This is a first hand account of growing up in a household surrounded by domestic violence. It is not for the faint of heart.

Parts of this story will be graphic in detail but as most good stories are, it does have a happy ending. That much I can promise you. So, if you are willing to bear with the telling of this tale I will start from the beginning.

The Year of 1995

It was 1 month after my birthday. I remember that much clearly. I didn't get the present I really wanted, I always wanted a puppy. Instead my mother brought me to the pet store and gave me 2 options to choose from; 2 geckos or an Iguana.

I chose the Iguana. I named him Iggy.

My dad? Well, he loved that lizard just as much as I did. I remember an instance when both of us chased it around the house after it mysteriously got loose.

Now? I have to leave him.

Why? Well, I got off of the bus after school and my mom was waiting for us (my two brothers, my sister and I) and told us that we are leaving. I still don't know where we are going but she tells me that I have to pick out a few things and leave the rest at the house.

That includes Iggy.

I am angry. I didn't get the present that I wanted and now I have to leave my iguana?

Whats going on?

A yellow taxi pulls up and my mom packs our few things into the trunk. As we leave the house I turn back and watch it dissapear. At least I have Angela with me.

Soon after we arrive at a foreign place with a school nearby. My mom tells me that I will be starting there soon. I don't want to go to another new school. I am only 9 and I have already been to too many schools to count.

Remembering Why

Therapy sessions. I will always hate those sessions where the demons are pulled out of the closet of the mind.

My parents have fought with each other for as long as I can remember. It usually revolved around money. Later on in my life I learned that it also revolved around drugs.

We always seemed to leave my dad only to come back to him eventually. There was an instance when we left for for a good couple of months and lived my moms friend. It was a nice place and her kids were near my age.

But my mom always went back.

Not this time.

One of the last nights I can remember of my parents being together will always live in my mind and the mind of my brother closest in age.

I am the oldest. My sister and youngest brother fortunately don't really remember those times....

They were fighting again. This time was bad. I had my "Home Alone" tape recorder that my uncle gave me for my birthday and my dad caught me recording the fight. To him it did not matter that I recorded everything since I received my present, it only matter that I recorded something that he did not care for.

I remember him yelling at me. Threatening me. I told him that I would call 911. He dared me. I went towards the phone. He pulled the cord out of the wall.

Thats all I really remember.

Later that night my little brother, who was only 7 at the time, held a belt in his hand and told my mother that if my dad ever hit her again he would beat him with it.

That situation marked the turning point of our lives.

Moving Far Away

We moved into a local YWCA domestic violence shelter for battered women.

In the shelter we met many understanding people and a lot of friends.

There was another lady there that my mother soon became good friends with. She was also a mother of 4 children who were all near the same age as me and my siblings. My mother and her situations related to each others very well. We will call the lady Dana.

My mother and Dana both decided to move about 500 miles away across the state. There was another shelter which they decided to move to where we could all temporarily stay.

So the 10 of us, my family and Dana's family, made the long move.

My mother had only had $100 in her pocket, 4 kids and no real work experience since she had been a stay at home mother for most of her adult life.

After getting adjusted to the new shelter Dana's father came down with some serious health problems and she took herself and her 4 children with her for a short trip.

Our New Home

Life was hard for my mother at first. She had to find a minimum wage job and we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment.

Dana never came back.

Almost 15 Years Later

Now, 15 years later, my mother is much more sucessful than my father ever was. She owns her own house and has a loving husband who she has been with for 10 years.

My siblings are now all adults, 3 of us college students.

Why You Never Go Back

I have a very important (and unhappy) point to talk about right now.

Remember the other family I talked about earlier? Well they never came back from their trip to see Dana's family. They didn't even get the things that they left behind. We never actually heard from them again.

Years later my mother told me a story about Dana. Apparently on one fateful day my mom was drawn to a newspaper which she rarely purchases or reads.

The story was pretty detailed but I don't think that I need to go into specifics and make this even more depressing.

The story was coincidentally about Dana. Dana went back to her husband. She was also arrested for and convicted of his murder.

There is a very important point to take from this. It is not always the abused who can be killed. In this case it was the abuser and an entire family was destroyed because Dana was pushed over the edge, no doubt in a moment of intense domestic violence.

Where should you go?

As far away as possible and never look back. I am serious. I know you love him or her but you can not and never will change him.

This is not a game. This is your life. Look at my mother, where there is a will there is a way. When times got hard (and they were for a long time) she considered moving back because it would be easier but instead she had decided for a better life for herself and her children.

The Cycle of Violence

There is a very specific cycle in which domestic violence occurs. Watch for these symtoms to know if you are a victum of this type of abuse.

The following is according to DomesticViolence.Org

Incident

• Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

• Abuser starts to get angry
• Abuse may begin
• There is a breakdown of communication
• Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
• Tension becomes too much
• Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

• Abuser may apologize for abuse
• Abuser may promise it will never happen again
• Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
• Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
  

Calm

• Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
• Physical abuse may not be taking place
• Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
• Victim may hope that the abuse is over
• Abuser may give gifts to victim

Numbers to Call for Help

U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-723

Other Websites to check out for help and more information:

Internet Domestic Violence Resources

YWCA