Living With An Addict - There Is Help
84My Story
Here's my story...
If you are living with an addict you are not alone.
In the fall of 2004 I met the love of my life. I was online one day and this guy sends me an IM. No picture, no cam... I'm not too interested. Then he says he just got out of rehab... definately not interested. I let him know very quickly I was not in the market for a man or even a new online friend. Drugs scared me, still do. I, personally, have never done drugs, not even pot. Addiction and drug use was completely foreign to me. I wanted no part of it.
Something about him, I guess persistance, got me to talk to him. We clicked immediately. I still was a little worried about him telling me he just got out of rehab. But, then.... he got a webcam. Sweet, smart and hot! Who cares if he used to have a drug problem, right? I'm not gonna marry the guy, one date won't hurt.
We got married 2 years later.
We lived together about 8 months. He was clean. We were happy. Drugs were in his past. The perfect couple.
Let's fast forward about a year... We had just bought a beautiful new home. He had a wonderful job. We were even talking about having a baby. Then, one day I notice he's a little... weird I guess. A little slurred speech, a little off. I ask him about it and he says he's just tired. I gets worse and worse. I suspected drugs but he stuck to his story. He was clean, hadn't done anything.
One day I went into his truck to get a cigarette lighter. I opened his console and there I found a little baggie of pills. I freaked! Called my friend, she googled them and found it was methadone. This wonderful friend of mine happened to have an addict as a spouse and happened to have a drug test. I went to my husband and asked him if he wanted to tell me anything. Nope. I pulled the bag of pills out of my pocket, "now doy uo want to tell me anything?" He says "Those aren't mine, they're a friend's, give them back!!!" I walked to the bathroom and flushed them. Apparently, I found out through him yelling, I flushed something very important and very expensive and he would never forgive me. The I pulled out the drug test. I have no idea how I got him to pee for me but he did. He failed for 3 kinds of pills. That was the beginning of it.
I knew he was using . I could tell by just looking at him. I would ask him about it and he would get mad and lie. How many times should you have to ask the same question? How many fights is it worth? I stayed on him, I was not going to let him just use drugs.
Things got progressively worse over the next few months. According to him he had been sober for over 2 years. He would assure me of this as he drooled on himself and fell asleep in his food. He would assure me of this while I gave him a bath and kept him from drowning. He couldn't stand up long enough to take a shower. I bathed him, clothed him, watched him, helped him. When he smoked he would fall asleep just afte he got it lit. He would burn himself, his clothes, blankets, furniture. If I left him alone I had to take his cigarettes and lighers with me so he wouldn't set the house on fire. Living with an active user is a full time baby sitting job. Not only are you having to take care of them but you are having to watch them slowly die. You are helpless. They are helpless. The person you love, you can not help.
One day he came home and was in the best mood. No slurred spech, no drool. What was up? I didn't know it at the time but meth was up. The next day we were back to the drooling and sleeping, Vicodin and xanax. He was out of it for 7 days. He could not function. It was like waching him die. He took so much that I had to stay up all night and make sure he didn't quit breathing. It was the worst thing I had ever seen and to this day he is still the same.
I told him he had to go to rehab, he had to get help. I was supportive and loving and let him know I would never give up on him. He gave up on me. Two months after the 7 day incident he left me. Married less than 18 months and he leaves me for a... I will try to put this gently... a fat, old, ugly, pill popping, drug addicted maried woman who is 20 years his senior. I am not saying these things about her because my ex is now with her. I am saying these things because I have never seen her even able to walk. Makeup smeared all over the place... not hot.
He leaves me and moves in with her, her husband of 26 years and their small child. The husband is also a pill popper. In about a month the husband is kicked out and takes the child with him. Now my husband and this old lady can have the privacy to do drugs. I tried and tried to ge him to come home. I could not give up on him. Eventually I was unable to find him or get ahold of him. He showed up a couple months later 40 lbs thinner. He said he had been sleeping in his truck and had nowhere to go. How do you tun away the man you almost had babies with? I had to feed him. He looked like hell. So, dumb me, took him in, fed him, gave him a place to stay. He was reasonably soberr and we were able to talk for the first time in months. He said he wanted to get sober, wanted to get help. He spilled his guts to me that night. He told me he had never really been clean. He was doing meth from day one of our relationship and pain and nerve pills to come down so I wouldn't know. The man I loved had lied to me since the day I met him. Did the person I married even exist? Was it all a lie?
This is probably not news to you but addicts are lairs. They will tell you anything to get what they want. And this time he wanted money. He had pawned or sold everything he had. He pawned his truck title and it was about to be reposessed. I'll admit it, I fell for it. I love him. I paid the truck bill. I also got some things ou of pawn for him on his word he would move back to his mother and father's house. He told me he was going to go over to he place he had been staying, get his things and be back. He was going to spend the weekend with me and his mother would pick him up and take him home on Monday.
Five days late he called. He said he had taken some pills and fogot to come back. I let him know it had been 5 days. He had no idea. And at this point I realized something. Something extemely hard, extemely sad and extemely distubing to me. I realized he was a drug addict and there honestly wasn't a single thing I could do to help him.
At some point you have to decide what you want for you. I know, when you live with an addict the last thing on your list of priorities is yourself. Make a new list. Their addiction can actually, physically kill you. I am on wo kinds of nerve meds and heart meds because of the stress he put on me. I am physically sick. I had to pick... me or him. I realized I could no longer let his addiction control my life. I can do nothing about his problems. An addict has to want help. If love could fix it, he would be healed of it.
As I sit here tonight, alone in our home, I do not know where he is. I do not know what he is doing. I do not know if he is safe. I do not know if he is alive.
He chose to leave. He chose to do drugs. He chose to say no to my help, my love. He chose to say no to his family. It kills me to think of what has happened to this wonderful man. I feel like a failue as a wife, a friend and a fellow human being for not being able to hlep him.
I pray eveyday that he will wake up and get the help he needs.
I don't know if you agree with the decisions I've made or the opinions I have on drug use. If you live with an addict I am sure you have felt the same ways I have. I am sure you feel helpless, hurt, resentful, emotions you can't even describe. I can not tell you what to do. But I have told you my story and what my personal feelings are. The only thing I will say is if you have children in the home with an addict, think of the things they are seeing, absorbing, learning. As adults we can handle a lot. Children cant. What they see is what they know. You set the example for them. They will look to you and your decisions as instructions as to how ot live their life. Do you want them to think drug use is just a part of life?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
YOU CAN NOT HELP AN ADDICT UNTIL THEY WANT HELP AND EVEN THEN YOU CAN NOT HELP. ONLY PROFESSIONALS CAN HELP THEM.
SAVE YOURSELF. SAVE YOU CHILDREN.
