Killing Them With Words: Relieve Stress, Feel Better
75Kill Them With words
Is stress mounting? Have you come dangerously close to snapping? Ever want to just smack someone? Well, let old B.T. tell you how a Jackalope deals with stress. I kill someone. Or, at least maim them badly. Don't get me wrong, here. I'm not talking about real violence. Jackalopes are peaceful, by nature.
I have come up with my own simple writing exercise, to deal with stress. It works like a charm, and nobody has to witness a tantrum, or worse. When things get a little too hot, and I can feel the pulse in my temples, I write a short piece about it. And it usually doesn't end well, for my would-be tormentor.
Usually, I make up a character. This way, I'm not taking out my rage on anyone specific. I have found that this eliiminates lingering bad feelings. But in the following example, I have used a familiar name. I sure hope this guy has a sense of humor. I don't really bear him any grudge.
I scribbled this out on my lunch break, on a particularly bad day at work. It is not intended to be a polished story, but it served its purpose.
The Prey
A Hunter's Demise
Ah yes. The number three breakfast special. Eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, toast, and a side of biscuits and gravy. Not the healthiest fare, but it was the Mighty Hunter's favorite. He gulped it greedily, completely unaware that it was to be his last meal. Using his toast (liberally buttered, of course) to mop up every last bit of gravy, his mind was elsewhere. Opening day had finally arrived, and he was mentally checking off items on his list.
Satisfied that he had packed all of the essentials, he went about the business of licking the last dribs of butter off his knife. Using his finger, he liberated what remnants of gravy remained on his plate. Not even the last smear of bacon grease went unclaimed. He was paying six bucks for this breakfast ($6.75, if you include the tip), and he intended to enjoy every last bit of it.
It was a slow day, and the waitress had no other customers. She had nothing to do but watch, and wait for him to be done. They danced this dance three times a week, and she had learned not to bring the bill during the grand finale. The grunting, and the sound of smacking lips as he licked the flatware, and finger-mopped his plate were more than she could bear.
As he inspected his work, making sure he had not missed a single morsel; the waitress choked back her nausea and brought the check. She put it on the table, and hazarded a glance at the beast. There was gravy matted in his beard, and egg on his shirt. "Redneck doggie bag", she thought, and had to stifle a giggle.
Looking at his watch, he hastily gulped his fourth cup of coffee, and tossed three quarters on the table. He paid on his way out, and paused to consider asking the waitress if she would care to go for drinks, later. He knew that would give her a thrill. He couldn't finish a single meal, without catching her staring at him. "Nah", he thought. "Bigger fish to fry, today."
A two hour drive to the woods, was more than enough time for breakfast to settle in, and all that coffee to do its work. He guided his truck into a gravel parking area at the edge of the woods. With a three mile hike through thick forest still ahead of him, he was relieved to see the familiar green hut, at the far end of the park. "Johnny on the spot!", he said. "Friend to hunters, everywhere!"
He nosed his truck in, about ten feet from the door. He pulled out his pack, and set it on the hood. Then, he leaned his rifle (More of a small cannon, really. A testament to his atrocious shooting skills) against the bumper.
He sat inside for twenty minutes. Listening to the buzzing flies, picturing the Jackalope that would soon be on the wall of his den, and doing, well, we all know what the green hut is for.
He emerged, feeling like a new man, but something felt very wrong. He looked around, but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Then it struck him. His rifle! Where was the cannon!?
From behind him came a metallic "Click", and a familiar voice. "Ahem. Looking for this, old friend?"
He turned, and to his horror, there was the Jackalope. Two Jackalopes, actually. His rifle was being steadied on the antlers of one of them. The other, was peering through the scope, with his paw on the trigger.
I Think You Get The Picture
I'll stop there, for now. I've left him alive, for the moment. I'll wait and see how things develop between us, from here. If he continues to harangue me with nasty comments and threats, I will have to revisit this story. But I think you get the gist of this whole exercise.
I have used this technique, for years, and it has served me well. I have lowered my blood pressure and overall stress level, and none of my victims are the wiser. Of course, once the venom is out, I usually delete everything. It's sort of symbolic, and it's a step you should not skip. If you don't delete the anger, then it remains there to dwell upon.
