KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY

Relationships can be a gamble. When you rush into a commitment, you never know what you are getting into until you are too far into it to back out without causing pain for yourself or someone else. You also open yourself up to all sorts of possibilities like STD's, an alcohol or drug-addicted partner, complete incompatibility and even life-threatening situations, etc.

Looking back over a failed relationship, we usually beat ourselves up over things we should have done, red flags we missed somehow (it's easy to ignore these when we are infatuated), and things we wish we hadn't said or done. By this time, the only thing we can really do is apologize for our part in it and move on. If someone you are in a relationship with is hitting you, it is easy to tell that you are being abused. If this happens, walk away the FIRST time. Don't wait around to see if it happens again, no matter what they promise.

Emotional abuse is much harder to distinguish but can be just as devastating. Probably the hardest part is knowing when to try to work it out and when to walk away (or RUN), because there is no physical abuse. And if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they most likely will remind you repeatedly how wonderful they are and how lucky you are that they don't beat you like other terrible people they know of in other relationships. How lucky we are that narcissism is finally becoming more commonly recognized in today's relationships. There are a multitude of websites and books relating to this subject.

This is the partner who is absent emotionally from the relationship. This is the partner who is always leading you to feel that you always have to be the guilty party in all arguments. They have an uncanny knack for making you feel insecure about your every move (which they tend to want to monitor), and they try to make you see that they know best. They want you to feel that you should always ask permission to make the next move, in case they don't approve of some free-will movement you might have planned to exert. This is the partner who makes promises and then lets you down (unless they promise revenge, of course. They are also very spiteful).

This is the partner who lets you do all of the housework or child-rearing while they sit around lounging. Then, when you have a visitor who is not part of their entourage already, they spring into action and help you until they are noticed for doing so. Once satisfied they have been sufficiently noticed, they go back to lounging and turn into a social butterfly. They also, later on, immortalize their grandiose memories of that minor thing they did to help you, and they feel put off and express disgust when you only remember and admit to what actually happened. Their memories of events are slanted towards them, as is everything else in their world, which revolves around them.

It is very easy to be taken in by these people, who morph into whatever they sense you would fall in love with just long enough to trap you. When you get involved with a narcissistic partner, they convince you through charm and false promises (although YOU are never permitted to give false promises whereby YOU dash THEIR precious dreams...) that if only you would make a quick yet sincere commitment to their cause and be part of a team with them (ahem, part of their "entourage"), your life would be perfect. What you end up finding out is that these people have no sense really, and they don't understand that other people have boundaries. When you try to tell them that you actually do have some boundaries, they either walk away, leaving you to feel like you mean nothing to them, or they lash out in rage at your refusal to think the way they want you to. Your feelings and needs don't really matter to them. For example, they may keep you up all night with no thought to the absolute reality that you have to get up and go to work in the morning. No thought for your well-being or worry about the possibility that you may fall asleep at the wheel after staying up all night to satisfy their whim.

You don't realize until they have you hooked, waiting for the perfect partner you thought you'd found to return from anger and usually the emotional roller coaster of alcoholism or drug addiction (after all their hard work, they feel ENTITLED to that "couple of beers at the end of the day," no matter how averse you are to the belligerent abuse you suffer when they are in their drunken stupor), that this person is not really capable of loving anyone. Sometimes people waste years out of their lives on these people who expect to be catered to and babied while returning nothing. Their behavior is almost infantile and at times explosive.

These types of relationships can surface not only in romantic situations, but on the job and even within families and friendships. That friend who is always name-dropping and showing off the expensive items purchased on the latest luxury vacation making you feel like a frumpy housewife? Most likely a narcissist. That boss who micromanages you and is always taking credit for your accomplishments? Most likely a narcissist. That family member who is always running off on vacation and dumping their kids on you, only to return and brag about the wonderful time they had while not even acknowledging what you did for them? Hmmm...possibly a narcissist. What you may not know is that under that "perfect" exterior lies an extremely unhappy and insecure person. But that doesn't mean you have to buy into what they are selling.

A relationship that is healthy involves two healthy individuals. In an ideal situation, the two people have a give-and-take between them, not simply where one person is always the giver or the taker. The discovery of finding yourself in a relationship with a narcissistic individual leads to pent up resentment and depression on the part of you as the giver, which leads to explosive arguments that are extremely one-sided as well as health problems due to stress and unreleased anger. Go ahead and search for websites about the effects of stress on the body. They're out there for you to read for a reason.

The person who is being treated as if their needs don't matter (the giver) usually turns into a shrieking freak and appears to be the aggressive partner, when really they are just finally standing up for themselves, trying to get what they truly deserve out of the relationship: a caring partner. They will not find this in a narcissistic marriage. Ever.

