Day One

I woke up this morning with my scented candle still burning and an empty vodka bottle lying on the floor. WHAT HAS HAPPENED? Going to work doesn't scare me so much today because I feel like nothing really matters. I was so close to taking all the pills I have and saying goodbye to this world. I have never seen mum so angry. She screamed at me, said hurtful things and even slapped me. But I NEEDED that loan and I wouldn't give it to her because it was my only lifeline, my only hope. I haven't seen or spoken to mum today, I don't things will ever be the same again. Not that they were perfect in the first place, inside me I am angry at her but I don't even know what it is. Maybe I’m just looking for someone to blame.

Mum will never forgive me. I've taken out 8000 pounds on loans and lost about three grand gambling. That just makes me feel sick. I know I should stop gambling but I can't, it’s so exciting, but I know my limits and that I REALLY can't do the same again. Mum is watching me so closely now especially as the fucking nurse told her I took xanam or whatever. I don't know how closely, maybe she’s opening my post and ringing up my banks. I was so angry at her yesterday. I even said to my sister I won't go to uni and get a job instead and move out. She says she’s the only person I have but I’ve been more alone than this. I do feel like I can get through this without her because honestly I don't think she can forgive me.

Anyway going to bed, its 11.30pm. Another day at work tomorrow but whatever happens will make me stronger, the only person I need right now is me. Mum is right I am a selfish bitch and I don't care about others, but on the other hand I don't think she knows what it’s like to be trapped in your own world.

Day Two

I've messed things up so badly, I really do have nobody. Dad found out about me betting on his card, he didn't shout at me only he looked disappointed and I know I’ve lost that trust. I don't know if mum knows but if she does she'll be so angry. I REALLY hate myself for doing it but I don't realise it, something else takes over. That sounds impossible but all the time I am doing crazy stuff without even thinking. Today I felt so empty. I’ve finally realised that this big desperation for money won't get me happiness. For the first time I have enough for a chin reduction, and ok it makes me feel relieved but I don't feel any different. I have always felt like there’s something missing inside of me, but I don't know what to do about it.

I love my mum but she’s fallen out with me and maybe I’ll have to do this on my own. She said one word to me tonight but I know I don’t even deserve that. Even when she was being nice to be I knew it was false just so I wouldn't go and top myself. I don't want her forgiveness because I’ll know I will end up hurting her. I know I’m being so selfish but for me to carry on in this world I have to do anything even if it hurts people, even if I lose them forever. Today at work was so awkward it was just me and Andrew in the office. Tom kept making jokes about how morbid it was. I love matt and I so wish more than anything I could connect with people. There are so many great people out there. Like Josh. I think about him every single day. He probably has forgotten all about me now. It must have been at least 6 months since we saw each other again.

Anyway I’ve got some money and I am going to put 3000 into a savings account for my surgery. Now all I need is a plan. I've got such a great opportunity and if I mess this up it will destroy me. I am going to try and act normal around my family. Don't get too drunk and have a massive breakdown. Or take too many pills and end up back in hospital. It's awful having to lie to everyone at work about my allergic reaction to pencillin. They are some lovely people at work. And I can see beauty in every single person (I think). Works easier now that I actually have some work to do. Trying to communicate with people though it’s so hard, but they realise that and are so nice about it.

I wish I could find my phone it had so many memories on it and also Josh won't call me even though he’s probably moved on. If I saw him with another girlfriend it would hurt me so much, does that mean I love him? I don't know how I am going to cope this weekend, weekends are the worst I get so lonely and do stupid things. I'm so angry about the state of my legs I mean what if they stay like this. I didn't even mean to get so drunk; I don't even remember doing the skin peel. Apparently I fell over in the bath. I then broke down in front of mum, who was then so nice to me for a while. I hope things become more clear what I need to do. I am going to make an extra strong coffee and tidy my room. Hopefully I’ll find my phone and credit card application.