Before I even start I should say that everything I write comes from personal experience. I am speaking from my point of view and am not attempting to sway anyone into making an opinion. If you ever do decide to stop taking your meds please consult a doctor immediately.

The Skinny...............

I'm 30 and for as long as I can remember I have been on one form of anti depressant or another. Bu Spar, Welbutrin, Lexapro, Prozac and most recently Citalopram to name the ones I remember clearly enough.

About 2 years ago I asked my doctor to help me get off the pills and he doubled my prescription instead. So finally about a month ago I had a terrible experience where they didn't want to refill my script because of an insurance mix up. They said either pay the last co pay I supposedly owe or I don't get another refill. This is a family doctor who we have been going to since I was very young. Through the years I have noticed a change in health care, it's practices and the money hungry doctors who swim in these waters.

So after careful consideration I decided to stop taking the pills. After all it's been so long and I am such a different person now that how do I know I even need them anymore? I mean the goal is for me to get better right? Not just get hooked and pay for a legal drug for the rest of my life to cushion my doctors residual income. At least that's how I feel. I intend to take you through a few practices I found that helped me through the dark times.

as I sift through the thoughts I put to paper during the past to weeks I remember how bad each day was and am happy I captured some of the key moments to share them later. But take warning the thoughts contained are real and some are not pretty. Hopefully someone out there will gain some knowledge off of this and maybe get a few questions answered also. Hopefully I can shed some light on certain aspects of the detox so you won't go crazy thinking you are going to die. So without further ado here is what I took away from the experience. I kicked without medical supervision but would not recommend it to anyone. Tell your doctor your intentions. If they don't like it, fire them and get a new one. Make sure you come first not the money in your wallet.

Important things to remember while kicking anti depressants:

Number 1

You are not going to die. at certain moments you swear you will. Hell at times you will possibly think about ending the pain yourself but no matter how bad things seem you must press on and stare that demon in his nasty eyes and spit in his face.

What helped me the most is when the bottom was falling out I heard a voice that seemed to come from deep inside telling me to keep looking forward and not to give in.

If you find yourself thinking crazy thoughts. Stop, breathe and put yourself around people who you know will let you come to no harm. It will seem impossibly bleak at times. Remember.....stay the course.

Number 2

Vitamins help so get some. My daily vitamin intake is listed below. Taken once a day they help lift spirits, stop nausea and dizziness and help decrease "Brain Refreshes" (Think a computer screen refreshing it's picture) It's like that only in your head along with waves of electronic noise. It is torture plain and simple. Anyone who has been off their meds for a few days has probably felt slight brain refreshes. They get worse.

Vitamins I take to help with detox...........

Lecithin 1200 mg for brain refreshes

Super B-Complex for mood stabilizer and concentration

Fish Oil 1200 mg for brain refreshes - Can be harsh on the stomach and if I were you I would try not to burp!

Ginger Root for nausea. This also works wonders if you are pregnant and nauseous I hear.

Last but not least Vitamin E 400 IU because my wife hands it to me everyday. It works for something so don't miss it.

This Vita Cocktail helps withdraw symptoms but in no way takes it away.

Number 3

When you are kicking tell people. Don't be embarrassed. Trust me you are going to be nasty, cranky and sometimes just out and out vile. Explain what you are going through and prepare to apologize a lot. Kicking anti depressants is similar to kicking heroin and a bevy of other drugs. It's serious so let people know and try and realize that you are a bit off and will be for quite some time.

Number 4

It is very important to not make any major decisions while detoxing. Trust me you are not thinking straight. No matter how committed you are to saying "fuck it all" and moving to Kalamazoo to be a dirt farmer, when you come too you will regret it. When detoxing my brain seemed to automatically take avenues to fix what it and I was feeling. During this crazy time demented thoughts will pop up. Remember........Stay the course.

Quote Nietzsche over and over in your mind.

"Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger."

Say this and believe it. Take solace that this journey, no matter how dismal it may seem, will change you in someway. Learn from the change and use it to your advantage. Grow stronger and think of how proud you will be at the end. I'm a pessimist by nature but positive thinking will prove vital in certain situations.

Number 5

If you know you have real problems don't quite your meds. There is no reason to be in emotional turmoil your whole life. I myself was a feisty young chap and I guess they decided to tone me down a bit. So I asked myself "what's normal feel like?"

I didn't come up with the answer. To be honest normal is unattainable. Your version and someone else's version of normal could be as far apart on the spectrum as black and white. But for now let me get back to the grey area.

Number 6

Take caution in everything you do. You will be at your weakest for a while. If you don't have to go anywhere then don't. Driving while your head is spinning is not very fun believe it or not. Neither is getting back home safe and wondering..........."How the fuck did I get home safe?"

Please be careful.

The following are snippets of my 14 day journal. I am not completely clean as of yet but the worst of it has definitely passed. Yay me! Keep in mind some days I could hardly put pen to paper. Some sentences may be hard to understand but these are the events that ensued.

Day 1

Kicking anti depressants today. Tired of begging my doc for pills and worrying about not getting them in time. Plus I hate the bitch at the front desk. Fat lazy receptionist that holds the key to gain access to the actual professionals. Cave troll. But hey, I'm a people person so I won't wish complete death on her for deciding when and when I can't see the doctor, get a refill on time, etc. No side symptoms yet. Not that I was expecting any today. The last time I tried this I made it a week then the bottom fell out. Lost my hearing, thought I was gonna die........I think I decided to get back on them because the detox had me wanting to make the pain stop. I thought "Wow, I feel like this off of meds?" and I got right back on that equal tempered horse. This time I have vitamins, no job and a one way ticket to freedom and I ain't jumping off this wagon.

