Living with an ADHD ODD child
85Don't be fooled...
If you are viewing this, you might be attracted by the idyllic picture of my son and me. I have to admit, we do portray a warm, loving family unit, but looks can be deceiving. We only achieve familial bliss half the time. The other half of the time is spent arguing, cajoling, manipulating, yelling, (yes yelling) slamming doors, growling...well you get the picture.
Living with my son is like living with a chameleon...always changing. Let me back up a bit. He was born May 27, 1997 at an ungodly time of the morning, having decided earlier that he really wasn't ready to make his entrance into the world, and that attitude has pervaded his entire life to date.
My first clue that he was indeed going to be a challenge was when I asked the night nurse how my son had slept and was told "...restless". Let me tell you, that didn't even begin to cover his sleeping patterns! After bringing my little 'bundle of joy' home, I quickly learned that his idea of sleeping through the night was nothing like mine.
The next 3 years was a blur consisting of sleepless nights, (I considered 2 consecutive hours good) colic, general screaming for 6 hours at a time, and the usual challenges associated with raising a small person. The fact that he is turning 11 in May is a testament to not only my intestinal fortitude and success as a parent, but to my fear that if I did kill him while he slept they would lock me up and throw away the key!
I should add here that I am a single parent (a sad, but true statistic regarding ADHD children) and have 2 children. My daughter is 22, engaged to be married, works 2 jobs, just bought a car and seems to have a good head on her shoulders, even though she still lives with 'Mom'. I have been heard many times to say that had my son been born first, I wouldn't have a daughter! Needless to say, I stopped at 2 children.
ADHD/ODD - Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder - Oppositional Defiant Disorder
At times I am exactly the same as other parents I meet...proud of my son, of being his mother, of his intelligence, abilities, etc. But that only covers part of the time. Any parent of an ADHD/ODD child will know exactly what I am saying. For those of you who don't, let me fill you in.
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. ODD stands for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Taken together, this means not only does the child bounce off the walls, and can't concentrate for longer than 15 minutes at a time without constant reminders, he also has an attitude the size of Mt. Everest and is not afraid to use it. Couple this with an additional diagnosis of Anxiety Disorder and some Post Traumatic Stress, and you have my son.
Now understand, that the majority of parents out there think that ADHD is a 'made up' diagnosis... that the doctors, teachers and parents of an ADHD child have simply decided that it is easier to medicate the child rather than parent/teach them. Let me tell you this is NOT the case at all.
By the time my son was half way through kindergarten, he had already been suspended twice. Once for hitting his teacher, and once for choking another student. (This from a 5 year old) Now, a lot of parents, upon hearing this would say "I would have spanked his butt royaly" or "There's no way in h*** my son would ever get away with acting like that" or something along those lines.
Well I'm here to say that I could have literally beaten my child and he would still have acted the same way. These actions have nothing to do with lack of discipline, (at least with legitimate ADHD/ODD children) and everything to do with an honest medical problem. I'm sure that somewhere there is a doctor with a list of initials after his name who can quote chapter and verse as to why these kids act like this. However...I don't speak 'doctor' and I'm pretty sure that most people don't either. (I have since found some excellent resource material that offers an explanation as to why)
Additional resources for Adhd/Odd
What I do know, is that somewhere in the brain, there is an area that recognises 'consequences'. What I mean by this is: "bad action = discipline (IE:spanking/time out) = hurt feelings/pain = realization not to repeat the bad action". With an ADHD/ODD child, they process only part of that equation,IE: "bad action = discipline = hurt feelings/pain". The 'realization' part doesn't apply.
Now I'm not intimating they are slow learners by any means. Most of these kids are bright, and smarter than the average bear, with a range of intelligence that reaches into the 'gifted' areas. They are fiercely loyal, loving individuals, usually with a heightened sense of right and wrong, imaginative, and a whole lot more wonderful qualities that would take much too long to list here. (Are you confused yet?)
Suffice it to say that living with an ADHD/ODD child is an adventure that isn't for the faint of heart! My personal experience with my son includes school suspensions beginning in kindergarten, through and including grade 5, expulsion from a 'behavioural school' in grade 2, half days through grades 1 to 3, psychiatrists, psychologists,counsellors (three separate appointments each week) doctor's appointments, specialist appointments, parenting classes, RCMP 'visits', 'Care Team' meetings, neighbourhood parent 'visits' and school parent 'visits' to list a few.
I've even had a complete stranger knock on the passenger window of my car while I was waiting for a turn arrow to tell me I should speak with my child about his behaviour while driving....IN MY CAR!
On top of all of this comes another challenge....how to support your family. If you are fortunate enough to have someone you can rely on to help with child care, that can lessen your load. However, that doesn't always happen. In my case, (and I'm sure there are others out there as well) my son's behaviour was so erratic and at times over the top, that no one other than me could handle him for any length of time.
This translated to "Stay At Home Mom". I did work part time when he was preschool age, but unfortunately that didn't work out. After I became a single parent, my son's behaviour took a nose dive, to the point that it was impossible for me to work away from the home. So...what to do? I could sit on 'the system', or actively find a way to become self sufficient. I chose the latter.
To date, I have written the first of a children's adventure series (a copy of which can be found at Lulu.com) entitled Christopher Collin and the TrueOkemus . I am currently working on a book dealing with life with my son, and published an ADHD/ODD blog which is designed to offer help and possible suggestions or simply answer questions for parents of these enigmatic kids. (www.livingwithadhdodd.blogspot.com )
What I have written here is only a fraction of what we deal with parenting these wonderfully, charismatic (and sometimes volatile) children. The phrase "One heck of a ride!" sums up our lives as parents and teachers for these kids.
