I Love Someone But They're Already Taken
76When I first met my husband Alex, I was actually dating his best friend - who introduced us. The friend had a summer job out of state, and sort of, kind of, detailed Alex to "keep an eye on me." Can't blame him - I was in a new town, recently separated from Husband Number Two (the batterer), and I was pretty fragile. Alex took his mission to heart, and we spent a lot of free time together - we went to plays, we ate a lot of pizza, I spent way too many hours crying on his shoulder about this and that...
And somewhere in the middle of this, Alex realized he'd fallen in love. With me. I, of course, had no clue. That's right - he didn't tell me and he didn't act in a way that would make me guess.
When you're in that situation, when you're in love with someone and they're already seeing someone else, this is the only honorable thing you can do. It's also the only thing you can do if you want to maintain any realistic hope of being in a relationship with the person someday.
Why?
Because anything else you do, even with the best of intent will backfire. You can't conspire to break them up - what happens when the one you love finds out what you did? And he or she will find out, believe me. The world is just not that big. You can't drop subtle (or not-so-subtle) hints about how much better you'd be with the one you love than the person he or she is currently dating - it makes you look egotistical, and probably not like someone the person you want is likely to ever fall for. In other words, don't trash him or her, even if you know he or she is cheating on the one you love. Your beloved is smart - eventually he or she will figure out just what kind of person they're dating and do the right thing. If you're the messenger, you're not likely to win any brownie points, and he or she may hate you for being the one to bring a painful truth to his or her attention.
Alex was smart. When I moved back to the East Coast at the end of that summer (after conveniently breaking up with the friend, who was an immature ass (and still is)), he stayed in touch. He'd call me once or twice a month, send me occasional letters and small gifts (usually music), and when e-mail became popular, he'd email me every couple of weeks. He made sure he was still my friend and part of my life, even peripherally. And, because I thought of him as a friend, as a good friend, I'd call and e-mail him, too. Even though I dated a lot of people in the ten years between dating his friend and finally realizing I was in love with him, Alex never let the friendship die.
This is what you must do, too. Do whatever it takes to be friends with the person you're in love with. No matter how hard it hurts. No matter how hard it is not to let your feelings show - to anyone, not just the one you love. And the worst part, according to my husband, will be this: you can't tell anyone either. Because word will get back to the one you love, and all your hard work, friendship, and not letting it show will have been for nothing. Oh, people will figure it out for themselves. They may even ask you if it's true. You must, you must, if you want any chance at all of being with the one you love someday, confirm or deny nothing.
Alex's story has a happy ending. Eventually I let myself realize what I'd felt about him for some time, and admitted to him that I was in love with him. We became engaged within six months, and married less than a year later. We've been happy together for six and a half years, now, and have a 2-year-old daughter.
With a little patience, honorable behavior, and a determination not to give up on the object of your affection, your story can have a happy ending, too.
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Holy, that's good advice. Right now, I am in love with a very good friend of mine. He has a gf and she is pressuring him to get engaged/married. For a while I've 'thought' that he and his gf haven't been on the same page but I've kept my trap shut!
Recently we had a heart to heart and he explained a few things about his gf that worry him and he doesn't really see the 'worth' in getting married...although she wants a big party/wedding. I believe wedding and marriage or two different things...anyhow, this is the first bit of advice I've seen that makes sense.
Somewhere deep inside me I feel that one day, my friend and I may be together, but until that possible time I try to be supportive of everything he does...from work, to personal endeavours to his relationship.
It is hard, I must confess, to do this but I think that losing his friendship would be a horrible thing. How do I keep from telling friends? At first, when I realised my feelings for him I told a few friends (that don't know him) b/c it hit me 'wham!' that I love him. After a while I backed off from that but have no one to express my feelings to. How do I handle/manage that? I see him almost everyday, he's constantly on the brain!
If you don't already have one, get a blog and start venting there.
You're right, there is a HUGE difference between a wedding and a marriage. Even if they do marry, it sounds like it won't last long.
Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing!
Good idea Rhomylly! I hadn't thought really of blogging away my thoughts about this. Thanks once again; most advice I've seen on this topic is angry and/or from angry people. Yours is sensible and honest.
