Interpersonal communication begins at birth, develops as we grow, and continues until the time of our death.  Babies engage in interpersonal communication with their parents, grandparents, or others through noises and gestures in an attempt to convey their desire to be held, fed, changed, etc.  As children grow they continue interpersonal communication with their parents, friends, teachers, and class-mates through words and gestures they hear and see.  The interpersonal communication process continues as adults hear and see more things and learn more ways of communicating their thoughts and feelings with co-workers, loved ones, and their children.  Considering the amount of interpersonal communication humans have with one another over a lifetime it would stand to reason that we should become very good communicators, but that is not necessarily the case.  In fact, effective interpersonal communication goes well beyond the simple day to day conversations we tend to think of.  One must be willing to take simple communication to a much deeper and more personal level, delving into another’s being to fully understand the meaning behind their words.  Not only to comprehend the words that are said, but to understand the reason they are being said as well.  As we explore some of the factors that affect interpersonal communication we will find that effective interpersonal communication is not as easy as one might think, and all of us could use some work becoming good communicators.

          Numerous factors can affect interpersonal communication.  A few key factors are the perceptions of the people involved, their listening abilities, willingness to disclose certain things about themselves, and the type of relationship they have.  Each of these factors can have a positive or negative affect on interpersonal communication.  These factors determine how well each person’s meanings are communicated and understood, thus determining how effective the communication actually is.  Understanding how each of these key factors affect interpersonal communication can help everyone become better, more effective communicators.

          Perception is reality.  The concept of selling a certain perception is taught in radio broadcasting classes because radio personalities must understand that the audience cannot see anything, they can only hear what is being said by the person behind the microphone.  Radio personalities must use their voice tones and inflection to make the listening audience perceive what they are saying the correct way.  A radio personality, for instance, would not use a monotone, slow, quiet voice to describe a huge new-car sale.  If they did the car dealership would likely not advertise at that radio station in the future.  Instead the announcer must use his/her voice and tone to describe the exciting event.  They may talk louder and faster to sound exuberated at the incredible savings the listeners will enjoy if they go to that dealership for the huge sale.  Often car dealerships will use the same announcer for each of their sales events because their voice sets the precedence with the audience that it is an exciting event.  The same is true of interpersonal communication.  A person’s perception of individuals, situations, and relationships will set the precedence for how they will perceive similar situations, individuals, and relationships in the future.  Those future perceptions are affected by how well people size up individuals, situations, and relationships to determine answers for questions such as “Why did he/she do that?” or “Why did I do that?”

          Does the person look trustworthy?  How well are they dressed?  What is the color of their skin?  How old are they?  What gender are they?  These are some personal constructs people use to judge other people.  These personal traits are often determined long before the person ever speaks a word.  Sometimes people group personal traits together to develop an opinion of others, called an implicit personality theory.  Self-fulfilling prophecy is another way in which people size up others by taking a preconceived notion about the person and acting as if it is true.  When one person acts a certain way to the other based on that notion, it will derive a particular response from the person which tends to coincide with the initial notion, thus making the preconceived notion seem true, whether it really is or not.  These are all examples of how people size up other people when communicating.  The ability to accurately size them up is useful in developing the correct perception of the person with whom you are communicating.

          Sizing up situations is also imperative in perceiving communication accurately.  Episode identification is the process of determining what type of situation a person is in, allowing them to prepare for the possible outcomes of the situation or what may occur within the situation.  It stands to reason that a person who has interviewed for a job in the past will be more comfortable in future interviews than he/she was the first time they were ever interviewed.  Determining episodes and using scripts that are appropriate for those episodes is also a useful tool in sizing up situations.  Closed episodes are those in which the conversation is almost completely scripted, such as a friendly greeting in which one person may say “Good morning, how are you today?” returned with “Fine thank you, how are you?”   Open episodes are those in which no preconceived notion or plan exists between the participants.  In an open episode there can be many different ways in which the communication can flow.  Defined episodes are similar to open episodes except that one or both of the participants are trying to control the conversation or reach some sort of closure.  Realizing what type of episode you are engaged in will help to size up the situation and ensure that proper perception of the communication is achieved.  

          When sizing up relationships it is important to have a true understanding of your own beliefs and feelings, and to know the proper way to apply them to each situation with which you are faced.  Self-monitoring is the awareness of the various images you project to others and the ability to adapt those images to fit the situation at hand.  High self-monitors are able to assess a situation and identify which self image best fits the situation.  Low-self monitors look for ways in which they can be what they perceive as “real” regardless of the situation.  In that respect it is important to find a happy medium where you can adapt yourself to situations and gain acceptance and understanding without compromising your personal integrity in the process.  Another important aspect when sizing up relationships is defining the relationship or how you relate with the others involved.  For instance, you would act differently and probably talk about different things when golfing with a close friend than you would if you were golfing with your boss.  The language you use or the stories you talk about having done with your friend as “crazy teenagers” may give your boss the wrong perception of who you are as an employee.  Accurately defining yourself in relation to others will help when sizing up the relationships you have. 