IF YOU ALLOW AN ADDICT TO LIVE IN YOU HOME, EAT YOUR FOOD, WATCH YOUR TV.... YOU ENABLE THEM TO DO DRUGS. YOU ARE TELLING THEM IT IS OK.
Some helpful links...
Before and After
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
I know the pain you are going throug. My husband of 20 years is a addict. He gets high on cough syrup, drinks and porns daily. He says he was that way when he met me. I guess he was,I just denied it because he truly loved me and I loved (and still do) him. I cry myself to sleep every night. He porns almost in front of my face and syas it is no big deal. He says he can't wait to retire in threee years not to be with me but, so he can give up the alcohol and the dxm and smoke pot. I am so sad and depressed about all this. The problem is he thinks hthere is no problem We have three children together ages 15,12, and 9. Our 15 yoar old has already taken has vodka. I insist he hide and he dosen't I do because I want no issues with her drinking and making it readily available to her. He says kids will be kids. I don't agree and really don't want to leave him,if only he could see there is a problem. I will definetly leave though when he starts smoking pot because,I will not have my children around that environment. He knows I am going to leave if he smokes but, dosen't seem to care. I am beside myself as to what to do. Any suggestions would be helpful.
I am sorry avbout your situation, if only we could make love fix things..... h kt
I know just how you feel.Living with an addict is exhausting & mentally draining...
I went to my first Al Anon meeting tonight and all I could do was cry. I have been with my lover for over a year. It was his 6th year of sobriety. After his brother died he couldn't grieve and turned back to heroine and crack cocaine. I'd never seen anyone do that before. I certainly know what you mean about staying up all night to make sure he's breathing. He promised me he's checking into detox in the morning. I'm going to drive him. Somehow I can't shake the anxiety that it's all a lie. He's not going to detox. He's going to make excuses and I'm going to play the fool. This sucks so bad! I just feel like the man I love has lost his soul and it's all been replaced by this stupid addiction.
My sympathies for what you, and everyone else, has gone through. Personally, I was on the opposite end of the situation - I'm a recovering drug addict (clean for eight months now, after my last relapse). I'd been abusing drugs for about a year before I met my girlfriend, but nothing too bad at the time - only the ocassional use. I got together with her a year later and around about the same time my usage shot up. Long story short, she ended up finding out. I so very nearly lost her, but after a long struggle with denial she made me realise that I needed to get clean and save myself - if not for my own sake, then for her's. I've relapsed more times than I care to remember, but every time I seem to last longer without taking drugs, and I have her to thank for it. She has stood by time and given me the strenght I needed to fight this horrible affliction. For all the hell I've been through with it, the worst part for me is knowing the incredible pain and upset I must have caused her. All I want to do now is live a life without drugs and try and makeup for the pain I've caused her.
At the end of the day, I think the writer of this article is right. Yes, you should support your partner/friend/relative through their pain - but only if they're willing to fight their problem. If they're not, then you always need to put yourself first. But if they will fight it, remember that most of us want to stay clean. Even eight months down the line nothing sounds better to me than just one more hit, and frankly if someone gave me a good excuse to relapse I'd probably take it in a heartbeat. Everything does lie on the addict, but if they're willing to get clean, you really can't begin to imagine how important it can be to have someone to help you do it and stick to it.
I am sorry for what youve gone through. I am experiences this right now. My husband of over 20 yrs is an addict and has been abusing narcotics and Xanax for the last 5 yrs. You're description of falling asleep constantly is right in line. Whether it be in food or while smoking. It really is stressful. Youre not alone. I feel so helpless. I don't want to live without him but I can't sat back and watch him kill himself by overdosing on these drugs. He is currently in rehab right now and wants to leave. I spoke to him last night and he told me I would never see him again. He told me to have a nice life and hung up. Please pray for us.
Hi. I'm living with an addict (alcohol, cocaine). I cried when I read your story because it's my life right now. He lies and threatens to kill himself if I don't give in. He hasn't been able to hold a job for the past 10 months. I moved to an area of my city and his abuse doubled because everyone around us seemed to be drinking and using. I just left that apt two weeks ago and moved to my parents' place for two months. He is living in town by himself. He keeps telling me that we are over because I am not nearby to be at his beck-n-call. This man has changed me forever. I've had to declare bankruptcy - he charged over $10,000 to my credit cards. He also spent nearly $10,000 in savings. All spent on booze and drugs. My self esteem is destroyed. I'm depressed and cry all day at the drop of a hat. I'm trying to break away but I find myself needing to talk to him. I feel like such a loser and the problem is that I have been covering up all this up with lies that I cannot talk to anyone. Not family or friends.
Tonight, after travelling 1 hour to see in him town, have lunch and then have him leave me in the car and say that he didn't want to see me tonight, me driving all the way back home... he has threatened to kill himself (slitting his wrists) if I didn't go back to him and go out for drinks. We texted back and forth and his last message said that he was finally doing it, that he had written me a letter and that I could have saved him if only I would have gone and had a "few" drinks with him. All this after he knows how much I despise alcohol after how much he has drank. ... Part of me is scared that this time, he will finally kill himself. Despite everything that he has done to himself and to me, despite all the times he has hung up on me or said really mean things to me,... I do love him. However, I know that I can't save him.... He has to save himself.
To all you who are going through something similar or have gone through something similar... I hope you have the strength to walk away and take care of yourself. Your mate is going to do everything that they can do to satisfy their addiction. They will manipulate your heart and your mind. Be strong.
I read your story and everything about it I'm living it right now I've been married almost eight years now and have three wonderful children, and a husband who uses marijuana and cocaine, I have talked to him so many times but everytime i talk to him he just listens and doesn't take any action, I remember the first time i found out about him problem he didn't know what to say, its like hes not the same person i feel in love with i wish i had him back but it seems impossibe for him to stop, u know that one picture of your x on the day before he left thats the same look on my husbands face everyday , and i just cant stand it anymore its like i hate him for what he does i love him so much my children love him i dont know what they would do without him i know i will survice but them there so close to him and he loves them to, i dont know if he'll ever change and i dont know if i will ever put a stop to it i dont know how , i just know that i love my children and i would do anything for them, i just want them to have their old dad back one day.
I am dealing with the uncertainty of a life with a drug addict. He lies and he is very sick. I don't want to get a divorce but I don't want to live like this either. I only stay because he keeps fooling me that he will stop on his own with aa. Yeah right, but I am sick because I want to believe him. I want to have hope. Thanks for your story and I wish you happiness and a life free from this type of pain. I feel for all of you and my heart keeps breaking.
