My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

--Ellen DeGeneres

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.

--Stephen Leacock (1869 - 1944)

Today, I was waiting in line for breakfast at the McDonalds drive-thru. After getting so fed up that the line hadn't budged for 10 mins, I decided to pull out of the line just to realize I was waiting behind 2 parked cars that were just to the left of the drive-thru lane. FML

--Stubby

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.

--Lilly Tomlin

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

--Lawrence Welk

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

--William S. Borroughs

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

--Brainfreeze

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

--Douglas Adams

In spite of the cost of living, its still popular.

--Kathleen Norris

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things

--Unknown

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

--Bob Monkhouse

There's no preventative, directive or safe approach for living. 

We each know our own fate 

We know from our youth how to be treated, 

how we'll be received, how we shall end 

These things don't change 

--The Cribs

I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. 
- Nancy Astor

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best."

--George W. Bush

"People say, well, do you ever hear any other voices other than, like, a few people? Of course I do."

--George W. Bush

"There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk -- that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras -- it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments."

--George W. Bush

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

-- Robert Bloch

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.