Knowing Your Mind
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The Joy Luck Club
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When a Man Loves a Woman / The Joy Luck Club
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Eat Drink Man Woman
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Charlie Rose with Elie Wiesel; Amy Tan (November 9, 1995)
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When you get to a certain age as a woman who has been teased and ridiculed severely as a child it is time to realize you can speak up and have a voice too. When I was younger I was often teased by kids at school for silly things such as not dressing like them, or choosing to be myself when they all wanted to be part of a clique. So many tears were shed out of my sensitive eyes over those years that I can recall the sting in my eyes. Finally in my late teens I learned to let go of the past and never concede when you feel certain of your own mind.
Everyone wants to be right about something in this world, whether it be about their personal philosphy, interpretation, or anything of the like. However, at the end of the day some people will agree on one issue, but on another issue everyone may disagree. Learning to trust your voice and speak your mind is the first step towards emotional freedom, which means you will no longer be a prisoner to the opinions and philosophies of other people.
What some people never learn is being sensitive can be a beautiful thing. In this world everyone wants to be perceived as tough a nails, but much of it is just an act. Anyone who belittles or pokes fun at someone is really insecure about themselves, so smile and know insecurity is something all humans have. No human is truly more secure than another, much of it is play acting.
Amazingly one thing that helped me to reach this perspective was a scene in the movie the Joy Luck Club, based on a novel by Amy Tan. The first generation of Chinese born women had experienced true oppression and betrayal, but in America they were trying to teach their daughters about empowerment and equality. Unfortunately one of the second generation American born daughters had grown up being able to have equal rights, but when she got married she went back to the traditional Chinese method of not speaking her mind because she thought her husband would love her more if she were agreeable.
Her husband decided he did not love her anymore and used her not speaking her mind as a reason to have an affair. He claimed the zest had gone out of their relationship just because she never argued with him or had an opinion. To add insult to injury he wanted to sell the house, which she loved and wanted to keep.
As a last ditch effort to save her house she decided to be amiable and nuturing by baking his favorite pie for when he came over to discuss selling the house. At this juncture her first generation Chinese mother shares a story about even though Chinese women are traditionally taught to be submissive, her own mother had committed suicide so she and her brother could be recognized as the primary children. Thus, things are not always what they seem and we should not sit complacently by and let people walk all over us. The second generation daughter finally got up the courage to speak up to her husband to demand to keep the house, which resulted in him appreciating her once more and reviving their relationship. Her goal was not to keep him, but to stand up for what she knew was right and fair. She did not have to be a doormat just because someone did not agree with her.
When I was watching the Joy Luck Club one day in high school my mom said I should pay attention to that part of the movie because I might just learn a life lesson. For about seven years during my public school education I had sat idly by while other students had severly taunted and teased me for almost any move I made. They hated my clothes, hated my looks, and made it known on a daily basis.
Even though I read our class assignments and had good points, some students would always make insulting remarks about how I was dorky and stupid. I knew I was none of those things, and after watching this movie and thinking about it it helped me to realize my own self-worth, which is a big point discussed in the Joy Luck Club. The movie the Joy Luck Club helped me to realize I have a voice and even though it may not always be the most popular one, I should not be afraid to share my points of view. From that day on I began to see myself as being the equal of my classmates as opposed to a second rate person. For a few years I actually began to believe I was not as good as them because I was teased so severely, and even as an adult I have never been part of a clique or a large group for that reason. I will always be slightly socially awkward, but I am no longer afraid to speak my mind and be proud to be me.
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Comments
I hate when people are teased in school over being different. I know one of the reasons I was teased was because people always told me I looked Jewish, Italian, or Arab in comparison to the blonde haired trendy girls. Also, I did not wear the same clothes as the rest of the kids and I was ethnically mixed, which showed in this very Caucasian community. However, even Caucasian kids who did not dress like the cool kids were teased and ridiculed over silly things.
I hate when people are made fun of for their names, that is just wrong. The Joy Luck Club is a very good movie, based on the book by Amy Tan. Many of the struggles the young women have in this movie, such as knowing their self-wroth are similar to what others have, no matter their race or culture. Some how this movie just really touched me at a time I needed it. Thanks for visiting countrywomen.