I came across this site whilst looking for advice and it looks as though I couldn't have found a better site. Rhomylly, you are so wise!!! I too am in love with someone whom is already taken. And is actually due to get married this year. We met at uni in California 5 years ago. Our 'thing' was kinda over before it ever really began. The problem was he had a girlfriend of 1 year who worked away. This guy made me feel like I've never felt before. When I was with him i felt amazing, stupidly happy, and I couldn't stop smiling the whole time I was with him. We kissed but nothing more apart from the usual cuddling up on the sofa, hugs and stuff. Months later he said he'd thought long and hard about things and wanted to leave his girlfriend to be with me as he'd realised his feelings weren't as strong for her as they were for me. Because I didn't want to go any further with a guy who obviously had ties, and I really didn't want any trouble, I said I wasn't interested. Which was so far from the truth it's untrue! I was very interested.
I didn't see him for ages but he was always on my mind. I started dating other boys and tried to forget about him but It didn't work. We've stayed in contact over the years and have met up on many occasions. We're now both 28 having the same old conversations as we did at uni, cuddling in the corner of restaurants,meeting up in secret etc. And he still makes me feel exactly the same. I know he's a cheater/player and i should stay well away but i can't. For some reason, i'm completely taken in by him. I've never, ever experienced anything like it before. I have a boyfriend and feel dreadful on him that i meet up with the other man but i feel compelled to see him. I worry that i don't feel the same way about my boyfriend as i do with him and I'm worried that i never will.
I consider myself to be a good person in all other areas of my life and I would never wish to harm a soul, but when it comes to this guy it all goes out of the window. Many thoughts have crossed my mind about telling his girlfriend about him, but i'd never really do it. All these years later i can't help but feel that i missed my chance of being head over heels happy, just because I wanted to play it cool. Boy am I paying for that mistake.
I know what I should do, but it's easier said than done. I hate myself for being this way. It's not fair on my boyfriend, or his girlfriend. My boyfriend is an amazing person, I just don't feel the same about him. I just always wonder 'What if I had said yes to being with him'? Yes, he's marrying his girlfriend of 6 years, but why does he keep arranging to meet up with me? When we're out, why does he always try to kiss me? Am i being totally naive? Should I just once and for all get him out of my life, cos' this guy is really on my mind all of the time!
What an interesting and great hub!
I am in a similar situation...I'm deeply, madly and truly in love with someone, who has a gf for quite a while now.... 5 years to be exact (really obnoxious person, i have to add), and he has no idea how i feel. we met almost a year ago and we just clicked. in the last couple of weeks, he's been acting really strange, mostly 'cause he is really stressed out at work, and i think in part because he started to realize what he feels for me (something happened)... i just told him that no matter what happens i will be there for him, and i will... the thing is we hardly ever speak now, but i can't keep my mind away from him and his smile. he is in my thoughts every day and not being able to be with him is killing me, but reading this story makes me feel as if i have some kind of hope... even though maybe hope means really commiting to this love i have for him and not let myself get carried away by other distractions.
Great hub! When I met my SO I was fresh out of high school and he four years my senior and engaged. He'd had a lot of rough spots with his fiance and they just really didn't get along anymore (she'd even brought up that she didn't think she wanted to marry him anymore) so his friends conspired to give us time to get to know each other in the form of refusing to help him with papers (he had an overnight newspaper route in addition to his main job) and since I didn't go to work until 1:30 each afternoon I volunteered. Throughout our time together I listened to what he had to say and tried to give him advice on his failing relationship.
Luckily I didn't have to wait ten years, a mere six months later he came to visit me and tell me that he'd jut broke it off with her and wanted to be with me. I know he didn't know how I felt because only my dogs were privy to that information (I doubt they told) but he did have a host of friends telling him I'd be a great choice. That was four years ago, our son is two years old now and we're getting married on summer solstice this year :)
I've learnt the hard way by doing the opposite i confessed to the guy i know i want to be with for the rest of my life, he had a girlfriend at the time but said he felt the same way... a year later he's still with her.... it still kills me thinking how things could have turned out so much better if i had just kept quiet and kept my dignity and pride, i guess its hard when you're so in love, i'm a spontaneous person i would climb a mountain and walk through fire for that man i was 19 at the time and it was awesome and i just couldnt hide the fact i was really happy when i was with him. But i ruined our friendship the guy cant even talk to me anymore and i'm still achingly in love with him, its really drained my confidence knowing he choose her in the end and it makes trusting someone else really difficult as i heard so many empty promises. Its awful hard moving on when you don't want to and no guy seems able to compare cause they're just not him. so yes i wish every second of the day i had kept quiet. But i'm a strong believer in karma and fate if somethings for you it will not pass you by, and if it didn't work it will be for a good reason. but in the mean time theres always ben and jerrys and great friends!
