Learning to Say ‘No’
66I think the word ‘sucker’ is emblazoned across my forehead. People seem to take one look at me and come to the conclusion that I don’t have the gumption to say boo to a goose. It follows that saying the dreaded word ‘no’ is quite beyond my feeble capabilities.
They’re not far wrong. I have a history of being unable to deny the most unreasonable requests, especially when they’re accompanied by an intimidating expression. Or one that’s pleading, helpless, sad, or pathetically grateful. My brain is wired to nod, my eyes signal their reluctant acceptance, and my mouth makes incoherent sounds till the word ‘yes’ bursts out in all its finality.
My inability to say ‘no’ when I should have has led me to do two jobs for the (already woefully inadequate) salary of one; it’s got me doing all sorts of voluntary activities that no one else will touch; it’s landed me with unwelcome guests; it's…well, you get the picture.
Behaviour pundits will tell you it’s a lack of self-esteem that makes me say ‘yes’ when I mean ‘no’. They’ll say I’m an unfortunate people-pleaser, a wimp who doesn’t want to antagonise anyone. Perhaps they’re right. If wanting to avoid confrontation makes me all that, not to mention a coward as well, then so be it. I would rather extend myself that extra inch, or mile, than get into an ugly wrangle that is only to going to leave a bad taste all around.
Over the years I’ve tried to be more assertive. I’d like to believe I don’t say ‘yes’ when I mean ‘no’. Well not right away in any case. Like those pundits suggest time and again, I try to buy time. “I’ll get back to you about this,” I say, firmly and politely (as they also recommend). I convince myself that I’m not going to get suckered into doing something I don’t want to do. My shoulders straighten and I try to look as confident as I possibly can. I am going to decline in no uncertain terms. And out comes the word ‘yes’!
Another bright idea is to plead lack of time. No one who knows me well is going to believe that. Fact is I have more than enough time to do anything I want and still get in an afternoon nap. I opted out of the mainstream so that I could do things in my own time and at my own pace. I wanted to get out of the rat race, where I was forced to say yes to unreasonable deadlines and a lifestyle that wasn’t proving to be any fun. I wanted to be able to say ‘no’ to a job if I wanted.
Well, I can dream, can’t I? I still haven’t learnt how to say ‘no’ to a job, however boring and tedious it might be. I agree to do all manner of mindless writing because I really can’t figure out how to politely tell a client to take a hike. There’s one who thinks I’m always on call, just waiting to solve his little problems. He calls at the oddest hours to check the meaning of a word or whether he’s managed to construct a sentence right. Have I been able to tell him to buy a dictionary? Not yet.
All is not lost however. Ask my husband. He’ll tell you I find it only too easy to say ‘no’ to some of his wild schemes. When it comes to some of his fantastic ideas I don’t worry that I might be hurting his feelings or that everyone deserves a chance. I shake my head furiously, I flap my arms hysterically, I stamp my feet, and I firmly, and quite coherently, say ‘no’!
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But you don't always say no to your husband. You said yes when he asked you to marry him, didn't you? Or was that after many preceding "no"s? Or perhaps you did square your shoulders up and firmly and forcefully said "yes"!?
Am sadly sailing in the same boat as you FP!.....I think we only practise the 'No' on the poor hubbies....instead of the other way around!:-)
Great hub, Feline Prophet--I love your writing style! I'm also a reformed people pleaser, with occasional relapses, so I feel your pain. I've heard about the link between self esteem and saying "no," and it sounds good in theory, but I think I have a pretty healthy self esteem, and I still find myself saying "yes, yes, sure, whatever you'd like..." while inside I'm saying "I'd rather not." In some cases, such as work, it seems there isn't much of an alternative--although one time I stood up to a coworker who wanted me to complete a rather grueling task without much time or guidance, with a resounding "no," and it felt exhilerating! My celebration was short-lived, however, since I soon began to fear that my outspokeness would cost me my job. It didn't, but those are the dynamics we tend to operate under in the working world. It's so easy to forget about our self worth, talents, and autonomy at the bottom of the corporate hierarchy.
I'm glad you're practicing the art of saying "no" on your husband, at least! Practice makes perfect, right? :)
Hey, FP! Fancy meeting again so soon :)
In my opinion, the only place where there word 'sucker' may be emblazoned is in your mind --honest to goodness, nobody can see it on you! Don't fear the consequences of saying No, that is all it takes, really! Easier said than done, I know. But on the upside, when you get into the habit of saying No at the right times, you'll feel so much better about yourself :)
oh nooo!! how many times have you said yes to me when you meant a no?? :( :O :P :D
i have been planning to say No to you every time you ask me to read your hubs.it is not difficult.I did say No to you last time you said "will you read another hub i write?" and i did it so politely that you didn't even notice it.so dear FP do not despair it is possible to say NO! Remembering to ot do the things one said one wouldn't is of ofcourse another matter all together.
and when you flap your arms while saying No to Mr Prophet- do they errrrrr flap in his direction-
Thank you all for your comments! Glad to see I am not completely alone here! :P
Honestly though, I don't think I lack self esteem...and yet there are times when I just can't bring myself to say 'no'.