Great hub, SweetiePie. For some reason, I've been thinking about high school a lot lately. I was also teased and generally disliked during that time period, and I remember enjoying that scene from the Joy Luck Club and wanting to be a stronger person as a result.
Thanks for sharing your story. Glad to know I have some kindred spirits on here. :)
MelissaG,
I think there are many kindred spirits here and many of us have gone through similar experiences. High school can be a brutal experience and it shocks me when some downplay the hurt teasing causes. The Joy Luck was a comfort during that time and I still love this movie. Certain movies are bittersweet, but have messages that just help us feel better. Thanks for sharing that you went through some of the same things because it is good to know I was not alone. Some of my friends also went through teasing, which I think is why we have formed a small group and are not part of the bigger cliques.
Joy Luck Club is one of my favorites. Also, the lessons of the movie are universal.
I was also teased a lot and I turned to music, being in a band, to get through that awkward time of life. But while I was more or less accepted because I was a good musician, I was never fully accepted, if you know what I mean. I was a acceptable outsider, ready to be tossed aside should i ever strive to increase mny status within the popular group.
It leave scars even to this day, a long, very long time after the events occurred. But evenetually I decided that the popular group were all idiots, so I moved on.
Excellent hub!
Cheers!
Chef Jeff
Very well said Chef Jeff. I believe being an outsider is a more authentic expression of self than those who strive to be part of a clique. Even as as adults there are those who have to chime in and surround themselves by the so-called "popular people," but we never really know much about those people to be honest. I prefer my friends to be people who are not afraid to be outsiders because I know they actually have opinions and a mind, even if their opinions go against the popular trends.
I knew of this girl in school who was not as hip and pretty as the rest of the other girls and guys always picked on her to impress these so-called hip girls. Her schoolbag always goes missing and sometimes her books would be ripped apart page by page and strewn all over her desk. In the end her parents transferred her to another school after she couldn't take the torture anymore. Being naughty is part of being a kid but some kids can get real evil. The only way to protect yourself is to stand up and speak out for yourself but unfortunately in those young times we don't exactly understand or have the courage to do that. This is a great hub SweetiePie. Thumbs up to you.
Ashwin,
I will not lie, I had kids do similar things to me. One day I turned around in fifth grade a boy was kicking me in the back. I noticed they had put a sign on my back that "said kick me," and they all started yelping and laughing. The teasing became physical in that classroom to the point where my mom had to go to the principal and let him know this teacher could not control the class.
The instigators got in big trouble and were mad I had ratted on them, but it had to be done so I could have the right to go to school without being harassed. The verbal abuse continued for years after that, but one day I just looked at them and really thought how pointless.
I know people saying part of being a kids is being cruel and playing pranks, but I think if parents take the time to talk to their kids they would not be behaving this way. The reason I know is because all along there were kids that were consider part of the cool crowd, but who would take a stand and tell the bullies they were out of line.
Thanks for sharing Aswhin and I am glad to see you are back.
I was personally never teased or talked about (at least to my face, I know people talked and continue to talk about me behind my back) but I do struggle with feelings of inferiority. i often keep my mouth shut when I know I should speak up or when soemone is saying something that hurts me or angers me I often keep quiet because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.
But as I get older I realize that such thinking is stupid and limiting to who I can be.
Thanks for such a great hub that reminds us all to learn to trust ourselves and our voice even when others refuse to listen.
I went through a stage where all i wanted to do was hide also...but soon overcame it with the Love from God...It did leave it's scars tho and i wish that on no one...follow your heart, always tell the truth, be kind and treat others as you would have them treat you...and life becomes so much simpler...Thanks for a nice reminder....G-Ma :o) hugs
Very true G-Ma, God can help us heal any hurt. Thanks for sharing.
theomini,
I believe as we mature we are able to speak up when someone says something immature and hurtful. Kids are often afraid they will not fit in if they speak out, but as we grow we realize we do not have to live in fear of group think. Positive self thoughts are much more powerful. Thanks for sharing.