Hard to believe it's been 5 months since I first posted...things haven't changed all that much in my sitch. He and his gf are still together but as our friendship has grown he's shared more of the problems he's having at home.
I really think he has some feelings for me but for now is committed to his gf. He said last week to me, 'isn't it funny how lovey-dovey we are?'. I was taken aback and had no response...ha! He probably thinks that was strange; me without a response. In retrospect, I wish I did have one...
I'll never say anything to him unless he asked me directly if I have feelings for him. To him, I could not lie and he knows that.
im inlove too with my friend..and he confessed to me that he also feels the same way..but he has a girlfriend for 6 years or more..we kissed several times..even make out one time..and realized that we love each other..but we chose to stay as friends coz he is in a relationship..and my heart is now breaking into pieces slowly everyday...knowing that we love each other but we cant be together...i dont wanna hurt someone thats why i agreed to be friends with him..until now we consider ourselves as the best of friends..but reality bites...i love him so much...what will i do??/
I am interested by a lot of things, adventurous, sociable, active, just thing that life is fun and want to share that with someone, so I involved me into the casualloving.com--casual encounters club, i make a lot of friends and i fall in love with one... i wish we are happy as u.............
Thanks for your advice - it certainly shows that if things are meant to be, they'll work themselves out in due course.
There's a girl that I like but right now she's taken - we've sort of grown apart recently because I always feel uneasy talking to her about her boyfriend. I'm not sure if anything will happen, but she is one incredible girl. I guess that if something is meant to happen, then it will in time. Waiting is a pain though!
i came across this site while looking for advice, and although i'd already chosen to keep my feelings quiet, it's great to hear that there is some hope.
i'm in love with a friend who i was briefly involved with three years ago. it ended because i began a relationship, which i have since found out that he was really upset/jealous about. he distanced himself from me for a long time, but we began talking again a year ago, and became close again, although it was mainly phone-calls because i was still in the relationship. he kept making hints and saying that he still had feelings for me, and it certainly felt like it. there's an amazing chemistry between us, like we both can look each other and don't need to say what we're thinking.... it feels like we're meant to be together. (and i'm not an sentimental/idealistic person in ANY way)
i began to fall in love, but by the time i ended my relationship, he had started a relationship with somebody else.
they are still going strong, and seem to be really happy. we barely talk anymore, mainly because he's hardly around anymore, and i have distanced myself from him anyway - just like he did to me. whenever we do talk, it's really awkward, and he has been overly curious to find out my current relationship status. i'm sure he does still feel for me, and regrets/wonders about how we could have been.. but he is certainly in love with this girl. and worryingly, he is the type of person who is keen to jump into settling down(eg. marriage) very easily/prematurely. it concerns me that, knowing my typical bad luck, they could be together for the rest of their lives. i certainly don't see it ending anytime soon, but i know from experience that relationships aren't always as amazing as they look from the outside. i was in a relationship with someone i thought i'd be with for the rest of my life, but it still ended.. many friends have had babies with their partners and still split up. she also doesn't seem to be a very good match for him, she is quite immature and they don't share the same interests, really.
so it's just a case of waiting, and hoping that i'll be lucky. (for once) i really just hope i'm not waiting in vain. i'm limiting my contact with him to make it easier for me.... it's unlikely we'll lose touch, thanks to the likes of email, facebook etc.. and we also have mutual friends - so things can easily be picked up again if he's single again.
i just hope that staying away is the best thing, he's always had this sort of 'addiction' to me, and i wonder if i did stick around more, be in front of him, that he would realise his feelings for me again, and maybe this would reduce his feelings/intentions towards his girlfriend? this is what happened to my relationship when he appeared in my life again.
sorry for the lengthy comment - but thanks for the advice, and i hope everything works out for everybody.
This was a really cute story. Smart, too. Trying to break a couple up NEVER works. In fact, it IS a pretty not nice thing to do, and I'm glad Alex isn't that sort of person :)
I seem to be caught in one of these sort of situations. I'm in love with a woman who has been taken for almost 3 years now. Throughout the years, every time he has done something to hurt her, I was always the one calming her down, always the one to wipe away her tears, and every time, I wished that she could see what he was doing to her. She has since moved closer to me to go to school, and we see each other a lot more often, but every time I'm with her, I'm happy, but at the same time, my heart breaks more and more, knowing that she wasn't with me. She has told me time and time again that she is in love with me, but that she was committed to her boyfriend. I'm confused as to what I should do. Should I break down and tell her everything? Or should I wait and pick up the pieces every time he does something to hurt her, only to send her right back into his arms?
