Put no constrictions on the people. Leave 'em ta Hell alone.

-Jimmy Durante

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

-Jimmy Durante

Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

-Jimmy Durante

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

-Jimmy Durante

All of us have schnozzles . . . if not in our faces, then in our character, minds or habits. When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we begin to laugh, and the world laughs with us.

-Jimmy Durante

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-Jimmy Durante

Why can't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?

-Jimmy Durante

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.

-Jimmy Durante

Be a awful nice to 'em goin' up, because you're gonna meet 'em all comin' down

-Jimmy Durante

I hate music, especially when it's played.

-Jimmy Durante

When I got through with him, he was all covered wit' blood, my blood.

-Jimmy Durante

Man is the only animal that can be skinned more than once.

-Jimmy Durante

(ad-libbing with Bob Hope) When it comes to noses, you're a retailer. I'm a wholesaler!

-Jimmy Durante

Everybody wants to get inna de act.

-Jimmy Durante

I went inta the Automat today and I put a lead nickel inta the slot and whattya think comes out? The manager.

-Jimmy Durante

I'm da only man in America who can smoke a cigar in da shower.

-Jimmy Durante

Ladies and Gentlemen, you are under no obligation to laugh. However, if you don't, we have a brand new audience warming up in the basement.

-Jimmy Durante

Me and my big mouth !! I'd get rid of it, only it's such a handy place to keep my teeths.

My nose isn't big. I just happen to have a very small head.

-Jimmy Durante

Now you know that you can't go wrong ... If you start each day with a song.

-Jimmy Durante

(replying whether he'd read The Encyclopaedia Britannica) No, I'm waiting for them to make a picture out of it.

-Jimmy Durante

The street is amuck with vehicles ... and automobiles too.

-Jimmy Durante

(to his orchestra) Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place.

-Jimmy Durante

Treacher (Arthur), if anybody ever puts a price on your head ... take it!

-Jimmy Durante

Victor, the housing situation in this country is abdominable, why it's enough to give you an inferiority duplex.

-Jimmy Durante

What did Napolean do for relaxation? He read a book. What did Lincoln do for relaxation? He read a book. What does Congress do for relaxation? They book a red.

-Jimmy Durante

(when accused on splitting an infinitive) I don't just split 'em. When I goes to woik on 'em, I breaks 'em up in little pieces.

-Jimmy Durante

(when told that every comedian at some time in their life wants to play Hamlet) Nah, not me. I don't care if I never play one a dem small towns ever again.

-Jimmy Durante