It also serves as practice for your writing skill (not that what I do requires skill). I know you're probably thinking I have a sick mind. I may need professional help. But give it a try, and see if it doesn't help. It does the trick, for me, and it's a whole lot cheaper than therapy.
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Comments
Just_Rodney -- Indeed! Many people I know in nigeria talk things out with extended family to a good conclusion and do not then need "therapy." :)
Slabs of Mighty Hunter with Redneck Gravy. We will add this to Gravy World Menues.
Omg LOL what a way to start my day...I so needed this today and may very well try it....but I may not be so kind in the ending...I love your way of expression my dear..and will watch for this 'Hunter' next time I venture out to a breakfast...there are a few around here...
Poor buddy of yours with that cannon resting on his Little horns...glad your didn't shoot...it may be a bit Loud with a kick too...G-Ma :o) hugs
I love it...keep these things coming. :)
Great hub and highly funny, well done, and shoot the varmint next time please. :)
Very amusing! It made me smile. I am pretty stressed out right now, and while I may try this, I can't really kill (or fictionally kill) what is stressing me out right now. But, it does give me an idea...
Your lunch must have given you indigestion.
Wow, thanks for the great comments! I thought this one might be a little dicey. In all seriousness, there was a time when anger was able to get the best of me. This has allowed me to channel it into a creative (and far less spiteful) outlet. For anyone that was disappointed that I didn't pull the trigger, I can only say that I toned it down a LOT for the hubbing audience. The sad truth is that I have been known to devise some grisly deaths that would probably even appall the great Stephen King. I may not be as talented as him, but my mind is equally twisted!
I think that sometimes the susnce of having him in your sites can be as delightfull as what the cannoncan do, leave it to the imagination.
Indeed, again! If one can break 1-2 bricks with a hand, one can simply laugh at thoughts of what one can do to a nemesis and go on with life. Cheers!
Hey, isn't killing someone or maiming them badly just transferring the stress? Well, maybe not if the kill is fast and to the point!
But maybe I should go out with a ballot and maim a (w)hole electorate. I guess that could relieve some stress.
I'm all for Slow Killing or Serious Maiming as a means of transferring stress. for some people it's still too sweet an end. I can think of several swine in our Inland Revenue Department who fall into that category. Let them have my slow agony and their' mongrel colleagues have my ulcers! (There, now, that feels better already.)
Good point, Patty. Maybe you should show me how to break bricks! I would never use such a skill for evil. Honest!
Old Firm, I feel your pain. The IRS is constantly hounding me. Maybe I should send Patty after them!
Budwood, you have obviously not read about my presidential campaign. What better way to get back at them, than by voting for me?
Personally, I would like to try this at some future date as a method of stress relief. It's appealing and as long as you delete the evide...err...therapy, what harm can it actually do.
PS - Stephen King is a god in my opinion...
Patty's a busy girl, a company of AC/DC eels and Tinkerbell the bear should be enough to sc--- them rigid!
Spryte, you could do a far better job than me. You are incredibly talented. While reading some of your hubs, I have often thought "Here is a Stephen King fan." He is, indeed, a god, and I think he has influenced your style. I love it!
(sorry, wrong number)
Bah BT...you flatter me. I come nowhere near the same lofty heights as the supreme deity that is Stephen King (did I mention I'm his greatest fan?). I predict that a hundred years from now he will be studied in great depth along with the likes of Hemingway, Melville and Twain.
And seriously...we have to talk!
Patty, so sorry I wasn't here to answer your call. I do hope you eventually got the correct number.
Spryte, I'm all ears! Drop me a line. Although, I'm over in The Territories, at the moment. My campaign manager seems to have left me in the lurch, so I'm over here looking for a replacement.
Oh Man , We don't have Jackalopes in Oz, but I would sure like a set of their antlers, so when you do do the deed I've got first dibs, OK.
btw :- Any one interested in buying a bridge?
I am busy making gravy and leaving messages on the wrong Hubs. It's this week-long power outage I had. Not readjusted yet Must be on Maritime time zone or some such...
Congratulations for this being one of the Top 10 Hubs on this Hub Mob subject today 9/22.5/2008!
B.T. I just can't stop laughing... I think you and your writing is what everyone needs for stress relief. You're a hoot.