I cried whe I read your story. it is my story too. my husband has had a cocaine/crack addiction for 2 years now. but he recently spilled his guts and admitted he was always a cocaine user. always?? we have been married 10 yrs! how could I not have seen it?? I have little knowledge of drugs, all I know is what I have seen with him. I have never seen him use, he will disapear for a day or 2, and come back, not high anymore, but not well. he will sleep, I will try to talk to him, yell at him, as I write this, I am wondering where he is, he left to go to the store...yesterday.
he can get a few weeks in being clean, and yes, I pee test him, this past time, he made it 10 weeks! why go back when you have 10 weeks in sober. he has a very good job, we have a home, 3 kids, 2 whom have autism, and high functioning aspergers, I feel I need to keep their life stable, and keep their dads problem from traumatising them. they are young, and don't seem to be aware, but what if he can never stay clean? what about when they are older? I have no answers for myself, so I keep praying he will finally get, and stay clean. he comes from a good family, and we are all hurting for reasons and answers to why he chooses drugs.
I have thought about, and still am thinking of divorcing him. my friends think I am crazy for staying this long, but I keep trying to believe he can beat this addiction. but on a day like today, I jus don't know if he really wants to beat it.
Hi. I also live with an addict. I am sad to say it happens to be my son and I"m really struggling with my emotions and though process right now. One minute I'm done. I'm not going to enable him and then next I'm balling my eyes out and letting him live with me. It's a horrible situation and I feel trapped and a lot of resentment. I am beginning to feel like there's something wrong with me for feeling like I do towards my son. He's very charming and I want to believe him but I know I can. He's a liar. He's an addict. I love him. I will pray for all of you as I pray for him tonight. For safety and for peace and healing.
GG
We are feeling the same pain and fear of the unknown. My husband has been using for the last 6 months I think. Since my last posting he has moved to his parents. He is still lying, using and justifying it evenmore by saying he only uses pot. He is spun on speed and shooting up heroin too, Abusing suboxen to get clean when he is sick and drying up his parents money. He tells me he hasn't cheated on me and he knows he is wrong. We fight everytime we talk or see eachother because I feel so abandoned and forgotten while he uses drugs by himself and parties with a coworker he has found to enable him. He refuses to change and says he has a plan and he will quit next week. It has been a month since he said that. He relapsed 3 times in the siz years I have known him and nothing is sacred. Eventhough we are married it was no exception for his relapsing. He is also a good person, cleancut looking and holds a job. But he has become a dirty junkie once again and I am so disgusted, depressed, stressed out over when will he stop! He used to go to rehab right away. Now he just keeps using to maintain and forget about his failing marriage. We have no kids, no money problems, he has nothing to complain about and he still does not want to get back into treatment or program. I worry everynight he will get arrested,od, die, get aids, get hep c, get in an accident or cheat or steal from me! I am so sick of playing detective, sifting through lies, and waiting for him to make a decision. He has his parents fooled and they are so out of it they are just happy he just smokes pot and they believe that! I am scared because I can't control what he is doing. My prayers will include all of you and I wish you strength and health. I feel so betrayed. When will he come back and be a sober husband like the one I knew before? Things are more different than ever. Lord help us!
The saddness on this page alone is well, really beyond words. I live with a differnt type of addict but the emotions are all the same and so is the addict cycle. Around and around in the same emotional balltleground headed for the war we are never going to win. My husband of eight years is a sex addict. The terror of not knowing who is having sex with, the shame I feel of my personal self esteem in the toilet. Yet the complications of leaving and the fear of my broken hearted children. I am currently leaving my husband and to know I tried and can see the light at the end of the tunnel is like taking a breath of clean mountain air. I am free of living with an addict, I love my husband enough to let him learn to battle his demons. I can and so can all you wonderful woman learn to live again. I can suppport my husband as soon as he can learn to support himself. And if the day comes when he doesnt come to terms with himself then thats the way HE chose to live and I cannot take ownership of that anymore. I love my babies and off into the world I go partnerless but with my chin at least above water.
You have alot of courage. Everyone says I will know when I am done with my husaband and I am still not sure. My husband finally agreed to treatment after using heroin, speed, pot and alcohol for 5 months. He completed his 30 days and moved back in. We had an argument and he went out and used. He has been using pot and heroin and i asked him to leave. I am burdened by his addiction and feel obligated to help him. I really think he has learned to manipulate me and he is severely addicted to heroin and he does not want to give it up completely. He does not use the tools of aa when he needs to. He always gives into his cravings or uses drugs as a solution so he won't feel. I am starting to hate him but at the same time feel sorry for him. It is disgusting to see his face when he is high and lying to me about it. I am amazes at your courage and I believe you went through hell. I hope I can be as strong as you. I hate cryong my eyes out everynight and then go to alanon so I can deal with him evenmore. I need to stop this unhealthy cycle. Thanks for your story.
So sad to see that there are so many others in a boat on the same ocean. From where I sit I feel all alone. Embarassed, scared, confused, sad, hopeful.... I am not me anymore. I was a strong, confident, successful woman who finally, after decades of searching, found her one true love, my prince. I knew of his drug history (well I thought I knew but I had no clue as I was ignorant to drugs and those who abused them and thought it was done...) But it is never done. RELAPSE happened and I was devastated... went through all the emotions and fear and most of all was petrified as I knew nothing about this addiction process. I was ignorant and hadn't seen it coming... and then in 5 days he destroyed his entire life, spent his last dollar, and pawned his last possesion. Years of work down the drain in less then a week. (Cocaine/Crack) He finally came home and went voluntarily into treatment... A long road back, but 6 months later he was still clean, had a good job and life was just peachy. He proposed, I accepted and I would finally have my fairytale ending after all! UNTIL... a month later when my dreams were shattered again. He relapsed. Again. How could he do it? After all we went through? I supported him unconditionally the first time. We had everything. What was he thinking? I was run over by a freight train that I never saw coming. He went missing for almost a week and I honestly thought he was dead. I was calling morgues throughout the state and preparing to file for custody of his daughter that lived with us as I was convinced he was never returning. But he did and was very remorseful once again. I did not know what to do. I was paralyzed with fear. I had no answers and no one to turn to as I was deeply embarassed and ashamed and knew if I told anyone they would tell me to leave him. So now what. What is the right thing to do? Here I am with the man I love in bed crying non-stop for two days as he was deeply remorseful, a 16 year old "step daughter" who I am soley responsible for (no other parent in the picture) and I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is for him or me. I love him, but need to protect me. How can I do both? I have an education, a great job, financially secure, everything... and now I wake up to the reality that there is an addict sharing my bed. How did I get here? He didn't ask to stay and said he would honor whatever my wishes were. He did not want to hurt me anymore. I decided that I could not decide and would take it one day at a time until I figured it out. He joined a relapse group and started going to meetings again. It has been 6 weeks and he is still clean and trying very hard. We have a contract now; if he uses again, he may not live here anymore. I know it must be that way. I am hopeful but still live in fear everyday. I am full of resentment one day and at the sametime grateful for another day clean. He is a wonderful man and if he can stay this way I do want to marry him and be with him for the rest of my life. I would do anything for that man. But when will I know? When does the fear go away? Am I blinded to reality because of my love for him? I don't know what reality is anymore. I don't know how to move forward because I am not sure where forward is going. Your posts bring me comfort because I know that I am not alone and if I am crazy, then I am in good company. I thank you for sharing your stories and pray for all of us.
