Divorce and custody are two different things by J D Murrah

History and common sense shows that children are a precious gift. Even though we may not feel like they’re precious, especially in times of crisis, they still are. Some couples take this idea of precious gifts and turn it into children becoming trophies to fight over. Like Tim Allen of Home Improvement, they take something good and attempt to modify and beef it up.

In the aftermath of an affair, it is important to consider that the choices made affect not only yourself, but also your children. This issue is especially critical concerning whether you want to work things out in the relationship and solve the problems, or whether you want to find a way to pull out of this whole thing and go down the route of a divorce situation.

Before assuming that divorce will solve your problems, related to the affair, there are several things to consider.

1. The court will look at how well your spouse raises the children, not their proclivities. The court will not reject custody of the person having the affair, just because they had an affair.
2. It will not reject custody if they are gay. The court will look at the parenting ability. People may not like your spouse’s sexual proclivities, but they are not grounds that give you automatic custody.
3. What may be grounds for divorce is not automatic grounds for gaining custody.

The common fantasy in many societies is to treat an affair as a legitimate cause to file for divorce. It is assumed that when your spouse has an affair, you have a theological “get out of marriage free card”. This assumption allows you will file for divorce without any guilt. Although such thinking is popular, it does not consider the traumatic effects of the ‘post-affair divorce’ on children.

Consider the divorce situation for a moment. Bear in mind that when you involve the court in trying to solve the dispute, it is not you deciding things; it is not your spouse deciding things; all the power goes to the judge. When you take matters to the court, the moment you turn it over, you loose control over the situation. There is an old joke about how when two sheep go to court with the wolves, the winner of the case is the wolf.

If you feel powerless now in the aftermath of an affair, the situation is going to get worse by involving the legal system, because things will be taken out of your hands. When you file for divorce, you are no longer in control of your life or your children’s. Many things that before were solely decided by you, are either shared or taken from you.

1. You will not solely decide who your children can associate with.
2. You will not solely decide which holidays are yours.
3. You will not solely decide which doctors or dentists your children go to.
4. You will not solely decide where your children will go to school.
5. You will not solely decide where your children will live.

It the thought of loosing control of such decisions bothers you, then you may wish to reconsider the divorce option. When you pursue the divorce option, then you are throwing the dice and gambling that the court will rule in your favor.