I would also like to invite other parents of ADHD/ODD children to contact me, if only to let them know they are not alone in their struggles. Hopefully this posting will raise awareness of our challenges and bring some relief to the ostracism we encounter daily.
Copyright Enelle Lamb 2008 - Please do not copy and paste this article, but feel free to post a link using this url: http://hubpages.com/hub/Living-with-an-ADHD-ODD-child
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Comments
Thank you so much for your kind words. Trust me, some days I'm amazed too!
I too have an ADHD/ODD 16 year old son. His psyc. says he is borderline and wasn't even diagnosed until last summer. If you think it's bad now just wait till those hormones kick in with puberty. My son has been on all the drugs and lies awake all night rolling around in pain and nausea from the drugs. I am now trying all natural remedies and have drastically changed my grocery shopping habits. (although I can't control what he eats when away from home). He has recently begun smoking marijuana because he says it relaxes him. Grade ten has been a disaster because he can't concentrate and has missed too much time from being awake and sick all night from the drugs. Other than that he has an excellent set of morals and tries to make good choices but I am ready to rip my hair out from the stress of his teenage years and as you say, the constant pleading and dealing and yelling. I have been called every name in the book and am totally unappreciated for all I have done and sacraficed for this boy. He too has an absent father.
Geraldine
Believe me, I completely understand! My son is on Ritalin slow release at this time, with a review scheduled for sometime this month. He also takes Melatonin 3mg., to help with his sleep patterns. Something else that works (very well I might add) is Himalayan Goji juice (not the kind you get in the health food stores!) If you are interested in trying it, email me.
This is all to familiar for me, i am married and have 3 boys, the oldest has ADHD/ODD and the middle son has many medical problems along with ADHD and the baby so far is good with nothing. I commend any mother to speak her mind and tell how life is for us with these ADHD/Odd children. Even though i am married my husband is gone quite often, over the road trucking so months on end i am basically a single mom. Everything you stated i have been through with our oldest son except suspended from school, due to being a smaller school, and they wouldnt let him get away with it! But when he comes home its a whole different story!! i would like to keep on chattin with another parent who also deals with this. Thank you for your story!!
I know what you are feeling there my son has ADHA,ODD, and anxiety. Suspended 4 times this year alone in the 1st grade. my last meeting with the group of people to help place him in a better class to suite him went pretty bad, the vice principal and teacher were basically blaming all his problems in school on me while the speech teacher,social worker, and behavior coach were telling them that it was not my fault that my son has the problems it has to do with his medical condition. background on teacher and vice principal never had to deal with kids with my sons medical problems had my sons therapist actually sit down and talk to them but they did not even beleave my sons therapist about his medical condition. He tested 4th grade for his educational test high above adverage for his age. Right now he is taking concerta 27mg, Fluoxetine 20mg, and to help him sleep at night he is taking clonidine Hydrochloride .1mg. you can tell a diffrence when he is not taking his medication and when the meds ware off. To me tho he was having more of his outburst at school then at home. Teachers could not even tell a diffrence between his outburst on which ones were which. At home I have a loving family who support my son and myself for what we are going thru they help me out when ever they can. I to am a single mother and his father is not part of the picture. Who also has my sons medical problems but is not seeking help. I thank you for your story and realize there are more people out there that is going thru what I myself am going thru and am not alone. I have felt that way since my son has been confirmed with his medical condition
I too had trouble getting my son to settle down and sleep at night. When he was 7, I discovered Melatonin, a natural sleep aid. It works very well and I don't have to worry about 'over medicating'. It is definately worth checking out. Another resourse is a book entitled "Taking Charge of ADHD". There are a lot of interesting facts about ADHD and the school system, do's and don'ts regrding homework etc. I highly recommend it to any parent going through what I did.
I can't even begin to tell you how relieved reading your story made me. Not that i'm happy your having such a difficult experience but that there is someone somewhere who may know how i feel. My step-daughter has ADHD/OOD, and there are times i want to pack up grab my things and my son and walk out the front door. Even typing that makes me feel horrible. My daughter is 10 i've had her since the age of 2 and since then we have been dealing with these behaviors that baffle me. She seems to go in cycles, and it is by far the most frustrating thing. My daughter got kick out of preschool( i have to say i didn't even know that was possible) Thats when i knew we had a problem. Before that i thought it was just me and the fact that i wasn't use to having a girl. I don't see some of the behaviors you described though. Generally she is really really quiet. She takes the back door for most of her stuff. Does your son have an obsession with stealing? Is that normal with this disorder. My daughter doesn't sleep, they put her on a med but it didn't help, so while we sleep she get up and sneaks around the house. Never with her things always break, ruining someone elses things. She has a huge obsession with sneaking snacks into her room and hiding them there, and nothing is off limits to her, halls vitamins if it tastes good she take its. and the more we talk to her about eating them at the table the more she steals. I worry she's going to get into something and really hurt herself or worse that i'll be sleeping and i won't know. She doesn't seem to have any conscience at all and she seems to take pleasure in annoying those around her. She kicks and hits my dogs when she thinks we are not looking. School work is almost impossible at home most nights. The most frustrating thing of all everyone just says she's so cute and babies her, letting her do whatever she likes. the teachers have even started writing for her because we talk with them about her handwritting. oh and thats just a quick summary of a few things we deal with. I feel like i'm living in a nightmare most days. I have no idea what else to do, i have big worries for her and no one seems to share our concerns. the theripist don't seem to help the meda only help for a short period during the day. Thanks for letting me know i'm not alone in this struggle. Good Luck to you and your son.