The narcissistic partner has a belief, usually instilled in them by a self-protective reaction to extreme emotional abuse or even by doting and well-meaning parents who cater to their every whim, that they are entitled to special treatment. They don't do much of anything in return for this special treatment, either. They may drop a bone here and there to "keep the pack quiet," but they don't bring any real sustenance to the table in the relationship. This can be frustrating to extremes for the person who has been giving heart, soul and bank account. Then the partner whose needs are not being met explodes or has a mental or physical breakdown. Somehow the narcissist usually comes out smelling like a rose (to outsiders) because it usually turns out to be the giver who is the one publicly acting out and ranting.

The narcissist is smart enough to badger you into their way of thinking and wear you down behind closed doors. And don't bother trying to talk to their parents about them. It is usually those same parents that created this monster, if you remember correctly...AND the narcissist will never change, so you are spinning your wheels. The parents can't change their little monster, and some of them see no reason for a change. Little Junior is just golden, glowing and wonderful, and how DARE you intrude on their delusion of his grandeur!!!! The partner of the narcissist naively hangs onto the hope that the narcissist will suddenly realize how they have been treating this person who loves them dearly and change. THE NARCISSIST WILL NEVER CHANGE.

There IS one possible exception to this rule: Most teenagers are narcissistic and grow out of it, usually after their first major heartbreak, which brings them down a notch or two. Adult narcissists are not going to change. Ever. Get used to it. You can accept the situation for what it is and remain in your current position, or you can walk away. Don't get me wrong, they can be programmed to do mechanical things, such as washing dishes, but they will only do it briefly, or that will be the only contribution they make to the relationship. And they will act cheated if you do not give them grand kudos for this minor contribution. Any minimal contribution, in the eyes of a narcissist, is their 50% contribution to household chores. So basically, there will never be an equitable distribution of labor with this one.

In leaving a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to realize that this person does not have a normal self-reflection on the history of the relationship. If you get an apology at all, it is more of an all-encompassing apology like, "I am sorry for everything I ever did wrong." Because they really don't know or care what they did to lose you, they just want you back so that you will continue to provide them with their narcissistic supply of applause or approval (or even the negative view of you that they cause in others which makes them look all-the-more glowing and wonderful in contrast).

They always have to save face and be the one glowing in their own self-righteousness. They don't want you to leave them, because it makes them look bad. They want to be the ones to walk away. If you try to discuss the relationship with them after you leave, they will only twist things around and somehow convince you that all of the problems in the relationship were somehow your fault. And from the verbal and emotional abuse you probably suffered, you might even believe them and try it again. They will most likely morph back into the ideal partner you fell in love with temporarily and convince you that you were wrong to think that they could have had any malintentions. Somehow it will all end up being your fault. You will feel guilty, you will apologize, and you will jump right back into that frying pan. More than once, usually. Alternatively, they may leave you, if you are not a good enough narcissistic supply. Think of this as a blessing. And if you leave them and refuse to give in to their tactics, they will also begin to ignore you. This may be done right in front of your children, who will most likely pretend not to notice, or worse, try to patch things up between you. All you can do is be the nice one. That is all your children need to see to know the score.

The decision boils down to this: You can either decide to stay in the relationship with the narcissistic partner who will never love you and give with a whole heart, or you can walk away and still have a dream that someday you will meet a person that will bring as much to the table as you do. If you are trapped with a narcissistic partner, that can never happen. Once you walk away, don't look back. This person will even try to implant memories that don't exist if you listen to them long enough. It happens so subtly that it is very difficult to recognize.

And DO NOT stay "for the children." It is by far more detrimental to the children to see their parents fighting all the time than it is for them to have one healthy parent. If you are lucky, you can maintain a "friendly" relationship with your narcissist, if you remember that they are really more of a porcupine than a friend. It is important to your children that both parents be seen in a favorable light, so do your best to only speak of the atrocities you suffered when little ears are not around to hear (and replay to your narcissist later).

The one thing I have learned about narcissists is that they can only morph temporarily. Although they can be hard to weed out from the general population, if you wait long enough before making a commitment (90 days at LEAST would be my guess, and give a second chance, but NOT a third), you may be able to see any red flags that may be waving. Some of the red flags you might see are the person asking you for money, promising to repay you, and then the repayment is not forthcoming.

The narcissist usually needs a priority shift where money is concerned. He or she will spend large amounts of money to impress, such as throwing lavish parties or making extreme efforts to be noticed for accomplishments or starting holiday traditions (which they ruin for you by making it all seem too calculated. Every trip has to be packed for all night the previous night. One preparation out of place may send them on tangents of spastic yelling). They also spend large amounts of money on things geared to impress and give little thought to the household bills or for other family-centered necessities.

I have known a narcissist who would pay for magazine subscriptions while his phone was getting turned off for nonpayment. Although his business made a lot of money, he would always claim to be broke when anyone asked him for money. Yet somehow, he always managed to adorn his life with what he could sneak in without his wife noticing, such as video games. He also received a large sum of money and deposited it into his bank account without telling her. It wasn't until she stumbled across the large deposit on his old bank statement that the subject was ever breached. Once discovered, he went on the rampage.

