Is it an affair or a sex addiction?

Adulterers have a way of making bad decisions sound good. They manage to twist and distort the truth about their choices and situation into something that sounds palatable. It is not by chance that on hearing of an affair, that the resolute spouse often reports feeling sick to their stomach. The nauseous sensation occurs when we take something in that was not digestible. The affair was a bad situation and not designed to be consumed and when your spouse is forced to face it, they will experience reactions to it. Some of these reactions will be very strong and show up in terms of bodily pain.

Dealing with affairs are traumatic enough, without having to consider the possibility of sexual addictions. As with all addictions, sexual addictions involve compulsive behaviors. The compulsive thinking and behavior have become a way of live for them. If your spouse has a history of addictive behaviors (gambling, alcohol, drugs, etc.), the possibility exists of cross-addiction. Cross-addictions occur when the addictive process is applied to a new stimuli. It could be that your spouse's affair is not a rejection of you, but rather them being caught up in an addictive behavior that they do not know how to escape. In cases where there is a history of mind control or trauma, you may also need to explore the possiblity of a sexual addiction. In some cases of bipolar disorders, the possibility exists of potential sexual addictions as well. If you are unsure, consult with a mental health professional on what you are dealing with.

Not all affair are the same. The origin and treatment of sexual addictions is handled differently than communication or relationship problems between a husband and wife. When you are dealing with addictive behavior, it will take a different approach than infidelity related to other reasons.

With the modern technology of SPECT imaging, researchers are starting to understand that the sexually addicted brain operates differently than other people’s brains. In the sexually addicted brain, more of the brain is used than in normal brains. This means that the sexually addicted population have brains that need to be lit up or turned on more than other people’s. They require a higher level of stimulation to feel 'normal. They are used to having those high levels of stimulation.The addiction is about attempts to stimulate or "light up" more of the brain.

The parts of the brain that light up are the same portions that are stimulated with cocaine and other stimulants. It is for this reason, that their sexual activity requires stronger stimulation than other people. Although they need a higher level of stimulation, the increased intensity is to that they can enjoy the experience, even though the intensity of stimulation is beyond what non-addicted persons need. This is one reason behind their need to for extreme behaviors in the sexual arena. With addicts there is a lower level of dopamine receptors, so they will need greater stimulation in order to “feel” normal. It is the dopamine release that gives the sensation of pleasure. When you are dealing with an addict, do not be surprised when they want to have sexual relations multiple times a day, even after you have been married for several years.

An analogy is that they are used to high octane sexual activity in order to achieve pleasure, where as others are accustomed to the lower octane levels. Many of their acts are about supercharging their stimulation in order to feel pleasure. They are unable to enjoy sexual activity without the intensity.

In Patrick Carne’s work on sexual addiction (Don’t Call it Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction), he identified ten types of sexual addiction. There are more, yet the list of 10 will provide some guidelines to help people discern whether what they are dealing with is an affair or a sexual addiction.

1. Fantasy Sex. Sex addicts like role playing and the use of fantasies. This also includes having sexual relations in dangerous places. The added stimulation of danger is part of what stimulates the other areas of the brain.

2. Seductive Role Sex. This includes the practice of multiple or serial partners. In this type of sex, the addict takes an active role in the seduction process.

3. Anonymous Sex. This includes high risk sex with unknown persons. Many types of cruising are included in this category.

4. Paying for Sex. The purchase of sexual services provides the addict with the added stimulation they need. Paying for sex also takes some of the guilt out of the situation for the addict.

5. Trading Sex. This often occurs when people sell or barter sex for power. Oftentimes persons in high powered positions will use sex to either express or gain more power. This includes keeping people in emotional bondage with a series of “You owe me” and payment is often in sexual terms.

6. Voyeuristic Sex. This is where watching is a major component of their activities.

7. Exhibitionistic Sex. This is where the addict deliberately attracts attention to the body or sexual parts of the body. They want to show off first to rev up the stimulation in their brain.

8. Intrusive Sex. This is where advances are made and boundaries are violated without the victim finding out.

9. Pain Exchange Sex. This is where being humiliated or hurt is part of their activities. This often includes degrading or debasing the other person. The stimulation of pain receptors is part of what excites them.

10. Exploitative Sex. This is where relations occur involving a power differential. The power differential is exploited to take advantage of or be taken advantage of.

Many of these practices involve novelty or newness of sensations. This is due to the anterior cingulate being part of the brain that is stimulated. The anterior cingulate is the part of the brain that focuses on novelty or newness of sensations. If any of the activities in the list above describes what occurred in the affair, there is a bigger problem than the affair. You will need to deal with what is behind the infidelity. In this case, you will need to rule out or deal with the likelihood of sexual addictions being present.

If you are still not sure after all this material, consider the saying in the recovery community, "No one leaves a great lover or a great marriage except a sex addict."