person; try to do your best, but remember nobody is perfect; then talk to people that really love you; if you are still hurting talk with people that don't know you at all (like in hubpages); don't talk it with acquaitances, because they'll pretend to be there for you, but will be mostly after easy gossip.
Then decide for yourself what must be done. And do it!
It's not easy. You'll feel pain. I'm feeling. But you need to see the bigger picture, you need to focus (no matter how hard it is now) a bit in the medium-term and not only on the right now.
It's not the end of the world, life goes on. And somenone better will probably appear for you (even the same person, who knows, but with a different attitude). Time helps the healing.
Once again I know all this logically but it still hurts, I still hesitate. I too know that I'm not a flawless person. I know I could have been better in the relationship.
It was my first long term relationship and I overeacted in many things. I learned a lot, but also did many things wrong. I just hope next time will be better. I know my family and friends (the real ones, that are few) will be there for me. I'm down but I'll get up again. I'll do it because my life is too precious to waste over a sad story.
Profiler, I can't help but notice what sage advice you are able to give to someone in a similar situation! Sometimes it's easier to see things clearly from the outside than when it's happening to us.
When one partner cheats it's a signal that something is not right in the relationship. You are wise to recognize that you also had a part in things. That is quite true. Nothing is ever totally one-sided. That said, if you both decide you want to put this episode behind you and work at rebuilding the relationship, GO GET COUNSELING. You said your woman only recently started telling her true feelings. Chances are she had/has some things she needs to share with you but has held back. You also stand to learn -- through an impartial 3rd party -- how to give love in a way that the person will best receive it. Perhaps she felt smothered by too much attention and caregiving? Sounds crazy, I know, but it does happen.
Good luck to you. Stay strong. And keep your Hubber friends posted! MM
"It's not easy. You'll feel pain. I'm feeling. But you need to see the bigger picture, you need to focus (no matter how hard it is now) a bit in the medium-term and not only on the right now. "
You all here have made many fine points.
And if a monkey can learn to horde rocks to throw them at people, we can learn to have the forethought and forgiveness to move on. There's always a process, like how Profiler wrote this Hub to help better himself and ask for others to comment.
Like many have said here in one way or another--time heals all wounds.
G|M
I agree with Mighty Mom and since you are deciding to completely end it, also allow yourself time to heal before you move into any other relationship. You certainly do not want to take any of the emotions and anger you have into a new beginning. Learn from this one, and although you felt you should have hit her, hitting someone is not the thing to do. Never raise your hand at a woman in that manner as they are weaker then you. Punch a punching bag, or go to the top of a mountain and scream to let the anxiety out but never use your hand. I understand what she did but two wrongs do not make a right. I wish you all of the best and we are all here for you. :)
Thank you all. I feel much better now, I think I'm finally starting to make peace with the Internet.
MM, counseling isn't easy to get in my western European country. Good counseling that's even worse! Also I spoke of counseling many times and she always rejected it, saying that wouldn't work on her.
Actually, this hub is the best impartial 3rd party counselling I'm getting!
AEvans i don't completely agree with your argument. We shouldn't hit anyone, man or woman, no matter how angry we are. Not because women are weaker - even I don't believe in that, they might be weaker phisycally, but in many things women are much stronger than men - but because we all are human beings that deserve respect.
But you know what, there are some things that hit much harder than a smack in the face... :(
Its often the emotional scars in life that drive people to do what they do...some do it for the good, like a support group a woman creates after she has been raped to get to contact other women and share their troubles and tribulations.
Other people take it out on the world, and go around shooting off guns.
You've taken your scars and utilized them well.
We're all here for you, man.
Sincerely,
G|M
Fuck it, just walk away with your balls still attached.
goldentoad...you have an eloquent way with words. ;)
I have to agree with GeneriqueMedia. Succinct, eloquent, and to-the-point. :)
Profiler, in all seriousness, maybe try to keep in mind that when people seem to betray someone else, it's often not intentional and is instead, just a matter of someone's having "issues" to one degree or another. I know a couple of who broke up, and one party went back over all the years of all the nice things s/he had done for the other person. It was as if this person was thinking how "foolish" s/he had been for doing so many nice things when all was going well in the relationship.
