Millions of Americans live below the poverty line. My children and I are among these masses. I do realize that there are people around the world who are in much worse shape than my family. I am greatful for what I do have. I try to instill an appreciation for simple things into my children. In many ways one could say that we are rich with gratitude. We are not starving to the point of emaciation. My daughter has toys and clothes, used, but she has them none the less. My son has a dvd player that he has fixed on several occasions. My sister bought us a television.

I do however have a very difficult time paying my bills. We do not eat out or partake in any outside entertainment what so ever. All of my money goes to bills. I have cleaned houses off and on for almost 20 years now. I, like many of my fellow desperate Americans, took a title loan out on my van. That eventually led to me not having a van or a means to get to work. I no longer live in the city because I could not afford the high rent. Where I live there is no public transportation.

 I have tried frantically to find work online. I have joined the countless suckers that have fallen for the 'send me $$$ and I'll make you rich' scams that are in no short supply. I have spent my bill money in hopes of finally getting ahead. It didn't take me long and thankfully not too much money to learn what I have known all along; If it sounds too good to be true then it is! It saddens me that there are vultures that prey on the naive among us.

 I thankfully now have a landlord that is sympathetic to my situation and has chosen to not evict me despite my continued delinquency in rent payments. I have every intention of finding a way to make money and pay my bills. I do not have the option of becoming depressed and crawling into bed for days. I have always said that depression is a luxuruy only afforded to those more fortunate among us. So I strive on, grasping at straws.

 I have tried several times to go to college. Life always gets in the way. There are only so many hours in the day. There is only so much money to be made when you don't have enough education to make at least a living wage. It is a circle that I find hard to jump out of. I know that I am not alone in this vicious circle of hopelessness. I have paid and still owe thousands of dollars to private colleges who only succeeded in providing a substandard education at outrageously inflated prices. I find it embarrassing how easily I have been allured into so willingly signing up for so much debt.

Since I gave birth to my son 17 years ago, we have lived in almost 40 different locations. We have lived in a tent, a car, a storage unit, with strangers, boy-friends, family, friends, and in various houses and apartments. I can't help but wonder what kind of damage this has done to my kids. Children thrive on stability and consistancy. Two things that I have yet to provide the children that I knowingly brought into this world. My guilt is thick and painful. I have made bad choices that have directly impacted myself and my children. My decisions have also impacted the communities that I have lived in. Since I have rarely been part of the solution I have no doubt been part of the problem. I am a drain on society. I have collected welfare off and on for 17 years now.

I have times when I am doing well enough to not need welfare. It is like a roller coaster. I refuse, however to play the victim card. I have enough intelligence to identify the problem. What I lack, often times, is follow through. I have found myself presented with opportunity that I passed up due to laziness. I have taken, for the most part, the easy way out. Which experience has finally taught me, usually ends up making my life harder. I wonder how many of my peers are indulging in the same self-destructive behaviors. How many people actually realize that their biggest oppressor is themselves?