Kids: A Little Less Love and a Little More Discipline
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Between entering my 30's and having a toddler, I've found myself saying 'what's wrong with kids today?' at an extremely early stage in life. This was a statement I hadn't heard since my grandpa used it when the neighbor kids took a shortcut through his lawn. But there is truly something wrong with many kids of recent generations and the title of this hub obviously eludes to the problem. However, a full explanation is in order.
HAPPINESS: Parents love their kids no more or no less than past generations, but how is this love being displayed? Love no longer equals time, especially quality time with one's children. Who has quality time anymore, right? Love is money, love is keeping kids constantly and instantaneously gratified and satisfied, never being bored, never knowing what it's like to miss something because it can be replaced (bought) quickly, and never wanting. Parents are constantly making their kids "happy"- using a dysfunctional definition of happiness.
Love does not mean your child will always be happy. Healthy and consistent discipline will not make your child happy at the moment, but long-term makes your child feel loved and cared for. The best lesson a parent can teach their children about love is there are ups and downs, elations and disappointments, and all the emotions in between.
GUILT: Parents today are busy and working overtime. I definitely don't think the solution lies in having one parent at home (great, but not realistic), but rather both parents not feeling guilty for having to work. The monster that guilt creates within parents causes them to feel and overwhelming need to make their kids happy- buy their kids happiness, forego the discipline, or keep their kids ultra busy- parents' guilt is what's wrong with today's kids.
BOUNDARIES: In addition to guilt, boundaries in all areas of one's life are not being set. With technology anyone can reach anyone any time. Parents are setting poor boundaries within their own life and kids are just practicing what's being modeled for them. Also, divorce forces parents to co-parent, and that's a tricky balancing act, usually with flimsy boundaries. Working overtime is also an example of non-existent boundaries. Even the boundaries between a parent and child have shifted recently- kids are running the parents or as Dr.Phil would say "The tail is wagging the dog".
A child can't articulate their boundaries well- they barely know what boundaries are unless you have a toddler (yours truly) because they are boundary experts. Somewhere around age 4 children lose their sense of boundaries in order to please their parents and others.They will tell their parents they 'want' to be invloved with four different sports and activities because they don't want to let down their parents. Parents must act as the adult and be their child's boundary setter or else they will end up with teens and asking 'why doesn't my teen respect me?'
DISCIPLINE: As you can guess, discipline has a lot to do with setting boundaries. Too much discipline and your child grows up to be the proverbial catholic girl gone wild. The best way to discpline is to take the time to give your child a choice between a right decision and a wrong decision. If they pick the wrong one, the parent must follow through with a disciplinary action. Too harsh of punishments don't benefit anyone, usually the parent ends up giving up or giving in.
Discipline evolves into self-discipline and when you give your child the gift of self-discipline, it benefits them in all areas of their life, and reflects the love of the parents. Less love is not really the answer, just displaying love through discipline and other ways besides chronic happiness seeking.
The Nanny Phenomena
If you've ever watched nanny shows (Nanny 911, Supernanny, etc.) you will notice the first order of business in a wreck of a home is discipline and boundaries. The children always hate the nanny at first and after the rules are set and changes in place, she leaves as the superhero with the kids giving her hugs and kisses.
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Comments
This Hub contains incredible wisdom and insight. Thank you so much for bringing this to light.
I grew up in a household where there were very few petty rules, but an awful lot of freedom available to express ourselves as indivduals. I know that boundaries were there, but we didn't perceive them as boundaries, more as guidance and support. I agree with Shamelabboush that there should be balance. We were never spoiled, and were always encouraged towards financial independence. Too many kids today are totally indulged by their parents to compensate for them being busy elsewhere. Mostly what kids need is a good relationship with their parents where they are led by example.
exactly Amanda Severn! I think as long as kids know boundaries are in place, it makes them feel secure and loved. You are right about parents being busy and compensating with indulgence. Sadly it's not only work that parents are busy with, they get home and busy themselves with other stuff as well and pacify their children with material and technical gadgets that distract them.
Thanks for comments
Balancing love and discipline is always a tough act for parents. But sharing day-to-day activities with kids, allowing them freedom within clearly set outer boudaries and consistently communicating the reasons behind your rules help the kids to bond with you.
There are many occassions when my 4 year old princess feels unhappy about a rule (only 2 cartoons on TV), but she knows the reasons behind it. After 3 weeks of talks between us, she now switches off the TV on her own after watching two cartoons.
Parents should not feel guilty about disciplining their kids on the right issues at the right time. In my opinion, it is a responsibility they share towards their kids as part of their parenthood journey.
organic thoughts~ First, you mentioned something extremely important-'communicating reasons behind the rules' (safety, etc).
You also gave a wonderful example (your 4 yr old)of how kids learn self-discipline by their parents disciplining them. Nobody said parenting is easy and that means disciplining is part of parenthood. Sometimes it's harder to take the kid out of the store and forego your trip, but it's necessary to follow through, and in the end shows you care. Balance with discipline is crucial too. You let your child watch cartoons, but put a limit on them so both of you have compromised in that discipline process- that's great!
I'm definitely not for authoritarian discipline styles- those can be as destructive as no discipline. And as you say, freedom is best with clear boundaries.
shamelabboush says:
5 months ago
It's the excessive love for our kids what spoils them! There should be balance as you mentioned here, there should be reward as well as punushment. This way, kids will feel somekind of responsibility.