Several days ago, after reading Pest's latest saga, and laughing my ass off, I recognized that all the while I was laughing I was also thinking about the tragedies life throws at us. Yes, my brain works that way; it's bisubgual (more than 1 subject at a time?). Oh, I suppose that's true of most of us; that's why we're able to go to funerals and laugh, and why we're able to sit across the desk from a boss who is telling us we're worthless pieces of crap, agree with him, all the while thinking, "You rotten, stinking s.o.b., I'd love to pick up your gold Cross pen and write 'dumb fuck' on your forehead."--or worse.

So I went downstairs and began talking to my daughter and we were cracking up because we have that kind of rapport unless I do something of which she disapproves. Katie is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, displays many of the symptoms, but the other half of her genetic makeup is of the I-don't-care-how-much-I-love-you-I'll-kick-your-ass-if-you-ever-do-that-again variety. I've never known her to become physically violent with anyone, but she makes you believe she's capable, so her words are just as effective.

I, on the other hand, am of the I-can't-do-this-anymore-and-if-the-world-doesn't-like-it-they-can-kiss-my-ass variety, So the pain I was feeling over my cousins loss of her son led me straight into a bottle of wine we had sitting around the house. It's amazing how brave I am when I decide to say "Fuck You!" to the world and do anything I damn-well please, but how miserably sorry I am when the drunk wears off. This time wasn't too bad; not nearly as bad as the days when I drank Scotch. This time I only told my daughter's sperm donor what a rotten s.o.b. he is and tried to tell his wife--she hung up on me. She's either smarter than I am or dumber than I am. One thing's for sure--she's not a drunk.

Fence-mending for the alcoholic is such a miserable business. Part of his mind wants to go on his merry drunken way with his middle fingers up in the air the whole time, and the other part wants desperately to behave the way he believes non-alcoholic society behaves. Some alcoholics don't seem to understand that the non-alcoholic copes with major problems like death and heartache without the use of temporary pain relievers. The alcoholic's behavior is as cowardly as the suicides in some peoples' opinions and he's such an egomaniac that he assumes everyone will forgive him for the worst behavior--much like children. I remember a wonderful Betty Davis line from All About Eve. Margo was apologising to her friend for her fits of temper and she said something about immature behavior and said babies would "get drunk if they knew how." That always cracked me up.

It was nice to be at the memorial service with family who understand me, love me, are NOT alcoholics but know that I'm one. The departed was an alcoholic. They won't know for quite some time exactly what killed him, but damn it, he was only 25. I so very much DID NOT want to go to that service, but I'm so glad I did. My wonderful aunt and cousin, who see me rarely, cried with me and said they knew this was going to be hard for me. HARD FOR ME!! Can you imagine?! This tiny woman just lost her 25 year-old son and she felt sorry for me. Well, when we go see her tonight maybe I can cook dinner for her or clean her bathroom. I probably won't have to because she is surrounded by crowds of friends and family who are distracting her. Of course, they can't be with her at all times and those private times must be hellish for her. She has a pretty good relationship with God, though, and has certainly been through enough tragedy over the years that if any of it was going to kill her she'd be dead by now.

She said something to us that I will pass on to whoever reads this. She said that in recent times it had become more important than ever in her family to say, "I love you." She said she was glad they'd developed that habit because it was the last thing she said to her son before he died. "I love you and I'll see you later." And she knows she will see him later as I know I'll see my brother another time. But we laughed a lot together before we left the church and will laugh some more tonight at her house. According to everything I heard from people who knew him well, her son would want us to laugh and never cry.