I was watching the 700 Club and there was an interesting interview  with a broadcaster from Fox News, named E.D. Hill. Mrs. Hill has eight children and has written a book on her experiences, called "I'm Not Your Friend, I'm Your Parent". In the interview, Mrs. Hill gave an example of her parenting style. She tells of a visit to her son's high school, and during the visit, she went to her son's locker and went through his things. A teacher friend saw her and said "You can't do that!" Mrs. Hill asked, "Why not?"

The teacher responded, "You'll embarass him! You'll ruin his self esteem!"

Mrs. Hill wasn't interested in her son being embarrassed by her action. She was more concerned about her son keeping a secret that could possibly get him expelled from school, or put him in jail! (Either of these actions could be more devastating than being embarrassed!) 

Mrs. Hill then said something very interesting.  She said that lately, teaching in schools have been all about self-esteem, self respect, and self worth and not much about self discipline and acomplishment through hard work! If I had child, of course I would want my child to feel good. I would want my child to feel empowered, but I would also want my child to experience the sense of acomplishment from working for something. I would want my child to understand that he or she should be motivated to give a project their best effort and to be proud of themselves when they do, regardless of the outcome. There's nothing wrong with wanting to instill the desire to achieve acomplish somehthing. It does not automatically mean that the child will grow up to be hyper competitive.

Children need to learn that there are consequences for negative behaviours and there are rewards for positive behaviours.

I had a friend that had some problems with disciplining her children. She admitted that she initially had an anger management problem, and she received treatment for that problem. However, she didn't learn coping tools to discipline her children and have them understand that negative actions have consequences. She kept saying, "I love them and I don't want to hurt their feelings!" I kept telling her "its better for them to have hurt feelings while young and small than to have broken bones or arrest records later in life when they don't get their way! The criminal justice system isn't going to love your kids! The criminal justice system will discipline them without the mercy that you show!"

She would whine,"but what about their self esteem?" I would reply that having self esteem doesn't mean squat when you're in jail!"

My point is... that our children don't need us to be their friends. Our children need guidance, protection, discipline and boundaries. And if giving them the aforementioned guidance, protection, discipline(which does NOTmean spanking in all cases) and boundaries, means they yell"You're so mean! I hate you!" So be it. These temper tantrums, handled skillfully and with love will  yield healthy adults with ... healthy self esteem.