I am putting a spoiler at the top of this hub for talk of child/spousal abuse and s/a.

So far, the responses have been, in short, on opposite ends of the psychological spectrum. In short, the two approaches you have been offered are fight or flight. You have been told to either a: turn and face it, or it will never go away. or, conversely, the option of turning your head, and pretending it never happened.

Honestly, I'm inclined to agree with the "fight" approach. Because the biggest problem with the "Flight" approach is this: have you ever had a recurring nightmare?

Have you ever noticed that it wasn't until you realized what was triggering the nightmare, or, in your unconscious state, realized how to beat that nightmare monster that the nightmares stopped? The past is the same way.

You can pretend as much as you want that your mother didn't beat you with a belt until you were taken away when you were eight, or that your uncle didn't rape you.

You can pretend as much as you want that you weren't bounced from foster home to foster home for 14 years, or that your husband didn't try to kill you. You can bury your head under the sand as much as you want. Unfortunately the only thing that ever happened to the ostrich is that he gets bitten in the butt while he's not looking. The same thing will happen with your past, over and over again, usually while you're not looking, usually when you think you've gotten over it.

When you are beginning a new relationship you start to pull back because you're afraid this guy is just as much of a jerk as the last guy who cheated on you. When your child turns four, you start having flashbacks about that rape you had tried to repress, and suddenly remember what happened when you tried to run away, and that your mother was in the next room and didn't.do.a.thing.

There are multiple approaches to facing your past. The point is that Teeray is right. You MUST face your past. Turn around, look at it, make your ugliest, most childish face at it and make good and sure that it knows you're done letting it beat you up.

You do NOT have to face the person who hurt you, if applicable, directly. You can write a letter and burn it. You can ask someone you trust if they can take that letter and dispose of it if you feel the need to send it but can't face the person who hurt you, or if they are dead.

You *can* face the person who hurt you, even if it's 16 years later and they tell you "____ You're freaking crazy that never happened," The fact is, you've gotten it off your chest, *You* have dealt with it, the rest is THEIR Karmic trash not yours.

You can choose to go to counselling, or not, alone or group. Oh, and if one approach doesn't work for you, don't be afraid to tell them that it isn't working. There are multiple approaches to counselling now, especially as they relate to getting over your past.

You can tell someone you trust, you can call a complete and utter stranger on a distress line.

You can talk to your phyisician and say 'hey doc? I've been feeling really crappy lately, can you suggest an anti-depressant until I get out of this ditch?. Anti depressants don't have to be for life. 1 in 5 is diagnosed with depression or another mental illness at some point in their lifetime.

Join a health club, take up a hobby, volunteer with habitat for humanity. put on your favourite cd and dance like an idiot, Hug a teddy bear, beat the snot out of a pillow. But, while you're doing these other things, don't use them to take your focus OFF your problems, use them to focus the negative energy into something positive.

You think I'm a shrink preaching don't you? If I've managed to keep you this far you deserve to see this. All of that crappy stuff you saw above the abuse, the foster homes, etc? Those are *all* experiences from my own life, and that's not the half of it. But for the first twenty five years (actually ten, because the first 15 don't count) of my life, I *was* the ostrich. I buried my head and kept getting bitten in the butt.

Every time I got into a new relationship I discovered I still hurt. I'm still learning to trust people, but it wasn't until I started writing letters, going to counselling, punching pillows, and being willing to work through the pain that I began to become the person I am today. Still a bit off from where I want to be, but getting there.