I too is in a situation where I am in love with a man who has a girlfriend and he talka to me about alot of things and we spend a lot of time together what am I to do I don't wnat to tell him how I feel about him because I don't want to damage our relationship as friends I asked him one time before how serious is there relationship and he responded to me to say " We get along now" I left ialone because I don't want him to get a clue of how I feel about him. I have read some of the posting and they are very helpful and sensible
Well it's been almost a year since I last wrote... and now I really don't know what to do. My friend and his gf are now broken up. Where do I go from here? What do I say? I know he needs space but do I let him know how much I really care or should I let things take their course? I love him and don't want to lose him.
I really wish my friend had seen this story b4 he confessed he loves me while i was still dating my bf. i was totally shocked as i had never even thought he would like me. The worst thing is both of them are also friends and they go to the same school. I was really confused and in the end i rejected him and also broke up with my bf cause i wanted to forget the whole mess and hope everything will go back to normal.
When my bf found out, he was jealous and went to confront his friend, now things are really strain between all of us and i really hate that. And my friend still drop hints that he still likes me, while my bf is avoiding me. Haix.
what do you do i need help!
Well there are two options when you are confronted with this problem. Commit or Walk away. You have to ask yourself, are they worth every single bit of pain that I endure? Are they worth all the waiting and effort? If you Love someone like Alex did you have to endure, and put the potential relationship above all else, make it top priority. There is never a sure way to know if it will work out, but if you really love the person you all know it is going to be worth it for the mere possibility of you being together.
I used to be a very lonely person, and I still kind of am. My parents never did much and left me to raise myself, alot of the time I am my own parent. I scold myself, I tell myself what I need to do, I nag myself, I punish myself - I didn't need anyone else but myself to survive. I was ostracized for wierd behavior and always played by myself. I saw kids being happy, I saw them in much less pain than I, I was so envious. I became so full of malice at one point I thought I actually was going to kill somebody. Then this one girl, different from anything I had seen, saw the crying child acting tough, and she acknowledged me. She was the light that lead me away from the precipice of madness, and she helped to open up my eyes to everything wonderful in this universe. She is my everything, without her I don't think there would be a me in the sense of a nice, happy,funny and intelligent guy. She turned my world upside-down. That is where the problem starts...
I know she is worth every bit of hurt, every bit of sacrifice I can make I will. The matter is her accepting it. She has had a rough past as well, much more rough than I, which I am not at liberty to talk fully about. I am one of her best and only true friends, yet she doesn't trust anyone and runs away because she feels she is going to get hurt. She is dating a guy right now that meets her morals for what she is doing and is hiding behind him, so she doesn't have to solve her problems. The guy is respectable but isn't ready for the committment needed for her, thus why she hasn't shared her load with him yet. All I can do is tell her I am there for her and wait patiently. Maybe someday she will see someone loves her and accept it. I would happily wait for as long as it took for her to realize.
I'm in a situation right now that i never thought i would be in. I knew this girl since she was very young, like 11yr old young. I'm 23 now and she is 19, our families are pretty close so i know it would be kind of weird for everyone if they knew how i felt about her. I'm seriously in love with this girl, i thought i knew what love was before but i realized i haven't. I hurt at the thought of her not knowing how i feel, i hurt seeing her with the guy who doesn't treat her like i know she deserves. Its almost depressing, this is so knew to me. I really don't know how to deal with this.
She is with her boyfriend of 4 years and she actually just had a 2nd child with him which sucks. She left him 2 or 3 times already because he treats her like shit but she keeps going back with him. Supposedly now he is treating her much better, which makes me think i will probably never have a chance to be with her. I don't even know how she would react if she knew how i felt. It could be weird for her because she probably looks at me like a brother type. Its so strange because when we were younger, we couldn't stand each other and now we get along so well and i think she is the most beautiful person inside and out.
I usually see her a couple times a week because her parents live next door. This makes it hard for me not to have feelings. I have literally tried to find stuff about her that would make me not like her in this way anymore. Like she lost her virginity at a young age, and i'm pretty conservative (not a virgin). I like to feel like she is perfect, like she hasn't done anything haha even though she does have kids. But i tried to use that as a reason not to like her, which it didn't work. Because the next time i saw her those thoughts were out the window.
