In the UK there has been a tendancy in schools to move away from competitive sport.  How much of that was because somebody decided that losing was too traumatic for delicate little petals, and how much was because there wasn't enough time or money to fit it into the curriculum or pay teachers to coach after school on top of everything else they are asked to do, is perhaps a debatable point. Anyhow, the upshot is that sports days became farcical with Little Timmy and Darling Jemima running simultaneously in circles without a start or finish line and all getting a sticker for participating.

Now, as you can tell I am not a huge fan of this approach to sport.  Neither however am I a huge fan of the over competitive alpha male soccer Dad on the touchline bellowing abuse at his beleagured try-hard son, whose best efforts will never be good enough for his fathers own thwarted aspirations.  Or the pushy uber-Moms whose own self esteem is wrapped up in Darling-Felicity's achievements as a gymnast.

Surely there must be a middle way?

There is a middle way, but it is paved with landmines which can cause you to become one of those parents referred to above. So here is the guide to staying sane and raising happy healthy sport-loving children.

• Remember the main reason to do a sport, any sport. Sport is good for you!

1. It is healthy to be active. By finding a sport that kids enjoy you keep them physically active. This not only keeps them fitter and reduces the chances of them becoming obese and the associated health problems which that entails, you are also setting up a model of behaviour for their adult life. What better gift as a Mom can you give your kids?
2. Sport is socially healthy too It is good to mix with other people, to work as a team or to share an experience together. Some kids thrive in a team sport environment, others do far better at an individual sport. However whatever the sport all kids get somethign out of a club or communal environment. They can gain a lot from watching older kids working and training hard, and learn a lot about applying themsleves and how to conduct themselves. They can also find the sports club to be a welcome release from problems at school. I know teenage girls who have chosen to invite their diving club friends who come from all over the city to their party, rather than their school friends, because the school has become a negative bitchy environment. Sports friends, if separate from school sport, share something in common but have space from one another too. Very useful in those troublesome teens.
3. Sport is fun! Or at least it should be. If it isn't then it is time to try something else. In my view all kids should be active, but noone should be forced to play a sport they hate. The conversation should be 'you need to do something active - which of these activities would you like to try?' rather than forcing a reluctant swimmer into the pool, or making a kid who can't catch play basketball. There are hundreds of different sports out there, and there is a good reason for that. People come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. So Mrs AlphaMom down the road has potential Olympic althletes in her family - good for her, cheer them on, and ask for tickets when they get selected, but then take a good long step back. What sorts of things does your child enjoy - no, not what you want them to enjoy, what do they really like? What are their physical strengths? My eldest son is an enthusiastic but pretty average long distance runner, because he is built for explosive sports - he is so solid, all muscle... And it turns out what he really loves is springboard diving. Number two son is wiry and well-balanced, and he loves soccer and rugby. Horses for courses as they say...

 So, if all kids are built differently it follows that different kids will want to do different sports, So you need to be prepared to think outside the box to find a happy match between your child and an active lifestyle.

Lets be practical too - if your kid is a talented diver, but there is no diving pool for two hours drive, then either move house or think about trampolining or gymnastics - life's too short to spend it all in the car.  If we are trying to promote a happy and healthy active life choice here, then the kid would be better off hanging out round the street on his bike for two hours than sat in a car seat playing on the DS. Similarly some sports are unfortunately much more expensive than others.  If keeping ponies, or racing yachts is outside your budget (as it is mine) then maybe better not to start looking at those options.

It is often the case that the big ticket sports are the ones that have all the money to put into coaching programmes in schools and for kids, so they seem the obvious choice.  If soccer, swimming, rugby, tennis,cricket or whatever your school offers is right for your child and a fun and positive environment, then count your blessings, thank your lucky starts and happily notice the reduction in your carbon footprint as a result.

Having said that, don't forget all the minority sports.  They have a lot to offer and are very welcoming as they can be delighted to have new participants.  What about fencing, archery, karate, judo, water polo, lifesaving, cycling?  Think lateral.  Your child might be the next pole vault champion - or just as importantly they might be the next pole vault enthusiast...  You wont know unless you investigate.

 Ok, now this is the controversial bit.  Does winning matter?

Well, I think trying to win matters.  Sport is by its nature a competitive activity - you are trying to perform at a level that is better than the other people doing it, and/or at a level better than you have managed previously. So I think doing sport half heartedly or with a poor attitude is unacceptable.  Does that mean you have to win all the time?  No - of course not.  You learn a huge amount both about your sport and about yourself if you don't win.  Having said that, I do not think it is acceptable to play sport in an environment where you lose all the time either.  A classic example of this is the soccer team where the best kids play in the A team and win every week.  The other kids play in the B team and get hammered 14-0 every saturday.  What are we teaching here about enjoyable sport?

If your child is winning everything then you might be advised to speak to the coach and make sure they are at the right level.  It can be very gratifying for a coach to have a winner on their hands, but their job should be to develop the whole person.

Similarly if your child is losing every time another discussion might be called for.  Is there another group they could play in?  Have they been moved ahead to soon? Would they be happier in a different environment?  Is losing treated positively?  How does the child feel about it?

 You don't have to win to enjoy what you do.  You do have to enjoy what you do to win.

It is perfectly acceptable to do a sport you love that you are less good at, rather than a sport you are gifted in, but don't enjoy.  Life is too short for a child to spend 20 hours a week training at an activity they don't like.  Let them be a kid - an active kid, and a happy healthy kid.  That way they may have a chance to be a life winner, not just a sports winner.

It is the child who is the sportsperson - not you. If you want to compete, go find your own sport.

They must do their sport for themselves, and not for your approval.  They are the same person before and after the swimming assessment, athletics trial, football match.  Your love for them should be constant and reflect this.

The coach is the expert, not you.  Listen to yourself - are you sounding like a coach? If you think you know better than the coach, then find a professional you have confidence in and then defer to them. If you can't manage that, then get yourself a coaching qualification and offer your time in a positive way - preferably to kids other than your own!

Celebrate the personal best even more than the 'winning'.  If a child has done their best and done something they have never managed before (even if a hundred other kids did better) that is an enormous personal triumph and it should be acknowledged.  Once you have mastered this, then try to celebrate the achievements of other kids as much as your own.  That way you know you truly have some perspective on the sport and appreciation of the efforts of others.

Listen to your kids.  Sport teaches them huge life lessons and gives fantastic maturity.   They can teach us a lot.  My eldest son (age 8) had a mental block doing inward dives after hitting the board (don't blame him - I wouldn't do it for love nor money), and I was trying to encourage him with promises of treats etc. 'It's no good Mummy', he said 'It won't make me do it, it will just make it even nicer when I'm finally ready'.  So right. 

And do I manage all this?  Not always, but mostly I hope. And I'm trying.

Enjoy your sport. Enjoy your kids.