Living A New Earth Way: When It Gets Hard, A New Earth Discussion Part 22

I struggled and suffered big time for many hours. I catastrophized. I had numerous make-believe conversations which never turned out well. I just couldn’t get my mind around NOT being right. Mostly, I knew that it didn’t matter whether I was right or wrong. I felt trapped, ganged up on and manipulated. I didn’t know what to do. See part 21 for the beginning of this story.

I had given my word to fix something based on substantial deterioration. What I learned was substantial is a relative term and on its definition we did not agree. What to do? What’s the right thing financially, emotionally, relationship wise. And, that wasn’t even the real issue.

Well it’s 24 hours later, and I finally late yesterday afternoon after hours and hours of internal struggle and suffering found a resolution that felt good for me. Neither the story nor the resolution are the keys to what I want to share with you. What I want to tell you which is truly important is my journey implementing Tolle’s living-a-new-earth-way steps.

Claiming that I would accept the situation, the people, and the outcome was relatively easy. Even writing it down was okay. However, actually accepting it on an emotional level was not.

I struggled with the deeper emotions this encounter uprooted

I wrote 3 versions of a letter but each had components of YOU ARE wrong – I AM right.

I believe that they believe that their business in negatively impacted. I declared to myself – If only they would read A New Earth, they’d learn about ego and appearances.

Even though I had mentally accepted their position as true to them and that I will always be wrong in their eyes, it still made me mad on an emotional level.

I went to a NIA (exercise dance) class yesterday. The leader suggested that we dance our movements with a purpose. I danced with a fierce purpose – I punched the air, sliced the air, waived the air away all with the purpose of releasing my pent up emotions.

I wanted to work them out in a safe and appropriate environment. Well, I walked in with my emotions and walked out an hour later still holding onto them. But I sure had a good workout.

Today after a good night’s sleep, I can see my typical pattern

I’m emotional until I’ve come to a total resolution within myself. I tried just to say the words, write the words, but for me right now in my life, that doesn’t work.

I have to truly feel a resolution in my body. Now I will say that I suffered for a few days, but I used to suffer for much longer. Or, I would take a stand that made me right and them wrong. Everyone lost in the end.

I hope that reading a bit about my struggle gives you hope that deciding mentally is step 1. You will then have to bring your emotions into play and that is much harder. The first time you try acceptance, it might be easy – that’s often called beginners luck. For me, I’m good the first time, but the second, third, fourth times are not as easy.

Once I came to an emotional resolution within myself, steps 2 and 3 came easily.

In catastrophizing the situation, I transferred my anger at myself into future pain. How could I forgive myself when the impacts were so overwhelming?

Once I found my emotional center…

I clearly saw this catastrophizing for what it was (future-tripping) and could let it go and forgive myself for not being perfect.

The fact that I could mentally look through was good even though it complicated the who's-right issue. I was being aware. I knew that each of our egos was very masterful at selective perception and distorted perception as Tolle says.

But, it was this awareness that gave me courage to continue my internal struggle to reach a resolution that I felt was respectful to both parties. Awareness is key.

So, when you don’t feel very aware, say an affirmation or a prayer or whatever you call it … asking to be willing to be aware, or even to be willing to be willing to be aware.

Believe me I’ve been in all three places.