Alright, I'll admit it. For all my anti-pop-culture rhetoric that spouts from my mouth in every day converstation, I like to keep on trend ... usually. I still refuse to wear things that were from the 1980s. It was only a few years ago where we were berating the things people deemed wearable during that horrible decade for fashion, and now we are simply reusing a lot of the same patterns and colors. It just shows how fickle we are, I suppose.

Still, I enjoy opening up a magazine and leafing through, trying to find ideas. So you can imagine my elation at receiving a (free) copy of the spring issue of Elle, a supposedly reputable fashion mag. I can honestly say I've never read it before, because I like to look to European ones that stay ahead; take Italian Vogue, for example. Jessica Alba's on the cover of this issue, and I can say, she does look fabulous considering she had a baby recently. I open up the cover and I am appalled.

First of all, the fashions they show - completely unwearable. Crap that walks down the runway for arts sake does not mean that you can pick it up at a local store and wear it on the street. It would be like ordering a replica of the sculpture of David and carrying it around with you all day; an impractical venture, at best, and you'd probably be wishing you could put it down after a while. People would be staring, too. But this, however, is not my biggest gripe.

Secondly, the fashions we can sport are hideous. Harem pants are not flattering; boxy shaped dresses do nothing for a woman's figure (see the Calvin Klein dress above); and I hate bandage dresses. Yuck. Yes, this may be my opinion, but I look around at even the most fashion-forward Tiffanys and Melanies - none of them are wearing any of this. Yet, even this does not make me want to throw away the magazine - I can still get ideas from this mishmash of poo.

Third, I don't know about any of you, but I am trying to save my money. Apparently, none of the fashion magazines have noticed that we are in a recession, because they still display wispy tops (sheer material that only covers the front of your body, mind you) that are over $2000. And I'm not even exaggerating. There's a reason that "Confessions of a Shopaholic" received such poor reviews for having no sensitivity to the current national situation, and I'm thinking that other forms of media (ahem Elle, In Style, Who What Wear ahem) should probably follow suit.

Now, as an aside, I want to explain why I haven't dished out criticism for Vogue. It is a high-end fashion magazine; the writers cover designers, who for whatever pretentious reasons, charge ridiculous amounts of money for their pieces. They don't pretend to cater to people who can't afford the garments. Like I said, I will pick up a fashion magazine for ideas; I can easily print out a picture or rip out one as inspiration and go shopping, knowing that I will never regularly shop at Prada. I'm okay with that. But what Elle does is try to make you feel like you are not fashionable enough if you don't wear the designers they feature (even if what they create is absolute trash - Derelicte, anyone?). And they say things like, say, a T-shirt with a design by Up and Coming Whoever is so affordable; it's only $300! Gasp! What a steal! Blech. I think I'll just paint my own T-shirt, thank you very much.

Anyway, continuing on.

I was becoming more and more infuriated with this magazine, but even then, I continued to read ... er, look, because there's not much reading to be had. Which is yet another annoyance. When there was any copy, it was so disastrously written that I felt the need to whip out a red pen and edit it. Either that, or it was so politically driven that I wanted to vomit. Not that I mind reading about politics that involve issues that women face every day, but when it has nothing to do with fashion or women in general, I would much rather see it in a political magazine. And if I read one more article about Michelle Obama's wardrobe, I am going to puke. And still I pressed on, although I had about 1/12 of the patience with which I had started.

Fifth, I think I went through more ads than I ever have. I understand that advertising is where the magazines get their revenue, but seriously? I couldn't tell half of the time if it was an ad or if it was a review of something. I've flipped through In Style and seen less ads, and that's saying a lot.

The final straw, however, is this: the layouts are horrid. I felt like I was reading through a Teen Beat (which, by the way, do girls still read that tripe?). Collages were everywhere, with disgusting neon colors; I was so overwhelmed that I didn't even look at some of the pictures until my second time through (I did this to see if I was overreacting - I wasn't). In my graphic design classes, I was taught to lead the eye, not to distract it until it spontaneously combusts. Elle wants to be a high end fashion magazine - at least that is what its fashion editor seems to want to make us think by offering her services on Project Runway. It doesn't have to copy Vogue (although they might want to emulate it a bit until the editors find a way to look classy by itself). After seeing this too much, I finally threw in the towel.

As of now, the free issue I received is at the bottom of some trash dumpster, where it should be. I just hope some poor homeless person can use it for some warmth tonight.