Dear Julie, I understand your frustration all too well. You are not alone in this, trust me. My son also goes in cycles. Girls are not usually as openly oppositional at younger ages, but will become much more vocal as they get older. Yes stealing was a very big issue...neighbourhood children's toys, scooter, toy guns, whatever he decided at the time was important to him. I will add here that money literally means nothing to him...very strange, but true. He will take snacks into his room (and yes he will just go to the cupboard and take them...I have found empty cookie bags etc., in his room) and leave the garbage.You mention the teachers write for her...don't sweat that too much, if it gets her to complete her school work, then accept it. I sometimes write for my son just to get the work completed with a minimum of fighting. Something I recommend to all parents of Adhd/Odd children is the handbook "Taking Charge of ADHD" by Russell A Barkley PHD. Not only are there a number of strategies regarding school, there is a lot of good solid advice to use at home. One thing in particular is the medication. Ritalin slow release (and its no name counterpart) only medicate for approximately 6 hours, then it wears off. If you want your child to do his/her homework after the meds have worn off...good luck. However, you can safely give supplement meds of 5 or 10 mg, near the end of the slow release cycle to carry your child through, depending on their needs. This enables the child to participate in after school activities with less distractions.
WOW- I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT MY DAUGHTER! SIGH! I'M WORN OUT!!!!
Believe me....I know exactly how you feel!
i have an eight ear old girl with adhd odd touettes and ocd, and she is so unbearable to be around i dread summer vacation her temper is horrible i fear waking her up in the morning and picking her up after school its nice to know their is other parents out there with these problems because people that have kids that dont have problems just dont understand what it is like and iv heard from family and friends that its me and not her, and to get my child diagnosed was hard i saw two drs who basicly laughed at me but then i found a great dr who actully sat and talked to me while watched her and than i got refered to the right drs , we are always going to the childrens hospital and its so crazy nobody really know what to do, right now she goes to mental health once a week but nothing is changing with her im not really sure what to do with her but i guess time will tell.
The one thing I would suggest is some respite care. You need a break from the daily stress in order to be able to work with your daughter. Another thing to check out would be a group called CHAD for support. You need to know there are other parents out there fighting the same battles you are.
i was thinking about respite care that would be a great releif i do have another daughter that is two and it would be nice to have some time with her alone with out my older daughter upsetting her, i have heard of chad but i will have i hasent sure where it is i live in abbotsford b c and to my knowledge they dont have one here
Yes, they do :) I live in Mission. Email me at harondezyn@hotmail.com and I will give you my phone number if you would like to give me a call...I might be able to get the information for you.
My stepson just got suspended for the second time in 3 weeks. I have no idea what to do with him. He's ADHD, ODD and Childhood depression. 3 weeks ago it was from hitting his teacher AND prinicipal and trying to run from the school. Monday he kicked his teacher. This morning he woke up and said "no school... awesome!" I got him started on his homework but I dont know what to do. My husband and his mom is working so I had to change my work schedule in order to stay home with him. When it happened last time, we took him to the doctor and they gave his mom all kinds of phone numbers to call and get him hooked up with therapy and she hasnt called ANYONE yet. It's causing strain in my relationship with my husband because I feel a lot of resentment and i dont know what to do. I'm just his step mom and there's only so much I can control. What do I do??
Hi Bear,The first thing I would do would be to sit down and talk to the boy's father. Someone has to be willing to take responsibility for the care and attention of your step-son. If your husband isn't willing to step up to the plate, and the mother hasn't done anything, then it's up to you. It isn't just about the fact that your life is going into a tailspin, think what all this is actually doing to the boy. If you walk away from it, his life goes in the toilet. I completely understand what you are saying about the frustration, believe me, my life for the last 7 years has been chock full of it, 24/7.
Both of you need to become familiar with this disability. Your s/son isn't acting that way just to be a menace, he can't help it. I would suggest getting ahold of Community Services to see what you can do. Also, get the phone numbers from the mother and start calling them.
HI. I have a son who is 9. I will try not to tell his whole life story. So far I have never got any calls from school due to bad behavior. The school expresses concerns with issues with focusing. His teacher says he is very disorganized,forgets often and seems to not be able to focus often. I know those are signs of adhd. He also has bad handwriting. His grades are pretty good,a's in spelling,social studies and science. A b in reading. The only area he really has a hard time in is math. My son seems frustrated often,cries all the time and argues... everything is an argument. I am pretty positive he has adhd and odd. He has some anxiety. I give him melatonin at night and an herbal medicine called brightspark and focus. I am so scared to take him back to a psychologist. The first one we went to said he didnt feel he had adhd,he felt he was more manipulative. I dont know if I am asking for trouble by not officially getting him diagnosed. I would like some advice from anyone that may have any. we have been lucky so far with pretty good behavior at school. I do have to push him to do everything,school work,getting him to soccer practice on time,getting him to practice his violin,completing projects,cleaning his room... especially would love to hear from anyone who is treating their adhd child with herbal medicines. please e mail me at snookie4123@aol.com. Thanks
reading all the comments are hitting home my 9 year old daughter has adhd maybe odd and also child depression. last year she went to a store with a friend and she stole lip gloss just because. the store manager called the police before calling me or the other parent. i got there and the other child was crying red face and all my child was just sitting there. that was really a realization something was really wrong. she is on stratera it seems to help but does any of your kids hit themselfs?when things dont go her way she balls her fist and hits her head stomach and face what can i do?our days are tiring, homework is a freight i also have a 3 year old i live with my youngest ones dad we are happy most of the time but he doesnt understand how she is and he thinks that she is just like all other kids but homework is harder then it is for other kids following rules are hard too thak you for listening you all have helped me to realize i am not alone in the struggle with my daughter
WOW! I'm not totally crazy! I love my 7 year old son more than anything in the world.....But his behaviour is unbearable. I've known for 3 years now that he's ADHD. Don't need a shrink to tell me that. He exhibits ALL the symptoms.