My wife has been terrific about this decision but she supports me no matter what. I feel bad already knowing the evil she will inevitably stumble across when I really start to detox. Also procured a bag of weed. (Not recommended) Marijuana is illegal in most places so don't risk anything. I just knew this would help me. Illegal or not "Grown from the Earth" is better than "Engineered in a lab."

Day 2

Nothing yet. Still waiting on the long road ahead. Again I'm jumping into the deep end without my swimmies. There is so much I would like to know so I can prepare but that isn't going to happen. I have to stay away from websites that say they will help. They all seem to want money. Some of them tell horror stories. It's enough to put anyone on edge.

Day 3

Okay I'm starting to feel the refresh. Nothing much else so far but I know tomorrow will be a bit rougher. Went out and bought a case of V-8 for nutrients. I will down one in the morning and one at night.

Day 4

Woke up with bad refreshes. Having trouble turning my head without wanting to puke or fall down. Dizziness is also starting and I can't tell but I am sure I am irritable.

Day 5

Getting worse but I expected this. Having trouble Thinking or holding a thought. Don't think I am going to drive after today for a while. I kept my mouth shut today but everything is annoying me. Even myself.

Day 6

Woke up fucking angry. OCD is in high gear today. adding numbers, letters, everything. Cursing like I have turrets. The demon wants out of me. Felt like I could kill someone. Why the fuck does everyone call me? Have I not told my entire family what I am going through. Do they not understand? At this point if I am going to continue to feel this bad I might as well not fucking be here. I piss everyone off, it would be better if i was not around. Wrote a note to my parents apologizing for nasty shit I said. I know I'm wrong but I don't give a shit at the moment. Don't want to write anymore.

Day 7

Today is as bad as yesterday except today it took me 4 hours to stand up. I have been dizzy all day. Cold sweats creeping up my spine. I have bad shakes and look like a crackhead. I am starting to grow a beard. Fuck it, I ain't shaving until I am clean. Then it will be like a new me. Yup I don't care how bad I look. I'm gonna grow it out and keep it filthy. Had to hide the remainder of my anti depressants. I want one so bad.

Day 8

Shaved the beard......................

Day 9

Still no improvement. It takes 3 to 4 hours just to get up in the morning. Takes me another hour to accept I am still fucking alive. I am so sick. I didn't think it could feel like this. I am deeply depressed and not wanting to do this anymore. getting visions of bright light flashing when I close my eyes. Scares me awake.Started thinking about hanging myself, cried a bit (which I never do) and kept on keeping on.

Side note: The fish oil makes me burp and that tastes like rotted fish. Also gives me the shits bad. World War 3's theatre of operations is truly in my stomach. The vitamin bottles laugh at me. Broke down to my family today. Let a lot of things out. Can't remember what I said. I love them. They should hate me.

Stop drinking soda Joe. All it does is complicate matters.

Day 10

I am staring to believe that this is how I will feel for life. If this is the case I don't want to see anymore. Started having weird thoughts. I started to devise a scheme to get back at the receptionist. She doesn't know how it feels to be chemically dependent so I figured I could go to nursing school. Get out in like 6 years. Get a job working in the same office. Dropping an anti depressant into her coffee everyday for a year or so, and then one day just stop dosing the coffee and see how she feels being dope sick and desperate. It hurts in all aspects. Life feels like it is crushing down on top of me. My mind still has some strength left though.....

Day 11

Feeling bad about things I said yesterday. I would never hurt another human being. What was I thinking? Losing reality more each minute. I did seem to get up a bit better today.

Day 12 Starting to feel better. Took only 2 hours to wake and rise today. Starting to think about money troubles and how I need another job fast. I don't know what I am going to do. Money is so tight and doesn't look to be getting any better.....only worse. Feeling more useless.

Day 12

Dizzy, but better. Stopped taking the fish oil but kept taking the rest. Becoming very introspective today. Could this be my path to enlightenment? Gotta keep my mind occupied or I'm sunk. Gotta keep running from that depression.

Day 13

Finally getting some relief. Still very cranky. Questions I had a few days ago about my life and certain events seem insane today. I guess I am finally getting some control back.

Day 14

Couldn't wait until today to let you know that,, although I am not through detoxing.....the worst is behind me. My mind is leveling out. I am glad I did not make any rash decisions. The road ahead seems a bit longer than I anticipated but everyday I see and feel progress. Starting to feel sane again. Or at least as sane as I have ever felt. Real problems have been put back into perspective. They may be huge but nothing worth ending my life over. I hope my friends and family understand. They have been super. I noticed they have been keeping quiet a lot so I believe they understand I am going through tough times. Amidst all the problems my Wife has been an Angel. Only re affirming my brilliant decision to ask for her hand in marriage..........and the luck I had when she agreed. I don't deserve someone so pure of heart.

So there it is. I know the journal was short and hard to read. It was all I could muster through the bad times. I hope everyone remains healthy and happy. I hope no one has to ever go through the crushing, horrific struggle that is drug addiction/detox. But if you have or are going through these things, understand you are not alone. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need anyone to listen to your story or to offer advice on situations. I am here.......and I am all ears.

For now stay safe, question everything and strive for enlightenment. You are the only one who can help get you through times of inner struggle. Believe in your inner voice and Stay the course!

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