Here it is 2009, and many folks still are not comfortable with the use of the phrase "mental health" and "codependency". Some people don't even know what it really means to have a mental health problem or to be codependent. Many years ago, while going through a personal crisis myself in an Ozark rural town of Missouri, I encountered my first need for a mental health practitioner. Now, after twenty plus years of therapy, group sessions, and reading many books published on the topics of things like Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Child Abuse, Bonding Issues, Traumatic Divorce and Codependency, I have come to a place where the talk of 'mental health' is quite comfortable for me. However, even those closest to me are still uncomfortable with the notion of 'therapy' and still believe that if you need it, well, you just must be crazy or something!

In many mid-west and southern communities, religion is usually the sole solution for problems in ones life. Being a very religious and spiritual person myself, I know that it is God who sees us through any problems in our lives, but He has also put others on this earth to help us with our problems. I think those of us who really want help and seek it out, are the ones who figure that out.

I grew up in a large family with seven siblings, a military father and a hard-working, stay-at-home mom. Mental health was never a topic at our home and certainly 'co-dependent' would have never come up at the dinner table. But, looking back, many of us were exactly that.....co-dependent of my father's alcoholism. We didn't know it then, but, even if we had the slightest idea that we needed help, we still wouldn't have taken it or went out to find it, because of that same problem of being thought of as an abnormal person if you needed to see a 'shrink'.

It's odd that it takes so many years for most people to realize they need mental health help. Sometimes it takes a real tragic event in our lives for us to see the need is real. This was true for me when I went through a very traumatic divorce. Therapy actually saved my life! And, now, today, it sustains me.

Moving back to the Ozarks, now in my mid fifties, and after being gone for nineteen years to California, I can see so many people still stuck in the same life-cycle as their parents were. No changes or amount of learning has created a better life for them. The life-cycle of dysfunction has affected many even in my own family, and some of my close friends. You have an alcoholic parent, who was controlling and abusive, and before long, you will most likely be that way yourself, or watch a sibling become like that parent. What makes it even worse, is to then watch the next generation keep the same cycle going......dysfunctional and co-dependent.

Do you know what it means to be co-dependency? Well, let me tell you in words that are easy to understand, and remember, I'm no expert, just a product of many years of therapy and learning about my life throught the use of it.

Being co-dependent is what you are if you live with, or are involved with a person in any way, who has a mental disorder or dysfunction, or an addiction of any kind, or a physical disability, and, it affects you so that your behavior changes...or your rational thinking changes....mostly because you are trying to deal with that person, or 'fix them'. Yes, you become the one who suffers right along with them as if you too were affected by their ailment. In a sense, you are. If you parent is an addict, and abuses you physically and/or verbally, you may try to change that person. You may find yourself doing things you wouldn't normally do to please them so that maybe they would change to a "normal" behavior for you. Well, we usually can't see it ourselves, but we will never change the person with the problem. We sure had better get some help for ourselves, or we will have the same problem in time.

I personally witnessed this with one of my children, my daughter. She was always a kind and loving person. She wasn't perfect, but for the most part was a very good person. She began dating a man who was an alcoholic, and a drug user. She spent hours talking with him and felt she could help him get 'well'. She began to have feelings for him and they eventually moved in together. He was very abusive to her, physically and mentally, when he was drinkiing. He was a very kind man and every body's friend when he was sober and clean. But, one drink, or sometimes, one use of a street drug, and he became a very unhappy and abusive person. She was sure if she loved him enough she could change him. And even though he was mean to her from time to time throughout their relationship, she still stayed with him, believing she could see the 'better side of him' and that something she could do would make that side more prevalent. They eventually married and had two children together. Marriage, children, great paying jobs, new homes, cars, everything they wanted, they had........except for changing his behavior. He had been in and out of rehab several times, as well as jail. They even sought out therapy, but, he was not honest with the therapist, and she would not challenge him in the session. After 6 years together, she finally realized she had become 'co-dependent' and her behavior had now changed. Her calm and kind demeanor had changed. She was always frustrated and suffered from anxiety, depression, anger, and insomnia. She told lies to everyone to cover for him. She lied to his parent, his boss, his friends and family. He belittled her when he was drinking so much that it had brought a very positive person down to someone with a very low self-esteem. Finally, she left him and felt they had come to a mutual agreement that they would live their lives apart. He was internally devastated that she left, but wouldn't admit so. Within a short period of her leaving, he, in a very intoxicated state, took his own life. Now, his wife had to deal with feelings of guilt and shame. Thank goodness she realized just how much her life had changed for him and because of his problems. She knew in her head she wasn't at fault, but in her heart it was hard not to feel guilt. She sought out therapy and after only a few sessions, she began to let go of the co-dependent person she was with her husband, and start back on track to being herself. She's her old self again and has found joy once more in life.