I've tried every child psychology method anyone has ever offered me. They all start out working wonders...Then my son will figure out the rules or parameters and totally buck the system. He finds every which way around it that the guidelines don't even cover. I pulled him out of a private montessori school only to avoid having expulsion on his record. Yeah, he threatened to cut a students hair (he was already holding the scissors), poked another student in the had with a freshly sharpened pencil, and the last straw was when he punched his teacher's aid. These incidents combined with outright disruptive and disrespectful as well as argumentative behaviour, he was going to be expelled.
He's been homeschooled by me for the past year. I thought our problems might just be that we are in each others' faces 24/7. But after reading all the postings and numerous articles, I'd have to say he's most likely ODD too. It takes everything I have just to get through each day.
I'm more of a natural healing type. He's been on DHA for 2 years. It's been a huge help. Initially, it did the trick. That's how we made it through pre-k and kindergarten. We probably would have made it through first grade too if the teacher hadn't been such a nit-pick about his handwriting. He's getting older though, and even though I upped the DHA dose and spread it out, he's still not focusing. The tantrums are getting more explosive and more often. It's scaring me. Smart as can be, just can't stop to think before he acts.
I'm afraid if I can't find a way to help him now......his future will suffer.
I completely understand your dilemma. I fought tooth and nail to keep my son off "drugs" however, since being on meds, He has been easier to work with, focuses better, and is more manageable when he has a melt down. Kids like my son (and possibly yours as well) don't become 'crazed junkies' because they are taking a stimulant. The area of the brain that regulates verbal outbursts, continuous motion and emotional filtering, isn't working properly. The stimulant helps to kick start it (for as long as the meds last, which is approx. 6 hours tops) and enables my son to concentrate and maintain a calm demeanour. Without meds, we never would have made it through grade 2...or 3....or 4...
My son has ADHD,ODD and driving everyone up the wall.
When he was 2 years old we said that there was something wrong with him, but nobody would take any notice.
He got suspended while he was in infant school for hitting his teacher, and then the suspentions became more frequent due to his very bad behaviour. Eventually our doctor refered us to a place that deals with child issues and after some time on a waiting list we saw an American/Canadian guy that listened to what we had to say and said that our son is ADHD,ODD and put him on medication. They experimented with different combinations of medication to see which worked. The American/Canadian guy left and we ended up seing a new foreign guy that we thought got the medication just right and then he changed it again and then decided that he should come off of medication.
Just before he was finishing infants and about to go up to the junior part of the school he got expelled at 7 years of age and was out of school for nearly 2 years. In that time he had a private tutor that was provided by our school authority for 5 hours a week.
He learnt nothing and his behaviour got worse and worse and sometimes it seems that his behavior rules our house.
He's now in a special needs school that specialises in behaviour problems which they could not understand what ours and the previous schools problem was because he was so well behaved, very polite and very very bright. I told them to give it a few weeks so he gets used to the change. A few weeks later and he's back to bad behaviour again.
He had been seing a play therapist who says 'He's such a lovely little boy', and how he's so well behaved. (Yeh of coarse he is playing with toys for an hour once a week. You try living with him every day).
The play therapist has recently decided that she no longer needs to see him and they should focus on our parenting skils. Which has wound us up a little as we have 2, 11 year old girls that are fine, though are getting affected by thier little brothers bad behaviour.
When we talk to people they just dont understand that living with an ADHD,ODD child is a living hell sometimes. Going out shopping is a complete nightmare when he's in one of his moods and then everyone just stairs at you with those Bad Parent looks.
For people that dont understand what we are going on about, the only way we can descibe what its like is to tell them that he's like a small version of Bruce Banner, but transforms into the Incredible Hulk for no apparent reason and the smallest of things.
Weve tried all sorts of things, but nothing works. When he's naughty we try to treat as we would with our girls and take something away from from him, but he just doesnt care.
He enrolled him into Cubs, which he really likes, but because of bad behaviour in school he hasnt been allowed to go for a couple of weeks, but he doent care.
He wasnt allowed to go to school the other day because of his behaviour was so dissruptive the day before and tried to encourage others to bring in matches and burn the school down. ( havent a clue where he got that idea from)
I said to the school 'Well Done' he nows knows how far to push things to be sent home from school.
We are so concered about the future because as hes's getting old he's getting stronger, and when he's in one those moments he hits out at everyone with kicking, biting etc and has even harmed himself and he's 9 years old now.
So much has happend with our son so ive just mentioned a few shortaned aspects of events.
Ive been told that if we lived in the USA there is so much more support for ADHD children, but in the UK there is zero suport for us struggling parents.
Michael,
I would suggest checking out my blog at: http://www.livingwithadhdodd.blogspot.com This site is for information about living with and raising kids with Adhd/Odd. There are several resource books and support groups listed that might help. After spending 12 years with my son, I completely understand your frustration with the behaviour, attitudes of parents and teachers, and lack of knowledge and skills in dealing with and teaching your son.
