Infidelity: Divorce and its options

When affairs occur, most couples consider the divorce question. Whether it is due to the advice of a lawyer, private investigator or friend, they see it as an option. Since many divorce lawyers make their money from divorce, especially contested divorces, they advocate such options. Many private investigators also thrive on others misdeeds and stand to gain from friction and trouble. Although dealing with divorce and divorce related options seems odd for a counselor who focuses on affairs, for many couples, the divorce follows the affair. It seems to me that when adulterers consider the cost of their actions, they may re-think what they are involved in.

Besides contested divorce, there is also the option of collaborative divorce. This is a growing trend in many cities across the nation. In some areas, there is continued resistance from the legal community to change the way they have done things in the past. In the past, the contested divorces provided a venue for more legal fees as each side hired lawyers to 'fight it out' while hiding their resources from each other.

Collaborative divorce often resolves issues without the time and expense involved in contested divorces. It requires the parties to openly address the family needs and resources.Besides openly addressing the needs and resources, the divorce process costs less and can often be done with only one lawyer involved. This reduces the expenses and time involved greatly In collaborative situations, both sides meet with the lawyer to address what their needs and the needs of the children are. Negotiations focus on finding the best way to meet those needs without all the legal proceedures involved in other processes. The mindset involved in collaborative divorce focuses on cooperation rather than "sticking it to them" which is often seen in contested divorce proceedings.

Another option, closely related to the collaborative divorce is the use of mediation. Mediation is a method of resolving disputes. Labor Union use mediation, along with many businesses. The cost of a mediator is considerably less than that of a lawyer. Choosing a mediator can be a daunting task. Since the legal profession likes to retain control of whatever it touches, in many communities the legal profession still controls the mediation field with many mediators being retired judges or lawyers.KNowing this is important, since some often use mediation as a way to obtain information to be used in the adveserial position. Some mediators approach mediation as a way to "force" a settlement rather than 'true' mediation where the needs of each are addressed.

Since many mediators were trained in the legal field, they approach the issues using the tools they were trained with which is often the use of threats, exaggeration, and intimidation in addressing issues. There are some mediators with conflict solving and people skills. Before choosing one, obtain several references and develop a feel for how they solve problems and deal with people. Mental health trained mediators often have good people skills, although they are not knowledgeable in all the legal intricacies. The ideal team would be a mental health professional, a financial planner and a lawyer. With such a team, the financial security of the family and children could be secured and each parents needs addressed from a problem solving position.

Mixing mediation and adversary litigation can create a monster. Lawyers have been known to use information obtained in mediation in their legal proceedings. With that in mind, if you use the mixture, be careful what you say and reveal in mediation. Many attorneys use mediation as a way of getting people to let their guard down and reveal information that can help them win the case, rather than use it in the negotiations needed in mediation.

Traditional contested divorces or ‘adversary litigation’ are literally a battle. The two sides are represented by lawyers who ‘battle it out’. Since the lawyers are often paid by the time they spend fighting it out, it is in their best interest to drag the battle out. There are fights over which rules they use, what is discoverable and what is not. There is a massive manhunt for information in a serious game of hide and seek. There is posturing and threats. Some of the threats are for intimidate the opposing side or to impress the client. For most lawyers, it is all a game. Next week they will be cutting up with the opposing attorneys over dinner. They look at the issue as a legal contract that is being dissolved. Since they look at it this way, many lawyers do not consider the feelings, financial planning, estate planning, taxes and other important issues. Like any other contract being dissolved, they have to deal with how the assets are allocated, and the best ways to keep the other side from finding your assets.

Rarely does the legal profession realize that they are dealing with people. They are dealing with the destruction of a family. Since I am a counselor, I cannot give legal advice. This information represents lessons learned from clients who endured the trauma of divorces and my experiences in dealing with families in the legal system. The legal system is not a friendly place for families. These situations, like affairs are serious situations. If you are considering an affair or in the midst of one, you need to also consider the potential legal price tag associated with your actions. Affairs often carry hidden price tags paid for by the family and endured by the children. Count the cost of the WHOLE MEAL DEAL before you continue with your affair.