There are times in a man's life when he has to do things that make him uncomfortable.  Watch Twilight.  Listen to Celine Dion.  Pee sitting down.  There is also one other thing that makes a man tremble in the knees.  Impressing women.  For some strange reason, this comes hard to lots of men throughout the globe.  If you follow these step by step instructions, impressing women will be second nature, and you my friend, will be a chick magnet.

Step one:  Shower

I know this is common sense, but some people just didn't get the memo.  Go into your bathroom, peek your head into that bathtub area covered by that plastic curtain, and look up.  That thing right there?  A shower.  Turn that bad boy on, get some soap, and wash your nasty ass.  Armpits, junk, ass crack. 

Cleanliness is not just showering anymore though gentlemen.  Deodorent under the armpits, a freshly shaven face, and a splash of cologne (Not the whole bottle!  I'm looking at you crazy half the bottle European guy) will do wonders.

Step Two:  Clothes

While most girls will say clothes don't really make that much of a difference, I say they do.  And what I say goes.  Go buy yourself a nice pair of jeans.  A nice collared shirt, and some nice shoes.  If you are retarded and can't pick up matching things, ask the girl that works in the store to dress you.  She will dress you in clothes that make her want to jump your bones.  A good outfit should cost roughly 250-300 bucks.  What!?!?!  Yeah I said it.  100 for the jeans, 100 for the shirt and 100 for the shoes.

The rest of the time when you are not out in public, feel free to wear your high school gym shirt you 30 something college grad you.

Step 3. Manners

So you look the part and smell the part, now you need to act the part.  Manners are awesome.  Open doors for the ladies.  Buy them a drink or two or three at the bar.  Say please.  Say thank you.  Don't fart.  Don't burp. 

Step 4. Dialogue.

Speaking to the opposite sex is a big plus.  They like that.  But what do they like more than a man that can carry on a decent conversation? They like to be listened to.  So that means stop staring at her boobies.  STOP!  Ok she is not looking, look now! 

Listen to her. Listen listen listen listen.  Reply.  Repeat.  But for the love of God don't talk about shit that makes you happy.  She didn't watch American Gladiators and she sure as fuck didn't play Xbox Live for 5 hours last night.

Step 5. Don't gloat

While most men would argue that a woman does in fact care about certain things (how much money you make, what car do you drive, where do you live) I argue that women you actually want to be in a relationship don't care all that much. (The other women that DO care more about that stuff than anything else....probably want to stay away from those gals sport.)  Don't get me wrong, every woman cares to a certain extent as does every man.  She doesn't want to date a guy on his ninth DUI and still lives at home with Mom.  But your 1999 Dodge Neon isn't going to seal the deal either way. 

If you do have everything else going for you, don't gloat.  It's bad form.  She will find out eventually.  Nothing is more lame than hearing some douchebag at a bar tell some stranger he just met that he drives a Navigator. 

There.  That's how you impress a lady.  It's really quite simple.  You don't need things to impress them, you just need yourself, a bar of soap, and little bit of manners.

Fin.