The other day, while driving on the Bronx River, my daughter was sitting in the passenger seat I realized that I was depressed. Here this young lady was talking about I don't know what, all I heard was blah, blah, blah (now normally that would mean that she was trying to get something out of me or that I was tired of her whining), but this time was different. I was seriously in another place. I was lost.

For the first time in 20 years I am unemployed. I am unhappy. I am fat. I am broke. I am in a horrible marriage. I am seriously depressed.

Do misunderstand me. I am not going to do anything to harm myself or anyone but I realized that I am unhappy.

I eat because I am in this situation because it comforts me. Food doesn't judge me. It doesn't care if I have money, clothes, a job, or even a husband. Food doesn't even care if I am black, white, Puerto Rican or African.

So how can I fix this? Do I get rid of the husband? Well, that is easier said than done. I have these children with him and I truly believe that if we divorced he would not take an active part in their lives. He would find all type of excuses. Did I mention that I had no job! Although he doesn't know it yet but I still need the little bit of money that he does contribute to the household. (I really mean a little).

Because I am fat I always feel that people are judging me and that I can't get a job. I really don't know what I want to do anyway. I don't fit anywhere.

Honestly the only thing that help me wake up in the morning is my faith in God, although sometimes I wonder if he forgot about me because he has given me so much already.

I love my children. I always say that each child has a purpose in my life. The first one was born to teach me, I don't know where I would be if he were not born. I was 18 when I had him and I was hungry and homeless. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going. But God stepped in. The second one was born to remind me. I really didn't want to have another child but my husband didn't have any and because I thought I was so in love with him, I prayed to get pregnant and I did, but I was depressed about my pregnancy. I knew in my heart that I didn't want a child with this man, especially after the way he treated me throughout my pregnancy, I was miserable. Then I thought I had a miscarriage, but it was actually one of the sacs and the other one survived. I gave birth prematurely and he had complications. God stepped in again. The third one, well, that one was born to complete me. I had a car accident on Sept 11, 2001. Yes, can you believe it. Right here in NYC, while the towers were falling down, this son-of-a-..... had the nerve to run the light and run right into my car. Thank God no one was hurt. But I was taken to the hospital because I fainted, that is when I found out that I was pregnant. I didn't tell anyone because the doctor said that due to the accident I shouldn't get my hopes up. Also, I had just told my husband that I wanted a divorce. Needless to say he found out and he decided that he wasn't going anywhere and that we were going to have another baby. She was born and all I saw was a vision of holiness. God was there.

I am just feeling useless blues and I don't know what to do.

I can't talk to my friends because they have their own issues and why would I really want to burden them with my problems.

I am scared. I feel alone. I feel lost. I just don't know what t do.

I sit here typing and crying. I can't hardly see the screen, or the keyboard.

I am ...

I'm not ...

What the ....?

How will I ...?

I don't have the answers.

What do I do?