Letter to my dad
81- 3 Things I learned from my family
Open communication: I don't only tell her that she can talk about anything; I also try to give her the example. Judgment: I myself consciously try to avoid any judgment, especially when it concerns my daughter. Letting go: But I do try to let her g
Dad,
I'm writing you this letter for a number of reasons. I hope that you're still in such a condition that you're able to read it or have it read to you.
First of all I want you to know that my thoughts are with you. I regret what has happened to you and I sincerely hope that they can they can accomplish something, even if it is just limiting your pain and suffering. I have witnessed from a relatively close distance how heavy and nasty the battle is and I wish you strength and all the support you can get. Problem with things like this is that there barely are words for it. I don't have words for it. But that doesn't mean that I don't care. I want you to know that. Ever since mom has informed me, it has been on my mind. I just don't know what to do with it. This has been interpreted as a lack of interest, but it isn't that. The entire situation ‘just' is awkward and complicated, but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother me.
Al these years I felt that it was mom (and possibly my sister as well) who had a problem with my ex wife. You stood behind mom, I stood behind my ex wife. Maybe I've been wrong all those years, but I have always had the feeling that you (just like me) didn't understand why the relationship between mom and my ex was so bad. I can understand and respect if people don't get along. Some personalities just don't mix well. But what bothered me is the reproach that my ex had bad intentions. I could not imagine that you too felt that way; and I hope I'm not wrong in that. I will be the last person to say that my ex was perfect and flawless, but I also know that it was her who regularly suggested to visit you. And it was her who said: "let's celebrate our wedding. After all they're your parents and it's their son getting married". She didn't say that for me; as far as I was concerned we could have taken the bike to the city hall and just get it over with. She didn't say that for herself; she had already been there once. She said that out of respect for your feelings.
I'm not ignoring your sorrow over the break. I have been blamed for having no understanding for that, but this is not correct. I also want you to know that we have never forbidden or even discouraged our daughter to contact you. It's just that a child doesn't do that so easily. And she has never asked us to contact you.
Then I want you to know that I have never precluded or rejected any contact. A number of years ago a friend of you and mom called me and we had a good talk. He gave me his mobile number and asked me to call him back some day. I had to really think about that some time and when I decided to call him back, I had lost the number. As all I had was his name, without address I couldn't call him back.
After that a number of attempts were made to get in touch with me, especially by my sister. I have never responded negatively to those attempts. Every time I took my time to answer. I have been honest and open and was clear about my doubts. I didn't (and still don't) know how to see the restoration of contact. That doesn't mean that I rejected; I just didn't know how then. And ever since the most recent e-mails back and forth to mom and my sister I still don't know. These contacts were difficult and not very positive in my perception. I don't want to look for or appoint a culprit for that; I am very aware that I can come across as formal and impersonal. But in my view we have grown further apart than before.
Mom wrote that she has told you that she had contacted me and that this didn't please you. As far as you're concerned it's a closed book, according to her. Honestly, I had several thought when I read that. I wondered (and still do) what she has told you; if you have actually read the mails that I've sent or only have heard interpretation of them. I also wondered if you had really responded in such a bitter manner or if that (too) had been her interpretation. I can imagine you have enough on your mind as it is and you're not really in the mood for a toilsome contact with your son. So I can imagine that your condition has influenced your reaction. If this is the case, I can understand. And if you indeed feel that this book is closed, then that's how it is. It would be disappointing because that's not in line with the image I have of you, but that would be my problem.
I've told my daughter what's going on, just like I have showed her the correspondence with mom and my sister. She's old enough to know what is happening and I don't keep secrets from her. Her first reaction was that she wanted to see you. And if she really wants that and you want that too, I'll come over with her to visit you. Part of me wants to see you too; it's not as if I'm coming only because my daughter wants to see you. But I'd like to be honest with you: a different part of me will find it very difficult. And if we are welcome, then I probably don't know what to do with myself.