          The ability to accurately size up the people we communicate with, the situations in which we communicate, and our relationship with those people will greatly improve the accuracy of our perceptions and increase the effectiveness of the communication we have.  I recently found that my inability to correctly size up my relationship with a co-worker led me to believe I could share an inappropriate joke email with them.  When I did so that person filed a formal complaint against me stating that I had offended them with the email.   When reprimanded for the incident I asked my boss what freedom I had to discuss the incident with others that I know and care about who send similar things via company email.  My perception of his answer led me to believe it was acceptable for me to send another email to those people explaining the situation and urging them to learn from my mistake.  When I sent the second email an upper level manager perceived it inaccurately, thinking that I was just trying to cause trouble, and decided to terminate my employment.  Perception is reality.  Regardless of our true meaning, the way others perceive us is what they will believe.  Accurate perception will make interpersonal communication more effective.

          Another important factor that greatly affects interpersonal communication is listening.  When communicating with others we often become more focused on our response rather than listening to their message.  This can result in us actually missing the point they are trying to get across.  Careful listening will minimize confusion, maximize understanding, and it creates the perception of honest caring because you are willing to listen to what the other has to say.  These things are very important when trying to effectively communicate with others.  Being a good listener is not something that just happens, or that we are born with.  There are some basic listening skills such as paying attention, paraphrasing, and listening for feeling, that if practiced and used appropriately will aide in the communication process and give you a much better understanding of those with whom you are communicating. 

          Paying attention is often harder than it sounds.  There are constant distractions in our daily lives that make it difficult to give our full attention to the people we communicate with.  A married couple with children may find it difficult to talk about the needs and desires relative to the relationship if their children are constantly interrupting.  A wife may feel inferior if her husband would rather watch football than talk to her about the activities of her day.  Children may lack the confidence to talk about problems at school such as drugs, alcohol, or bad grades if their parents are too busy with work to pay full attention to them when they need it.  Picking the right time to discuss certain things, turning off the television, and not bringing work home are ways to help focus our full attention on those who need it.  Making eye contact with the person, using verbal gestures such as “uh huh” and “I see”, and physical gestures like nodding or shaking ones head will prove to the speaker that you are truly interested in what they are saying.  This will help you to become a better listener and solidify the relationship you have with the people you communicate with. 

          Paraphrasing is putting what we hear others say into our own words.  As listeners we do not always understand the speaker’s true meaning in the words we hear them say.  Paraphrasing allows us to explain back to them the message we heard, and gives them the opportunity to rephrase their message to clarify the meaning.  Grade school students often perform an experiment where the entire class sits in a circle and one person whispers something to the student next to them.  They are told to pass it on to the next student, and so on around the circle.  The experiment typically shows that by the time the message gets back around to the original student it is somewhat skewed, or completely different than the original message.  Each student understood the message in their own way and passed it along without ensuring their complete understanding of the message.  While it is often difficult to do, or seems weird doing it all the time, paraphrasing will help ensure the correct message is communicated.  Misunderstandings will still occur, but good listeners use paraphrasing to minimize those occurrences.

          Listening for feeling builds on the same concept as paraphrasing except that rather than ensuring just the proper message is heard the listener also lets the person know what feelings are being heard in the words.  By listening for feeling we can better understand the emotions of the person and clarify the feelings behind the message, such as whether they are upset or angry about the situation they are describing.  Understanding their feelings will help determine our reactions to the situation and ensure that we react appropriately. 

          Reflecting back on my termination from work, I could have used some of these listening skills to gain a better understanding of how to handle the situation.  I could have paraphrased my boss’ instructions on the freedom I had to discuss the situation with others, making sure I understood what my freedom was and better defining my options for reacting to the situation.  That would have helped ensure that I handled the situation properly and not been looked upon poorly by the upper level manager.  The listening skills that were discussed should be practiced by everyone because good listening is the cornerstone for gaining the understanding of others, and it will help increase the effectiveness of interpersonal communication.

          Another way to increase the effectiveness of interpersonal communication is by disclosing yourself to the people with which you are communicating.  Self-disclosure impacts each relationship we have differently.  While it can be very beneficial to disclose things about ourselves to others, we must handle it very delicately.  One must be aware of which qualities are appropriate to disclose depending on the situation.  It is possible to disclose too much about oneself, or to disclose too little.  Understanding who you are and accepting yourself are necessary for self-disclosure to be possible.  You must also be willing to trust that information to those with whom you are communicating. 