Melissa, I'm trying to practise on others too now. :)
And Elena, you're right, it does feel wonderful to be able to say 'no' and mean it!
Absolutely hilarious .. such a cute writing style... i just love visiting ur hubs... u talk about things n situations that occur in all our lives with such cute tongue in cheek humour.. so like u in real life..
Think you'll ever learn to say No? hehe...I think not!! So you might as well resign yourself to the inevitable!
Very well written FP - so eminently readable. You make yourself sound a little inadequate, and are able to make us smile by poking fun at yourself.
It's good to be considerate of the feelings of one's friends and aquaintances. Why hurt someone for trivial amounts of your time, money or effort. And it makes one happy, to be there for them when needed. Sure, all might not reciprocate in like manner. But, so what? That's their problem.
In major issues or matters of principle you know what's to be done and you do what is best for all concerned, including yourself. You did leave the mainstream job. And, as you said, you do practice saying no - after all what are hubbies meant for?
I'm so much like you FP... but yes, of late I have taught myself to say NO when the need arises, and I'm quite happy with it!
Great writing :-)
Hehe Shalini, thanks for the vote of confidence! :P
Thanks for reading Aparna, Jaspal and Nancy! Obviously you haven't learnt to say no when I badger you to read my hubs! :P
It's interesting to note that a lot of people have trouble saying no...for whatever reasons. Elena has some wonderful tips on saying no...do pay a visit to her hub too!
As you know we sail in the same boat!! :)
Learning to say no is indeed the most difficult thing. Especially learning to say no without offending the other person :-) There have been times I have said yes instead only just because I did not want my friend to feel bad :-)
I agree with Ravin. I am the most tactless person and I just simply and bluntly say no - its easier with people I dont like or whose approval does not matter. It is kind of painful with people who do matter .... but then I get creative. I get all forgetful, or dont understand, or simply dont hear the request :P
LOL, got to go now and make up with my sons who wanted me to run an errand that I "forgot"
aha..the simple no....wish i had said that!!!!!!!!!!! lollllllllllll
FP- Welcome back. Missed your presence here at HP. I am with you totally with saying NO. I guess I have learnt to say I will have to think it over and then later politely decline if it's not possible for me. Good hub and certainly a thumbs up from me.
Thanks for reading CW. I'm glad you're able to say no eventually...I'm still working on it!
:) glad I said yes to Ritu when she told me to join Hub ;)what a pleasure to meet you here FP I like that :D..
I have faced so many problems because of being utterly tactless and No seems to be a word from some alien dictionary to me .Many a times mostly in cases of my kids I resolve to say NO but my lips form it into a oh well ok yes ..but just this once . :) so you see it is such a herculean task kitty cat .
enjoying your writings ..thanks for stopping by my hub ..do take a look at the blogs too (now that I know your weekness ..no NO lol)..lv and good luck
Smart girl...will have to visit your blogs now! :P Thanks for stopping by.
Feline Prophet. I do have to agree that it is to avoid confrontation. It is hard to say no because you are a people pleaser ..and I am sure you have been taught it from the time you could walk.
My father would say things like, "If you don't clean the entire house ...you will not be able to go to the dance." ...."If you don't go to church ...you won't be able to go to any of your friends this week." Now I agree that going to church is a good thing ..but what I am getting to is the threats.
So if we say no ..the threat is we feel that we may lose a friend or perhaps the friend will not call us when they are truly having fun ....lesson learned.
So I don't know if you have gone through any of this type of training ..but I could go on and on about the threats I got. So as a result ...I am a true "work alcoholic."
Good hub ...thanks for sharing ...my best to you!
p.s. I am practicing saying "No"
gjcody, I think a lot of the training happens without us realising it! By the time we do, it's usually too late. I'm still trying to learn to say 'no' and it's not easy once you've been conditioned to say 'yes'.
Thanks for reading! :)
I think if everybody said yes more often, and didn't resort to confrontation as a matter of course, the world would be a much better place to live in.
I used to work in a very confrontational environment, and it was really killing my soul. I think it is unfortunate that many people feel that the best way to get high productivity is through competitive confrontation. Frankly, I think that a more collaborative, say-yes, environment is more productive, and makes people want to stay and work for longer hours.
So please continue saying yes, we truly need more "yes we can" people in this world.
That's a refreshing point of view! We're all getting tied up in knots about being unable to say 'no', when in fact 'yes' could have some pretty positive results! Thanks for dropping by shibashake! :)
Hey FP, we should link our hubs!
Indeed we should, cindy, except I don't know how! :P Can you help?
Diana says:
13 months ago
Hmmmmmmmm....I think there is a lot of that going around. many of us find it difficult to say that simple word and land up doing stuff which we never wanted to do. In fact when I push myself into saying No to someone and feel very proud.. after that...I land up doing 2 things later for the person who I had said No to...guilty conscience and all that...You have company puddy tat. And I too have no problem in saying No to the hubby with all the accompanying histrionics...hehe