I also want to tell you - how hard that may sound - that I don't feel any desire to see mom or my sister, due to the recent contacts. These relationships have been severely upset. I'm not saying that they can't be restored, but a lot has to happen before I want to see them. I am aware that these are very harsh words, but this is how it is; I'm sorry.
Chance is that we will never see each other again. This is the simple reality. And if it has to be like that, I accept that without any feeling of guilt, regret or resentment. Maybe you don't care and maybe it assures you to know that I don't blame you for anything, just as I don't blame myself.
I sincerely wish you a lot of strength.
Your son
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Comments
Thank you very much, talented_ink. It's very personal, I admit. And actually it felt quite good to publish it here. I anticipate on getting the results I need, rather than the results I want. I have communicated intensively with my mother and sister in the past couple of weeks and it seems we're not able to 'find each other'. So recent experiences don't raise much hope. In addition, I can imagine that his condition affects his emotional disposition as well. I for me have the feeling that I have done what I could and I can still look myself in the eye.
It sounds like you're in the right frame of mind since your main focus is getting the results you need and with you doing everything you can do, things should work out the way that they should. Leave a comment simply saying yay or nay once everything is settled.
Will do, talented_ink. Thank you for your considerate words.
*spryte reads....and then looks at you*
/hug
You looked like you could use one.
Thank you, spryte. I realize that I have issues (although there not too heavy) and I appreciate the gesture
Dear Anata65,
May this letter reach its intended audience and may the reponse it gets be favourable.
I admire the honesty and nobility that this letter exudes, my friend.
Thank you very much, terenceyap. As a Zen Koan says: "When there's nothing you can do, what can you do?"
I just want to say that I am touched.
Thank you, Bernie. Even if this is 'only' the internet, that's a warm thought.
Deep and Emotional. I had to READ this...COMPLETE.
Thank you, Guidebaba.
The contact with my family still is the way it was. I have been informed that the letter to my dad has been received. But due to his physical condition (he had a nine hour operation, a couple of weeks ago) my mother doesn't want him to read it. His heart rate and blood pressure appear to be vulnerable and the emotions involved are considered to be a potential risk.
This is too emotional. We don't realise the importance of things till they are with us. Once they are lost, we learn their importance. I hope you understand what I mean. You Father needs you and your love.
I understand, Guidebaba. I've tried to keep the door open. Right now I will just wait and see how this letter will be received. From the signals I've received there still is a lot of resentment. Maybe one day, I'll paraphrase and translate the communication so far and put that into a hub.
We look forward to that HUB.
I'll only publish it if it doesn't come across too bitter or negatively.
As someone who didn't speak to any member of my immediate family other than my mother for 10 years, I can relate to this. I hope it works out for you.
I think it will, Dafla. Funny thing is that I really don't know how I'd want it to work out. There are a lot of mixed feelings. What I do know, is that I don't want a forced contact. It's either naturally or not at all. I don't like hypocrisy. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it works out. Thank you for commenting.
Ananta65 is this letter true or did you make it up? Whatever it is it is sensational. Great work. :D
This letter is true. I've sent it a couple of weeks ago and haven't received an answer yet.
Thank you very much :)
Hmm.
I will give ya hug too.
Thanks Ananta
Thank you, Brainstormer, I appreciate that.
The latest i heard (via via) was that he's doing reasonably well, given the circumstances. I haven't received an answer yet, though.
Love will prevail -- I know that for sure. Love is that which keeps the door open even if it looks closed. It is present in your heart --- displayed in this hub. It is present -- it is a present. Soon all shall be revealed and you will know. A tender hug to you:)
Thank you, Dayzeebee. I am patient and can live in peace with whatever happens. Thank you *hug*
Really?! It`s true! Wow. I thought it was true before you answered. But now seeing you say it`s true is just so great. Luv the letter. I hope you get an answer. I wanna know what it says!!!
If I do get an answer I'll let you know *smile*
Good.