I was a young single teenage mom (18yrs) when I welcomed my daughter Shyanne into the world. From the time I brought her home my life changed forever. I had a baby that never stoped screaming, never setteled and rarely slept. I had no outside help from anyone. My parents disowned me, and clearly the teenage dad was only in my life long enough to donate his seed. After surviving the first year I had wondered how any person married or not would ever consider voluntarily having any children ever. I spent most of my days crying and exhausted, and I began to feel terrible that I was not maternally bonding with my child. I had tried since the age of 19 to have my tubes tied...but obviously being young and un-married I couldn't find one gyno that'd do it.
By the time she had reached 3 years old was about the time I started to notice something was a bit "off" with her behaviour. She had been easily potty trained at the age of 2 and a half without much incedent. Suddenly in her 3rd year of life she had decided to start peeing and pooping in strange places...such as my bed in the middle of the day...or on our front door step. It made me raise an eybrow because I knew these acts were intentional. She started distroying her toys and throwing important things of her own in the garbage. This is when I first noticed her empathy toward everything. She rarely smiled unless she was caught doing something bad. I had almost felt that she was evil or demonic. We had a small kitten in the house and I would catch her hiding behind our couch strangling it within inches of its life. I got rid of the cat for it's own safety. This is the first year I sought out councelling for her. Not much was done for us, besides my tales of her behaviour...when in therapy these behaviours were absent....making me feel/look as if I was imagining them. She was charming and angelic infront of strangers. The file was closed and I was left feeling just as frustrated as before.
The next years to follow were riddled with arguments, tantrums,lying,stealing, tears and frustrations. I would routinely have a C.A.S. worker at my door thinking that I was beating or killing my child. She would have such violent tantrums and screaming fits that would last hours...that my neighbours called the police. We were forced to move a few times within those years. Shyanne's problems starting seeping into her school years as well. She was forced to repeat Senior Kindergarten and I would often get phone calls from her teaches asking me to find a way to get Shyanne to care about her school work. That was so funny to hear, because I couldn't get her to care about anything. By the time she reached grade one she stopped writing her name..lnstead she would scribble something unlegible...again, it was intentional she clearly had the ability to sign her name. But nobody could get her to do it.
When Shyanne was 7 I met a man (now my husband). Within the first month of dating him she told him that I was cheating on him with another man. After 4 months of dating him she told me he had tried to touch her inappropriately one night while tucking her into bed (completely untrue). She lies all the time!! Shortly after that my husband and I were married in a small beautiful wedding in Niagara falls. I was 4 months pregnant with my second child at that time. We returned home 4 days later to find a business card on our front door from C.A.S. saying to call them immediately. We had just moved to this house 3 weeks earlier. Well literally the honeymoon feeling was over that second. I called them and they came over to tell me that Shyanne had told "someone" that every morning I would drive her to school in my car and that I'd have a jug of juice that I'd mix alcohol in. She also told this "someone" that her new step father was beating her. I was so furious with her! The C.A.S> worker told me that I'd have to go for drug and alcohol testing and that if it came up positive I would lose my un-born at birth. She also made me consent to baby screening after the birth to make sure it didn't have any effects from my alleged "alcohol" consumtion or any other drug use. I agreed to all of it seeing as i do not and have never used drugs...and I most certainly wasn't drinking. She then interviewed Shyanne and all she could get out of Shyanne was...are you gonna put me in a foster home? the worker said no....Shyanne then asked...what do I have to say to be taken away!!! It was another manipulative game of hers...looking to upset me and her new step father! Once my drug and alcohol tests came back negative...coupled with the rediculous interview she got from Shyanne they quickly closed the file....BUT...that was not the first nor the last time I've nearly been sent to jail...publicly humiliated or defaimed because of my precious sunshine Shyanne.
After many more years of escalating violence,stealing,lying, and temper tantrums we put her in councelling again, and this time only through the aid of me video taping her while nobody was around...did we finally get our diagnosis of O.D.D. THANK HEAVENS THERE WAS AN ANSWER TO ALL MY WHY QUESTIONS!
3 years ago I welcomed my second child (another daughter) to my life. I must say that I now understand what it's like to have a bond with a child...and why a human would chose to have a child(ren). She is such a blessing in my heart and life...but I fear for her safety. Shyanne ...(now 11) has been caught hitting her and I've even caught Shyanne sexually molesting the baby. I've done all that was suggested to me as far as behaviour modification and consistent parenting. Other things such as Time outs- and logical consequence don't work on a child who doesn't care. There is no medication for O.d,d and my prayers are all I have. She's in full blown puberty right now and I really fear for my youngests safety as well as my own...she's a big girl and quite violent. I'm afraid she's showing signs of conduct disorder....but I still can't get any REAL FUNDAMENTAL help. Is there any hope for me or Shyanne?? Foster care sounds like an all to beautiful escape from the hell I've been living in over the past decade. For the love of GOD can someone help???
I empathise with you and your situation Kelly. Having an Odd child is harder mentally than one with a physical disability. At least with a physical disability, psychologists and doctors can see there is a problem. With Odd, unless the child exhibits the violent behaviour in public, there is nothing to support the parent's pleas for help.
In your daughter's case I would definately consider either respite care, or taking the step to have her placed within the system. There is no way to constantly monitor her behaviour, and going by her earliest response to the kitten I would be cautious about her contact with her sister.
I know those steps are the hardest ones a parent has to contemplate. I still haven't ruled that out in my case yet, but so far I have been able to handle the outbreaks. I am not obtuse in thinking this will always be the case however.