I read your story and I have to say thank you for sharing it. I live with a man who is addicted to speed and marihuana. I try to help him the best I can, try to understand but drugs had never been part of my life before I met him. I knew that he smoked sometimes to relax but didnt understand it until now how serious it is. His spent all our savings in just a couple of days on drugs and I feel so empty, used, hopeless.. He's been to rehab many times before we met and said to me he is going to go again but I feel that he just say it to make me feel better, cause hasnt done anything about it yet.
I dont know how long I can keep going like this, we planned to have kids and getting a house but seems like all the dreams are broken. I feel that the only thing he cares is himself. He is such a charming guy and I keep forgiving him a lot. i just feel that at this point I have reached my limit, I cant give anymore, help anymore, be understanding. He irritates me so much at the moment but I cant leave him, I dont wanna leave him, he is like a magnetic, I just cant go away from him. It's so nervewrecking, I cant really talk to anybody about this. His mum knows all of it but believes now that its all over. We live in a small town and here I cant go and open my mouth cause then everybody would know. All my old friends live far away and I dont want to worry them. But I also know just talking about it is not going to help him to get clean. I can talk to my guy about it a lot, but when he goes and uses drugs there is no way of stopping it, he says that his every sell in his body craves it.
My life doesnt seem real anymore, I am all concentrated on him and his desease and I dont want him to take me with him, I feel like my life is spiralling down. Because of all this I am much stronger person, I have learned a lot. But in my mind I am constantly trying to find a way out of this, Im not sure yet of it is with or without him. I have promised to give him some time but if nothing changes I have to choose my life and my dreams.
I wish he could feel my pain, he can see my tears but that doesnt make any difference to him, he just thinks that I am too emotional. I could never hurt him like he hurts me. I have decided to stay positive and strong. And some day in the future I remember this time as very dark, eye-opening experience, where I survived but god i hope he survives too.
HI
MY NAME IS JULIE & MY HUSBAND IS AN ADDICT. HE WILL DO ANY DRUG THAT HE CAN. IT MAY BE PILLS. IF HE STARS OUT WITH ALCOHOL OR XANAX HE BLACKS OUT & IT LEADS TO CRACK THEN IT JUST GOES DOWN HILL FROM THERE.
IN 06 HE BROKE MY WRIST INTO BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GIVE HIM THE CAR KEYS(WE ONLY HAD 1 CAR) I KNEW HE WOULDN'T COME BACK IN TIME FOR ME TO GO TO WORK. I WAS WORKING 2 JOBS TRYING TO KEEP THINGS A FLOAT. IT IS PHYSICAL, MENTAL. ITS TERRIBLE. IN AUG 07 HE WENT TO REHAB BY THIS TIME ALL CREDIT CARDS ARE MAXED OUT. I CAN BARELY PAY THE RENT. IN OCT 07 HE TOTALED OUT THE CAR. BREAKING HIS LEFT FEMUR BONE INTO. WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A WEEK OF COURSE THEY SENT HIM HOME WITH ALL KINDS OF PAIN PILLS. HE IS AT HOME DOING PILLS & HAVING PEOPLE BRINGING HIM CRACK ALL OF THIS MAKES HIM A VERY VIOLENT PERSON. HATING TO EVEN GO HOME FROM WORK. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO DIDN'T WANT MY PARENTS TO KNOW. SO I WOULD TAKE ALL OF THIS BE UP ALL NIGHT & STILL WORKING 2 JOBS. GETTING AROUND ON CRUCHES HE WOULD HOBBLE AROUND MEETING THE DOPE BOYS. I WAS VERY ANGRY...MAYBE EVEN STILL ANGRY. HE WOULD LEAVE & WOULDNT COME HOME DIDN'T KNOW WHERE HE WAS AT. A ASK GOD WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO. FINALLY TOLD HIM HE COULDN'T COME BACK THAT I WAS PACKING MY THINGS. I COULDN'T AFFORD TO PAY THE BILLS. HE PROMISED HE WOULD GO BACK TO REHAB. HE WENT BACK AGAIN. THIS WAS FEB 08 GOT HOME IN LATE MARCH 08. HE GOT A NEW JOB & WAS DOING GREAT. WE WERE ABLE TO EAT AGAIN. WAS CLEAN FOR 8 MONTHS & STARTED TO TAKE PAIN PILLS AGAIN. COURSE THEY MADE HIM ACT LIKE HE WAS DOING CRACK I UGLY HATEFUL MEAN PERSON. HE HAD A LITTLE MONEY SAVE & THOUGHT IF WE TOOK A TRIP TO FLORIDA WHERE HE WENT TO REHAB. THAT HE COULD KICK IT. WELL IT DIDNT WORK..... MAY 2 HE WAS OUT AGAIN ALL NIGHT SMOKING CRACK HE HAD NOT DONE THAT IN OVER A YEAR. HE CAME IN ASKING ME TO FORGIVE HIM. I HAD MY THINGS ALREADY PACKED. HE HAD 8 DAYS UNDER HIS BELT & TOOK MORE PILLS. LAST NIGHT SMOKED CRACK AGAIN. I AM AT THE POINT. IS IT TIME FOR ME TO GO. I TELL MYSELF I NEED TO STAY BECAUSE I NEED HIS CHECK TO HELP PAY THE BILLS. WE HAVE ALOT BECAUSE OF ALL OF HIS GOING ONS. BUT, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS ALL AGAIN. ITS LIKE WHAT IS THE FINAL STRAW WHEN DO YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL... WHEN DO YOU SAY ENOUGH IS ENGOUGH. YES I LOVE THIS MAN VERY MUCH. I DON'T WANT THE ABUSE TO START AGAIN. SO IAM AT MY WITS END TELLING MYSELF IS IT OVER OR DO I STAY & TRY IT AGAIN.
SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I DONT THINK ALOT OF PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW THE PERSON WHO LIVES WITH THE ADDICT REALLY GOES THRU & HOW THEY FEEL.
Wow! Some things never change and I hate to sound so hopeless. My husband was asked to leave and went to motels and lived in his truck and then his parents took him in for fear he would die in the street. My husband said he would try to just smoke pot instead of injecting heroin. I agreed to let him come back and told him i accepted the fact that he was not going to be in the program and he was going to use pot. He started to come home from work, shower and leave to his friends so he can hang out all night. He would come home at 11pm watch tv until 1am and i would have to ask him to go to bed in another room. He did this for 5 days straight and i blew up. I said he had to leave because he was doing speed, pot and god knows what but i couldn't live with his lies and his drug use. He paid the rent and left peacefully. He went to live with his parents and they had to kick him out after a week of the same thing and running their cell phone bill up to 400 bucks.
