Keep the Good From a Bad Relationship

It. Is. Ovah. You never want to see him or her again. Right now, you're doing a pretty good job of purging every trace, every memory of this blown up, all gone, over relationship from your life. Mementos and gifts go in the trash. Pictures of the two of you have been cut in half - you'll keep the part with you in it, the rest will be burnt in the sink as soon as you find the book of matches from that restaurant the two of you always went to on special occasions.

And while you're at it, you'll burn the whole matchbook, too, and never darken the doorway of that place ever again!

Whoa. Hang on a minute.

It's not the restaurant's fault that the two of you broke up. Come to think of it, you kind of like the noir films you and your good-for-nothing ex-sweetie used to watch together. Maybe you should pull those out of the trash. Who knows, maybe someday you'll want to watch them again.

When a break-up is still raw, it's so easy to get rid of and/or avoid everything the two of you used to share. Believe me, I know - I've done it. But is it necessary? Is it even a good idea?

The answer is: no, not really. Let me show you.

The movie The Princess Bride came out while I was married to my battering ex second husband, and we went to see it in the theater at least twice. It quickly became one of my top five favorite movies of all time, and one of four movies that I can pretty much recite word for word as the actors speak their dialogue (The other three, if you're interested, are Young Frankenstein, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Grease.) (Hey, if you've read enough of my hubs, you already knew I was weird). Now, when we eventually broke up, I could have said, "I'll never watch that movie again." Which is stupid, because it's a good movie.

Now, let's fast forward to nearly fourteen years after we separated. I am happily married to my husband Alex, and am also two weeks shy of being nine months pregnant with my daughter. Because of some late pregnancy complications, we're supposed to head for the hospital later that afternoon. I manage to flip through the TV channels at just the right time, and catch the opening scene of, you guessed it, The Princess Bride. I spent the morning of the day my daughter was born watching one of my favorite movies. I can't wait until she's old enough to watch it with me - again.

But if I'd chosen to only dwell on the fact that I first saw that movie with my abusive ex, I wouldn't have this wonderful bonding moment with my daughter to look forward to.

Here's another example. I was in a long term relationship with a guy who, literally, would proposition every single breathing female he ever met (with the possible exception of my mother. I think.). And sometimes they'd say "yes." Needless to say, life with this guy was nothing but a series of lies, betrayals, and a constant dismissal of how I felt about him staying out all night with other women or, worse, bringing them home. He even hit on someone at a funeral once.

However, this guy also turned me on to the culinary joys of Thai and Indian food. Thanks to him, I love them. I'm mad for them. Now, I could have cut these yummy, innocent cuisines out of my life after he moved several hundred miles away and married one of his other "conquests," but why should I? Why should I deprive myself of food I love just because someone I don't like very much introduced me to them?

There had to have been good times, fun activities, and shared joys in your relationship, otherwise you wouldn't have dated in the first place - and you wouldn't be hurting so much now. It's understandable to not engage in the activities the two of you used to enjoy, at least for a while, as you heal. But don't cut things, experiences, activities you love out of your life just because your skuzzy ex used to do them with you. For one thing, depriving yourself won't hurt him or her at all - so the only person you're hurting is: you. Also, if you really, truly like something, even though it's something you wouldn't have known about if it weren't for your ex, isn't it a little silly to spend the rest of your life avoiding it?

Speaking of which, we had homemade tandoori chicken on Friday. It was good!