Life with bipolar disorder
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Books on Bipolar Disorder
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The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know
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Break the Bipolar Cycle: A Day-by-Day Guide to Living with Bipolar Disorder
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Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families (2nd Edition)
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Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder
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Bipolar Disorder: The Ultimate Guide
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Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder: A 4-Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability
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Living with bipolar disorder is not easy. I should know I live with it. When my friends and family see me, even my closest ones, they say to me, "trust me you are not bipolar." It does irritate me to an extent because they don't know how much I struggle daily.
I never try to understand someone with bipolar disorder because the only "true" thing about it is, it is not the same for everyone who has it. Some people are more manic, other more depressed. We can be completely hyper one moment and ready to kill ourselves the next.
When I was a kid I remember being in the hospital or talking to people about my behavior. "What is wrong with you?" My folks would ask, like a broken record, and I would say, "I don't know". This was the truth then, and it is still the truth now. "Why can't you be like the other kids?" Do you know what that feel like to a kid? Really, do you know what it is like?
You start you life thinking there is something wrong with you, and it never seems to end, there is something wrong with me. I changed my mind the last time I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. I got lucky that time because it really could have been the end.
A lot of people do not know what this feels like. You don't know how it feels to have an almost literal cloud come over your eyes and the tears pour out without hesitation and the pain is so real that you want to die.
You feel like the most worthless human on the planet and back it up with, but I am so beautiful, how come they don't love me, what did I do? Am I not good enough, how come those people are loved and I am not? These series of thoughts go on and on until you finally come to the conclusion that you are worthless and to make it better, not just to make the pain inside yourself stop, but to stop hurting the world, you think it is better that I just die.
(now don't be alarmed those days are behind me)
The last time I tried, I had no intentions of coming back. I said my peace, talked it out with God or what have you. So I did it, a big giant bottle of pills, some alcohol and laid down. Just my luck I woke up to incredible chest pain. I must not have taken enough, but I was scared. I thought, shit it wasn't supposed to be like this, but it was and it hurt.
I was a blob, I had no control over my body, It took what I had left to pick up the phone, and yes, the thoughts still went through my head. "They are gonna be so mad at me, they are gonna say it was a cry for help, they are gonna not want to give me help at the hospital because if my life wasn't worth it to myself, then it is hardly worth it to them.
Like a bad movie, it was like that. They said I never spoke a word, though I thought I was responding. I could hear what they were saying. I heard the fireman whose hand I tried to grab for comfort remove his hand like I was some diseased human. I heard them say, "oh another one, just looking for attention."
So while I lay in the ambulance watching the turn lights blink, counting them to know I was still alive, drinking charcoal and thinking about every breath I was taking. The paramedic is there to do her job, yet she doesn't care. She talks as if I cannot hear.
She says things like, "it is 'just' another one. "I hate these ones." and "I could be rescuing someone who really needs help." Certainly this may be true, but some things in life are hard for other to understand. To hear these things and to know that everything you though is true, why live? But as they spoke and asked me what my name is, I continued to answer, over and over and over again.
Another medic stands at my feet, I though it was going to be ok, then I realized he was touching my feet, tugging, pulling etc. and I felt nothing. I soon realized that I was not talking and only five minutes had passed. I had forgotten my sorrows when I realized that it was really going to end.
In that moment, my body seized up. I could hear the buzz in my head before the lights went out, and I prayed to God. I said, I am so sorry, I want to live, forgive me please, and do with me what you will God. As the lights faded my last thought was I am sorry.
These stories are not so different from others, and to this day it is hard to swallow, and life still gets hard and I know that my emotions cannot be controlled. I have used the drugs, a variety even which never worked. Maybe they kept me from harming myself because I could hardly do anything at all, but they did not take away the pain I was feeling inside.
But I overcame this. I mean, I still live with it but I do other things when I feel that way like I stay away from alcohol when I am manic. While I don't seem to have any problems when I am manic, I am well aware now that some of the things I have done are dangerous, while funny, they are not safe.
My cure, hopefully this will help other who live with this as well...my cure comes from the inside. My cure when I start to get those thoughts are: I am beautiful, I can change the world and it was never me. There is nothing wrong with me, there is something wrong with the world.