He works a hard job in the day, uses drugs all day and all night. He has returned to the original drug of his choice which is injecting speed. Now he does not call me at all. It is like he has become this cold robot and has no feelings about anything or anyone. He has never been abusive, but he acts strange and wants to use drugs instead of be with me. We have no kids, no financial probs, everything is easy except for his using. I have to admit it is quiet and peaceful with him gone, but I wonder every night where he is, will he die, will he get hiv or hep c,will he get arrested etc: He is such a great guy with a big heart and he chooses to be a dope fiend. I know he is sick but he does not want help. Hes been to 10 rehabs/ sober living/ jail etc. This time his disease is so strong I dont know if he will ever comeback and be the loving husband i have known for 8 years.
All of us seem to just worry and pray and watch our loved ones kill themselves and destroy themselves and our hearts. Why does God let this happen? Why can't i save him? Why can't he remember the love and good life we have? These are things I think about and I know you all understand by all the entries. I wish for the courage to keep going forward and to keep having faith eventhough i doubt it. Thanks for all of your stories whether they are changing or not, it helps to know we share this pain and suffering. I am not some superwoman who is just going to move on and charge ahead. I am human and I have a heart. Blame me for that! I am so lonely and so depresses over his using. I want this person to love me back and be sober. What's wrong with that?
my partner of 5 years is a heroin addict and an alcoholic, he keeps promising to go into rehab but he never does. when he is high on drugs he falls aasleep making cigarette burns in all of my funiture and carpets, he never chnges his clothes and smells horrible. I have begeed him to stop but all i get from him is false promises. I have found him overdosed twice, we now have a 2 year old daughter and i am so scared that she will choose the same path, i am only 25 i dont feel able to do this anymore, surely there is more to life than this?
mines been addicted to meth for 10 years he also sells it we have 2 kids a 6 yr old and an 4 year old and im 4 months pregnant we are both 25 i found out hes been cheating on me with an 18 year old, hes ruined our lives dont care about anything but himself now i guess shes living with him.. i just dont understand how he can say he loves me and move on with her so fast it hurts so bad but theres nothing i can really do.. its not like this is the first time and im sick of the lies and staying out all night i just dont see how he can throw me away i mean i knew he was a loser but i cant believe hes been cheating on me while im pregnant... i havent talked to him for 2 weeks i got out of town and am staying with a friend when does it get easier?? if ever.. i feel all your pain and im very sorry there's so many people going through this its just not fair i gave him everything even stood by him with his addiction now he just throws me away as if im nothing not to mention he just dumped my kids off with her i knocked on the door and she opened it and had the nerve to tell me i couldnt come in lol i knocked her to the floor and took my kids literally but she didnt dare try to stop me cause i would have probably went to jail for beating her into acoma as mad as i was.my prayers are with everyone going through the same thing i hope i have the strength to make it through this cause sometimes i just dont know.
I was utterly amazed to read your story and all the comments that followed. I could literally relate to every single one of you. Yet I sit here feeling empty and alone. Met my b friend on the internet as well... found out he was in a half way house, told him NO WAY, yet somehow i let him talk me into this relationship and although we have been together for 8 months he has been using off and on the last 2 months.At first it was Xanax and oxy xodone but the last relapse ... that ended 2 weeks ago and only lasted abt 1 week was Roxicets...and he was shooting them in his arm with a needle. I found a needle hidden under the corner of my bedroom carpet last week. A NEEDLE! And a bloody tissue and I have 4 children from a past marriage...one of them is only 2... what if he found it!! He falls asleep wit cigg when he is using... leaves the bottles of his suboxine (that he only takes when he is clean) on the nightstand where the baby can get it... I HATE that stupid high look on his face when he is lying to me, wher did the man I met go??? This man here now is an imposture. I HATE and always have hated drugs... why on earth would an addict pick me to be with??? Why not get a party girl?? My self esteem is shot and i am tired of the manipulation... the "if you loved me.. you would --------" fill in the blank! I really need a friend that understands. Just wish I had the money and will power to run run run with my kids!! Something has to give before I loose my mind! Unfortunatly I am addicted to trying to help broken people :(
It has been over a year since I first told my story here. Thank you to all who read it and related it to it. I want to tell you all.... I am fine. No, I am better than fine. I am healthy and happy. My ex husband has been in and out of jail for the past year and now says he is sober. It's his twisted version of sober but whatever he is, sober, on drugs, whatever, I don't have to live like that anymore. It was beyond hard to let him go, and yes, i still talk to him. But, even after all the stress, the pain, the worries and what if's of it all... guess what? I survived, he survived and I am a better person for having gotten out of it. And if you ask him... he is a better person. If we had stayed together he would still be laying on my couch jacked up out of his mind and in his own little drug induced world while my world crashed down around me.
Do I love him? With all my heart. Would I remarry him tomorrow if he was the person he could be, if he would be sober forever? Yes. Can I trust him at all? No. So, I talk to him on the phone a lot and online but we don't see each other. It might sound strange that I still talk to someone that put me through all that crap but it's what you do for someone you love. I let him come over a few months ago. He said he was sober and when I had talked to him he seemed sober and doing well. So, he comes over and stays the night, takes a bunch of xanax and drools on my couch. All those feelings came back. The fear, the being alone in the world.... it was horrible. And I thanked God for giving me the strength to not take him back then and not take him back now. He is no longer allowed to see me in person.
If you're in a bad relationship with an addict or any kind of mentally or physically unhealthy relationship. Save yourself. You can do better. You can not change who that person is all you can control in this world is your life, your actions and your reactions to what goes on around you. Your future is in your hands.
I'm on yahoo messenger if you wanna chat with me my ID is miss_kelly_anne.
Thank you all for listening to my story. Be Strong!! You aren't alone!
Hi, of course our views are different, but in the beggining she thought I left her for some other woman. No one could have compared to Kelly. I left her for drugs. I am an addict. I struggle everyday. If you are an addict, you are hurting those around you and you may not even know it. The guilt I feel for what I put Kelly through will haunt me for the rest of my life. Addicts: please try to get help, and NA/AA does help. If you know an addict and want to help them? Offer rehab, no money...never cash. Good Luck to ALL
Thank you Charlie. That means a lot to me. You are a good man and I only want the best for you. I will always be here for you( via phone, email or IM hahahaha). I just want you to be healthy and happy. Love ya babe! Just say no! lol
i just want to know how long you stay??? Mine was a recoverd alcoholic when i met him, I even went to meeting with him. We got married, he had done some pain pills, but
Sorry, got cut off, but need to start over to see if I can get it all off my chest.
