This is a personal account of my experience with anxiety, what caused it, how it feels and what I am doing to manage it. I am diagnosed with a deadly illness, because of which my resources are depleted. In addition I have had a run of luck which leaves me with even more limited resources and because of that options that limit my freedom, my privacy and my sense of self-determination.. Anxiety feels much the same to almost everyone. It’s a feeling of dread that won’t go away. Tt can feel like an attack, like something huge and powerful is assaulting the senses, the body, the mind. Like most sufferers of anxiety, I would prefer to not have this happen at all. Therefore I will take you on a journey with me to find a solution to this anxiety. There is a whole world of solutions out there, in counseling, medication, support groups and herbal remedies. I know not everything will work for me, and I am fiercely independent. I want my own solution. Your results may vary. For some strange reason, my anxiety happens as an attack that comes around 4:30 PM DST. I can’t identify something that has happened at that time in the past, and I have been at work when it has been happening. It starts with a fluttering feeling in my chest that quickly grows to tension. I can feel my heart beating fast, then faster. I worry a little because I have had a stroke in the context of a migraine/anxiety attack. I feel my face begin to flush. I hide in my cubicle and hope it doesn’t show. I take a deep breath that comes up short because I am having trouble breathing. Suddenly I can’t hear well and my visual field narrows to what is in front of me. Tears well up in my eyes and I blink them back. I shift in my seat trying to find a comfortable position. By now I am certain that I am having an anxiety attack. I differentiate this from a panic attack as my symptoms are not severe, and once I realize what time it is, I can get some relief from knowing that the attack isn’t going to last long. The worst it’s ever been is a couple of hours.

I seek a non-chemical solution to my anxiety attacks, which requires the cognitive deconstruction of the process in my brain that is causing the anxiety. Basically that means that I am going to attempt to manage my anxiety with my thoughts. A friend of mine said to write down the thoughts and then disembowel the f***ers. I am not quite that violent. I think first I need to identify the symptoms and then address them one by one.  My symptoms are a feeling of apprehension or dread (anticipating the worst), trouble concentrating, a bad feeling in my chest, difficulty breathing and sometimes tears. Also sometimes my stomach gets upset and/or I lose my appetite. My anxiety is caused by events or circumstances.

Thoughts, irrational or not. The feeling of apprehension or dread (anticipating the worst), is a thought. Trouble concentrating has to do with thoughts as well. The tears come from thinking there is no solution. This is irrational. Other people report restlessness, irritability,  hypervigilance or watching for danger, and a feeling like one’s mind is blank.  Physical symptoms. The bad feeling in my chest is tightness or tension, my heart beating fast, and trouble breathing are physical symptoms. The stomach upset, and appetite loss also are physical symptoms. Other people report pounding heart, sweating, stomach upset, dizziness, shortness of breath, tremors and twitches, tension, headache, fatigue, insomnia, digestive problems (nausea, diahrrea, frequent urination).  My circumstances are a factor of my behavior and chance. I have to face the fact that sometimes anxiety provoking circumstances or events are due to my errors in planning or developing resources, or simply from chance.  

I think that soothing words from someone close to me would help. I have limited access to that because I have a limited number of people with whom I am comfortable, and those people don’t live near me. Being in control will help. I need to think of the things I can control., not the things I cannot control. I need to have some faith that the out of control things will be resolved. Soothing sensations would help. Comfort food, warmth, water, soft but not ticklish things near my body help. Soothing sounds would help. I like music. Challenging any irrational beliefs I have will help. I need to break down my irrational thoughts into beliefs that can be challenged.

Determination. I am determined to defeat the anxiety that is paralyzing me.

These are just the things I thought of. Your results may vary.

Being in control, determination and knowledge of my resources will  help. Since I am determined to win this, I need now to figure out how to be in control and I need to research my resources. My resources are the friend who is letting me stay with her, the money I am making from my job, and my ability to organize the research for help. That means I need to make a list of things to do to 1) mobilize my resources and 2) list the things I need to do. I can control what is happening by being disciplined about completing the things on my list.  

I need to engage things that will relax me. It is important that I do not relax completely because I am a trauma survivor and too much relaxation will cause another anxiety response.  Soothing sensations: I will listen to music and when I can, wrap myself in something warm. I can take a hot bath – that will soothe me. 

I found this quote that actually made me feel better: “I used to think that life was unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse, if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

Marcus, "Babylon 5, "A Late Delivery From Avalon."

I’m still a good person, even if bad things happen to me. Other things I can do: Ask for help. Break down overwhelming tasks into goals that can be reached. Engage resources.

A little postscript:

Since I am writing this in the midst of an anxiety attack, I will come back and edit it when I am thinking more clearly. And I will let you know if it worked. Meanwhile, suggest away. I can't say I will follow every suggestion, but if I use yours and it works I certainly will give you credit.

It always helps me to grin. 

It seems to be working. But as I said before, this is my formula. Your results may vary. You'll get the best results from developing your own formula.

I would say good luck, but luck has nothing to do with it.