Overheard in ‘The Beauty Box’, Compton Street, Dudley, a rundown suburb of Birmingham in England, about 6 months ago:

Of course, it may not all be true but Mrs. Pearson from number 27 swears that there was a convoy of black limos near the CoOp about 2 years ago.

There were also several local witnesses to the fact that Sean Pratt, 35, a local plumber, was dating a diminutive Australian girl for about 6 months who was described as very pretty and perky. Locals remember her as Katie but that could have just been the cover name Kylie was using at the time.

This is what Mrs Ethel Pratt was reported to have said whilst having her hair permed:

"Our Sean is a bit of a ladies man. He’s one of them blokes that can take their pick. He’s been out with some big names, I can tell you. Not bad for a plumber and heating engineer from Dudley."

Catherine Zeta Thingy

Catherine Zeta thingy for example. You know her what was in that Darling Buds of May thing on the tele’. Married that old man from Hollywood in the end. Douglas something. Michael Douglas was it? Catherine Zeta Jones, thats it. Well that was on the rebound from our Sean. Mind you, I didn’t care for her much. She was Welsh you see. Very pretty though. Even then. She turned her nose up at our house though. Didn’t like the spare room or my cooking. But then, that’s the Welsh for you.

Who else. Let me see. Jennifer something. No not the tennis player. The one that sings and does the movies. American. They say she has a great bum. Personally, I’m not convinced but then I’m not a man. It seems to me there’s a fine dividing line between a great bum and just having a fat arse. Lilo is it?. Sounds like a toilet cleaner. JLO that’s the one. Lopez, that’s it, Jennifer Lopez. She was pretty too. Very dark and sultry.

She didn’t like our house either. Refused to stay here. Even the local Travel Lodge wasn’t good enough for her. She had what she called an Entourage. When her entourage arrived, it was like Bevin Street was under siege or something. All them flash cars and black vans. Big fellas with dark suits, sunglasses and ear pieces lurking all the way to the chip shop. Mr Patel at the Coop though he was being robbed and called the police.

Eventually the lady herself emerges from one of those stretched limo things. Talk about high and mighty. Jenny from the block my arse. She could certainly do with a fresh reminder of where she came from. I offered her a cuppa but she was having none of it. Then she spat the Nescafe I made her back into the mug so one of her ‘people’ fetched her something called a ‘lartay’ from one of the trucks parked in the street.

Anyway she and Sean went up to his room, presumably for a kiss and cuddle then they all buggered off to Hollywood. Only here twenty minutes at most. That one lasted about three months but JLO never came back to Dudley again. Poor Sean had to fly out to LA all the time. A bit much when you’re trying to start a heating business.

And don’t talk to me about the other American girl. Another Jennifer. In that thing called Friends. Jennifer Anniston was it? Sean was still out in LA and trying to do some plumbing in order to pay his airfare back to Birmingham. Sufficient to say Sean didn’t half regret taking his new girlfriend with him when he replumbed Brad and Angelina’s new hot tub in Hollywood.

Charlotte Church? Very brief that one. I told him straight. She might have a nice voice but she’s far to young and anyway she’s Welsh when all said and done.

My favourite? Let me see. It must be Kylie. Such a little treasure. The Pop Princess was pleased as punch with our spare bedroom. She and Sean were round the Bricklayers most evenings. Yes Minogue. That’s the one. Not a very fashionable pub, the Bricklayers, but she didn’t mind. She joined the Darts Team. Often played dominos with the old men in the corner.

Old Jack remembered her from Neighbours and called her Charlene. You’d never know she was such a big star. Used to walk round to our Dad’s dressed in blue jeans and a white tee shirt. Collected his pension from the Post Office. Mind you Kylie has a lovely bottom too. But she doesn’t flaunt it like JLO. Well except on stage, of course. Incidentally, it was our Sean who was the first to spot her bum’s potential. She was modelling some undies for him, from Agent Provacateur, at the time.

“I can just see your lovely bum in a pair of gold hot pants on the cover of your next Album,” suggested Sean. What happened next is Pop history.

Pop Princess and Showgirl she may be but I’ll tell you the kind of girl Kylie really is. She cooked our Sunday lunch on several occasions. Lovely roast she did. Then she did Granddad’s feet for him twice a week. She even sang Karaoki down the pub. That 'I Should be so Lucky' song for instance. I think that summed up how she felt at the time. Really lucky to be with a nice lad like our Sean and to escape the pressures of show business for a spell.

But it didn’t last. Granddad was heartbroken. She pleaded with Sean to go with her to Australia. But he was having none of it. He wanted to build up his own plumbing business in Dudley. He asked her to wait for him but she wouldn’t.

Who is Sean seeing these days? I shouldn’t say. Its a bit sensitive. If I mention a titled lady with a double-barrelled name and links to Royalty. An IT girl they used to call them. A bit posh for him? Not at all. She can’t be that posh because she does loads of daytime television.

But she don’t like our house or Dudley much but I think they love each other and it’s about time our Sean settled down. The trouble is I can't see her round the Bricklayers or getting her hands dirty around a U-bend or handling Granddad's feet for that matter. Still you can't have everything can you?

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So I’m really hoping this one will work out. If it goes ahead, I expect the wedding will be in Westminster Abbey. But I'd far rather it be to Kylie in the local methodist church. That’s who I’d really want for a daughter-in-law. Kylie and Sean could live here in Dudley with us until they find their own place.

The plumbing business is mushrooming so Kylie could help him out with the bigger jobs and also do his books. I think Kylie would make a great plumber. She’s got the hands for it and she's slim and agile enough to squeeze into tight corners in the loft. Anyway her looks won’t last forever and no one else coped with Grandad's feet the way she could.