I think people need to separate what they did when all was well from the later thing that makes them feel betrayed. The nice things someone does before the perceived betrayal were done when things were good. There's nothing foolish or one-sided about that. The perceived betrayal is sometimes an isolated thing that was not done intentionally. I guess what I'm saying is that if you try to "divide and conquer" the components that make up feeling betrayed sometimes it can make you feel a little less betrayed.
As you can see, I'm not nearly as succinct and eloquent as goldentoad. :)
"he perceived betrayal is sometimes an isolated thing that was not done intentionally. I guess what I'm saying is that if you try to "divide and conquer" the components that make up feeling betrayed sometimes it can make you feel a little less betrayed."
This is so true! And at least you're as sarcastic as goldentoad.
Perceptions, perceptions, perceptions...
You need to take issues like this to a Counsellor, where ordinary people can help, and I realise that there are alot of professionals on this Site, most people lack the skills to help you with your particular problem. I am guessing that you are quite young, so you will recover. Move on swiftly with a new Social life, and I don't mean, build a new social life around anyone else. Rebounding is bad, Hang out with friends. Hang out with your cat, and just enjoy yourself. Life is as they say too short. However in your last reply you do not sound like someone that is not going to move on rather rapidly. and also it is easy to blame others, you need to be able to take blame as well as apportion it. Goldentoad is correct, you sound so much more eloquent, in your last reply.
You have to love yourself before you can be loved. :) Sounds like she needs to work on herself, as well as you need to work on you.
It also sounds like you changed who you were to be with her. That's not a healthy relationship if you aren't you. Being in a relationship means loving each other for who you are, while bringing out the best possible versions of the both of you.
My personal experience, is when you take them back afterwards, it's never the same. If I had my life over, I would have walked away the first time
You imagined yourself to be her knight and shining armor of a damsel in distress. Who wouldn't want it? Who can blame you? NO one.
Thing is you served your purpose in her life and there's no one to blame. It's over. She has issues that she needs to unravel and solve by herself. You need to focus on your life now and move on. There's a lot of chick out there who love you and appreciate you for who you are. I think she feels guilty realizing what she did after all you've done. This is not enough for love to survive.
I am reading all the comments, and wow, this is indeed a great community; I have known this all along in the 16 months I have been a hubber, but, its nice to see wisdom being shared with you. I agree with Sheenarobins, we all serve a purpose in a persons life, and when its over, its over, lessons have been learned, growth hopefully has taken place, and its time to move on much the wiser.
Sheena your words hurts but ring true to my ears.
Life is cruel sometimes and makes terrible gags on us. I also don't think that is enough for love to survive. I'm waiting for her call for us to meet. I'm strangely calm at this moment and one of the reasons I think it's because of you people that are helping me dealing with this. I must thank you all no matter what the outcome, you've done your random act of kindness of the day.
(((((((((((profiler))))))))))) Felt like giving a cyber hug. You seem like a great human being. I wish you luck with whatever you decide
Hi profiler :) I'll take it a as a compliment. Take it as a bitter pill. Believe me, I've been there a couple of times. It's my favorite kind of people, somebody that has issues, somebody that needs fixing up, somebody with flaws too huge to ignore.
The thing is, we lose in the end because they cannot even help themselves, let alone make themselves happy how else can you expect them to make you happy?
Regardless of your decision, I will respect that. And salute you for writing this hub. It only means you are want to protect yourself.
Remember, relationships are meant to be fun because it is a gift from God.
http://hubpages.com/hub/A_Series_Of_Envelopes this might help.
