Have you seen that $4 list at WalMart? There are a lot of drugs on there. Yeah...but not the ones that we really, really need.

Abilify.

My son needs Abilify.

To make a very long story short, we were approved for the patient assistance program at Bristol-Myers and will be receiving Abilify now from the drug company. Thank God for that. We have at least 6 months of relief. This drug alone was around $700 per month for our son, but he needs it.

Many of my drugs...just too much money for me to maintain them. Many of my doctors, the same. I'm now faced with changing doctors because doctors don't want to change drugs because I've been fine on what's working and they don't want to go cheap...but I have to. So now I'm throwing out everyone who's expecting me to maintain expensive drugs that I just can't maintain. For example, I've been on Topamax for several years as a control for migraines, but now I cannot afford it. The financial guidelines for that company's patient assistance program are not as kind as Bristol-Myers, we don't meet the qualifications. I cannot afford to continue purchasing Topamax, it costs too much per month. Imitrex - too much. Same thing, can't get on the patient assistance plan, we make too much money. And there are other drugs, the same thing. Thank God my psychiatrist, who treats my ADHD, easily provided me with a substitute for my expensive ADHD drug. Never a problem with him.

My neighbor, a lovely woman who works at a local drug store, she came over and didn't expect to be hit with me crying and upset the other day - poor thing, she'd just gotten married and was about to leave on her honeymoon! There I was crying my eyes out about all of this nonsense. I'd spent the day filling out paperwork for my son for the drug company and applying to MassHealth. She said, just keep on applying, if they reject you apply again and again and again. Also she suggested some housing assistance resources, but all of them turned to nothing - we make too much. We're rich! Rich, I tell you!

But what these people don't know or care about is that my son needs occupational therapy twice a week and isn't getting it because we can't afford it. And what they don't know or care about is that he's got special issues and he's so fragile right now...and that he needs to see a psychologist weekly to deal with his issues to keep him stable and take the Abilify. And they don't know or care that last year my husband nearly died from heart failure and went through Hodgkins Lymphoma, survived that, only to learn he has a thing inside his belly that's growing up around his esophagus and now we have to watch that to see if and when that's going to cause trouble for him...and so it never ends...and they don't know his kidneys are being monitored for renal failure...

Nor do they know I am taking methotrexate daily and still can't walk because some sort of arthritis or perhaps fibromyalgia is taking me over, and while I know i'm overweight I was going to get bariatric surgery to relieve my joints a bit, since I can't do much in the way of exercise - and this was what all of the doctors thought would be best even though I hated the idea but I need to get my life back on track so I said OK let's do it - but then I lost my job and now I can't very well go and get bariatric surgery and collect unemployment. I could, but that would be fraud, and damn the whole thing to hell, I'm honest.

AND I HATE THAT ABOUT MYSELF!

Every single time I see or hear about someone getting away with some cheat I think "I wish I could do that!" But I can't do that. I don't have it in me to cheat! I never did! I don't like ripping people off, taking advantage of people, and I damn sure hate seeing it happen to people and that is why my college major is Accounting with a concentration in Auditing/Forensic Accountancy: with any luck I'll be a fraud investigator, not a typical CPA.

So our family is trying very, very hard to get through our financial crisis as honestly as we can, and we have been very honest and up front, and we're paying every bill and being good.

But we are asking the doctors to please try to stick to that WalMart $4 list - for us anyway.

I want my husband to be around a long, long time. I want to be around a long, long time. I have a feeling I'll lose weight from starvation before I can ever get to that bariatric surgery...oh we're eating, but...I'm really starting to resent needing to eat, it just costs too much to eat.