My owner took me to the park in Wilsonville on Saturday. At first, i really didn't want to go so i tried the "four paws on the side of the truck" trick but she got me loaded up in the back seat anyways.... i was so mad i pulled the "upholstery upchuck" move that Auggie the Wonderdoggie taught me thinkin' that would get me outta there, but NO....still had to go.

Of course, it was hotter than a steel water bowl at a summer tailgate party that day but it was ok once we got there. Man, i've never seen such a huge poo-field!! There were shadypoo spots, and sunnypoo spots, and even windypoo spots... and i tried them ALLL.. (bwahahahbark)..

And i made a couple of new friends.. Zeus and Oden.. my kinda guys.. we had a great barkasation about some of the names The People are giving their canine companions... like Crouton, for example....i mean, what the french, toast? Are you just opening the kitchen food box or the cold stuff thingy and naming your dog after the first thing you see?.. i know back in the day, we thought "Stinky" was embarrassing, but sheesh... how do you think ol' Crouton feels when you call him home at nite? "Here, Crouton... you dried up chunk of old bread, you!"....

Ah, but i digress... i really started this blog so that i could share some of the things i've learned, now that i'm 9, fat and toothless....

1. Stay away from little girls, even if you have to hide....i know it sounds harsh, but it's for your own good. They like to put clothes on dogs.. and blankets, too. they put you in their laps and won't let you leave when you want to... they hug you waaay too hard... one of 'em even tried to put JEWELRY on my neck! HELLO, BOY DOG HERE! And they can be very tricky with the treats so watch out! They will try to make you DO something...like roll over, or (even worse) dance....

2. Big dogs sometimes come in little dog bodies.... like me, for example... i'm only about 15 pounds soaking wet and i stand about 12 inches tall, but my BARK... lemme tellya somethin'... my bark gets EVERYone's attention!

3. Never let your owner figure out how you are getting out of the yard.... this is one that takes strength and will power... when those unauthorized walkers and bikers come down my street, it's hard not to give yourself away so here's a tip... makes sure you have TWO escape routes... one they know about and one they don't.... when you just can't stay "in-yard" and The People are watching, use the one they know about. I have found, tho, that a backward glance as you are running away only serves to further anger them... try to refrain from giving them that "seeicangetoutwheneveriwantlook"....

4. Always keep several good hiding places ready for bones and other food treats. At my house, The People are very fair about giving equal treats to all three of us dogs. This makes me really mad, cuz that little yorkiebrat is like half the size of me and a third of the size of Auggie.. why should we have to share treats with HER!.. one of my favorite hiding places for bones is in the laundry basket. The People only seem to check in there on the days they stay home all day, so it works pretty good.

5. If you have to poo inside cuz The People won't wake up, make sure you poo right in front of the doorway where the bed is. I've noticed that The People wake up much faster when you take this action. And they let you out right away!

**********update*****************

I hope you all have been practicing the aforementioned tricks and that your lives have greatly improved... As Spring approaches us here in Portland OR, there will be new opportunities to utilize these and other skills....

Now we should bark briefly about squirrels, don't you think, and some barking techniques I employ to irk them... many of My People think I sound like an old lady barfly... I'm not sure what that is, but if it flies, I'm gonna chase it.... I am trying out a more throaty bark technique I developed while standing in front of 18-wheelers on my street.... It's funny, tho- the squirrels just keep dancin' and laughin' even when I know I'm scary....(the 18 wheeler stopped til i moved out of the way, so i must be scary right?) so, any input my fellow barkers might have regarding the takedown of squirrels, I could use some help.

Did i mention that My People shaved my hair and it never grew back?