' Once a cheater ... always a cheater'. I know I am going towards the extreme over here but a second chance shouldn't be given to a person who has cheated in the first place; if they have done it once they will do it again, in one way or the other. Subtle or sheer, the pain is going to hit you again, and still again. And now, if I have convinced you enough to actually not regard accepting her if she comes to you again - then buddy what's worrying you? What's the point in missing her when you know that you can never feel the same about her if she ever comes back. She is gone. She is history. Move one. All the king horses and all the king's men , cannot bring her love you like you did ever.
One last tip : In the begining it's always very hard. Try surrounding yourself with work; that you enjoy. Bring on loads of it. Go out . LEAVE the confinement of your room. And most importantly, just remember one thing. A cheater is never worth it.
I broke up with her. I did it in a gentle yet firm way. I was not aggressive at any point. I said what I had to say without hesitations.She wasn't expecting it. I feel sad but at peace with myself. I think I did the right thing. Now only time will bring the answers to my future.
I can understand what you must be undergoing, but 5 years from now when you will look back at this incident , you will realize it was not worth your tears and pains. Just remember one thing you dont own anything, you have come alone to this world and will go alone, just realx and take it easy and by breaking up with her was a right decision. May you find love soon and keep the Faith.
I can't add anything sage or wise, but have a <hug>
All I can say is never change yourself for another person. I used to do that a little bit and I always resented later because I was short changing myself.
I'm confused again. When I finaly thought I could get her out of my system, I got a call from her grandmother (with whom she's living) and went to talk to her... With our conversation, coupled with some things I saw in my 4 years relationship and some hints I've neglected due to thinking it was just her way of being, I now think she at least has some neuroses going on. She needs some treatment to try to ventilate all the problems and feelings inside her head.
I've seen this movie before, my brother never got over a breakup and went to drugs and then mental, ruining his life and making his family suffer deeply in the process. Now I'm afraid something similar might happen to her.
I know I shouldn't worry about her after the break-up, but I still do. Her granny says they tried before to her to go to a therapist, but she always says she doesn´t need one, that she is just fine. Well, in our talk I was very explicit... it was over, and in the remote chance that we could ever be together again, we both needed some professional help.
I'm not sure if this is the most right thing, but I'll try to help her in solving some past issues. I'll try to continue firm and insist on that point alongside her own family. I still care about her, I don't want her to ruin her life. I'll try to help her as a friend most of all. because she's a good person I know of that. My god, life is crazy...
It's always easier than done but try to walk away. Accept the fact, no matter how hard, that you are not wanted anymore. Unrequited love is the most painful thing but if your love for her is big enough, let go. I do believe that these sort of things happen. The physical absence of the third party fuels the desire of your lover for him. And it's bound to be intense as their time together is restricted. Who knows, it just might be the excitement that's clouding her mind. Thanks for sharing :D
hum while reading your story i remembered story of one of my friend.i can say that you are still lukky then him as you got some time to spened with your suppose but there are few peoples who just lost in love and they got nothing.
and one of my good friend i will not open his name but he was also one of that unl;uckky peoples may be i will publish his story here sometime .
today i dont know where he is and how he is but he is still in my heart as a good friend.
i will pray for you that you will got a nice girl who will love you too much and will care of your feelings.
As time goes by I feel like I was in a dream. I had a neglected house, almost no photos spread around it, the furniture messed up. I was neglecting my life and she was doing the same. I had a rude awakening but I feel it was for the best. We didn't care enough to make it worthwhile.
i was in love with friend but many of my friend too in love with him too should i go for it
After our break up she confessed me she went straight to his arms. My decision was correct but I'm still very sad and a little obssessed by it. It doesn't help that she wants to stay in our house until we sell it. I'm doing my best to stay away from her to settle things down but she's not helping.
I'm still a little worried abou the slapping. Think you shouldn't have done it.
Man I even don't know you actually I'm the other side of the world right now but I know exactly what you mean. I broke up but for different reasons. However I know how it's hurts.When I broke up with my ex I felt so down and even cryed.
All the best man you gonna find another one after a while it goes away.
I know your pain I felt the same in my case I still felling ;(.
