If you gave someone a gift, what was the motivation behind the gift? Was the gift an effort to gain some future favor?

It is rather unfortuante but we often give gifts and then expect the recipient is under some obligation to act in a certain way toward us in the future. At times we even think that the recipient is under some obligation to return the gift.

The first definition in Webster's College Dictionary is: Gift, n. something given voluntary without payment in return.

So if we truly give a gift, we do so voluntary without expecting any sort of payment in return. Normally we think of a gift as an expression of gratitude or way to honor the person.

If we have truly given a gift, it should not be a "yo-yo" gift. There should be no strings attached.

Often we give gifts to gain favor with someone. When we do not get the expected favorable treatment we may feel that we gave the gift in vain and regret our decision. That still does not give us the right to ask for or even expect the gift should be returned.

Instead of finding fault with the person who no longer speaks to you, ask your self the question, "What was the motivation for giving the gift?" If it was truly a gift, given with no expectation of any return favor, then the question should not even come up.

Once you give someone a gift, they have complete and total control over the gift. While I personally think it is in poor taste to recycle a special gift, I still realize that if I give a gift, the recipient has the right to do anything they choose with the gift.

While this is not within the context of your question, I just want to cover the case of engagement rings. An engagement ring is not given as a gift. An engagement ring is given as part of an agreement to become engaged. It is given with the expectation of getting something in return - marriage. If an engagement is broken off, then I think it is proper to expect that the engagement ring be returned. Some would argue that if the man broke off the engagement, the woman has the right to keep the ring. To that I would answer it depends on why the man broke off the engagement. I can think of numerous reasons why a man might have extremely good reasons to break off the engagement and still expect the return of the ring.

The proper time to ask the question about the return of a gift is before you give it. Ask yourself why you are giving the gift and what you expect in return. If you answer those questions honestly, you should never have to ask any question about whether a gift should be returned. If you feel there are circumstances under which you might expect the gift to be returned, you would be better off not giving the gift. It truly is not a gift.

There is an old rule of thumb about ethical questions, if you have to ask whether some behavior is right or not, it probably is not.

My advice is to chalk up the gift and the relationship as a learning experience. You misjudged the person. Learn from it, but do not bring yourself down to her level. Maintain your dignity.