...How long do you stay with an addict/recovering addict/????In and out, for the past 12 years??? I married him when he was in A.A. not really understanding that drugs could be part of it, after all A.A. if for alcoholics, right? The kind who I picture sitting at a bar all day and drinking away. He was sober at 23, and did coccaine but all while he was younger so that's when his mother checked him in and he was sober when I met him.Anyways, he took a few pain pills, every now and then, had a bad back, and then started the drinking. It was all in the past he had said and now that he was older, not hanging with the same crowd, etc. it was ok. It was for a while, we went out, to bars, had fun, go engaged, married, and were soon expecting our baby girl. Built a house, then his mother was tragically killed, and boom!!! Alcohol consumed him then oxy's took over him for 2 years of his life. I was always searching for what it was, and tried to find out so badly, but never "really" knew. He meanwhile went back to meetings, but was falling asleep everywhere, burning holes in his clothes, and eventually I caught him, and he had to turn himself into detox, which we all kept hidden. I had a daughter from a previous marriage also. Moving on, through-out those years, I, who social drinks with friends, etc. was being put through emotional abuse by the now recovering again person, "Oh you are a drunk", "oh go with your friends I don't want to see it", etc. Very hard to hear. years of him being on and off pills, etc. I was put on anti-anxiety drugs myself, how exhausting. Well flash forward, he has been in detox about 4 times, and we have become 2 different people. Always being put dowm, fighting, checking his pupils,going to counselors... multiple times, but he is very good at hiding his disease.In the past year, I knew something "again" was different but wasn't sure WHAT. Taping up windows, finding bags empty, but he finally said he was snorting pain pills, so again a detox he must go. They did an new out-patient thing with some pills, but soon in just last week, came crashing down when my 9 year old found a small baggie outside which was crack. Of he denied,no drug testing for him because it would come up positive because he was on the detox pills, we told her it was something else, but this time I read the book "Enough is Enough" by some lady on intervention and it hit me, he needed in-house long term treatment. So again, he and a ton of $$$ it cost to put him in, but while he is there, we are finding out how bad it really is. Money gone, credit-lines opened, credit cards, mutuals gone, and I am not even 40 yet!!! I know love has never been an issue, he loves us, takes care of us, I think I still love him, but know I cannot go on like this. I have to let him go, but he will be there 30 days and it is not even been a week. I am reading all your stories, and want to know that even though he has been sober back and forth and once "Caught", always agrees to get help, should I deal with this the rest of my life?? Like many of you, my friends think I am crazy for being here, I am so desperate to find myself, I have been an enabler, emotionally abused, it has just become a sick relationship, and if he does get out sober, this crack is all new to me, will it last with how bad it has been? Have I had enough? I think I know the answers, but really need encouragement.Going to counselors for myself next week, and Nar-a-non, but should I support him still, or just get out, and try to remain friends for our daughters? I am so exhausted....:)
Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I read it and cried. I absolutely know how you feel. There are so many more questions than answers. To be honest, no matter what you decide...stay, go, put up with it, ignore it... you're going to second guess yourself. We all do, it's human nature. I know how tired you feel. It wears on you. It would make me so mad that my ex would get to take those drugs and sleep through all the drama and pain and worries while I was forced to suffer through it and make all the life changing decisions for both of us. From the heart, woman to woman, I will tell you this... you can not help him. The only thing you can control in this entire world are your own actions and your own life's path. You have to choose where YOU want to be. At this point it isn't going to be easy leaving or staying. But, if you leave, there is a guarantee of life getting better, sleeping getting easier and the worries subsiding. You will never stop worrying about him. We worry about the ones we love. It's a wonderful, terrible curse of being human. If you are anything like I was when I was in a relationship with an addict you are in a bad mood, constantly worried, angry, stressed and a 1000 other emotions all rolled up into one and feeling lost and like your life is out of control. The question you have to answer for yourself is are you where you want to be? Are you happy? Do you want to live the rest of your life exactly how you are now? At the end of the day it boils down to if you aren't happy, make a change.
You aren't alone. If you ever need someone to talk to message me on yahoo messenger. My ID is miss_kelly_anne.
You, and everyone else out there who is in this situation, are in my prayers.
Kelly
Thank-you so much Kelly - anne, just can't sleep and woke up on here to see how this thing worked, wasn't sure because I had never signed up. Thank-you for answering my post, it just made me cry. This is so hard, but I know I am not happy now, starting 2 girls tomorrow in 2 new schools, by myself, is hard and scary. Being in this big house by myself is scary, he is there getting help, eating better, working out, etc. and I can't help feel a bit of resentment towards him.I know it will prolly never be the same, how can you ever rebuild trust from that? I don't think he would ever be able not to always have the temptation and me again constantly checking him, "are you on something?" and then that starts a fight. My youngest always says, stop fighting!!! She feels it. Oh gosh, no easy answers huh??? Ok, well tomorrow I start counseling, AGAIN for myself, and then to a nar-non, my 1st meeting on Tuesday. Will see how that makes me feel. Again, thank you ;)
Lisa,
Sorry to hear you're having trouble sleeping. I don't know your religious beliefs but you might try this... I'm not very religious, more spiritual and have a deep belief in God. The worst times when I couldn't sleep I would put my bible under my pillow or next to me in the bed. I couldn't concentrate enough to read with my life full of drama so I just kept it near me. It was comforting somehow.
Yes, I definately agree about counseling. Talk about it to everyone you can. Let it out.
Take this time, while he is away and work on you. Stop the worrying as best you can. He is nice and safe where he is and this can be a nice break for you from the drama. And a time for you to make some decisions that are best for you and your children.
I have recently met a very nice woman who has been in a relationship for 10 years with a recovering drug addict and current alcoholic. She recently got him into rehab... again. But what is different this time??? She put him in rehab as usual and she isn't taking him back when he gets out. I am sooo proud of her. It is beyond hard on her. She feels like she is abandoning him, like she might be making the wrong decision, all of those thing you are feeling. But, over the past few months I have seen her smile more and her eyes are brighter. She is still worried and stressed but she doesn't have those bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. I look at her and see hope. Hope for all of us.
Everyone deserves to be happy. You deserve love, kindness, happiness and to look forward to each and every day. Don't forget that. Don't sacrifice yourself and your kids for someone else's problems.
And remember.... you aren't alone.
Kelly
Oh.... Sometimes I get sidetracked when I'm writing and lose my focus...
The trust issue... That's a huge deal! Huge! In my case I know I could never trust my ex. If we got back together I would always be wondering, waiting for him to use again. Not wondering if but wondering when. Will today be the day my world comes crashing down again? Not the life I choose. Not the life for anyone.
Here is purpose phase now...1 week in and he in geting "cocky", well I havn'e been man enough to stand up you. just know that sobriety will always have to come first, and like yelling you a storm how he has to be the man he was onece a time ago, and I would luv if he could but the cockiness, ewwwwwwww, I think I'm really done now??.! This alll was HIS fault and suddenly it has become mine??? No way!
Why do you let him drive you crazy?
