"To her the name of father was another name for love. " -- Fanny Fern

"I felt something impossible for me to explain in words. Then, when they took her away, it hit me. I got scared all over again and began to feel giddy. Then it came to me... I was a father." -- Nat King Cole

"He was all questions. But small boys expect their fathers to be walking lexicons, to do two jobs at once, to give replies as they are working, whether laying stones or building models...digging up a shrub, or planting flower beds...Boys have a right to ask their fathers questions...Fathers are the powers that be, and with their power and might must shelter, guard, and hold and teach and love...All men with sons must learn to do these things...Too soon, too soon, a small son grows and leaves his father's side to test his manhood's wings. " --Roy Z. Kemp

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope." -- Bill Cosby

"For God's Sake, Get Out!" -- The Amityville Horror (1979)

Changing diapers: Mess it up really bad the first time you do it! Make it look both unsanitary and unsafe, and you'll wife will ban you from changing diapers ever again. You'll thank me for this!

Bottle feedings: One for you, one for the kid. Just don't mix them up.

Breast feeding: Don't knock it until you try it...uh never mind....

Safe Surrender: Move to a state that allows safe surrender of the child until age 18 (Nebraska comes to mind). About age 12, you'll thank me for this.

College Planning: Why bother? If you're kid's smart; he/she will get a scholarship. If he/she isn't they'll just waste your hard earned money drinking it away. Why should they get to drink while you have to pay? Instead; make sure they can run and do pull ups and you've done your part in the college planning area. See your local Marine Recruiter for details.

Sleep: It's a learned habit. Get over it. Eventually you'll come to understand it's way overrated. About the time the kid starts sleeping through the night, your prostate gland will go haywire and you'll be up all night peeing. Or, they'll start sleeping through the day since they came in a 0300.

Potty Training: Get one of those floating battleships for the toilet. It's great fun for both you and the little guy.

Baby Food:

• Get a blender. Make the kids eat the same stuff you eat early, just blend it into a smooth paste. Nothing like Carne Asada Burritos with the texture of oatmeal.
• Add veggies to their diet early. Get artistic with the colors. Makes the diapers more interesting.
• My grandfather always said, "You can starve a man into eating almost anything." This may not work for kids, but give it a shot anyway. If after a week they're still not eating the brussel sprout shake, you may want to consider moving to that state with the liberal safe surrender policies.

Naming Kids: Don't be stupid! Consider all the kids you knew growing up that had stupid names and the living hell you made their life. Check out the initials too. Adrian Simpson Smith may be a family tradition, but nobody wants to grow up an ASS. Make the name easy to spell so the kid doesn't look stupid not being able to spell it or having to go through life correcting teachers all the time. Don't be stupid! I can't stress this enough. If you do decide to ignore this advice and name your kid Spatula; I'll kick your butt on behalf of your child.....who won't be able to until long after you're stuck in a nursing home in the bad side of town.

Baby Showers. If Dads were in charge, we'd just hose 'em off.

Mythbusters. Check out their TV show on the 5 second rule (http://kwc.org/mythbusters/2005/10/mythbusters_chinese_invasion_a.html). Also consider that while cleanliness is next to Godliness, we live on earth. Kids need to eat dirt and go barefoot outside in order to build up their immune systems. Keep them too clean and they won't outlive you. When that happens, you're stuck in a nursing home.....maybe on the bad side of town....consider that!