It’s not always your business: comforting a friend without being nosy

You don't have to be a busibody to want to know what's wrong in a friend's time of need. If you didn't care they wouldn't be your friend. But caring and being a friend alone does not make it your business to know what's wrong. It is one of the hardest things to see a friend upset and not know why. As caring and curious as you are, though, hold back! The situation might be nothing like what you expect, worse, better, something you really don't want to hear, you never know. There are many ways to help a friend out without sitting them down to tell you every detail, and you may be a lot more help by letting them come to you if they want to talk instead.

You don’t have to ask what’s up to let your friend know you’re a shoulder to lean on. Whenever I notice one of my friends seeming a little down, I’ll generally go to them, give a smile, maybe a squeeze of the hand, pat on the back, or a hug. Maybe if they’re the type that needs more permission than that I’ll say something like “if you want to talk, come find me, but I’m not asking if its not my place to know,” but nothing more. I’ve given my signal that “I’m here if you need me.” It’s up to them to follow that up if they want more from me. Maybe they’ll pour their heart out, maybe they’ll sob on my shoulder, maybe they’ll give a weak smile and turn away. It all depends on the specific person and situation.

This sort of goes with my last point but it’s important enough to mention separately. There are many different ways to do this, and it all depends on the person. One of the most important things when dealing with an upset friend is remind them that they’re not alone, they’re loved, and you’re there if they need you. Bake them cookies, send them a cute or funny picture on the internet, make a funny face. The world is not all doom and gloom, and you’re in a position to remind your friend of that. Laughter is the best medicine. Just remember that whatever they’re going through could be tough, and if you do find out any details of the situation keep them in mind so as not to hit a nerve.

This is probably one of the hardest things to do when your friend is noticeably troubled. Once you've let them know you're there for them, aside from the occasional cheer-up giggle, let them have their space. They may really just want to be alone with their thoughts right now. If you've done your job when they need you they'll come to you. And don't be offended if they go to another friend to pour their heart out and not you. There could be a dozen reasons why they chose that other friend and it doesn't mean they care about or value you any less.

Obviously if things seem to be bad enough you may have to take some other action. This hub is not referring to people who may be clinically depressed or in danger of hurting themselves or others. If you truly are worried about your friend for any of these reasons help them get the help they need.