The world lacks the love and love is always the cure. I cannot say that it will ever really feel better inside, but I know that it is not me and so I hope that you can know this too.
Maybe some jerks will still say, "you're a copout and a quitter" etc. but know that I know how you feel and I love you and I have never felt hate in my own heart, only sorrow for the lack of love that is given to others and myself.
To this day my friends do not believe me, except just a couple, actually just two because what was lacking inside was a belief that I am something and worth something.
People still chose to be mean, I have been beaten up, I have been raped, I had someone put a gun to my head, I have been spit on, I have been called a million names, I have been told no one will ever love me and I have been denied by the people who say they love me the most. For someone with bipolar disorder, these were the only things I could remember because that is what happens in the bp brain.
Circular thoughts that come to no avail, over and over and over agian. I know, I live with it, I do it everyday. But I learned that it was not me and now I know it is not even them, I just tell myself, that is not the answer and I laugh and I cry when I need to and I just live and I make myself feel differently by doing it.
When I am sad, even when I do not feel like it, I get my ass off my couch and turn on some music and I dance. After a little bit it makes me feel better. When I just can't snap out of it, I go outside for a walk. Sometimes I still have to keep people near just in-case. I talk to people, I tell people what I think all the time now because if I don't have a voice then those thoughts sit inside until they eat me up.
Bipolar disorder is very real. No one will ever understand it but don't look down on someone who is depressed or seemingly out of their minds. They are not crazy, and if people would stop telling them there is something wrong with them, then maybe a manic person wouldn't become depressed because we have an incredible and at times uncontrollable urge to do things, like speak loud, to dance like a weirdo, to buy things for no apparent reason, to jump up and down to let the energy out. It is just how we are.
Just tell people how you are feeling when you feel it, they may not understand but at least they can try and if they don't like you for it, then it only because they don't understand.
To this day I still ask God, why did you make me like this and some questions cannot be answered with medicine, or science. They just can't, but if you don't believe that I love you, then believe that God does and if you don't believe that, then believe someone does.
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Comments
This is beyond the scope of my knowledge and experience. I can only say that I wish the best for you and commend you for the courage it took to write this Hub.
Sandra - what a touching hub! The thing is, there's nothing wrong with you. It's the world that creates these boxes and if you don't fit in, you're left out. I've been with the most wonderful children who have had labels thrust upon them - schizophrenic, dyslexic, bipolar - conditions exist, yes - but the differences have to be dealt with, not labeled as something that is wanting or undesirable.
Pray that your hub will be an inspiration to many to realise that it does not mean the end of hope to be different. And yes, love erases the differences - wish there was more love and less lecturing and labelling in the world! The lack, if any, is with the rest of the world, not with you!
I agree with ColdWarBaby, and beyond that, I know that God has a purpose in the way he has created all of us. I'm thankful you're still alive today, and I know that everyone who hears your story is blessed by you still being alive too.
I also suffer from Bipolar. The onset was after I developed PTSD and returned home from the war. I know how you feel with people not believing you, that's one of the hardest things to deal with at first. Now I don't care if people believe me. I don't even tell them. I've just recently been diagnosed and it was the end of the world and a huge relief at the same time because I knew that all of the horrible things I had done (after the war) wasn't my fault. It was the fault of all the doctors giving me antidepressants for 3 years and not believeing, or ignoring the symptoms I was clearly reporting to them. I shot into mania every year (spring time). I wish I had the euphoric pasrt, but I have the irritable rage instead, sucks.
Your farting hub really cheered my up the other day. It was the first time I laughed without drugs in a long time. So thank you. I spread the cheer to others, giving you props, in a Hub that I published when I was feeling like shit; http://hubpages.com/hub/Stupid-Life
I admire the way you've pulled yourself together. I know of the daily struggle you speak of and it appears that you are managing it very well. I'm the furthest thing from being religious, but I've figured out that accepting yourself and finding your inner peace is what it's all about.
Thanks again for publishing such an honest Hub :)
Well done for being so brave and open about your problem. As someone who suffers from normal depression I feel this hub will be a great comfort to those who are where you have been, and realise they are not the only ones.
Misha :) you always make me smile.
