Is it Love or Love Addiction?

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

When people start a new relationship, even an affair, there is excitement. In the case of an affair, there is the excitement of learning about someone new along with the excitement that goes with engaging in activities that are seen as forbidden. The Bible even mentions that “bread eaten in secret is sweet”. There is something about engaging in the forbidden that is alluring. This double dose of excitement makes the experience very emotionally intense.

The strong intensity of emotions, besides making the person feel good, has some other effects. The extra strong intensity often triggers reactions in the brain chemistry. Modern science is finding that the ideas that have been known in addiction communities for many years does have solid biological foundations. The changes in brain chemistry begin a process where the person wants that level of stimulation again. Without a lengthy explanation of the brain chemistry involved in “falling in love”, the simple explanation is the person enjoys the sensation and wants more of it.

• Confusing love and sex
• Unable to concentrate due to the power of obsessive thoughts
• Looking for someone to "fix" or take care of you
• Poor boundaries with others
• Talking seductively
• Frequent use of double meaning words
• Cosmetic surgery
• Unwanted tattoos
• Getting high from romance
• Compulsive contact with x-spouse or former partners
  
• Angry outburst when threatened with abandonment
• Preferring fantasy to reality
• STD's (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)
• Dressing provocatively
  
• Frequent use of role play in sex life
• Feeling worthless without a partner
• Excessive jealousy
• Rapid weight fluctuations

It is not unusual that when in acute withdrawal that love addicts show physical symptoms. These may include the following;

• vomiting or diarrhea
• anxiety
• depressed mood
• joint pain
• body aches
• confusion
• cramps
• memory problems
• concentration problems
• crying spells
• low energy
• obsessive thinking
• sensitive skin
  

The desire for ‘more’, is what often leads people to develop addictions to love and affairs. Although it sounds extreme to some segments of the population, there is a phenomena known as ‘love addiction”. Those afflicted with it are often seeking the strong blast of feel good brain chemicals associated with falling in love rather than the long term commitment. When they see a perspective person, they begin fantasizing. The fantasies are often accompanied by purchases associated with a new relationship. Even before they meet the ‘love of their life’, their adrenalin and other brain chemicals are working overtime after being triggered by expectations. Their fantasies about what the new lover will be like, propels them into an emotional frenzy. These people find themselves reacting without thinking. Their thinking often becomes obsessive. While in this state, they are in a form of hypnotic trance. These love addicts are more focused on romance than sex.

With the love/romance addict, there are often periods when they will swear off relationships. This is only temporary. Soon they find the right person and they are once again in the midst of extreme behaviors. They never seem to learn from their mistakes and repeat a relationship binge and purge cycle. Some love addicts report being 'bored' with traditional relationships, and actively seek out extreme relationships. What these love addicts find is that they often discover that they excuse dangerous or unacceptable behaviors and keep seeking relationships that are 'more' extreme. They find themselves drawn to partners that are increasingly abusive and cling to those relationships despite the possible dangers.

Understanding love addicts and sexual addicts is important in dealing with affairs. Love addiction appears more with females, whereas sexual addictions are more prevalent among males. These are not exclusive categories, just gender prevalence with them. In each case, the stimulation of hormones are a major factor in their addictions.The hormone phenylethlamine (PEA) is a major culprit in these addictive processes. Although PEA is a major factor, other hormones also play a role in the development of addictions.Some of the other hormones include dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Together they form a powerful chemical cocktail that changes human behavior.

Often times the affair is not driven by a dislike of the spouse, but rather by the addictive processes driven by the hormones mentioned above, that are going on with their spouse. Responding to such compulsive behavior as in the love addict or sex addict requires a different approach than dealing with someone who is looking to scratch a seven year itch. Although the public often jokes about sex addicts, those afflicted with sex or love addiction suffer miserably. Sexual acts are about performing and seeking a release as part of a cycle rather the enjoyment of enjoying another person in the act of love.