I loved the hub
regards Zsuzsy
Dear BT,
thanks for the hub. I love anything that sounds violent but is not.
Patty, I trust you have your power back, by now. If not, you may want to consider retrieving some eels, from Old Firm!
Zsuzsy! You are too kind! The way the world is going at the moment, it seems that if I don't find something to laugh about, I may very well cry! With your kind encouragement, I am off to see what else I can poke fun at.
Benson, thanks for coming by. Isn't it great to meet new friends on Hubpages? Have a look around, there may be something else that tickles your fancy.
Ag, I suspect you may have missed the point of the story. The Jackalope is the victor, here! I don't plan on giving up these antlers any time soon, thank you very much! And you should be grateful there are no Jackalopes in Oz. We can be a handfull!
Very well written BT. I love the entertainment value of it also. Great supense with just a little humor. It has the makings of a great movie even.
Revenge of the Jackalopes, Mighty Hunter gets his Dues. Killing Him Softly with His Gun. May have to think of a great title for it.
Sounds like an Erle Stanley Gardner series gone awry - just my cup of tea. Thanks SirDent.
No matter what you write, I am still breathing down your neck BT! You cannot get rid of me that easily. Just when you think I am no longer around, I will show my face. I am your worst nightmare.
Mighty Hunter, actually my WORST nightmare involves a shaved moose, several jars of mayonnaise, and a cattle prod. And sometimes a latex mask. But since you refuse to play nice, I have finished my story. It ends pretty badly for you, and it may be too ugly to publish here.
Publish whatever you want. They're only words anyway.
They are only words, for the moment. By the way, have you looked under your bed, lately?
I found the rattlesnakes you put under my bed. In fact, I then built a cage around under my bed and have all your children trapped there.
Cool! I can afford a vacation, now!
And I can have as much Jackalope stew as I want, (with fresh cornbread)
I think Mighty Hunter Gravy is on the menu at Kingdom Hospital. A special cadre of eel electricians is generating power for the kitchen as we speak - er - write. KH will just have to become the property of Gravy world and BT Enterprises...THEY have pots big enough for the hunter...
I've been to Kingdom Hospital, Patty. Awesome gravy!
Ah, yes - I believe I noticed you there, long before we were formally introduced. Good times!
Believe it or not, Patty, Kingdom Hospital uses many Jackalope Enterprises products. I'm in there two or three times a week.
Damn, I'm always late the parties. But hey, I'm glad I found this eventually at least. Frankly, you're like the horned bugs bunny writing this, lol. You know, Anna Marie made the point that she couldn't kill anyone even in play, but you know, for the non-violent, you could just write in an accident, or even just an alien abduction with a particularly violent anal probe, even just a bad bout of the stomach flu.
Anyway, funny as usual. You need therapy, but you make me feel almost normal so that's always a welcome thing. (thumbs up)
Glad I could make you feel normal, Shadesbreath. I tried therapy, but the massage parlor was raided. So now I do this. What can I say?
Nice plot twist (at least I thought so). When the hunter exits the green hut and turns around and sees not one, but TWO foes hoisting his cannon against him -- I honestly expected one of them to be the WAITRESS!
I think she had a pretty solid motive. He gypped her on the tip (12.5%) and didn't even ask her out for drinks after all. Man, that's harsh! A steady 3x-a-week diet of this and I'd be spitting bullets, wrestling with that jackalope for the right to pull the trigger, I tell ya!
I am not gravy yet Patty. No one can catch me. BT thinks the gun is loaded, but I never load my gun until I am ready to go out into the woods hunting.
No one can catch the Mighty Hunter? Strewth, isn't that like leading the charge that took us to the rear? What on earth are you hunting, - hiding places?
Great idea B.T. I think I inadvertently used the technique today...and already I'm feeling better!
It works for me, every time. This one feels unresolved, though. I may have to finish the story on my blog.
another great hub from you B.T. you never disappoint.
Thank you! I does what I can to relieve stress.
Just_Rodney says:
15 months ago
Well writing, be it either good or bad, is therapy so they say. If it works it works.
I have often wondered who the THEY are, after watching too much daytime chat shows I have discovered this, they have a title, and single syllable names! they are more often refered to as therapists. Analyse this THE RAPIST.
Love your hub.