You need to contact your doctor and see if he can get a psychiatric evaluation done, also get ahold of your community services or children's services to see if there are any respite groups available. Most importantly, you need to connect with a support group to help you destress. Realizing you have little or no control over your child's behaviour can be devestating to your self confidence as a parent, and you need an outlet for your anger and frustration.
I invite you to read my blog on living with adhd/odd. I am constantly updating it with as many suggestions as I can find to help all of us, (parents of Adhd/Odd children.) The link for the blog is listed at the beginning of this hub.
I have learned so much. Thank you. God gives special children to special people. You must be an amazing person.
Left Behind,
Thank you so much for your vote of confidence. I only wish the school system was as generous.
I totaly understand what you are talking about. My 12 year oild Daughter not only has ADHD and ODD but she is also diognoise with OCD and Attatchment disorder as well..I have had custody of her since 04 ands every day is a learning experiance for the both of us...Whjat works one day does not work the next..And it is a constant struggle each day
I think parents with children like ours are the only ones who truly understand the challenges, heartaches, and triumphs we experience (sometimes daily.) Thank you so much for your comment...you are not alone...
God Bless
thank you so much or sharing your story I have a 6 year old daughter with ADHD and ODD and a 7 year ols son with ADHD and bipolar. Most days I feel like I am completely alone and I am crazy. I am glad to know I am not alone especially since most people have never hear of ODD they just think of her as a bed kids with parents who dont discipline her. Again thank you
Emily, you are most welcome my dear...you are not alone...and you are not a bad parent. To be honest, you are the exact opposite...be kind to yourself, you deserve to be praised and supported for taking up such a challenging role. Never lose hope...
Gosh, this hub was great but scary too. My son is young and I am concerned about his behavior, he will take actions to the "next level" as we call it. For example, if a boy is dancing in the bathroom at school, my son will start climbing the urinals or sinks to dance on them. This is one example of a thousand. He is a wonderful child but keeping him focus is really hard. The school and his doctor has not mentioned ADHD or ODD but after reading this, I am thinking he has some of the symptoms. I will continue to do my research but this hub did open my eyes wider and I want to investigate to see if my son has it or just hyper (seriously, that is what I pray for). I have never heard of the ODD portion but I bookmarked this hub to continue to learn more on this subject.
Thank you again and again!
Ladybird33, It doesn't hurt to be educated. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
Thank you so much for writing this post! I am a single mother of a 5 year old boy who had AHHD ODD and he starts Kindergarten in Sept 09. He has need sent home many times from daycare for behavior. I think the only reason they have not said dont come back is because my mother used to work there and she still sunds there and shes the best teacher they have! My son sees psychiatrists (on Concerta), psychologists (because I want to help him not just over up the problem, councellors, special educators and behavior therapists. They have all been at his school and evaluate him on a regular basis. This morning I am pretty upset because Wednesday nights are "Parent Survival Night" for kids at daycare. Well I was just asked by the director NOT to bring him back and maybe I could try again in August! I simply said ok and left. BUT, I dont agree and dont believe she should say he cant come. He is not hurting anyone. Its just that he cant always just sit and watch a movie and sometimes he will make noises. Can she actually ban him from not coming there? I dont think its fair and as a single mom its the only free night I have. Help?
Cheli - Unfortunately, they have the say as to who attends and who doesn't. It isn't fair, and your son has done nothing wrong, but they feel his behaviour is disruptive, and that is the reasoning they will use, should you decide to take this matter to a higher authority.
Being that you are a single parent, and don't have any 'down time' with the supervision and attention of your son, I would suggest calling your local Community or State services to see if they have respite care. This will give you the break that you need so that you can continue to provide the quality of care your son needs.
I would also suggest that you learn as much as you can about ADHD/ODD so that you can properly advocate for your child. Your local library should have a selection of books that will help, one in particular, "Taking Charge of ADHD" by Russell Barkley. You can also check out my blog at http://livingwithadhdodd.blogspot.com for additional resources.
Keep your chin up...you aren't alone.
Enelle Lamb Excellent Work.
I have never been diagnosed as your son has, yet I see a lot of common ground with his behavior.
If someone is speaking to me, I have to make a concentrated effort to not zone out. I am bored very easily, sometimes sub-consciously. I am very rebellious, I do not like to follow others or listen to authority.
1 thing that took my mind off of my insanity is writing and physical activity. The best physical activity that helped me out was lifting weights and martial arts. These are great releases of energy and allow the mind to be at ease.
Thank You for writing this article. I have much admiration for you. I put my mom through the same thing you are being put through, so I understand how strong you are. Thanks.
I just found this article and I had to shake my head in agreement to all you said. I am a teacher and a parent of an ADHD 13 yo boy. I know he is ODD. I have heard the comments from many a "friend" along the lines of "My child would never get away with that". My child thinks it is funny when I spank him-
" HaHa-That didn't hurt" I love my son very much but he is very difficult to live with. Like you - if he gets his way all is fine. If he doesn't LOOK OUT !!!!!! People who don't live this way have no idea. I had a perfect stranger confront me outside a convenience store one morning after my son slammed the car door and punch the car window because he was mad. I had to chase him and I grabbed him by the hood of his Hoodie and she accused me of choking him !
marinealways - thank you for such wonderful comments. I enjoyed martial arts myself but I will wait for a while before enrolling my son LOL...
marty - I understand exactly what you are saying I have had to grab my son and physically remove him from a situation...is very difficult to explain to people who don't live with it 24/7.
I used to grab my son by the ear LOL...nobody could really see and it worked pretty well...not sure if I can do that now though...things only work till he gets used to them, then the effect wears off.