You usually put LOL or :) on your comments now I see you`re putting *Smile* on them!!! You should come up with 10 different things to put on your comments. That would be cool!!! :) LOL *smile*
How about a *wink* this time then
Hi Ananta
This is the first time I've seen this hub, and I have to admit, I only found it, because I was 'stalking' you today on the hubs.
I've had some hairy times with my own family. I have a brother who my husband has never met, even though we've been together 17 years. In the case of my own family, My brother behaved shamefully, and despite outstanding patience and love on the part of my parents, he continued to treat them shabbily, and to abuse their trust, right up until they died.
I'm certain that this is not how things have been with you and your family. I hope that you continue to keep the door open, and do send flowers and condolences when the inevitable comes. My brother didn't do this, and of all his many, many transgressions, I find this hardest to forgive.
I wish you peace in a difficult situation, and I hope that it all comes out okay in the end,
Mandy
That realy is a harsh story, Amanda. I wouldn’t be surprised if my family thinks that I have behaved shamefully too. I have seen my sister’s youngest only once, shortly after they (they’re twins) were born.
However, I have kept the door open, as far as I’m concerned and I intend to be at least considerate when that moment calls for it. Thank you fostalking (I feel honoured), reading and commenting, Mandy.
Do you think you and your brother will get to be on speaking terms again?
Ananta, I have struggled with similar circumstances, for the last 20 years. But you are a wise man, and I'm confident that you have taken the right path. I do hope things come out well for you, friend.
Thank you so much, B.T. I hope your struggle has taken the right path for you as well?
Time will tell. Fingers crossed. These are the kinds of things that can't be repaired with humor.
Hi Ananta,
No, I doubt I'll see my brother again in this life, especially as he does not see or keep in contact with the five children that he abandoned, one of whom is handicapped. From what I know of you, you seem to be a just and reasonable person, but unfortunately my brother is neither of those things. There are six of us in the family, and the rest of us may have our funny little ways, but we all do our best. My oldest brother stands the nature/nurture argument on it's head, however, as his misdemeanours have ranged from criminality, to violence, to manipulation. He's not a good person, and I'm not sorry we've lost touch.
You're in a different place, I'm sure, so a path may be found back home, in time.
Mandy
You have to be very careful with humor in these matters, indeed. People tend to take things seriously and personally. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you, BT.
Only proves that you can pick out your friends, not your relatives. And in spite of what we may want, our relatives don’t always turn out to be our friends. It’s a shame, Mandy, but from what you tell me I’d probably feel the same way if I were in your position.
Edwin
Good luck in hearing some mature and comforting responces... I'm hoping it all worked out and publishing this helped you deal with the issue.
Thank you, J_Eds. The comments indeed helped me in that they confirm that I deal with it the ‘right’ way. Publishing it helped, as that got me these comforting comments. If it’s going to help to work it out, I don’t know. It won’t hurt, I guess. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Put your *wink* into action!!! *smile!*
*smile*
Same to you!
Hello an65, we meet again under very serious cirmumstances. My friend,I do not know the answer to your predicament but I did have a problem at our wedding ( we were married in 1961 and they said it wouln't last) .
My father stated loud and clear that he would not come to our wedding if my older sister was invited. (due to things between them I knew nothing about) . My answer was to tell him "jump in the lake" to cut a long story everyone came and had a good time.
Naturally I don't know your circumstances other from whats in your letter.Some mothers do have trouble letting their sons go and no woman is good enough for their boy. After the mother has made this desicion its a foregone conclusion that the father will support that to the hilt.
I think you hot the spot with your last paragraph, ag. And I don’t hold that against her. As I understand my father. After all, he’s sharing his life with her and I may assume that he’s happy with that. Apart from that I am quite aware that I have my own traits as well. Nobody’s perfect, not even me :)
It’s a shame things have gone this way. But what is, is. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Just thought I'd let you know. When I came home today, I found the following e-mail in my inbox:
"I don't know if you appreciate it, but I hereby want to let you know that dad has passed away last Friday.