Many people that I see on a weekly basis live in much the same way my daughter did. It wasn't until after he died, that she saw even more how much he too lied to her. She found hidden empty bottles of liquor around her house and yard which proved that even after an expensive in-house rehab program, he was not well. He needed intense mental health intervention and he also needed to be the one who wanted to have it, not just because his wife wanted him to go....and he just couldn't, or wouldn't make that stand. I think many people are like that. Some however, are lucky enough to realize and see that there is a problem with themselves, and seek out mental health practioners to help them. They are not afraid to take medications if so indicated by a doctor or therapist. They are the ones who will break the cycle of a disfuncitonal family life.

Oftentimes when a person realizes that they have been co-dependent, they go into a type of depression, thinking how horrible it was that they let themselves get into that category. There you have it......now you suffer from a mental illness too. Depression is probably the most common mental illness. Some folks will just say they have the 'blues'. Some will seek out alcohol or drugs to make the feelings caused by depression go away, but that fix is short lived.

After I became a single parent, divorcing my husband at 28 years old, I too suffered major depression and feelings of wanting to end my life. My husband came home one night and told me he enjoyed sexual pleasures shared with another man more than with me. I was destroyed, mentally and spiritually. I sunk into a terrible dark depression. As quickly as I became depressed, I also was thinking about what I could do to "fix him". I loved him and wanted him to love me enough to not have these terrible un-natural feelings. But that didn't happen. I filed for divorce immediately after leaving him, but God knows I wanted him to say it was all a mistake and that we'd get back together as if nothing ever happened. But, that doesn't happen either. Once something as traumatic as that comes into your life, you cannot go backwards.....you must go forward. You must choose to change it or correct it, if possible. However, in actuality, you didn't cause it, so you cannot change it or correct it. The changes had to come from my ex-husband. Even if he did change his desires, even if he had the capability to do so, your life is somewhat damaged, broken, and even glue cannot hide the crack. Many of us turn to God in a time like this, as I did, but thank God I also turned to a friend who suggested I see a therapist. Some people would have turned to alcohol, which I did for a while, and others to drugs, gambling, acting out sexually or even becoming a criminal. None of these will help the situation. Nope, the only hope for me and for others in like situations is to seek out a mental health provider and be willing to work to the fullest with them to become well again.

If you go to a therapist, wellness coach, or a mental health counselor, you probably won't know how to feel or what to say at first. That will come with their help. The main thing is not to stop until they feel it's time. A good therapist will be able to see where you need help if you are honest and open with them. If you go there and just sit, dont' contribute, or lie about your feelings and thoughts, then you're wasting your time. Don't let someone else rob you of your mental health. Seek out help and become mentally stable. Once I began to get therapy for my depression, other mental health issues surfaced. I had to deal with the fact that I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That was really hard for me. But, I soon learned I wasn't alone, and that there was and is help for me. Seeking out help with a professional can sometimes feel like you've opened the dam of the mental-health flood gates. Then, you have issues to deal with that may have been kept up inside you for years........like the fear of that alcoholic parent you grew up with, which now you will come to understand why you picked and married the type of man you did. You may have the need to be nurtured. You may need to feel loved more by a spouse than you got from that parent who suffered a mental illness. It will feel very strange to acknowledge those feelings once they come up. Mental health professionals can help you deal with those feelings.

In a way, I think I felt guilty to say that as a child, I didn't get enough love from my father. But those feelings may have had alot to do with the man I picked to marry.

I met and married a man who I thought loved me and would take care of me. My husband was a 'take charge' kind of guy and ran every aspect of our household. Little did I know the reason he did that was so he could cover up his indiscretions without me questioning anything he did. I was just so ga-ga in love, or at least I believed I was, that I never saw any problem coming. And, then after my divorce, I still chose me who were abusive......until I was brave enough to share that with my therapist and work on changing the way I felt about myself. I had to realize that I was worthy of a good person in my life, because I was a good person too. I didn't believe that for many years and that contributed a lot to my low self-esteem problems.

Don't let the stigma of 'mental health' hold you back from getting the help you so deserve and may need desperately. I am certain some of my family members think that I am 'weird' becuase I have had years of therapy and still have a therapist. I think everyone should see a therapist in their lifetime. It can be a real help, and a great eye-opening experience. It can help you through some very difficult times in your life. Most of us suffer losses in our lives at various levels. Loss of a loved one of course can be very damaging to our mental health, but also the loss of a job, a friend, or even moving away from someplace you lived for a long time and had many attachments to, can bring on the need for someone to help you deal with each event.

As we age, there is the loss or our physicall abilities to do certain things. These, and many other situations in life warrent mental health help. I once read that Mental Health is a commitment to reality at all times and the greater sense we have of ourselves the clearer our life will be.  So, believe in yourself and know you can face anything.  There are others in this world who can help you through anything.

If you need help, or even think you need just a little bit of help, call someone in your town or city now. Don't let mental health issues ruin your life and affect the lives of others around you or in your family. Break the life-cycle of disfunction or addiction. My neighbors and friends in Missouri, come up to the 21st century and break the silence and stigma that seeking help for mental health is a bad thing. It's all good, and God will be right there to help you along the path. It's been my great experience that my therapists over the past 20 years have offered me as much spiritual help as mental health help. I don't think one works without the other. What do you think?