          Being open and honest with one another tends to be the backbone of intimate relationships.  The ability and desire to share your deepest feelings with another person helps the relationship grow and strengthen.  The same goes for other types of relationships we encounter in society.  The willingness to disclose things about ourselves and our feelings about situations help others to gain an understanding of who we are.  It allows us to identify similar interests, common goals, and activities we can share with one another.  Through self-disclosure I found that I can talk with several classmates about golf, and with others about the military, and others still about Tinker Air Force Base.  The common ground we have established has improved the quality of the relationships I have with each of these people.  It is important to remember however, that the things you disclose should be appropriate for the relationship you have with that person.  For instance, it may be appropriate to disclose your family medical history to your doctor when being treated for high blood pressure, but not disclose it to a co-worker who has no  interest in your complete family history. 

          The term “too much information” or T.M.I. may sound familiar.  It is used when a person is indicating they do not have a need to know the information being disclosed to them.  There is a commercial on television for an internet provider in which a man is sitting with his wife and continues to tell the internet customer service representative details about himself that are irrelevant to their situation, one such detail is that he sleeps with a night light.  The commercial relates the excess of information to the security features found when using their service.  It is similar to possessing a national security clearance in which information is broken down into categories and shared on a “need to know” basis.  You must determine whether a person has a need to know the details you want to disclose before disclosing them.  In some cases disclosing too much information can be detrimental to the relationship you have with that person, just as disclosing the wrong information to the wrong person can be detrimental to our national security.  Self-disclosure, if used appropriately, can greatly increase the effectiveness of interpersonal communication with others, and help to build stronger relationships in the process.

          Relationships are built when we communicate interpersonally with other people.  In our lifetime we will develop several different types of relationships such as friend and family relationships, personal and intimate relationships, and work relationships.  Each relationship relies on our ability to determine the necessities of each and to provide those necessities to the relationship.  Family relationships develop at an early age and play a huge role in the development of personality traits that will carry into adulthood.  Family relationships tend to shape people into what and who they will become.  Typically, the early relationships we have with family and friends will determine how we act in family, personal, intimate, and work relationships later in life.  It is said that a child who suffers from abuse will grow up to abuse his/her own children.  It takes a conscious effort to overcome those characteristics, learning from the mistakes we saw family members make, and changing the way we handle similar relationships in the future.  We can not change the way that we are raised, or how we are treated by other people, but we can determine how those things will affect the development of our future relationships.  Relationships, like buildings, have many different shapes, sizes, purposes, and characteristics.  They can be for simple purposes, such as the relationship created when we negotiate with a cab driver for the cost of a fair, lasting only the length of the ride, or they can be complex, such as the relationship developed through courtship and marriage, lasting an entire lifetime.  The relationships that develop rely heavily on the effectiveness of our interpersonal communication with those people.  Simply put, relationships are what we make them.

          As I become more in tune with my interpersonal communication abilities I am learning how the relationships I had with my family, friends, and others has shaped me into the person I am today.  When I look back on my childhood, I could always talk with my parents about any problems I had, and I can see how those things affect the relationship I have with my children today. The friends I had were genuinely good kids who had good families of their own and did not do drugs.  Therefore it was okay to be well behaved and not try drugs.  Those things determine the people I chose to have as friends now.  I can also see how some of my own communication failures have led me down the particular paths I have traveled.  I can see how it was my inability to effectively communicate during my reprimand meeting that led to my termination from work.  I can positively identify mistakes that I made and failures in communication which helped lead to my divorce.  I always considered myself a good listener, but I have found that my listening abilities have been overshadowed by my desire to offer advice to fix the symptoms, not fully understand the reason behind them.  I am very good at effectively communicating my thoughts and feelings.  I am assertive and believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to.  Continued practice of the listening skills I have learned will make me a much better communicator, and will in turn strengthen the relationships I have developed and also give me a solid foundation for building new relationships in the future. 

          The factors I have discussed are the building blocks for effective interpersonal communication, and just like bricks and mortar, they must be put together in such a way to make the relationships we develop secure.  The perception of others and our perception of them lay the foundation on which relationships will be built.  If thoughts and feelings are accurately perceived it will create a solid foundation on which to build the relationship.  Proper listening will increase understanding and demonstrate caring and concern, thus building the framework for the relationship to be built around.  Continued self-disclosure determines common points of interest, creating a means for understanding each other and building trust in one another.  By understanding how perception, listening, and self-disclosure affect interpersonal communication we can apply the knowledge to the relationships we build, making us all more effective communicators.