CWB and TI- thanks.
SK- I have worked with kids with the labels as well and they are so fantastic when someone is not breathing down their throats about their behavior. I was subbing once for the special kids and one of the other teachers had the audacity to talk to me and call them the lowest of the low. All I could think was, Lady if I wasn't at school I would pop you in the mouth.
What is fantastic about these kids is that between one another especially between the ones with less severes conditions to the ones with more severe conditions, they show each other remarkable compassion. The best day I had working with the kids was with a little boy who was extremely aggressive. They had this four year old boy doped up to the point he did not even smile.
Needless to say I became very attached to him. So one day we were in the gym playing and I was pushing or pulling him around in some little car thingy and he smiled. It was breif, but it was a smile. Thanks ST, it really isn't the kids it's the way they are being treated.
Wow Sand box vet and mystyhorizon, it's good to know that some fellow hubbers are also in the same boat and SBV- have you written about PTSD? That is something I don't know much about and I am gonna go and check your hub right now.
Thanks for being so supportive everyone. You're great!
I clicked on the link above, in your website and read more about bipolar stuff. And I think I earned you some credit, well I hope! Thanks for educating me.
You have confirmed my suspicions. I once lived with a woman (x-wife) that was diagnosed with BP. She was very violent and dangerous to others and to herself. She attempted suicide twice in the ten years we were married. She tried to stab me a few times and when she didn't succeed she would cut herself and call the law and you can probably figure out the end to that story. She brought most of this on herself with the consumption of too much alcohol, on a daily basis.
I believe we are all bipolar to a certain degree, some of us have a little more control over the symptoms. Sandra, you are a child of the most high God, He loves you, and there is nothing too big for God, not even the bipolar condition. My suggestion is that you ask God to draw you closer to Him and ask Him for the ability to draw yourself closer to Him. He promises that if we draw closer to Him then He in turn will come closer to us. He has already defeated the devil 2,000 years ago up on a cross at Calvary. I live in the joy of the Lord every day of my life and there is nothing on this earth that even comes close to it.
Have no fear of the darkness and do not be afraid of the night. For where ever there is a shadow. There must also be LIGHT.
Step into the light..................LuvYa.......S.S.
Gosh S.S, that sucks! I have been violent myself, but never to another person, mostly beating sticks across a wall or something and throwing plates at the floor. lol.
You know, though most that chose to call me a liar and such don't get that God was the source of my healing, but I had to find him on the inside first because I wasn't finding him outside. Not to be a buttface or anything but I think most Christains are really representing Chirst poorly. It is a shame. I really do believe that if people did show thier genuine love for each other the same as Christ that people like us or people in general wouldn't be the way we are. Course something are just the way they are.
Thanks for such kind words and being such a super duper human. Love you S.S. :)
Well my dear quite a story you have...and what a strong wonderful woman you have become..Life is a hard road to live and with extra problems it certainly becomes more difficult..As I grew up I also had no self esteem..but fortunately God was in my heart..and though I did fail at being a Nun after 1 1/2 yrs. I became a better person with much more understanding of the world and life...
I too have had my bad days..wishing to die..wanting to die..but too scared to do anything...We all need to trust in ourselves and if we can't love ourself ...how can we truly love anyone else? You seem very well in love and are very much a saint in your own way..Thank you for such an enlightening hub..G-Ma :o) hugs
GmaJ, here ya go, gonna make me cry again. :) Your so sweet and you have so many stories. I am glad your not a nun though cause you seem like too much fun to be cooped up somewhere not living like the rest of us. :)
Hugs back!