Hi Miss Kelly Ann,
I have an issue that I'm dealing with. I totally agree with you and your idea that women should put themselves first, and their children first. I was married to a drug addict for many years. Unfortunately after multiple attempts at sobriety, my husband would relapse time and time again. I was a codependent for many years, covered his butt when he'd miss work, family dinners etc. Would give him thousands of dollars to pay off drug debts. Blah blah blah. It's the same story everyone living with a drug addict has. I finally decided to put myself and my son first and left him. He went into a recovery program and lived with his mother while we were apart. He kept asking me over and over if we would be getting back together. I stayed strong and told him that if I could see that he was getting his life back together, I'd give it a chance. After seeing him fail over and over, my faith in him started to wither away. I started feeling that there really would be no chance of getting back together. He'd ask and I'd just keep telling him that I was waiting for him to get better. Then one morning I was told that he had taken his life. He committed suicide in his mothers basement. That was truly the most horrifying day of my life. The worst part was having to tell my son that his father was dead. What I'm battling with is the fact that my brain tells me what I did wasn't wrong. I still believe that it's not an appropriate environment for a child to live in and it's a terrible way to live as a wife. But my heart aches wondering if I had only done it a different way maybe he'd still be alive. I can't help but feel that way. I'm very torn. Do you think I should have supported him instead of leaving him?
I am so sorry for your loss and most of all your son's loss. In my opinion I don't think what you did was wrong. You can only control your actions and your life, not everyone else's. If you had stayed with him, you and him would have probably stayed in the same cycle of him using, you covering for him, him getting a little better then doing it again. Maybe he would have overdosed? Maybe he would have become violent to you and your child? There are 1000 maybe senarios. He made the choice to leave this world, you and his child. Like I said, we can only control or lives and we must live with the consequences. I pray he is at peace and he no longer feels the pain of being an addict. And I pray you find peace with it. It was not your fault. You put your child first. There is never anything wrong with that. Don't second guess yourself. You're a good mom and did the right thing.
Thanks for your support. It's almost like I need a stranger to verify my actions were right. Just another someone to make me feel better I guess. I believe you when you say that if he was still here he'd probably be using still. I truly believe that. I think he just couldn't imaging living without the use of drugs. It's sad but true. It's just very hard for me to talk to other women and say that I believe they should leave the addict after this happened to me. it's very confusing as you can imagine. My best advice for women is very similar to yours. Do what's right for you because living with an addict is a life long battle. An addict is always an addict and you can most definitely expect relapses to occur. For me, I could no longer stand living that way and I didn't want my son to live with the constant tension that loomed in the air day after day. I fell so sad for my husband but I must say, I don't have that sick feeling day in and day out like I used to. I'd give anything to have him back - for my sons sake but I think he's at peace now and that' comforting. I pray for all the women out there who are going through similar stuff right now.
To the respondent "unsure", without doubt, your decisions were in the best interest of yourself and your kids. I emplore you, do not consider otherwise. I will echo the commnts of "miss_kelly_anne". As a man, and being on your side of things, I completely understand. Parts of me say how did she do it? Yet, here I am saying how did I get here? My wife stole my inactivated credit card and managed to take cash advances on that account that enabled her to purchase "oxycontins". So, please, anyone, what the deuce do I do? I have two kids with her and she wants to move them to Massachusetts.
John,
So very sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad you shared your story with us. So many times we only hear from the women in this situation. But, man or woman, the feelings are the same. The desire to do the right thing, to take care of our kids and ourselves, the desire to help the ones we love... we all share that common bond.
You asked for opinions on what you should do about your wife. I wish I could tell you what to do and make it all better for you, your children and your wife.
If you've read my previous posts I am sure you know my feelings on this already. If she is using and isn't being a good role model for the children, if she is causing drama and stress in the home, she doesn't need to be there. She needs to get help. Anyone who is stealing to feed their addiction to pills clearly has issues and needs professional help. No amount of love or personal support can help her. I say if she loves you and her children she needs to be a big girl, go get help and really commit to it. You have got to be the strong one. I know it is hard. Be strong for the kids and put your foot down. Make her get help or get a divorce. As far as her wanting to move them to Masachusetts. Maybe she needs to concentrate on herself for a little while instead of moving.
Keep us updated. I wish you the very best.
I have read all the comments and have found them to be encouraging and also sad too. I am a 48 year old english lady living in Barbados, been with a 32 year old bajun for 5 years, who is a cocaine addict, and i didnt realise as i have no dealings with drugs at all. I drank quite a bit, but was a controlled drinker, to think of a terminoligy.
Anyway after many years of verbal abuse, smashing up property, etc etc he went to rehab.....3 times but walked out each time. Promising as they do that he will stay clean himself, with the help of meetings, which he didnt do. So up until a couple of days ago we lived together with my two children, 15 and 10. But i told him before that , that if he does cocaine again, we are done. It took the slightest thing to trigger him off and as i said two days ago he left. at 2am in the morning i was woken by the police . they had him because they found him with cocaine on him and wanted to veify his address. They never charged him which really annoyed me and he left. Came back to get his clothes, i think hopeing i would let him back but as he didnt the next morning his smart church clothes were strewn up the street, basically because he knew that would hurt me.
He has no where to live so will be sleeping rough, whereas he had a lovely home with me and kids, and you wonder why they can give it all up for a bit of powder. The trouble is i think we all keep waiting for them to wake up and smell the coffee ....but their not going to are they.? and so we are left picking up the pieces of our tattered emotions because THEY have given us no choice but to kick them out. We are left upset and hurt, and pobablyt have to watch them picking up with some other idiot who will put up with it for a while, and so it goes on. I guess what i am trying to say is i dont want the pain of losing him. And yet i know our life together is me walking on egg shells the whole time and it get wearing.
My sympathies to all those going through what i am going through and my sympathies to the addicts that cannot let go of their addiction. by the way i am almost 6 months clean of alchohol....done to support him as he said he could not be around someone who drinks. Its really hard for me to give up drink as i work in a social world and i love to drink, but i did it, and have stuck with it up till now ...one day at a time. My point being its not drugs and i know that is harder to give up but it is an addiction. Ofcourse i got it thrown in my face that i was miss perfect. WEll i am far from perfect, but when you love someone you so want to help them. Now i just need to be strong and stay away from him. He is about a mile from me so i see him around all the time.
Help!!
