First, cute Coach leather spectator slingbacks. Did you actually pay full retail for those? Wow. They're lovely. You should wear them as much as you can. They match your new suit, don't they? Red is definitely your color.

Do you have a minute? Of course you do! You don't have kids yet. You only think you are busy, rushing off to work in your convertible 2 seater, late for a meeting, wondering if you'll have time to pop into Starbucks. Sorry to invade your coffee time, but you'lll make up for it at lunch at that new Italian place downtown. You know, the one with the tiny window tables draped in white linen cloths, with the black tied waiters? You will order the tagliatelle, and you'll love it. You won't even have to eat it cold, while you cut up someone else's food, or go to the restroom to change a diaper. Good thing, because there is no changing table in there, anyway!

Anyway, here. Let me move these stuffed animals so you can - whoops! That's just an old half-eaten Uncrustable, here, dust that off - have a seat. Something to drink? Oh, no I'm sorry. We don't have Pellegrino with lime. Is a room temperature Capri Sun okay? Yeah, just poke the straw into that tiny hole - no, wait! It's going to spout out! Here. Just hand me that. I'll do it for you. Anyway, there's something I want to tell you. So glad you stopped by.

First - oh, hang on just one minute. I have to check the baby, I think I hear her. Well, we can talk while I warm this bottle. Anyway, enjoy living in Northern California while you're up there! Go into San Francisco more! You live just 45 minutes south of the city, and you hardly take advantage. You don't even need to pack up the kids and take them to your parents house, just so you can eat in peace with your husband (who is now your fiancee.) BTW, your wedding in Hawaii was gorgeous, but beware! There is construction going on, and the coordinator is NOT disclosing that fact!)

There, the bottle is ready. Hang on one second. I'll be right back.

Okay, thanks for waiting. Stop looking at your watch! What I have to say is important.

So. You will be passed over for a promotion soon, and it will seem like the end of your world. You'll be depressed, but take some extension courses in creative writing. You work at Stanford, for goodness sake! Not getting the promotion is not the end of the world. Sure, you'll feel used, and it will not be a fair decision. You will be forced to interview a slew of lesser qualified idiots. Whatever. Your next real job will be so much more interesting, though the pay will be abominal.

There will be long hours, and the job description will keep changing. You will need to be on call all of the time, but you won't mind. Pack away your gorgeous suits and leather briefcase. This job requires a uniform! Yep! You heard me! And guess what? The uniform is jeans, a zip up hoodie sweatshirt, a tank top, and flip flops. Sounds comfy, right? Well, your job is really -how shall I say this? "Hands on" so you'll need to be comfortable..

You will first have to pass a 9 month physical examination. Yep, for 9 long months you will be scrutinized, poked, prodded, tested, and monitored. After you pass the nearly year-long physical, you will be exhausted, but the real job has only just begun.

You will be issued one baby, to start. A little baby boy. Your job for the next 30 years will be to see to it that he is fed, rested, healthy, educated, and happy. Because you will love your job so much, and your husband will be helping you part time, you will be given even more responsibility once you have been in your position for 3 years. You will be issued a little baby girl. You will rise to the task with tired limbs, and bleary eyes, but you will love what you are doing with a passion you never imagined possible. You will allow your work to consume you, and you won't mind one bit.

Now, hold onto your Day Planner! Because once you feel like a pro about 5 years into this new position, you will be issued yet one more baby to care for, in addition to the other 2 already in your charge. You will now have a total of 3 direct reports! Amazing. Don't worry, though. There is a freeze on resources after that, and your department has reached it's cap. 3 is all you will have to manage.

Some days will be easier than others. At times you won't believe the amount of shit you put up with in a day, but somehow you think it's all worth it, when you receive your pay check. Your paycheck, by the way, is issued as two sticky palms on your cheeks as your little girl plants a kiss on your mouth. Bonuses come in the form of finger paintings featuring you as a stick figure, holding the hand of another little stick figure, with a heart drawn around it. You will find this so valuable that you will hang onto it, forever.

Your workload at times will be unbearable. It will require you to forefit sleep, just so you can have some time to yourself to maintain your sanity. Forget work-life balance. Your work will become your life now, and vice versa.

You're looking at your watch again, I know you'll be late now. I also need to go. I think I smell something burning, and hear someone crying, and that's never a good combination.

Oh, one last thing. When you stop at Starbucks on your way in, hold the door for the tired lady with dark circles and the double stroller behind you. I know she will really appreciate it, even as she casts a jealous glimpse at your shoes.