Enelle - I have friends who have children with ADHD and I know it isn't easy. I've always wished that children are not judged by one uncompromising, rigid yardstick - then there would be no labelling and maybe we would have handled children and ourselves better by being more accepting. If only children - not just our own but all of them - were loved, the world would be such a great place, wouldn't it?
Someone said up there that special children are given to special people - I second that - and it helps no doubt to have a sense of humour that keeps you afloat no matter what :)
Oh yes - it's a tad twisted - but we can't all be perfect LOL. Sometimes I think that if I didn't laugh I would go nuts, and that is too short a trip to contemplate!
Thank you so much for stopping by - come back soon y'hear? lol
This is what you do:
Condition yourself not to be frustrated or depressed. You have no reason to be! Your are giving the best of Medical and Personal attention possible. If you some how blame yourself, please stop it! You know better than that. Always think of the fun time you had with him. Laugh, smile, be positive. Have you notices that the behaviour is worst when you are in a hopless mood? Childrens sense, and do their thing.
His medication are, in general, disguised tranquilizes. Continue with them. Don't disregard the doctors advice.
You will by now know what triggers the tantrums. Take advantage of the short attention span. Divert the issue. swamp him with pleasant options. Let crisis pass by. These guy are deviously intelligent. Catching on is fast. So innovate, have several backup plans. Always be pleasant while doing this.
Let the evenings be the real fun time. Let him romp. Get him tired with physical activity. Give him a supervised long soak in the tub. Supervision is a must if medication is taken before the bath. The dinner should be high carb. Carbs are natural pacifiers.
As the carbs and medication kick in tuck him into bed. Tuck yourself in with him. Hold him tight. Talk softly to him about him. Try not to talk about the exiting stuff. As he drifts off, put on some soft music to play through out the night. The volume should be as low as possible. After some as he gets used to the music play trance music, followed by affirmation music. It helps! This music is available in most of the meditation centres.
You may have to re-organise your schedules to do all this. A small price to pay for a child at peace with itself.
I have a 10 year old son with ADHD, SEVERE ODD and in my opinion suffers from severe DEPRESSION! After 3 long years of batteling with the proffesionals my child has finally been given a diagnosis,treatment is hopefully going to start next week at long last!!!!!!!! As parents we all no our own children and i would say dont ever be fobbed off and dont ever give up on them-from my experience they really cant control what is happening to them.Everything ive just read relates to my situation,and it is the hardest job ever but eventully there is light at the end of the tunnel!! Society unfortunately doesnt recognise that our children have an illness as it cant physically be seen like some illnesses,we as loving,caring parents do our best by are children,and eventually the "proffesionasl" will hopefully take on boared and listen to us from the start,and give our children and us parents the right and appropriate help a lot sooner!!!
Thank you so much Enelle for all your dedication and caring attitude, i have found this very useful.
Hi Enelle, oooh I don't even think I can start imagining what it would be like to have an ADHD/ODD child at home. But we have some cases in our preschool though and it can be pretty exhausting. I will bookmark your hub and will visit your blog. For sure, it does help to know how other parents are coping. Thanks for sharing.
bala99 - you have a couple of good points that I intend on trying. I always have music playing at night, but didn't think to use meditation and affirmation music...thanks!
karen - I know exactly what you are saying! I'm so glad you finally got help for your son. I'm so glad you found my story helpful, thanks for reading.
ripplemaker - It's always a pleasure when you stop by - thank you so much for the compliment.
Enelle, thank you for having the courage to be honest. I uderstand how difficult it can be to raise a child with these kinds of issues in a world that doesn't understand. As parents, it is easy to feel inadequate when the parenting books just don't seem to work.
My son, who turned 7 yesterday, has Sensory Integration Disorder. It has been difficult dealing with his oppositional personality, his sleep issues, and the challenge of making it through all the major transitions (i.e. crib to big boy bed, potty training, etc.). At times, I wondered if the neighbors would find me out on the front lawn, rocking, in the fetal position, grasping a bottle of Vodka. Thankfully it hasn't come to that.
I wonder if you've ever tried syntonic colored light therapy? A study I read about by Jacob Liberman looked at the effects of syntonic colored light therapy on visual-field size, memory, speed, and accuracy of eye movement in children with learning problems. He prescribed frequencies of light for 20 minutes a day, four days a week, for six weeks. The results:
Those who had received light therapy had a visual field 208 times greater than the control group, visual attention span nearly 4 times greater, and visual memory 7 times greater. The interesting part is that hyperactive kids calmed down, and the children in the experiment that were on Ritalin were able to go completely off it.
It's not easy to find, but as Sensory Integration Issues are getting more attention, you may be able to find a practitioner in your area. Check with your local Optometrists or Psychiatrists.
Best of luck to you!
Sincerely,
Cheeky
Cheeky Chick - thanks for the tip - I will see if there are any practitioners here. Now I know what I'll be doing Monday LOL - thanks!
I have been all over the net (tirelessly & hopeless at times) hunting for clues into my oldest son's off-the-charts behavior since birth. Is there any irony in finding your site just now after I told my husband to take our 2 boys and drop them off anywhere but home because I am sick to death of the very things you described in your parenting experience. My son is a first grader and although hasn't been suspended (I am preparing for that day is coming, along with jailtime probably, military school, etc.). He lies and steals (just petty s*** but enuf to be a cause for concern), and just this week got called to the office for throwing food in the lunchroom and encouraging others to join in. He has an IEP for EBD at school, we've counseled til we're blue in the face, and feel like we've used every disciplinary measure known to man from timeouts, spankings, no privileges, early bed, only to name a few. We sought a nutritionist/herbalist for a natural supplementation approach to altering behaviors without much change. We are concerned about the short and long-term side effects of starting a kid on drugs, even if they are prescription. Perhaps some valium for myself might be a better option!