Mom"
And yes, that was all.
*hug*
Oh, Ananta, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
Ananta65 I have just finished reading your hub and all the positive supportive comments to your dilemma. Your total honesty must have made this a very hard hub to write. However having said that the cold email you received from your mother telling you of your own father's death - has left me quite shocked - my thoughts are with you - hug...
Ananta - so sorry.
Thank you all for your kind an warm words. I feel like I have already lost my father years ago, when the contact was broken and all that has happened now is that it's definite. I guess the cold tone of the e-mail is due to the emotions involved.
Again, thank you all for your sympathy.
very emotional read
Why, thank you Lgali
Hi Ananta,
So sorry to hear about your Dad. I'd hoped for a happy ending on this one.
Take care.
I am so sorry for your loss, and what will never be resolved between you. I too had hoped for a happier ending.
Thank you, Amanda and Jerilee. I had hoped to receive an answer, but at this time I don’t even know if he’s ever read the letter. So be it. You can’t change what you can’t change…
Ananta- He still is your father and one hug from his loving son would make him forget years of misunderstandings. Just don't feel uncomfortable and don't postpone visiting till tomorrow. Do it today and do it now. Grab all those moments that belonged to you with your father but denied due to misunderstandings. Make up for the lost time and maybe go on a family vacation together. Just get back with your father and be a family again. No amount of misunderstandings can come between a true love of a father and son. Go and do it now. Don't wait or hesitate just go.
Too late now, countrywomen. I appreciate what you say, but… even if I would want to follow your advice, he’s gone now. And I can only hope that he didn’t have to suffer too much. I still think that I have done the right thing and I don’t blame myself (nor do I deny my own part in this matter).
And I don’t think you can ever make up for time lost. Time is never lost, it just passes. And nothing can bring it back. Apparently, in this case, things could come between the love of a father and a son. And then again, they couldn’t. Just because there was no contact does not mean that there was no love *smile*
Anyway, I appreciate your words, thank you for reading and commenting
Ananta - How is your daughter with this sad situation? this I imagine, will make you even closer... my thoughts are with both of you ...
Mate, I wish I could have been there to have a beer with you!
My sincerest condolences for your sad loss!
My daughter holds up well. Her memory of my father is faint. After all, she hasn’t seen him since she was some five years old. So she took it quite well.
It would be nice to have that beer, regardless of the situation, agvulpes *smile* I really appreciate the warm comments from all of you. Thank you very much.
Ananta- I am so sorry to hear that your dad passed away. I hope you treasure those good memories you had of your dad. I am sure your dad also must have felt the same about you. I guess sometimes we create walls around us when we need to be building bridges. Anyway life is a constant process of learning and growing every moment of life. I guess we can learn to do the right things at the right time in life since sometimes we may not have a second chance. Great tribute to your departed father. May his soul rest in peace.
Also glad to see you back. It's been a while since I have not seen you be active on hub pages.
Thank you so much, countrywomen. I don’t look back in anger or regret. I won’t let my memories be soiled by what has happened. Then again, I won’t make a saint out of my dad now that he has gone either. He was a human, just like me. And just like me he has made his choices and made his mistakes. And I hope that he left without regrets. Thank you for your warm words.
These last days of the year I will still be busy with quite a few things, but I hope that I will be able to show up here more once these days are over. You haven’t seen the last of me yet *smile*
So to all hubbers: I wish you and your loved ones a merry, merry Christmas and the best wishes for 2009!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2009. I wish you and your family health, wealth and happiness.
Thank you very much *warm sile*
You are welcome *smiles back*. Thanks to you too for the best wishes.
for all these people posting comment in this hub, your minds are great and I'm greatful that yet this time we have people like you....
I have nothing to add to that, GooDMaN? *smile*
talented_ink says:
16 months ago
This is deep. It takes a big person to write something like this here, and I pray that if you aren't able to get the results you want, you get the results that you need.