I just hope one day i can let her know how i feel, i just don't wanna go on without her never knowing. Because as you get older, you grow apart from people. And who knows if we will see or talk to each other as much. Its just so hard right now, i come to appreciate the saying that love hurts. Because it really does...
Wow, what a great story. Truly inspiring to me as I sit here with tears in my eyes.I can only hope and dream that my situation turns out happy as well.
Right now, I am in love with some who is seeing someone else. One of the hardest parts is that he knows that I am crazy about him. The other thing is that I don't know if he shares the same feelings or if it is unrequited. I don't want to ask because I don't want to ruin the friendship I do have with him.
Wow, what a great story. Truly inspiring to me as I sit here with tears in my eyes.I can only hope and dream that my situation turns out happy as well.
Right now, I am in love with some who is seeing someone else. One of the hardest parts is that he knows that I am crazy about him. The other thing is that I don't know if he shares the same feelings or if it is unrequited. I don't want to ask because I don't want to ruin the friendship I do have with him.
Well Im Young And single but the Guy i love is'nt single
what shall i do break them up?
Hope Them The Best?
Wait?
Please Help
I am in a similar situation right now. We email every couple of weeks and I am genuinely in love with her, and I think her with me, but she has a boyfriend and we are thousands of miles apart now and she refuses to contemplate her feelings. I am getting ready to delete her from my life. The story above is unrealistic, to wait for 10 years! for somebody hoping they will change their mind. Alex is a demi-god.
thanks for all of the stories. i've had feelings for the same guy for years. the timing has never been right and we've both admitted that to one another. (either he is taken or i'm taken.) We admitted our feelings for each other once, but the timing wasn't right then either.
Currently, he's taken. I want to commit myself to waiting for him, but 10 years?! What if it never happens? I feel like I'm trying to let myself love other people and it's just not working out because no one really compares. He's always the one I turn to for advice, and the other way around. I would never want to destroy his happiness that he has with his current girl. Seriously, if you love someone, you really want their happiness before your own right? At the same time, at what point do I have to swallow my pride and let it go?
i'm glad i found this..
thank you thank you thank you..
i've been confused to either speak out or just let things happen..
this helps a lot..
:)
so...you guys are saying that you SHOULD stick to the one you love?
uh...can i share my part of my story? because..im deeply confused...
ok..so im 18 right now, and i love this girl whos currently taken by a guy of course.
and theyve been dating for almost...4 years now.
of course..she nows how i feel about her and tells me to move on. of course..ive moved on. and told myself to be her friend..and that in time, i would just forget my feelings for her and that it would dissapear. im wondering..was that the right choice? and..im a man of my word. and i dont want to regret. but theres also a small part of me saying..."You shouldnt really give up on her yet." but, i asked my friends about her, and that she just consider me and a friend and that she never did liked me more than a friend.
of course..shes a good girl and all.
and i just got a feeling...that shes the one for me. i mean..my friend said this to me. "its not destined, its just matter of experience and guts." but i just feel like we are meant to be..
i mean, when i 1st saw her, it wasnt LOVE at 1st sight. i didnt care much about her really. not until we talked and we just laughed at the same things and at the same time.
and we have the festival once in a year and theres alot of people. and..ever since i met her, ive seen her there 3 times in a row ever since my sophomore year. now im a freshman college student.
now, im just talking to her about everyday through mail and nothing really new. i dont really want to lose this girl..but i know that...if you really love someone..you have to let them go, right?
Ive had feelings for this one girl for about a year and a half. She has a jerk boyfriend, which asked her out the day after i told her how i felt(also i wrote a poem for her)Ive had to wait through three other boyfriends who have broken her heart. Ive tried to move on, but when i think about it i get a sick feeling in my stomach. I just dont know what to do.
Hi hi,
I'm also in a simillar situation.
I have a friend and I've been friends with him for a coupla years. When we where getting real close, I quit the internet (our main means of communication) to study for my final year of high school, so we wrote letters. One of the letters he wrote me a story, with me in it as his wife "each week my wife sent me a letter." Not soon after the story came into being he found himself a girlfriend and they've been together ever since. Anyhow now I've returned and we're rattling on just like the good ol' days. A little harmless flirting, a little affection and whole lotta friendship.
It's playing on my mind that if they break up it would be my perfect opportunity to finally start something. But until then it's a little painstaking watching them together.
Any tips?
xoxo lou
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Veronica says:
2 years ago
Alex is smart! You're right, his way was really the only way to go in the situation.
Great advice!
I'm glad things worrked out!