It's such a relief to know there is another parent who knows exactly what is going through my heart and mind. The first thing I thought is the same thing I think of us when I look in the mirror. Cute kid but that is one tired mom -- physically, mentally & emotionally! I get it, truly I do. Thanks for your site. We'll be skipping Halloween tonight as loads of candy just spells bigger trouble and more of it.
Dazed & Crazed - I hear you! Also, some of the comments submitted to this posting might give you a couple of different avenues to pursue. I am currently looking into the Light Therapy, and am starting my son on Niacin & Vit C. Couldn't hurt lol.
Keep your chin up - it's a tough road, but you'll make it!
my son was diagnosed today with ODD on top of ADHD. I'm at a loss for words. I know that he has some behavior problems but they aren't ones that really bother me. he's persistant about what he wants. my concern is with his learning. he is in kindergarten and you can ask him a question and get the right answer the first time but then ask it 5 minutes later and he doesn't know. you can see the wheels turning in his head but he just can't tell you the answer again. i'm at my wits end i don't know how to teach him so that he can remember it for his tests.
nos_baby2005 - if your son is anything like mine, tests won't be a problem, but the behavior in school will be. I would suggest finding out everything you can about ADHD/ODD and get the whole family on board. There are a lot of support groups out there and it is a good idea to hook up with one, as well as one on one support for your son.
It's a long road, full of pot holes, but the destination is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just try and take the time to stop and smell the flowers along the way...it does help!
Omg you poor woman!
Hanna Bambina - It certainly is not for the faint hearted lol...
To everyone sharing their stories here. Thank you. I took in two nephews 4 yrs ago when their father was the victim of domestic violence (the mother is serving 30 yrs for the crime). The youngest was 1 wk shy of his 2nd birthday and we really didnt know much about either child. We had to let the little guy sleep in our room on a pallet because we did not have any additional space in the house (we have since converted our garage to a large bedroom for the 2 boys). This little guy was very restless and would scream and cry out in his sleep and would scoot all over the floor in his sleep. And, he did not speak. He would only scream and grunt. He also didnt make much eye contact. Our first thought was he was autistic. Maybe that would have been an easier diagnosis to deal with :(. He took forever to potty train and still, at almost age 7, has 'accidents'..which are really just because he doesnt want to stop what he is doing so he goes in his pants. He also had to be removed from daycare, due to his aggression towards the teachers mostly at that time. We found a small, hippie school (as we lovingly refer to them, they are awesome) where he was able to stay for almost 1.5 yrs. They dont allow kids over 5, so we went ahead and enrolled him in kindergarten and crossed our fingers. My husband and I both work and our two sons and the oldest nephew had attended YMCA afterchool. so we put the little guy in there too. big mistake. he would run out of the school,, hit, scream, bite, etc. totally out of control. in the classroom not much better. he refused to do work, did not want to be part of the group, would tear stuff off of the walls and hit/harrass the other kids. the principal I have known for years and the teachers were aware of his family history so they were more lenient than they probably would have been. we decided 3 months into school that it was not a good place for him. We were so scared and confused we took him to a phsychiatrist (referred by the phsychologist he as seen since 3 yrs old). The phsychiatrist had him admitted as an outpatient to a residential treatment center. He was there for 3 months, and did not improve. in fact he got worse. he began exhibiting sexually inappropriate behavior which we dont know where that came from...the dr there put him on welbutrin, even though it is not approved in children (we should have questiioned that more but we were desperate). the meds worked initially but as soon as he built up some resistance it actually made him more aggressive and unmanageable. We were fortunate to have my mother take him in, and were able to get him accepted into the behavior unit in her school district. he was also placed in special needs. He did relatively well the remainder of kinder. he spent the summer with grandma most of the time, but he came home almost every weekend and spent a week at the beach with us which was actually a pretty good vacation. there was enough to distract him i guess.
i could go on and on, but bottom line is he is add/odd and also has sensory integration disorder. he is also compulsive and obsessive but is not diagnosed with ocd at this time....
part of this is just his physiology - he is just wired differntly. but part of it is exasperated by the fact that his whole work collapsed when he was so very young.
We worried more about the older nephew initially, he was 6 yrs old when his father was killed. we did not know that there is something called pre verbal memory and that it is a very powerful force. the little guy has so many issues, but we love him dearly. when he is in a good place he is so awesome, funny, loving. but when he is in his bad place it is a living h***.
I too used to give those looks - the 'control your brat' stare...I am so humbled now. I had no idea. Now when I see these incidents playing out in public the look I give is one of understanding and sympathy.
to all of you dealing with these issues, do try to get a rest and get away. and know that you have not done something wrong, you have not failed, you are not a bad parent. You are a good parent trying to do your best in a situation most folks have no idea how hard it is to live with.
bless you all.
deb
deb - thank you so much for sharing your story - trust me when I say it will get better - it's a tough road to travel. You might want to see if either one of your nephews is suffering from PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Just knowing sometimes helps. Blessings for you too my dear - hang in there!
charmaine_zp says:
2 years ago
Wow Wow Wow. I didn't know anything about ADHD/ODD and I'm amazed by your patience. Prayers for you and your son. BTW, I love your photo. Your son is very adorable.