Ps. not saying nuns are bad though. :)
I agree with SS, it also confirms my suspicions and explains a whole lot. My mother-in-law also has BD. She has taken bottles of pills countless times in attempted suicide attempts. She likes being manic, so when she gets there, she stops taking her meds. It's very frustrating for the family to have to deal with. If she would take her meds as the doctors says, she wouldn't go into the manic or depressive states. She's never been manic or depressed if she takes the meds like she should. She just alters them to get the effect she wants. She gets really 'religious' too when she's in either the manic or depressive state. I say 'religious' because it's nothing that comes from the Bible, it's just a lot of talking out of her head and contradiciting herself and contradicting thing's the Bible says. That's one of the signs we watch for to know when she's off her meds. When I worked, I worked on a Phych unit. I worked with a lot of people with BD. Most of the work was to get them on the meds they needed and work through their problems and educate the family about the disease. My mother-in-law tends to write a whole lot and a lot is poetry and songs. Mostly sad or mean-spirited. The patients I had though didn't do that. Also, she tends to blame everything she does that's not right on her disease, never taking any responsiblity. The patients on the unit were not like that. They took responsiblity and looked for ways to better their lives. I was glad to see them be able to go home and live productive lives and be happy with those lives. My mother-in-law is more of a day to day thing. Some people tend to not want to try to get help. I don't know why that is. Thankfully, most do want help and are thankful to get it.
Sandra: My eyes got wet, can't help it. You do come across as a very beautiful person, not only physically but on a spiritual level. Have seen your conversations in the forums since I joined Hubpages.
I have come across a therapy modality called Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT http://www.emofree.com/ The video on the left is worth watching. I have ordered books on EFT from Amazon to learn about this.
Thanks for sharing and giving me a little more understanding of this condition.
Good day Sandra
I think I just wanted to say that the crucible that doesn't finish you up , strengthen you instead.
you personality would be better now than many who haven't had this kind of experience.
best regards
Thanks M!
Violetsun I think I will check it out. I actually laughed a little cause the link says emo-free, which is sorta an inside joke. I will check it out tomorow right now I am beat, but I look forward to hearing more from you and what you have to say.
Thank you. hugs
What a nice hub you have. Somehow a bit I can relate, sometimes when I'm too depressed I was thinking that I am not worthy and I don't know why I was thinking of this kind of stuffs. I feel weird and think weird to myself sometimes, but as the days go on and I really stick to God's side it eventually evaporated though sometimes it occurs but at least it is never like from the previous once...Thanks for your great hub, you inspired your readers how beautiful life is if we live with it to the fullest!!!
WOW ~ are you twins separated by another life time.
I Am Bipolar I and you are pretty much living like me!
hey mutha5- I guess it would be more like millzuplettes! lol.
sheezze3085- Glad to hear that you have found your cure too.
Keep strong, live long, love yourself and it will come along.
When it is ruff when it is good, we behave like we feel we should.
Something is wrong, something is right, and everyday we put up a fight.
We battle it out with all our might at the end of the day, we know we'll be alright.
Thanks guys!
Sandra, thank you for sharing this very honest and open account of your life! I can relate to some of your experiences as I have a tendency towards being a depressive (although a lot better now than when I was much younger) and I have several good friends who are diagnosed as bipolar. Just wanted to let you know!
Beautiful Hub. Made me cry, made me think, made me remember, made me realize how important life is, to all of us. Thank you for sharing a very important chapter of your life. One that few would be willing to share. But by sharing it, maybe some others will better understand what is happening in their own life.
Bill
Thanks Bard it is always good for me to know that I am not alone. :)
Bill thanks for being so understanding. I hope for those things too. :)
Sandra - just to reinforce what VioletSun said - EFT is a wonderful non-invasive easy-to-follow technique that just puts the body back in balance. It's helped so many people I know - and kids find it fun to do too.
As more research is being done (though not enough in my opinion) - there seem to be results emerging that point to these conditions occurring due to deficiencies or allergies. Too simplistic? What if that was all it was - and we were treating it with complex, strong drugs with side effects? That would indeed be tragic!
Sandra - just wanted to agree with Violetsun and Shalini. I've also seen some good results with EFT, and I have also used it to good effect with some of my hypnotherapy clients.
I have a friend with bi-polar, and it's truly a rollercoaster way of living. I hope that things keep improving for you.
Hi, thanks Shangili and Amanda,
It's good to know that if I need to find another outlet that I have one a natural one, noless.
I don't like the drugs, I don' think it is Ok to alter someones brain and that doing so does more damage than good in the long run...other chemical dependancies, the lack of motivation that comes naturally, liver and kindney damage and yet another psycological side effect that "I need this to be normal" defeats the purpose of the bp condition. Plus, why on Earth would anyone want to be just like everyone else?
