LOVE and the LOST Cause

For centuries, human beings have defined love, but when is love, love, and when is it a lost cause? People act differently when aroused by amorous feelings toward someone of the same or opposite sex in a social setting. Naturally, human beingsare programmed to find a mate to procreate and have offspring to continue our individual branches on the family tree. The nurturing and bonding aspect of this pairing of two individuals can be labeled “love.” I will address the human interactions of love and lust between heterosexual couples based on a woman’s perspective in social situations. When out for a walk in the park, one may see a couple holding hands, hugging, kissing, and sometimes they are arguing and fighting about something. Dictionary.com describes love as: a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness; a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. (American Heritage Dictionary) While lust is defined as: an intense or unrestrained sexual craving. (American Heritage Dictionary) There are situations of infidelity and heartache that occurs in relationships, to an individual that may not have been insecure or jealous before the incident, they may exhibit these behaviors as a result of the experience.

“With regard to human relationships, couples tend to expect sexual monogamy of each other. If so, then cheating commonly refers to forms of infidelity, particularly adultery, however, there areother aspects of infidelity, which may be emotional. Cheating by thinking of, touching and talking with someone youare attracted to may equally be as damaging to the other person. Emotional cheating may be correlated to that of emotional abuse, which to date is treated as seriously in a court of law as physical abuse. With considerationand the understanding of other cultures and individuals, there is a wide spectrum of what cheating means. When in a committed relationship, the definition of cheating is based on both parties’ opinions and both parties may redefine their understanding to match the party at an either lower or higher extreme of their own definition of cheating. Some couples simply believe that cheating constitutes doing anything, whether verbal or physical, that one would not do in front of theirsignificant other. Such examples would include: flirting, kissing, heavy petting, and sexual advances or relations. Many people consider cheating to be any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, which may or may not include sexual monogamy.” (Wikipedia, 2008)

Jealousy and insecure behaviors can be demonstrated in a social setting when feelings of a competitive nature among women when it comes to “their” men, the same can be said about men and their “machismo,” but something different occurs among females. Women tend to be territorial and suspicious of other women in a social setting no matter how the relationship is viewed to the other women around them. Obedience to their partner is a top priority; in some cases it will surpass their obedience to family members such as parents, siblings, and members of the extended family. Affairs between a husband (Or boyfriend) and a sister, cousin, or a friend happens all the time, and that may be the reason women can be jealous of other women in general. Some women blame only the other woman for what happened, others blame only the lust of the man, but in the end, both parties are to blame because they were both involved in the incident unless one of them was unaware that the other was involved in a pre-existing relationship.

If the husband or boyfriend has cheated before, this will cause the woman to be insecure, suspicious of any interaction with other women, a lack of trust, the tendency to call several times when they are apart, and other jealous behaviors. A woman may not leave her partner’s side as a result of the betrayal while at a party or other social or public events, and may even prevent him from participating in social gatherings like car clubs, bowling leagues, or other activities without her being present. To the woman who has been through this type of experience, her behavior is completely justifiable in her personal perspective because she can no longer trust her partner because of previous unfaithful activities. The woman may also participate in other jealous behaviors such as going through her partner’s cell phone or personal emails, listening to his conversations on the phone or with others in a social setting, and may constantly accuse him of repeated behaviors after the fact.

If the woman has experienced this behavior before, or if her father was a cheater, this behavior may seem normal to her, especially if she witnessed her parents engaging in the same cycle. If the parents dealt with infidelity in their relationship, the children may grow up to accept this type of behavior in their own personal relationships as adults. A son may grow up to cheat on his girlfriends or future wife, or perhaps, grow up to be totally against that type of behavior because he observed the pain his mother endured while growing up. At the same time, the daughter may accept the notion that “all men cheat” and justify that particular type of behavior in her own relationships, constantly subjecting herself to a cycle of adulterous relationships, only to endure the heartache that coincides with those experiences. On the other handshe may not tolerate that kind of behavior but continue to be insecure or suspicious of family and friends around her partner because of the experiences she witnessed as a child. In instances where the individuals have never experienced infidelity within the family, the feelings involved in the aftermath of the incident may be new territory.

Using social facilitation as an example, the couple may over compensate in their relationship and interaction with one another in front of others to appear to be the “perfect couple” that doesn’t have any problems to exclude the embarrassment of infidelity. No one wants to admit their infidelity to his or her family members or peers, especially the victim of the behavior. The victim doesn’t want his or her peers to view them as weak for tolerating such wrong doings, while the person responsible for committing the dishonorable act doesn’t want anyone to know that they are capable of such a thing, therefore, both individuals display a performance in the presence of others to avoid the humiliation on both sides. Sometimes, hidden feelings can do more harm then good because of the suppression of such strong emotions. A big difference exists between love and lust as defined in The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, the biggest difference is the unrestrained desire of the sexual craving of lust inherent in human instincts that can end once the desire is fulfilled. While love is concentrated on feelings, emotions, attraction, and affection towards another individual, it has the potential to be limitless.

Once one person in the relationship commits adultery or infidelity, the trust between the pair is in jeopardy and if both parties wish to continue the relationship, therapeutic intervention may be necessary to resolve the underlying issues related to the infidelity, ranging from why it was initially committed by one party, to the healing process needed to address and overcome the resulting feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and anger of the other party. The relationship may never be the same again, but if both parties wish to move forward together, some type of therapy would be beneficial to both such as individual or couples counseling. If the issues can be resolved, then perhaps their love has overcome an obstacle and can successfully move forward, if the issues are not resolved, then perhaps they have found themselves dealing with a lost cause.

Work Cited:

Cheating (2008) In Personal Relationships, Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Retrieved March 6, 2008, from Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheating

love. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved March 06, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/love

lust. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved March 06, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lust