Hebrews 12:28

Wherefore we receiving a kingdom which cannot be moved, let us have grace, whereby we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear:

Have you ever come to the crossroad of your life, sat down and taken stock of the past, and asked yourself," If I were to stand before the Great and Mighty Alter of God and reflect on my past, would God be happy with me now?"

Well that is exactly where I am today.

I'll start 50 years ago when I believe I was conceived out of wedlock, caused my parents to have to get married, destroyed my mothers hopes of completing school and becoming a doctor and generally being totally rejected by one parent and the other trying his best to better the situation he had caused on his own.

I was, by the grace of God, born with a high Intelligence Quotient but a very low Emotional Quotient. The first five years of my life were that of any normal kid who had one parent working and the other a home executive. My father's meager income of £2 10 shillings per fortnight was all they needed to keep a home and food in the belly. A very content situation in those days.

The next twelve years were to result in a totally mixed up situation with me wanting to retire and start my own business before the end of the first year to a very good pass rate in my final year, and not in the Transvaal Education Department examination, but in the National Senior Certificate examination.

The military was too tiring for me even though, through my own stupidity, I served more time than I had planned or should have. This period is a dark area of my life and will remain a shut door until I shuttle my mortal coil off the face of the earth. Please note that I am paying the price today, being a white South African male resident as I had been drafted, against my will, into the National Defence Force. I was forcefully volunteered into the SAND and I pay a terrible price for it under the new government.

I then went on to my apprenticeship, like any normal child would, when leaving school or completing your military training. "You will get nowhere in life without an apprenticeship behind your name". Hogwash!

I found that for the next 30 odd years I would be constantly studying, researching, writing material that I use today in my clients businesses, and generally surf the net for new ideas.

My social life was a total shambles. During and after school I had the worst temper any person could ever have. Hence the reason I never carried a weapon or firearm with me. I attempted suicide three times. That really worked. I even have a Death certificate to prove it. It's a pity Medical Science was so advanced in South Africa in those years. After testing the body for no forms of life at all, it came to light that I did have a pulse after all. One hundred and seventy two stitches, seven days in a coma, two months in an observatory facility, later, I was back at home trying to put my life back together.

I had been diagnosed a manic depressive person. I was told I would never again be able to cope on my own in society. I had not only been written off by my Doctors but by my parents as well. So I withdrew from society and did the best that I could under the circumstances.

In the 50 odd years of my life I have made two very very stupid decisions. One cost me nearly twenty years of my life and the other lots of grief and money. Those were my two marriages. The first I was desperate to get married and although I had nearly twenty years of happiness, I lead a life of very little security, low esteem and no ambition. That's what she wanted and that is exactly what I gave her.

The second marriage was far too easy, especially coming out of a recent break up with a good friend, and yet I still did not see it coming. Although I had been writing to the woman for a few months I had only met her two months before the wedding. And two months later I realized I had made a big mistake. The next nine months were to be absolute hell. Now if there were no God of Grace it would have continued. However, she did me a favour and while I was away on a project in Gauteng she moved out lock, stock and barrel and I have not seen her since.

I have found that having a business life and a social life is too difficult to control. It's one or the other. Either I enjoy life and I die of starvation or I keep to myself and run my business as I please.

Approximately six years ago I met a beautiful and intelligent women who was to become a very special person in my life. A friendship I would die for. Like I said before my social life sucks. So how did this woman slip through my nemesis? She just found that little bit of hope in my heart and captured it. As we grew to know each other our traits revealed themselves and we found ourselves parting company regularly. Yet we came back every time. You would have to meet her to see how special she is and how she manages to creep into ones heart and life.

Slowly through the years I have gotten to know her and how she operates. She is highly intelligent and has identical traits to myself. We both have problems with our social lives. She, however, works for an employer whereas I work for myself.

It is only recently that I realized why we kept coming back into each others lives. I thought God had placed me in her path to show her why she is so special to Him. But he put her in my path to show me the way back to Him. Recently I have discovered the other side of her life and being. I have noticed a side that only God can control and be a part of.

So after reading my sordid life of social and business upheavel where exactly does God come into it. Well, part of my studies was a Licenciate in Theology. I was studying for the missions. My spare time, as a youngster, was spreading the word of God in the streets of central Johannesburg.

Although I had been brought up Roman Catholic I only met the Lord my God, in person, when I was seventeen years of age. I went through a total submerging baptism as well as the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I was on fire for the Lord and could not get enough of him. I loved Him so much that I thought my heart would burst. I couldn't wait to get onto the streets to spread His Word to the people.

Over the years I spent less and less time with Him. Although I would have sporadic sessions with Him now and then. Then came two very critical situations in my life that would change my way of life itself and my way of thinking. I was involved in two near fatal accidents that would change me forever. One I had at work and I had to stop working because of it. The second was a motor vehicle accident that found me starting life all over again. God had kept me alive. Why?

Does He want me to continue to work everyday in what I am doing or does He want me to return to His work? Does He want me to change my way of life? Where does He want me to start? These are all the questions I have for Him.

I now find myself at the cross road and haven't a clue which way to go. Do you have an answer for me?