Another time, he had posted an ad on a matchmaking website of questionable content. Pictures of scantily clad (or just plain UNDRESSED) women in various positions would arrive in the email he had insisted they share. One day, she opened one of the emails and sent in a request for the handle (user ID) and the password as if she were him. After all, she was receiving the emails, too. She found the entire profile and copied it before deleting it. Once confronted, he denied everything, claiming it had been something he had signed up for before the marriage. However, the date on the profile was one year after the marriage. After a week of denial, he finally admitted it and blamed her for being so distant and unavailable. She believed him and relented, although she remained secretly angry within.

[This partner may have no qualms about cheating on you. Of course, they will never admit it. You may notice little things that you cannot prove. You have to be a Columbo in your own right to find out the truth. The biggest clue is when they start accusing you of being unfaithful. Ten minutes too long at the grocery store may warrant a barrage of phone calls and accusations toward you, in their eyes. When you start feeling like you are being smothered and suffocated because of their constant accusations, start being more aware of the little clues around you. It is most likely a simple case of "the pot calling the kettle black."]

When he was confronted about the irresponsible way he conducted his financial affairs, he would recoil and site that it wasn't his fault. The fault was always that of customers who wouldn't pay, employees who would steal from him, or the lack of a full-time (albeit unpaid) bookkeeper (AKA wife) to let him know who owed him money, so that he could go and collect it.

On Christmas Eve most years, he would sleep while she wrapped presents. When she demanded he help, he was belligerent, so she would eventually stop asking him and wrap them all herself. The presents that were wrapped and found under the tree by the children in the morning were the ones that she had bought with her hard-earned money. It wasn't much, but it was enough to show she cared. Then on Christmas morning, the kids would wake up and run to the tree. He would then wake up and go into another room to wrap his gifts and then bring them in. They were always more lavish than hers, and the children obviously liked them better and knew that they were from him, not her. Her presents to him were never good enough, and his presents to her were always minimal.

When his wife left him, he blackmailed her into signing a paper that she would accept a minimal amount of child support, and he refused to give her a penny in child support until she signed the paper. Little did he care if his children had enough to survive, he only cared for his own agenda. He was most likely hoping that she would be trapped financially and come crawling back to him. The wife was simply doing what she could to secure funds of any amount at the time the paper was signed. Any exit was agreeable at that point, as she had had enough. By the time she left him, she was done with the relationship and had no desire to return to it, no matter how appealing he seemed from afar. Eventually, that appeal will fade.

There are also narcissists who are highly successful and like to keep their mates trapped financially. They may prevent you from working so that you are dependent on them financially and cannot escape. They may prevent you through emotional abuse from talking to friends and family who care about you and try to prevent the relationship because they see things that disturb them about the way you are being treated. To avoid conflict, you may comply. Ironically, it is these same people who may aide you years later in your escape, if you are smart enough to reopen communications secretly and let the thought be known that you need an escape route.

Be careful to plan your escape wisely. Research narcissism in its entirety in libraries, on the internet, etc. Mention the possibly to your counselor. If the literature you read about narcissism fits your partner, and you know that this is undoubtedly what you are dealing with, make sure that the person who is providing you with counseling is working on this issue. If not, they are not helping you. Narcissists usually don't want to go to counseling, because they know they don't have anything wrong with them. It's all you, remember? Don't bother confronting them anymore. And don't get suckered into "family counseling."

Most family counselors are not aware of narcissism in more than a vague sense, and will most likely become an unwitting member of the narcissist's entourage. After all, he is the one who is able to control himself. YOU are the unstable one in this setting, as you express your disgust at the situation you have been living through. Only go to counselors who have experience with narcissism and possibly anger management.

If the narcissist insults you, respond with, "You might be right about that," or "I'm sorry you feel that way." Stop arguing. Don't confront them with anything anymore. Don't bother showing them this article, either. They have no accurate self-reflection. Somehow they will try to convince you that this article does not apply to them. Walk away from arguments. Better yet, just walk away.

Make an escape plan with the local women's shelter. Don't make a big deal to the narcissist about what he or she is doing wrong. They really don't care. They don't care about you, either. They have one single focus in their life, and you only get one guess what that really is. You got it, themselves. Maybe now you should remember that you count, too! Check out this website, too, for more information: http://survivinganarcissist.com/?hop=panet. You can also check out my blog at narcissismblitz.com.

I feel the need to add this disclaimer: Narcissism is not gender-specfic, as there are narcissists of both genders. I have tried to remain gender neutral, for the most part, in this article. Furthermore, everyone has some narcissistic tendencies. It becomes a disorder when it kind of spills over and interferes with having normal relationships and genuinely caring about others. It isn't enough to give just enough love to keep them hanging on. You have to give with your whole heart, sometimes just for the sake of giving.