I understand a lot of the things we do effect our way of life sometimes negitivly but certainly life wouldn't feel any better on the inside knowing that it isn't yourself that is healing yourself....
It's sort of like breast implants making you feel better about yourself. People may like you better because you got these big nice looking boobs or something but they like something that is not you.
In the long run, like I said, it has other phycalogical problems because if the bp mind isn't healed, one day you wake up after all your years of "happiness" and realize that they loved you for being just like everyone else or being ideal to what other people want and not for what you are and no matter how much treatment you get, when the bp mind acknowledges this...
The first thing we would want to do is die because we never healed and we are back in the same boat of self loathing etc...
Truely the most important thing the bp person can do is learn to love themselves and that is the biggest challenge. :)
This is beautifully written. I used to suffer rather badly from depression, and although not bipolar, i can completely sympathise with you're point of view, and applaud your bravery for sharing it.
Thanks ejb! :)
Hello, Just wanted to say thankyou for sharing. I have a 17 year old daughter with bipolar disorder and this has given me some insight that maybe she herself could not put into words. I will remember your thoughts as I talk to her so as not to make her feel as though she were alone or inadequate - again, thank you. May God bless you
I am so glad grayson248. She should be very proud to have a parent like you who wants to take time to understand their children. This makes me very happy! May God bless you as well. :)
I enjoyed your personal story. I too am bipolar and have a daughter just recently diagnosed with bp as well. It is a tough life and I can empathize with having a disorder that people don't understand and don't believe is real. For those of us living with it, it is most definitely real.
Yeah I know Bailey. It does at times make it that much harder to handle and sometimes it sucks that they still think there is a magicle cure or that we can fix it on our own or that we just make stuff up but I know it's not true and you know it and there really are lots of people who know it too.
I hope your daughter gets a good handle on it before it does what it has done to the rest of us who didn't know before. I bet she is in good hands with you. Take care and if you ever need to talk just send me an email.
Best wishes.
Sandra, thank you for sharing your story! I have a 20 year old son, who has rapid cycling Bipolar, and I have been trying to get him to journal his thoughts and feelings about what he goes through. He wasn't officially diagnosed until last year, but looking back, he had signs and symptoms from the age of 5. Bipolar does present differently in children than in adults. Puberty seems to accelerate the illness by leaps and bounds! And then add in high school and dating, stress, and self medicating, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I almost wish my son's manic phases were high, happy and creative! But, instead, his manic phases are mixed--he becomes highly voilatile, and will snap into a rage over the slightest thing. He can be very destructive, and mean horrible things can fly out of his mouth as fast as he can think them. Then he dives into a depressive phase--sometime suicidal thoughts. Give him an hour or two, and he will be the kind gentle son I recognize again. But wait!! Another hour or two may go by, and he gets a phone call from his girlfriend who wants to fight about something...and the whole cycle begins again!
Yes, my son suffers greatly from this "Monster", but so do we all as a family.
If anyone reading this is a parent of a child with bipolar, or another mental illness, I created a private membership site just for us. Because, just like no one can imagine how it feels to be bipolar unless you have it yourself, no one but another parent raising a child with a mental illness can know what it's like unless they are living it also.
If you, a parent and need support, or just to know you are not alone, go to http://bipolarmonster.rsitez.com
We are just a family of parents who truly understand!
And, Sandra, if you'd ever like to contribute a story for my Bipolar Monster Support Site, I would love it! Maybe something geared toward parents--something you would have liked your parents to know about your illness while you were growing up.
Send me an email if you're interested!
milly@bipolarmonster.com
May God Bless you richly!
What you described here is just and practical. Life is floating in between depression and excitement of happiness. If we can control ourselves under all circumstances we are truly successful in going through the process of life. In the case failure, it is wise enough to go to a saint person or an elderly person for advice and consolation. No one should lose heart under any circumstances. Thank you for sharing with the happenings of life.
Misha says:
14 months ago
What can I say? I did not know this. I guess. I am trying to recall if you ever mentioned this - and can't. And frankly, I never had a slightest clue - so you managed to conceal this quite successfully, online :)
Not that I knew what BP is anyway :P
And yes, I do believe you love me. And I love you, too, My Goddess ;)