Dating for me is a bit like learning to ride a bike. Previously, with The X, I was riding one of those tandem bikes. I didn’t actually have to know how to ride it because somehow we stayed up and dysfunctionally wobbled forward together. I was the “leg man” doing the heavy work in the back while he hung out up front steering, putting in very little effort, enjoying the ride and the views. The problem came when I wanted to go left and he wanted to put the bike back in the garage and go sit on the couch. So now I’m learning to ride a single bike all on my own. The good news is that I have complete freedom to go anywhere the urge takes me but I’m more likely to fall down a lot as I’m starting out. There are potholes to avoid because you don’t want to get stuck in a rut. I almost avoided that minor obstacle, but took a quick header instead. Good thing I was wearing my helmet!

So now I’m asking myself, “Why am I staying with someone new who obviously isn’t a good match for a long tem relationship?” I guess it’s because I have always been in the back of the bike so I never learned how to steer. Therefore, I feel the need for training wheels to give me a little stability and confidence as I learn how to maneuver around random potholes that seem to clutter up the road. I’m also anticipating those deceptive ones that don’t look like a big deal because they are full of water until you hit it, bottom out, and get all wet. When I see on coming Mac trucks come barreling toward me, these trusty training wheels will have also taught me how to turn quickly off and to venture onto the peaceful green grass so I don’t crash a burn in the process. Needless to say, Jeremy is my training wheels. I just finished reading Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. She explains in the beginning that this is a term of endearment. It’s not meant to be the “office bitch” or the “raving bitch”, it’s just the woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t want, and doesn’t let other people (men) influence her actions and doesn’t go out of her way to impress or chase guys. If they want you, they will pursue, and they are more interested in an independent girl with “an edge” and get turned off by someone who bends over backwards to please. So far, I’ve made a couple of classic mistakes just out of habit from being with someone who was needy and did the same things. I dove head long into it with my eyes closed, divulged too much too soon, I call him (only once a week to set up Saturday night dates, but still, he doesn’t call me except to return my calls), I slept with him too soon, etc. Since I don’t want to attract the same needy person who wants to be taken care of and rescued that is The X, and I don’t want to be used and left, I have to change my strategy. I’m already pulling back with Jeremy. It’ll be interesting to see how he reacts or doesn’t. While I don’t want to play games, I’m realizing that men aren’t necessarily playing games intentionally. Certainly many are, but now that I know what to look for and what not to do, this type of man will go away quickly before I give out too much of myself emotionally or in other ways. If they don’t want me, then I don’t want them. No harm, no foul. However, most men are just clueless and living their lives. It’s not that we can’t figure out what they are thinking, it’s that they don’t think much at all and we over think everything.

Now I can make my mistakes with Jeremy and get many of them over and done with before they will be counted against me in something that could be real. I admit that I will certainly make more mistakes in the future. I just want them to be different ones. Most mistakes are made in the beginning stages of the development of a new skill due to a high learning curve, so I would like to get fully comfortable with my new bike before I take off the training wheels. A small part of me feels badly using him this way, but I’m sure he’s using me in his own way. I’m good with that. He’s still fun to be with, and he thinks I’m funny. Go figure. We have a similar dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I like knowing what he says is real and genuine because he doesn’t couch it in flowery crap to impress or manipulate me. What you see is what you get. And even when he’s being a self proclaimed “dick,” at least he’s genuine (and I grudgingly admit he’s maybe even a little sweet) about it. Now that we have a mutual understanding of what we are and what we’re not, and I know that I can only get just so attached to someone with chemical imbalances to his extent, the stress is gone, and I’m comfortable moving forward (or is it sideways? Can one move sideways with training wheels?) with him. I can just sit back, relax, learn to maneuver around potential potholes, and enjoy getting my ‘tude back. The funny thing is that a lot of what those books describe is what I used to be before The X. Not all of it, certainly, but I know I had an “edge” that he grilled out of me. Maybe that was part of what originally attracted him to me. Who knows. I still had it for a while when we were first together and it was what caused us to almost break up after the first three months. But that’s a story for another blog.

Anyway, I’m rediscovering my ‘tude and really liking it. Evidence? I was in the store the other day feeling pretty damn good about myself and my position in the world when I ran into two married friends from where I used to work. I see them sometimes since their daughter and Meadow are in the same dance class, so they know what’s going on. The husband saw me first and said, “Wow! You look amazing!” And his wife called me radiant and asked, “What is going on?” I replied, “Single life” and smiled.