Growing up was far from easy for me, I'm sure many of you can relate. My mother made some bad choices when my little sister and I were kids. Have I had some resentments towards her? Yes. Have I spent wasted years wishing I could change the past? Pretty much. Unfortunately we do not learn things that haven't been placed in front of us. If you haven't witnessed something with your own eyes, you haven't the capacity to know what you're missing. As children, we learn by watching and listening, right? My point is that I think most people with a non-traditional upbringing, suffer with their emotions and are hard-pressed to find someone to blame for their problems. It takes many years to come to the realization that you can't change the past no matter how much you want to.

I spent most of my late teens and 20's trying to blame my mother for everything that has ever happened to me. I didn't know what else to do with the feelings I was having, so pointing the finger at someone else, partially distracted me from the real truth. The hard work that lie ahead. The healing, the re-hashing horrible evens, and sadness. Who wants to feel those emotions? Not I, said the duck:) Reverting my anger towards my mother instead of myself was the only thing my young, underdeveloped mind could think to do at the time.

I can't play completely stupid here, there was another major factor in the strained relationship between mom and I. My (soon to be) ex-husband. We've been married for over 12 years and amidst getting married, having two children right away, and my husband abusing me, I lost such precious time with my mother. Hubby never understood why I care about my mother. He knew that she had a troubled past and used it to keep me from her. His mind control and minipulation eventually seeped into the common sense part of my brain and flooded my hopes and dreams. He'd tell me that if she really loved me she wouldn't have made bad parental decisions when I was a child. He went on to attack the only other two important people in my life (before my children), my grandmother and my aunt. He constantly ranted that none of them cared about me and if my grandmother and aunt loved me so much, "why would they have allowed your mother to make poor decisions?"  "If they loved you they would've taken you from the situation." I could go on for days explaining each and every insult insult that spewed from his cake-hole but I think you get where I'm going with this. When someone tells you the same thing over and over and over and over and over, you begin to believe it. Men like hubby know how to pick vulnerable women with low self-worth. When you start out thinking you're life is useless, it doesn't take much to believe that what this person is saying, is probably true; I am worthless, who will ever want me, and I couldn't take care of a family by myself. I need him. It's an ugly, vicious cycle that many women find themselves in.

Anyway, all of these years I've been totally confused about how to feel. I had someone telling me how to feel for so long, I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground. I've missed my mother terribly over the years. I've left my hubby about 7 times and every time mom was there to help me however she could. My step-dad (a wonderful man) was right there by her side, trying to keep us comfortable and happy in times of crisis. They don't have a lot of money to be throwing around, but they'd help my kids and I when I'd call her up and say, "Mom, come and get us." Her and Papa would come running. And this is after I'd avoided her for months at a time, at hubby's insistance. As angry as she'd get at me for putting up with hubby, she never gave up on me. Sure there were times when her and I didn't see eye to eye on things, and she isn't always the most supportive (she just gets irrational which I can understand when you know your child is in danger and you can't do anything about it), but we love each other to pieces.

Now after all of these years I've finally matured and grown to the point that I have confidence. I kicked hubby to the curb for the last time just last week. We've actually been legally separated for over two years. We lived apart much of that time, but he recently let our old house go into foreclosure (so that I wouldn't get money in the divorce) and he begged me like a three year old wanting a cookie, to let him stay with me until he found his own place. I know, I know, I'm not always the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but it's because I'm a nice, giving person. I can't stand to see people hurting. But I did enforce over and over that he couldn't stay for more than two weeks, it's in my lease. Not only that but I could go to jail for welfare fraud because I was getting food assistance. I mentioned that to him several times and he just simply ignored me and went on with his life like I was a piece of gum stuck to the sole of his shoe. It's been about 5 months now and I finally found it in me to love myself again, and send him packin'.

When I had my last child a year ago, mom was in the labor room. In fact she spent the whole day with me. Hubby and I were barely talking at the time but he eventually showed up, right before the little guy was born. But this last year has been like so many in the past. Hubby made up excuse after excuse for me to avoid my mother. She's only seen the baby about two or three times. Then a couple weeks ago for Easter, I took all three kids and stayed at my moms, with my family, for the whole weekend. It was an amazing time! I felt so disconnected from all of them for so long and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was truly home again. My mother was in a great mood the whole time, nobody argued, everybody laughed and didn't have to walk on eggshells as they did every time hubby was there with me.

I think about all of the time I wasted not having my mom in my life the way I wanted her to be. The guilt ate me up for a couple of months recently but I'm back on my perverbial feet again. What if she would've passed away before this moment? I don't know if I could've lived with myself. I love her to death. I miss her and I can't wait to see what our future holds together.

To My Mom

Mom, I love you very much! I'm so sorry for the time we've lost but I'm ready to begin a new life now. All of my resentments have been burned in the trash along with my marriage, right where they belong. You can't change the past, I can't change the past. We've learned so much about each other and about life, let's use these experiences to better our lives and our relationship together. I miss you like crazy. Love you!