I have two married daughters. One has been married for about a year and a half, and the other has only been married a couple of months.

While it is weird, especially since I also have a 4 month old baby, it is also wonderful. I really like my new sons. I have good arguments with one.  Good kinds, like about politics and religion, which we both agree on, but argue on anyway. 

My 3rd child's (grow up child, I should say) wedding. It is probably the most romantic wedding I have ever heard of. We brought our children up with a heavy emphasis on purity. So our daughter and her finance were chaperoned through their courtship, yes, every single time.

They decided to promise to wait until after they took their vowes to share their first kiss. In addition to this, my daughter had decided long before, to be faithful to her husband before she ever even met him, and never kiss anyone but him. (sigh) Difficult, but very possible.

They took their vows with only me, her sister, her father (the pastor) and her new step daughter and one other witness present, so they could have a little privacy for their first kiss. It was after sunset, up in the mountains, by candle light among the trees My daughter held a single rose taken from flowers I had bought for my husband for our anniversary. After their vows we walked away so they could be completely alone.

The following weekend they had a huge reception, which had been planned out weeks before like a usual reception. My daughter sewed the chupa herself! It was also a wonderful reception, we had so much fun! I loved watching my new son dance, he was so happy! Then they went to Hawaii.

My daughter had a beautiful wedding. She and her husband laid out the ceremony themselves. They used traditions from different places, and followed Jesus' descriptions of a wedding in the bible. 

They also promised their first kiss to each other after they took their vows, and were chaperoned every single time during their courtship. 

They also had a small wedding ceremony, with only family present.  My daughter sewed her own dress (isn't is gorgeous?)  Then we had an awesome reception that they planned out completely themselves, on a budget even!

I forced myself not to cry that day because I knew if I did there was a good chance she would. We both cried a lot later, though. Such a wonderful mix of happy and sad! Happy because she was leaving to have a life completely seperate from me (selfish, okay, I admit it) and happy because she went into the arms of such a great man!

My daughter followed her husband to his home state.  They would like to live in the state I live in, but he wants to go to school, and of course, it's cheaper if you are a resident.  You need a good education to get a good job, so living in his state until he finishes school makes sense.

Of course, for me, this is diffiucult.  It's really hard for my daughter as well, but I can't speak for her, only myself.  I get to at least see my grown son and my other married daughter about once a week, which was hard to adjust to, but now I'm adjusting to something very different.

When you are a mom you have to be the mom.  You can't be a friend. A child needs guidence or this world will eat them alive.  They need to learn how to follow rules and obey authority or they will end up with many, many problems.  They need to know how to play 'the game' of life.  You all know what I mean.  So I have done this the best I know how for my children.  It would be so much easier if I could just be their friend and play all day long.  But it doesn't work that way.  But, if you teach your child what they need to know to function as adults, when they get there they are most likely to be your friend.  It's very ironic.  If you raise a child to run wild they most likely resent you later on and your relationship suffers when they are adults.

So I raised my 3 adult children to know a couple of things.  If you use drugs I will have nothing to do with you.  Do not show up on my door step asking for a place to crash while you sober up, I will call the police. (I've watched intervention, no addict is in it alone, so I make it clear I won't be your enabler. Not that any of them intend this, but if they know they won't have any support, maybe this will help them if they are ever tempted. It's too late after they've tried it to figure out my response.) You can live with me until you are sure you are ready to leave even to  40+, but you will pay rent, pay your own way, do your own laundry etc.  When you leave, whenever and however you do it, you get out there and make it, you are capable, intelligent, and have all the tools you need, figure it out.  Call me if you want to know what I did in a similar situation, but do not ask for money, do not ask to move back in.

When my first married daughter got married, that night I emptied out her room.  She was shocked.  I said, I want to make it clear that you belong in your husband's house now.  When you have big fights, you must work it out, or go to his mom's house, but not here.  And she has, I'm very proud of her. (not that they fight, they have a great marriage) I also told her that whatever I've taught her about married life that it goes by the wayside if her husband has a different idea. They are not working out MY idea of marriage, they are working out their own. They are very different people with very different circumstances than me and my husband.

So, I'm coming to terms with my children being out on their own.  I've prepared them the best I know how.  Now I can be their friend.  It's been a lot of work to get here, but it's soooo worth it! Part of this is working out that I am only a little part of their lives, the same way my mom is now a ittler part in mine.  I always have to think about when I left home.  I wanted to stretch my wings, do it on my own, figure out how to fix my own problems and pick my own self up when I failed.  They need the same space. But hopefully they still need me a little, but not so much as a mom, but as a friend and a source of encouragement.  And they know I will be their shameless cheerleader forever, I won't compromise this, that is my one demand because of all the times they were frustrating as children, they owe me that one thing. :)

So when I call to talk to my daughters I try to very polite and remember that when their husbands are there they know their wife is on the phone with "her mother". I don't want this to be an irritating realization for them. One of the ways I protect this is that I don't listen to my daughter's frustrations about their husbands.  I'm sure my sons-in-law have their own compaints about my daughters, that's part of a man and woman living together.  Their complaints are their own business, I won't get in there like women to in movies, yelling at their son-in-law for one thing or another. It will all be worked out in time.  I tell my daughters to talk to their husbands and not to me about their problems.  Talk, be respectful, work it out, learn how to live together, you signed up forever, this is what you do to get to forever.

It's difficult for me to find my new role in my children's life, but I will get there, I love them enough to work hard to figure it out.  It's okay that I'm 'her mother'. With all the alternatives out there, this is the best thing I can be.

 Birthdays are a very big deal for me. 22 years ago I was in a hospital room holding my first newborn. I had no idea that 22 years later I would be holding another of my babies who just cut her first tooth! What a wonderful, crazy 22 years it's been. I consider my adult children my best friends. I hope they don't consider me their best friends, though, they should have other friends, branch out, and of course, think of their spouses as their best friends. It's sad to think of people who say, my mom is my best friend, you know. Maybe, it would work to say my mom is ONE of my best friends. I hope I fade into their background, someone they think of occasionally, and even send a mother's day gift a day or two late. I want them to have full, rich lives with their launching pad in the past, something they give a nod to now and then.

Everyone has childhood years. Life with our parents is part of our past, it's unhealthy to spend one's whole life with one's parents. Of course there is nothing wrong with living in the same place, but have separate lives. As an adult you decide who you live with, unlike childhood, you have to live where adults tell you to live. Living with a parent as an adult is a choice. So, I am an adult, I have choices about my life.

I have the privelege of sharing the first few years of 10 human childhoods. I invest and have invested a huge amount into preparing them and guiding them so they can go into their adult lives with confidence and tools. Then my role as a mom is pretty much over. For 3 of them the time is over. We have a genetic link, but they are out there.  It was a beautiful time for me, and I hope my children also consider it a beautiful time. But it's over now. It's changed. All adults have friends, and being an adult myself, I hope these adults will consider me their friends. It's taken a lot to come to terms with this, but hopefully I will do so with grace. I've seen those mom's in movies that annoy their adult children. I don't want to be that. Needy. I also think about my own mom. It must have been hard for her, too, though she's had 22 years to adjust (I moved out first, 22 years ago). I want to take care of that relationship as well. It's the adult thing to do.