My entire, short-lived life, I have been one of those people that have snickered at the idea of internet dating. Sometimes, when bored late at night, I would even go online to "craigslist" and read the personals for the singular purpose of laugh at people's attempts to attract the opposite sex (and same-sex) using the internet.

I actually found "love" on the internet. I met a man back in 2001 through the chat search feature in ICQ. We had a couple late night conversations and soon were the best of friends, chatting online for three years before actually meeting. Just a few months after meeting in person, I moved 3000 miles across the country to move in with him. Lived with him for almost 3 years before our eventual divorce. So, I am living proof that happiness could be found on the internet. Don't let my failed marriage fool you. It was a magnificent relationship, and I am kicking myself everyday that it failed.

Recently, I have actually delved into the "internet dating" scene. I recently moved to a new town, have no friends, and don't have the finances available for all the AA batteries that I would require with my new-found "manlessness."

Anyway, I first attempted with eHarmony. I really enjoyed the pages and pages of questions that it asked me. It really made me feel that with all those questions, it would surely find me someone that I could love and cherish and hump on a regular basis. After filling out the "love profile" it spat out 7 matches. The next day it spat out 7 more. None of them seemed the tiniest bit appealing to me. Maybe they were more charming if I actually talked to them. Found out then that I would have to sell my first born, more-than-likely illegitimate son to afford getting a membership with this site!

Match.com didn't ask nearly as many questions. It also didn't allow you to do much on the site unless you sold a kidney. This is when I started to realize that finding love on the internet is only for the bourgeois and upper-middle class.

My third and current attempt is with Singlesnet.com. I don't even recall asking any questions on this site. I filled out a profile with a LENGTHY explanation about myself, which I am finding is probably not read at all before sending me cheesy messages. I went ahead and spent the $25 for a month's worth of torture. This was by far the bargain-bin of internet dating sites. I feel that it's a bit like eBay, but without as many search options. In fact, the only search options you get is the ZIP code.

My conclusion to this? If you're not a person that would under normal circumstances use a dating website, then you will not find someone on a dating website. If you are a little eccentric and don't fit into normal parameters, you will not find someone on a dating website. Maybe it's similar to the Middle Ages, though. Pay your Indulgences to the priests to give yourself better odds of staking it out.

As I end this highly cynical article, I ask that if you would like to donate money to the most serious and solemn of world causes; getting me laid; then please contact me so I can send you my paypal information!