Do they ever get better? I'm 12 years into this. Will it ever stop? I feel so responsible for him. I feel like he will die if I put him out. But I might die if he stays. What makes them stop? I am starting to believe that they never do. mb
I'm sorry to hear these stories and this is truly sad for the victims (the partner or family member affected). I am 40 years old and have been with my fiance for about 5 years. I recently found out that she has and alcohol problem which she is kept hidden from me for a while - or perhaps I was too naive to notice. I've never really drank much, never smoked a cigarette, and never touched any kind of drugs. So I had no idea what I was dealing with. Then I came home one day at lunch from work and she was passed out on our bed with an empty bottle of vodka next to the bed. Over the past 6 months that has happened about 4-5 times. Each time she swears it will never happen again. The most recent alcohol situation occurred about 2 months ago. I packed my stuff and was ready to go but she swore it would all change. A few weeks later I came home and her new car was in the garage with 3 flat tires and and the side mirror was hanging off. I went inside and she was pretending to read a book while relaxing on the couch. I asked if she was OK and what was going on. She acted surprised that I would ask....then I asked about the car. She had no idea the car was damaged. Then she stumbled to the garage to see....then I could see she was a mess and she immediately got angry at me and said it was my fault that she drinks and abuses pain pills. So I put her to bed calmly and then started packing my things....again. She slept off her pills over Friday/Saturday and on Sunday she woke up and swore it would never happen again and she'd seek help and go to meetings and all would be wonderful. How many times does this have to happen before I wake up? Do I really spend each day driving home from work wondering if she got fired, got drunk, crashed her car, or hurt someone else? or do I trust that she is on the road to recovery?????? I'm a working professional with a nice job, a beautiful home....I feel that I'm living the American Dream but each day is a crap shoot. My fiance has a 17 year old son in college and I am getting the feeling that she is just using my job/security/kindness so she can simply survive her duties as a mother. She makes no decisions, provides no direction, and has very limited financial means to support her very expensive tastes and her son's spoiled nature. The first few years of our relationship were great, but it seems that time has proven that the person I knew was simply masking the hidden addict that I did not know existed. I hate that I'm complaining about this situation since there are people with obviously bigger problems and I certainly sympathize. But I've kept myself in this holding pattern for the past 1.5 years wondering if she'll truly turn her life around....or am I just wasting my time and she is destined to continually repeating this lifestyle. Advice?????
cont'd from above. After reading my post I realized I skipped some background info. My above mentioned fiance comes from a long line of drug/alchol addicts. I didn't realize they existed until much later in our relationship as she does not communicate much with them. The more I read about addiction I'm learning that there seems to be a hereditary element. Her father and 2 siblings have obvious alchohol problems, and 3 other siblings have chronic drug/alchohol issues. I hate that I tend to make excuses for her and feel that I am responsible or can somehow save her. I'm a very driven man and often think I can do anything....but it seems that recovery is up to her....that being said, I guess I've been enabling this problem since I tend to say, "don't worry, we can beat this together and then I do the research, monitor the situation, and support/reward success". But addiction recovery lies with her. I'm just so tired and frustrated and sad to think that she puts alchohol and pills before her son and before our relationship. My family constantly tells me that I'm being used and taken for granted and deserve better. But it's hard to just walk away when you see someone struggling.
I am the mother of a 22 year old heroin addict, my daughter. we share a house with two other siblings, my husband and I am also the full time carer for her three year old daughter, the light of my life. Because of the situation Ive had to give up full time employment so money is tight. Ive discovered things that happened during my daughters childhood that seemed to come to light after the birth of her daughter and within four months of her being born she turned to heroin. It nearly destroyed me, I believe now that I did have a breakdown, my husband has been my rock. Now three and a half years on we have been on the roller coaster that goes with addiction and dictates your moods. Two months ago my daughter was raped. Now she refuses the help she needs, I know she is terrified that her therapist has unlocked memmories and so she refuses to go back. Im at the end of my tether with her, my sympathy has been replaced with such anger as I look at this monster that used to be my daughter. I cant live like this, I feel like im on the edge again but am scared to put her out as she has many suicide attempts. I know she is very immature for her years and just doesnt seem to be able to cope without me unless she is out of her face and then she takes on the super ego that thinks she is so in control. Please help, I really dont know what to do
I can relate to you I went thru 6 years of having a drug addict in my life till he had too many overdoses and didn't come back leaving behind our son who at the time was 4. I know now when I look back I can see that I done what I thought was important to me as a family but I could have went about it very differently, I only made things worse. I have since remarried and that was 13 years ago but it has been a greiving process.
Being a former addict, I can only say that lies are the fabric which makes up an addict's life.
At the risk of sounding cynical, there is no reason in the world for you to trust him or believe anything he says. If he says "the sky is blue", you better go outside and look up. Chances are, it's not.
The kindest thing that can be done is for you to turn away from him. Do not enable him any further. Eventually, if enough people do this FOR him, he will either wake up or find himself in a jail/institution or a morgue.
I can empathize with him only because I have walked in every footstep he has taken. It took jail, a suspended 8 year prison sentence for selling heroin, hepatitis C and a failing heart to make me wake up (four years clean now).
If more people would have know that they would have been doing me a real favor by doing things we would think unkind, like calling the police, turning away from my nonsense and lies and not enabling, then it would have made it harder for me to continue in my depravity.
I take responsibility for my actions in those yesterdays and the consequences of those actions today. But I would have NEVER done so while I was caught up in that tangled web of addiction and lies.
Sometimes you do need to be "cruel" to be kind.
Ed
Ed, I would first like to say Congrats on your four years sober. That is quite an accomplishment. You should be very proud. Thank you so much for coming on here and sharing your story. So many times we only hear the stories of the people surrounding the addict and not the addict themselves. Thank you for sharing with us. Please come back often.
Elspeth,
My heart truly goes out to you. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us. I pray things will turn around for your daughter.
The important person in the story you shared with us is the little three year old girl. She should be protected, loved and taken care of. I am sorry that her mother isn't being the person she needs to be but she does have you and thank God she does. I have lived with an addict but I am not a mother. I can only imagine the pain a mother feels when facing the addiction of their child. If you've read any of my previous posts, I don't sugar coat things. In my, not so professional, opinion your daughter needs to make a choice and make it fast. She needs to pick drugs or family. It's a simple choice to us but extremely hard for her I am sure. I am sure it is difficult for you to take on the responsibility for her child but you don't need the added stress and drama of a drug addict. And a 3 year old does not need to be around an addict at all, ever. That little girl needs stability and love.
All I know to tell you us hold on, be strong and don't give up. You can get through this. I truly believe God doesn't put more on us than we can handle.
My husband is an addict, he went from doing drugs to abusing prescription meds. We had to declare bankruptcy a year into our marriage due to the financial spending he was doing. Everything we own is in pawn so he can pay for his meds because he's always running out early and has to pay full price. He's on dialysis now, dying because of what he's done. And i just found out I'm the only person who has been a match to give him a kidney. So I have this chance to give him life and risk mine at the same time while he's abusing drugs so bad that he's slurring his words and sleeping all the time. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through.
Tammy says:
2 years ago
I am so sorry for all that you have been through and continue to go through. I have no words that feel adequate. I just found this and read and cried. I hope time gives you strengh and hope.