Good for you, Sweetie! I was also teased a lot in school (a very skinny guy with a stutter), and dreaded each and every day. What built up my self-esteem was when, at 16-17, I started playing music. Suddenly I was the guy in the band, in the rock club, nightclub, the concert in the park that everybody was looking at and wanted to hang-out with. Those kids then started to look at me and treat me differently, but by then I was no longer interested in being accepted or part of their group. My group transcended theirs by leagues. And do you know what? 90% of the most talented and gifted musicians I've been lucky enough to work with had gone through the same thing in school!
And Sweetie, if you check out the biographies of actors, artists, geniuses, etc... many of them were just the same way.
You are in very good company.
I agree with you Constant Walker, most talented people that have granted interviews were teased or misfits in school. It is only when they attain celebrity and fame that all of a sudden people want to be around them. Most truly talented people are cool to be in those brainless cliques anyway :). You should write a hub about this topic Constant, or have you already?
No, I haven't. Not sure why... it just doesn't matter to me anymore, hasn't for a very long time. I guess I just rose above it, you know?
Good search engine topic was why I suggested it. Even though you have risen above it, it might help other people that are younger and still finding their identify. Sorry if the suggestion was annoying, I just like to suggest certain topics I notice do well.
Hello SweetiePie, it's beautiful to read about your journey toward valuing the uniqueness of the self. You're right. This type of sharing helps readers recall their own struggle and be grateful for their present situation. Giving love to others will be easier once there is much love within. Stay unique and keep loving yourself. I'm happy for you. Godbless
Dayzeebee,
I feel God did help me in my journey also. I am very secure in how I feel about things at this part of my life, but much pain had to be overcome to get here. Thanks for the support :).
so much truth in this one.
thanks.
Great Hub. Very honest and right on!
Thank you Benson.
Thanks for stopping by Candace.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, and good for you that you finally found your voice. I've always believed what goes around comes around. I've seen it happen. This hub brought to mind some of my experiences in high school, which are referenced in two of my hubs, to tell the truth or not? and keep your mouth shut, or, what not to say. In one I squealed on some boys who had trashed our teacher's brand new car. In the other I got caught up in a fight.
We also had a girl in our class who didn't fit in. She was an only child being raised by much older parents. They didn't allow her to wear makeup, shave her legs or dress in the latest styles, not to mention she was short and chubby all through school. She was a very nice girl though, and me and my girlfriends tried to get her to maybe wear a little makeup or something. She just said thanks, but I'm not allowed. Girls liked her well enough, but boys stayed away from her. The poor girl definitely didn't have a social life. I went to my high school's 20th reunion, and I was speechless. This girl was there and she was gorgeous! She had a shape to die for, an outfit on that would knock your socks off, makeup, just simply a knockout. It was my friend. She shared with me that once she graduated high school, at some point both her parents died. She finally did what she had dreamt of doing all through school. Kids can be extremely cruel and it's a damn shame.
I keep a sign hanging in my cube at work which says 'stand up for your principles, even if you have to stand alone'.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. This has to help a lot of people who have experienced the same thing. :)
Trish,
Thanks for sharing your story with me, I appreciated it. Where did you get that really inspirational sign? That would be something I would like too. I truly believe that standing alone if you have to stand up for your principals is a very true thing.
Gee, Sweetie, I really don't remember where I got it, but no doubt, I saw it in a book and simply typed it up and hung it on the wall. I am a lover of sayings because so many of them ring true to me. If you want to, get creative and do it up in a nice script and frame it, or, perhaps find a nice piece of wood and paint it on there, then hang it up. One other that I have on my fridge at home says three things in life should never get broken, toys, hearts and promises.
The one saying that is dear to my heart is one my mom taught me, and that is, never judge a book by its cover. I've lived by that one my whole life. Nice talking to you :)
Typing it out in a pretty font or handpainting it on a piece of wood sounds fun. Thanks for the suggestion, I will try this. I always love not judging a book by it cover, literally and metaphorically :). Some of the best books have silly covers :).
working
countrywomen says:
2 months ago
Marrying some one from different culture sure has its advantages and disadvantages. It works out if there is very good level of communication and understanding between the couple. That's a nice movie story.
My Indian colleague at work introduced me to his wife and she told me this disturbing piece of information. Her son was being ridiculed in school for having a "foreign sounding name" and the boy would come home crying. Then they changed his name to Hari (called as Harry) and that helped a bit.
Good hub.