Shit happens even to the best of us :D
Profiler needs to quit cryin' and go to a bar and get some new tail
I already stopped crying.
I think I'm finally seeing and doing things for ME and not only for her, like I always did when we were together.
I'm trying to re-establish connections with my friends and family. I'm beginning to try to always see myself in the mirror every morning and looking good instead of sloppy.
I'm being cordial towards her when I need to talk about mutual concerns (house), but apart from that I'm just trying to avoid her. I must get her out of my life in order to move on.
The slapping was incorrect, I know that, but even she told me it was deserved! (that's how guilty she feels I guess - but now, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn about your feeling of guilt!).
So I'm just trying to move on and be practical about things. I now have to make important decisions in my life concerning the future and I must not be in a tangled state of mind. I have to be crystal clear about what I'm going to do from now on, in particular concerning how we are going to share our mutual belongings (house, furniture, etc.)
My family, friends and even you guys have helped me a lot in this whole process, so thanks once again!
Hey profiler, how are you now a few months on?
You'll notice in some of my hubs about relationships/emotions are a few of my ways to try and move on from a relationship that I had almost 2 years ago now. At the end of it, there were a lot of unanswered questions from me, some answered since, some not.
Anyways, I'm really content being single right now and have a lot of dreams and goals for myself that I am working towards. So I don't really have time to be in a relationship now anyways!
I'm doing ok marco. A lot more things happened and the novel is still not over, but I've managed at least to get good nights sleep.
Now I'm enjoying the single life again and trying to work on what really counts: family, friends and my job. All the rest (girls included) will come and go and will happen eventually.
im i have a friend that a boy i always meet him his my classmate neighbor and a closed fiend in our house ilike him but he likes somes who were beautiful than me ifell wrong every time i mind itbut i treat him as my mortal enimie i think i am loser i give up andits only because of a boy.pls. comment right now i need help
i now that i share my fellings to good
it's good you share your feeligs lu.
well, don't hate! just move on.
here's my comment :)
Stay strong.
AEvans says:
8 months ago
We all go through things in life and the internet can be a seedy place. She has not defined reality vs. dreams. You should not have slapped her no matter how angry you were, as hitting someone will also break trust in a relationship. She would be fearful that you would do it again. 4 years is a long time and I am certainly not a counselor. If you meet with her discuss counseling if both you and her can go together there may be a chance. Apparently this person stimulates her mind, but reality is if she ever met him should would realize it isn't what she may have thought it could be. She has not seperated either world but brought them together. Ask her what intrigues her about him? Has she met this magical person? Have they spen initmate moments together? Has he purchased a home, dealt with finances etc? Without getting angry at her. What has he done for her emotionally, physically and financially? She is in a dream world due to all of the abuse she has dealt with in her life and unfortunately you were her victim, which wasn't intentional. She needs counseling and both of you need counseling together if you want it to work.
Do not listen to others when they say end it, listen to your heart and your mind. There are people who will give you their opinions , but sometimes misery loves company.
I personally have experienced cheating and it doesn't feel good, but if you are willing to work on it, get the help that you need and then do what is necessary to take those steps. Set ground rules like you have done before, but no matter what do not blame her for the failure in the relationship as communication was what probably breeched it to begin with. If that person (him) is willing to destroy both of you, what does that tell you about the other person. She would not be happy with him, and when he is tired of (her) he will definitely move to someone else. Both of you are victims and the only person that is winning is the (him) who honestly doesn't care. Stop playing those internet games unless you do them together and find other things to do on the weekend. Theater, Movies, Walk on the Beach, Romantic Dinners, Movies whatever needs to be done but follow what you believe and not what others tell you. If you love her work with her, if you can't figure out how to overcome the pain it starts with forgiveness and I did write an article on that.
Like I said I have walked in your shoes and we have been happily married for quite a long time , we have unshakeable faith and we will not allow Satan to destroy what was ours. If you believe in you and her , you can do it. I wish you all of the best and will keep you in my prayers. :)