I woke up this morning at 3:39. Today is 3/30/09. Three black crows flew over my house yesterday. Death comes in 3's. There were 3 children in my family and I'm the last. Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

Sorry. I'm so sorry for ever hurting anyone.

This is to be my last will and testament and writing it here constitutes publication. And, before I forget: St. Jude must be thanked publicly and I neglected to thank him the last time I prayed for a 'lost cause." Thank you St. Jude. What was it I asked for that time? Isn't that funny. You'd think you'd remember the last thing you thought about as a 'lost cause.' I guess I've gone begging to St. Jude too often . . . and God . . . and any other Saint who'd listen.

I'm not preparing to kill myself, by the way, and I pray Pest wasn't serious. I'm just feeling this morning like the end might be near. I know my health isn't the greatest and I've no doubt done irreparable damage to my internal organs over my years of smoking and drinking. The men in my family don't live long lives, and I'm as tough as any of them. The difference is that I'm a girl so I was allowed to be a cry-baby. But I'm ready to go now.

I didn't say I wanted to go. I've just made up my mind I'm ready. I'm resigned. And the damnable thing is that the closer I get to leaving the less I want the party to be over. Isn't that ironic? Well, as I've said before, my God has a sense of humor. My brother learned what he needed to learn before he left; I'm almost certain of that. So did my sister, I'm pretty sure. I don't think my mom learned. and part of that was not her fault. Alzheimer's turned her back into a child before she died and her learning ended--I think. My dad knew.

My daughter can have all my stuff. Sorry Katie, it's not much, but if Melanie is right about my mortgage being lost in the current financial crisis, perhaps she'll have a house to sell. She might consider asking Ron to move back in. At least there'd be 2 incomes and someone to sleep with the dogs. Ron still has dower rights, anyway--we're still legally married. But if she sells the house I would like her to give $15,000 to Carol. I owe her at least that much. Katie knows how to access all the crap on my computer and I hope she's able to sell my written junk and make some money since I have none to leave her. Perhaps she can even sell my artwork; who knows, maybe it WILL be worth something after I'm gone.

I'd like to thank some people for seeing me through this life. The list is too long. And another irony is that some of those people I've met recently, but will never meet face-to-face. You know who you are. Come to think of it, the people I have met face to face know who they are and how much I love and appreciate everything they did, and tried to do for me. I made my life the misery it was; they had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

I remember after Freddie Mercury died seeing Queen perform We Are the Champions, and I cried. I cried because it didn't seem fair and some of his lyrics are so absolutely true and appropriate, for him and maybe for me:

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

I've made so many mistakes. And I believe every single word written by Paula Andrea; I chose where to be, when to be, and set up all the scenarios necessary for learning the junk I needed to learn. Something tells me that when you get close enough to learning your lessons, your time's up. I'm really feeling my clock running down. If I'm wrong, this is going to be terribly embarrassing. Oh, well; I'll be right eventually.

It's been real.